Oh shit. Help please wise MNers

[TallulahTwinkletoes]

Soooo long story short, we've been together almost 8 years and have a DD who is 3. We were ok I think but since we got pregnant there have been issues. Mostly, these are now resolved I think. Very standard issues people face when having a surprise baby and buying a house/building a life together.

I am 10kg heavier and he's about 30 lighter and pure bloody muscle.

He's on his way home from a night out. DD and I had a meal with him first. When I took DD to the toilet, I flipped my head and my hair. DD did the same and fell off the toilet. She didn't hurt herself, it was a highly comical moment. I told DP and he instantly changed moods. 'It wouldn't have happened on his watch, how dare I laugh that his most precious possession (!) having such an incident'.

He said nothing at the time but was suddenly in a bad mood but just has said the above on the phone.

He also said he loves me, we are soul mates, best friends, he gets on with no one as well as me. He started and followed this with, so where are we going? If we sell the house in a year, what will we do then. Hinting that with split equities no longer tied to the house it is the perfect time to split. Asking how I feel about us, what I hope for.

He never has sex with me. Always says he is tired. Occasionally he will. Usually after drinking. He admitted tonight (tho it's certainly been known to me for at least a year, probably two) that he does not lust after me. He thinks I am beautiful but there's no lust. His friends moan to him that they can't convince their wives to have sex with them. To me, he is that wife. I used to be a very sexual person. Now I'm not at all. I know he's not cheating and never would but he must masterbate a lot or he is turning asexual like I am.

What can I do to make our relationship better? We are pretty great together apart from we are more like friends than lovers. It makes me so sad. Until tonight, I'd become numb to it and tried to forget but him telling me means I'm sat here sobbing waiting for his taxi.

I told him we can talk but if he wants to leave then he should and if he wants to stay he can but I feel that by saying that, it's all his choice and I'm just some doting partner who is happy to go either way.

I need advice. I want my future with this man. He's a good one, mostly.

Thanks in advance

Sorry hun i think Handywoman is right.
I amso believe the reason he cried when you had a chat is because he feels bad...He couldn't bring himself to tell you he wants out so when you asked "are we separatin" he said "no i don't want to leave". I think he does.

Also as an putsider take it from me it seems you are in total denial yourself Hun you keep saying how your life together is so great and happy "apart from sex". Sex IS a part of any functional remationship because it's one very passionate way to EXPRESS LOVE TO ONE ANOTHER. It's pretty natural and basic. No sex No envy No lust No love

I think he's grown out of it and is scared to tell you. Don't be scared to let go if you feel that he's not in it as much as you are.

Have a good think aboit it all Xxx

He doesn't feel lust for you? Well it does fade slightly you know!

I genuinely believe he does not fancy you in that way anymore.

I also believe you are in part responsible for the no sex thing because you have said yourself you do not want it. This does happen to lots of new mums/parents but you both have to make the time and effort.

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here, sometimes people grow apart. I can see you have a lot of good things to say about each other but in reality I don't think you relationship adapted well after having your dd.

Sometimes people decide to go their separate ways because things aren't working, there doesn't have to be a big bomb go off.

Why not suggest a trial separation to see how you both feel? A break might help you both realise how you truly feel.

You can be good friends and good co-parents who do not live together. Lots of people do it.

I am in my mid-forties and this seems to be a time that lots of divorces happen.

From what I see around me, the people that acknowledge the marriage is not good and divorce amicably have a much much happier future than those who cling on until they hate the sight of each other and cannot even have a civil conversation about buying milk, or one has an affair.

Couples counselling?

The op didn't say she didn't want sex. She said that he never wants sex with her unless he is very drunk.
He is forcing this once passionate woman into an asexual life.

Op this is not your fault. It must be very painful.

I don't think you can turn this around. It sounds like you got together and had dc v quickly. However much you wish it, this doesn't seem to be working. He talks the talk but is unable to do the walk... I'd let him go.

We wouldn't really be able to do a trial separation. We have a mortgage and neither could afford to pay it alone. We have no where to go as neither of us have family here and I don't think he really has friends that have the space.

We had more talking today.

DD had a nap and we are both knackered from staying up so late so we lay in bed. I've had a bit of a sobbing day but I think I've hidden it well. He asked if I wanted to have sex. I said no. I didn't want to turn down the opportunity but it would be far too awkward and I'd probably cry through it taking our already awkward sex to a whole new level.

