Oh shit. Help please wise MNers

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

Soooo long story short, we've been together almost 8 years and have a DD who is 3. We were ok I think but since we got pregnant there have been issues. Mostly, these are now resolved I think. Very standard issues people face when having a surprise baby and buying a house/building a life together.

I am 10kg heavier and he's about 30 lighter and pure bloody muscle.

He's on his way home from a night out. DD and I had a meal with him first. When I took DD to the toilet, I flipped my head and my hair. DD did the same and fell off the toilet. She didn't hurt herself, it was a highly comical moment. I told DP and he instantly changed moods. 'It wouldn't have happened on his watch, how dare I laugh that his most precious possession (!) having such an incident'.

He said nothing at the time but was suddenly in a bad mood but just has said the above on the phone.

He also said he loves me, we are soul mates, best friends, he gets on with no one as well as me. He started and followed this with, so where are we going? If we sell the house in a year, what will we do then. Hinting that with split equities no longer tied to the house it is the perfect time to split. Asking how I feel about us, what I hope for.

He never has sex with me. Always says he is tired. Occasionally he will. Usually after drinking. He admitted tonight (tho it's certainly been known to me for at least a year, probably two) that he does not lust after me. He thinks I am beautiful but there's no lust. His friends moan to him that they can't convince their wives to have sex with them. To me, he is that wife. I used to be a very sexual person. Now I'm not at all. I know he's not cheating and never would but he must masterbate a lot or he is turning asexual like I am.

What can I do to make our relationship better? We are pretty great together apart from we are more like friends than lovers. It makes me so sad. Until tonight, I'd become numb to it and tried to forget but him telling me means I'm sat here sobbing waiting for his taxi.

I told him we can talk but if he wants to leave then he should and if he wants to stay he can but I feel that by saying that, it's all his choice and I'm just some doting partner who is happy to go either way.

I need advice. I want my future with this man. He's a good one, mostly.

Thanks in advance

I wonder if he's got that thingy whereas he only sees you as a mum now and not in a sexual way.

I think there's a name for it but not sure what!?

Electra/elektra complex. I think.

Yes. Could well be. He did watch me through hours of labour, thought we were dying then watched a c section and looked over the blue curtain and saw my insides. That'll do it

oh dear! @labour and csection sight...
Well a weekend away sounds like a very good idea. We don't realise how differently we operate when kids are around even if there not in the same room.

I do agree with PP about his words sounding verrrry different from his actions/reactions BUT you know him. I think you could probs suggest sex therapy or couples counselling or gind a list of a few sexual "exercices"/games to bring back intimacy slowly.
Keep us posted Xx

So they work? Would it not feel awfully, erm, I'm not sure what the word is but it sounds very robotic and like it'll be put on. I'll see if google tells me anything. My car just failed it's mot so he's being pretty helpful

I know what you mean.about it being very mechanical. I base this type of couples exercises on the fact that practice makes perfect. And it's very much applicable to any couple who have slowly grown apart to gradually re-learn to enjoy each other's company...hooe this makes sense. Have a try once you've both agreed to it Xx

Is there a way to do it online or get guidance online? Does sound good.

Im not too sure about this but im sure google can help you out Xx

Find a good counsellor and ask for sensate therapy - that should kick start the process. Good luck.

I swear he's so selfish.

Example one) he bought a bottle of vodka Saturday. I was too poorly to drink it so although it's small, he's drank most of it. I ask him tonight if any is left. He says he's just about to drink it. I look over and there's easily two drinks left from it. He's poured one and offered me none. He's now batch cooking his food for the rest of the week at work. Food I'm not allowed to eat.

Example two) my car failed it's mot last Thursday. The repairs are a whole days work. When I talk about what I'll do for work he says 'book a days holiday, that's what most people do'. No offer for a lift or to borrow his car for the day. I'll have to ask colleagues for a lift or pay for a courtesy car from the garage. It's quite far out of his way (14 miles each way) so I don't expect a lift but I don't see why I can't borrow his car and take him to work.

