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Original poster

Oh shit. Help please wise MNers

72 replies

TallulahTwinkletoes · 24/01/2015 23:48

Soooo long story short, we've been together almost 8 years and have a DD who is 3. We were ok I think but since we got pregnant there have been issues. Mostly, these are now resolved I think. Very standard issues people face when having a surprise baby and buying a house/building a life together.

I am 10kg heavier and he's about 30 lighter and pure bloody muscle.

He's on his way home from a night out. DD and I had a meal with him first. When I took DD to the toilet, I flipped my head and my hair. DD did the same and fell off the toilet. She didn't hurt herself, it was a highly comical moment. I told DP and he instantly changed moods. 'It wouldn't have happened on his watch, how dare I laugh that his most precious possession (!) having such an incident'.

He said nothing at the time but was suddenly in a bad mood but just has said the above on the phone.

He also said he loves me, we are soul mates, best friends, he gets on with no one as well as me. He started and followed this with, so where are we going? If we sell the house in a year, what will we do then. Hinting that with split equities no longer tied to the house it is the perfect time to split. Asking how I feel about us, what I hope for.

He never has sex with me. Always says he is tired. Occasionally he will. Usually after drinking. He admitted tonight (tho it's certainly been known to me for at least a year, probably two) that he does not lust after me. He thinks I am beautiful but there's no lust. His friends moan to him that they can't convince their wives to have sex with them. To me, he is that wife. I used to be a very sexual person. Now I'm not at all. I know he's not cheating and never would but he must masterbate a lot or he is turning asexual like I am.

What can I do to make our relationship better? We are pretty great together apart from we are more like friends than lovers. It makes me so sad. Until tonight, I'd become numb to it and tried to forget but him telling me means I'm sat here sobbing waiting for his taxi.

I told him we can talk but if he wants to leave then he should and if he wants to stay he can but I feel that by saying that, it's all his choice and I'm just some doting partner who is happy to go either way.

I need advice. I want my future with this man. He's a good one, mostly.

Thanks in advance Grin

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 24/01/2015 23:57

It doesn't sound like he wants a future with you. And that in fact he sees it in a very cold and calculating way, thinking about equity and whatnot.

And no, you shouldn't be in the position of waiting for him to make up his mind whether he wants to be with you. How unequal, and how insulting. Either he wants in, or he wants out. Tell him to decide which, pronto. And if he wants in, to demonstrate it: for example by getting the sex thing sorted out (does he need to see a GP, make a lifestyle change, etc)

RandomNPC · 25/01/2015 00:14

Is he on steroids at all?

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 01:25

No steroids, he's just a bitter individual. Wink

He does want to be in. He really wants to be in but there's no lust. That's it really.

OP posts:
BIWI · 25/01/2015 01:28

But if you're asexual, why does his lack of lust matter?

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 01:52

Because I've only become asexual because of his lack of lust.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 25/01/2015 01:56

I don't think you're asexual at all. If he wanted sex would you?

RandomNPC · 25/01/2015 01:57

Do you think you want sex if you were in a healthy relationship with another man, one that fancied you and wanted to have sex with you?

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 25/01/2015 02:16

Are you sure he isn't chesting? Because this sounds like some stuff that was said to me by a bastard who was cheating. He sounds fucking horrible even if he's faithful.

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 02:52

Yes I believe so. When it's been a while since we've had sex I do feel I want sex. I'm not really interested any more generally. I think sexual thoughts still sometimes but to carry them out is a pain in the arse and a lot of effort. Possibly laziness is winning.

I never say no really tho the sex has become awkward really because it's a tick box type thing. He does it because he knows he has to and I try to never miss an opportunity.

There's no touching really elsewhere as he has personal space issues. New/worsened over time or he just doesn't want me near him as he didn't have them before.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2015 03:04

It sounds to me as if he's emotionally already gone from the relationship. Exactly why who knows, other than him of course. But it's really, really hard to re-invest in a relationship if your heart & mind aren't really 'there'.

Couples counseling if he's interested. Otherwise, see a solicitor to protect yourself financially.

Redglitter · 25/01/2015 03:08

If you still want sex then you're NOT asexual. He says you're his soul mate etc but has a strange way of showing it. What are you getting out this relationship

GallicIsCharlie · 25/01/2015 03:21

I think the best way forward here is to negotiate a civilised, mutually respectful and financially stabilised exit. This hurts, but I think you can do it because you've got your self respect and your daughter to think of. You will still parent together. See a solicitor promptly, please. Gather wise friends and good support around you.

You will come through this a better person, and you'll be surprised how you relish the independence. It's good to teach your little girl that we don't settle for inadequate relationships.

RubbishMantra · 25/01/2015 03:37

This situation doesn't sound very nice at all for you. Actually I'd find it untenable to maintain a relationship with such a dick person.

He actually told you he doesn't lust after you?

He criticises your parenting? You poor love.

This is not what a normal, loving relationship looks like. Have a look at The Freedom Programme

Mom2K · 25/01/2015 03:56

Tallulah don't be so hard on yourself by saying that you are asexual, or lazy etc. I really doubt this is the case.