We then spoke more. Same stuff really. I asked if he would try to stop me if I did leave. He said he wouldn't blame me but would try to stop me.

He says he is worried where we will be in two more years if nothing changes. He also said it's not that he's not attracted to me as such. He thinks I'm as attractive as ever but regardless of that, he doesn't have lust. I think that's slightly better than what he said last night

I'm listening to what everyone's saying. Maybe I am in denial but I strongly believe that we have a really good relationship and the sex will come back. This is true that we have not adapted well to DD.

Oh lots of replies while I was slowly typing

I think most of ot is covered but I must say we were together over four years before DD came along. It's our eight year anniversary next month. DD is three.

Ok if you want to stick it out, best to start getting used to touching each other again, not in a sexual way but when sitting watching tv, holding hands, arms around one another, peck on the cheek when he gets through the door.

Things like that. They don't lead to sex but gradually you will both be more comfortable in touching each other, then the touching will begin to feel comfortable and natural.

It sounds a little bit like he doesn't want a full relationship with you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

I feel sorry for you OP it seems like you are in a very difficult situation. I really hope he decides exactly what he wants soon and is brave enough to either totally commit to bettering your relationship, or let's you go so you can meet someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

That's what I aim for quite likely but he says he has personal space issues and dislikes snuggling etc. he snuggles DD happily, (tho quite often we don't have much of a choice with the squishy one) which again leads me to believe it's just me he doesn't like to snuggle.

Op there is a programme for couples who have experienced your type of issues with intimacy called sensate focus which aims to slowly reintroduce intimacy.

If you both still love each other and want to fix the relationship then counselling could work.

P.s I mean 'your' as in the relationship rather than your own issues just to be clear

OP how are you getting on? xx

Aaw, bless you for thinking of me

I'm not sure. We are looking into a night away together for our anniversary which is a start.

I'm not really sure how to invoke lust tho. I've been thinking and I remember giving up lingerie about a year ago as I'd put DD to bed and get showered/make up/lingerie and he'd look up, look down at what he was doing and carry on. Then I'd sit there til we went to bed and more often than not he'd say he wanted to sleep anyway. I think he was depressed back then. Nowadays, he's better everywhere but sex.

A colleague/friend has been diagnosed with cancer this week. It's spread and she has to go through chemo etc. her husband and her are the sweetest couple ever. So much love. It got me thinking so I asked him, if he came to that point would he spend his last months happy with the life he had led with me and our house and his choices. He contemplated Nd said he'd be happy and disappointed as no one looks back with no regrets.

I said I'd rephrase it. Would he be disappointed to have spent it with me. He said absolutely not. He wouldn't think that at all. Good start.

Part of what someone up thread keeps ringing in my ears tho. Possibly it's better to separate while we are still amicable rather than waiting until we hate each other.

OP, I'd be crushed if I made the effort to get made up and put lovely lingerie on DH should be so lucky for it to be ignored. And his no touching rule? He sounds very cold, especially with the "do you want sex" comment. I'm not surprised that sex feels awkward if he refuses any other kind of intimacy.

He never has sex with you or he sometimes does?

OP said he only has ex with her very occasionally, after he's been drinking.

So almost never.

I'd say it's fortnightly. Not terrible yet but was getting worse until this talking. Obviously not ready yet tho.

It's only the last few times it become awkward but rarely before it was. For me anyway.

Yes it's odd that he's become as he has with personal space. He hasn't always been that way and isn't when drunk. I used to joke I prefer drunk him.

But I try not to keep track. Could be tri weekly. If that's not made up term.

You mentioned he'd had depression upthread Tallulah. It's possible he could be depressed again, that can cause all kinds of intimacy issues.

I might be grabbing at straws though.

Grab away. I often repeat muself

I have to say, it's been ages since he's done this. I'm not sure if he's been harbouring it all this time or feels this way again.

Without sounding rude, do you think it's because you have put on weight and he is so much into health and fitness?

One thing I will say here is don't listen to what the man says, watch his actions. Because IMO his actions are telling a completely different story to what is coming out of his mouth!

Yes I do think it's partly that and partly that I got fatter while pregnant and although I lost it straight away, it really put him off. Most of our intimacy was lost during that 9 months and it's been nigh on impossible to get back.

Oh and he's very honest. I know people say that but he's not a liar. It's only recently he started even sugar coating things so unless he's changed drastically without me realising I trust what he says. Completely agree actions louder than words tho.