Ok maybe he's got mumsnet. He just bought the vodka in

Tallulah - I'm a man and I find it really really difficult to understand him from what you describe (and also the dynamic between you).

This might be completely off the beaten path, but do you ever have any suspicions that he might be gay? I just cannot understand him saying that he finds you "beautiful" but not wanting to have sex with you. It sounds like diversionary bullshit.

Thanks for the chuckle. No I've never thought he was gay. It's always possible of course but no, definitely not a thought that would cross my mind.

I have to remember the conversation fully. I think at first he said he no longer finds me attractive and when I queried, he said something along the lines of him knowing I'm beautiful but just not seeing it or just not having the lust for me.

I thought it was standard that lust goes but from talking to people since this, it seems it's just him.

I honestly don't feel like sex anymore my self tho. I think since our convo, I just feel like some fat frumpy old lady. I'm 27.

Ph Talullah...ik 27 too amd feel the same. DH hasnt said it so many words....well he said "you don't know how to seduce, its unattractive"etc Ummmmm so nice to hear isnt it? Grrrrrrr

Does he take drugs op?.

Sounds very similar to a friends partner who uses cocaine. Big libido dampener.

Just posted a reply. Not sure where it went.

That's terrible bitby! Is this new or has he always said that. The way he's worded it places all blame at your door and that's disgusting.

No not on drugs. He has taken them but not keen and the people he was with and where he was suggest not.

Ffeewww good to know if you're sure uts not drugs. It really does seem like there is an underlying issue on his side. Something he's not told you...yet. Maybe try to encourage him in a gentle way to open up saying that you'll understand etc...
As for me yeah he really has been horrible at times...very very harsh. Told him the very reason why i don't "remember" how to seduce is vecause he's been making me feel so small for so long. I feel like you when it comes ti intercourse: if its gonna ve awkward let's leave it then

I watched a TEDtalk on Netflix last night about keeping desire alive. It was so interesting. I really suggest you have a look to see if there's a good one there for you bitby.

It talked about how in a partnership we want familiarity and comfort and how for desire we look to the new, the mysterious. It was helpful but not enough as it were. It did give me several ideas tho.

The "soul mates" thing sounds like a bit of a red flag to me. Someone who actually feels a soulmate level of connection doesn't need to say so - it almost feels like by saying it he's trying to prove something? I don't know if that makes any sense.

The comment about DD hurting herself was very weird. My precious possession, and not laughing at a normal bit of three year old clumsiness.

The sex issue is understandably paramount, but I really think it's not happening in isolation, and it would be an idea to look at the relationship is a whole and work out if it's really one worth fighting for before you start fighting. Otherwise what's the point? You'll end up making yourself unutterably miserable.

That was the first time 'soul mates' has been Used but we have spoken about being together so long and having a deeper connection. I think that's his term for that.

I do see what you're saying. For a time, our relationship was bad. We'd argue a lot. We got through that. We got through it well but still the lust didn't come back.

Tallulah, I haven't got anything substantive to add, just that you sound absolutely lovely and he does not know how lucky he is.

Bobby . (Meant to be normal coloured hearts)

He does my head in at times. His friend just sent him a link to a hotel special offer. He sent it to me so we decided we could go. He said take DD, I said she'd want a sleepover at MILs. We've only had one night away from her since birth. He said ok. Now he's umming and arrring about timings, if it's worth it, the cost, what we could do. I've text his mum and she's all excited about having DD and I'm sure I'm going to have to tell her no.

I've suggested going for a meal instead and DD having some time with Mil. He says well why not Saturday (that's his eating day as weekdays are a strict regime) and if Saturday, it'd have to be early because he gets hungry early (mil lives an hour away) and now he's just pondering. I want to throw something at him. I'm not sure if I find it more infuriating or hilarious. He's clearly deep in thought. If he had a beard, he'd be twirling it.

Mil has just offered to have DD next Friday. Valentines on Saturday isn't it! How bloody perfect. She says I should surprise him but I really really want to tell him!!!!!