More than likely - you're not desiring it as much because your OH has made you feel like crap. What woman would feel like it when their partner not only doesn't show any interest, but actually TELLS his wife that he's not physically attracted?

With an attitude like that, he's not God's gift to women, but he probably thinks so.

He sounds like a self-absorbed idiot, and you don't deserve this. I hope you can find it within yourself to see your value, and choose to leave this man.

ShizeItsWeegie · 25/01/2015 04:09

Everything Mom2k has said but I want to add that all the 'we are soul mates' crap sound like he is trying to soften a blow that is coming, ie it's bull shit but he has that tiny shred of decency left to make an attempt at softening the blow IYSWIM?

It sounds like he checked out ages ago though OP and you sound far too nice to be with a nobber like him anyway. I have got fat and feel unsexy. I will lose the weight but not for my DH. For him to tell you he has no lust for you makes him not even a friend let alone a soul mate!

DistanceCall · 25/01/2015 04:15

He doesn't want you. Sorry. And he's really not behaving well - if he doesn't want to be with you, he should tell you now and stop dropping hints (and saying ridiculous stuff about how you treat your child).

I hope you are able to see that you deserve to be with a man who actually loves you and desires you and wants to be with you.

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 07:49

Sorry for the long delays. We were talking and then I fell asleep.

I was obviously most offended when he said about my parenting and said how dare he etc. his reply was a 'no you're an excellent parent, you misunderstand if you ever think I don't think you are but in this instance, you fucked up'. I told him his exact words were that I'd been a shit parent that day and he apologised and said it wasn't his intention.

I will say we have a really good relationship apart from the sex. It's a shame that sex is such an important part.

He's not emotionally checked out as such because of how he is apart from the sex.

We both agree that we have got to the point where we have a deeper connection and a deeper love. We are a team and have built this life together but that sex is needed.

At one point we were talking about what we would do re DD if we separated but as if we had made the decision to go ahead. I said 'is that it then, are we separating? Is the decision made?' He cried. I would say burst into tears but it's as close to burst into tears as an emotionally stunted person could attempt. He said no, I don't want that.

He again stated how beautiful I am and no one would ever match up. That it wasn't because I had gained weight, i was still beautiful. That he wasn't staying with me for DD or because he wouldn't be able to find anyone to measure up. He simply did not want to leave. Very much a 'it's not you. It's me' thing

So then we basically decided that we would attempt to fix what we have and suddenly got on to work and my new boss. It's possibly key that last Christmas (2013) another boss came onto me very strongly. He suddenly became interested because he realised he may lose me and it was like the chance of losing me reinvigorated a passion for a month or so.

Anyway, during the discussions about work I was reminded how greatly we get on.

His mum is coming to see us today. I can't wait Confused

OP posts:
Nextwednesday · 25/01/2015 08:29

He doesn't sound very committed to improving things. He thinks you're beautiful but doesn't want sex with you.

The 'it's not me, it's you' is either he has lost his feelings for you over the years or there is someone else on the horizon.

He's not going to suddenly want sex again is he? From what you say, it's not the worst marriage in the world but can you live without the intimacy?

HellKitty · 25/01/2015 08:55

I think he does want to separate and the almost tears are just the reality of what's involved. Why would you think it or discuss it or him to plan splitting equity? That's not a normal relationship.

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 09:56

No he's not going to suddenly want Sex again but I do believe you can get it back with a lot of effort. I can live without intimacy but I don't want to and why should I.

Hmmm I agree it's not normal per se but desperate times induce these types of talking. Not to mention he was drunk. I agree that he wants to split but I also think he doesn't. I think he's torn and I get that because some days I feel the same.

I was once told 'the only reason we are still together after all these years is because neither if us wanted to leave at the same time'. I think that's true.

OP posts:
Isetan · 25/01/2015 12:56

Yoir relationship sounds highly dysfunctional but because you've lived it for so long, it's become normal. If you're waiting for this man to make up his mind, then you'll be waiting a long time.

It's time to be honest enough with yourself to asses the likelyhood of your needs ever being met by this relationship again.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/01/2015 13:30

I strongly suggest counseling for both of you.

BolshierAyraStark · 25/01/2015 15:09

This relationship sounds very odd & I'm not at all sure how you tolerate it, he's saying one thing but showing you something completely different.

You really should consider counselling but I also think you should prepare yourself to part from this man, please don't hang around in a shit relationship only to get dumped by him.

Original poster
TallulahTwinkletoes · 25/01/2015 16:05

I'm preparing mentally to say we do x or we end it. I'm not sure what x is yet tho.

I'm unsure how DD will cope being the only child from one dad and I don't want her to be an outsider if I have ten more kids from one other man.

I don't want her to have to split Christmases etc.

It's no reason to stay with him but these are huge things that need to be considered.

Like I say, we are happy just not got sexual chemistry.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 25/01/2015 16:23

'We are happy just not got sexual chemistry'

That's not what it looks from your OP.

I think your relationship is on the brink but neither of you is ready to say it out loud.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's how it reads from here.