Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do

62 replies

Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 19:20

DH and I have been together nearly 8 years and have two DC 3 &4. We've had our ups and downs, been to counselling. We can be really good but also really bad.

We argue a lot about silly little things. He says I nag him and I probably do sometimes but I get so frustrated when he says he'll do things and then doesn't. I try and speak to him positively and calmly but sometimes I think I am critical. He won't take responsibility and I have to constantly remind him what needs doing, he will say he forgets but I think that as an adult he should find ways to remember eg lists and we've discussed this.

Anyway tonight, we were snipping over a minor issue. When he just flipped. He threatened to stab me and came up really close to my face and his eyes were just vacant but he was enraged. I know he was so close to hitting me. I laughed as I was so scared which looking back was really inappropriate.

Anyway I don't know what to do know. It was a one off, he wasn't actually violent but I was scared. I'm also worried that he could flip like this with the kids as they do wind him up sometimes (he has smacked them in the past which we constantly disagree on). Will he be ok to be with the kids on his own? Should we have some space apart?

Was it my fault as I pushed him too far and was being critical? He told me I was. But I've always said violence is a no no, but then he didn't hit me so am I over reacting?

He has recently lost a very close family member so is stressed but I don't want to carry on like this but don't know what to do. We can get on really well and I don't want to throw it away but am not sure how to resolve this or even if I want to.

I'm sorry this is so long but I don't have anyone to talk to irl and I've seen some good advice on here before.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 24/01/2015 19:32

Where is your DH now?

As a start point I'd probably advise some distance. Do you have someone in RL you can go to with the kids?

As a second point, there is no place for intimidation and threats of violence in a relationship. There is no "nagging" or "goading" that excuses this nor any stress on his part.

Is this recoverable? I don't know, but ignoring this until the next time isn't really an option is it?

Either he or you should leave and then discuss what comes next in a safe and calm environment.

Vivacia · 24/01/2015 19:33

I would ring 101 and ask for advice. You are already minimising this.

Where is he now?

worrieddadof2 · 24/01/2015 19:45

He "threatend to stab you", that tells you everything you need to know. What an absolute coward of a man.

Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 19:47

He stormed out afterwards and texted me to tell me that I'd pushed him too far.

He's just been back to get some clothes and is going to stay with family. I said that I didn't want him to see the kids without someone else being around. He asked me what I expected him to do as I was constantly telling him he was shit and pathetic. I don't, I do moan at him for not doing stuff though.

He said that I just couldn't see it wasn't all his fault. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault. I do moan but physical is a completely different area.

I keep thinking I'm over reacting and I did push his buttons. But then I think what his face was like and it was completely out of control, but then he didn't actually hit me. He did say he was very near to when he just came back.

I'm sorry I'm rambling now but I just feel all over the place. I never thought my marriage would be like this.

I don't want to call 101 as it seems a bit of an over reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 19:50

worried I know how it sounds and if I was reading this I'd think my DH was an absolute arse. I don't think he would, but then again when I think of his face maybe he could have (he'd put the knife down at that stage and had come up to my face)

But I know I can be critical and maybe did push him too far. Maybe I just expect too much of him, especially given he's stressed. I am aware of how wet that sounds.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 24/01/2015 19:57

He said that I just couldn't see it wasn't all his fault.

It was all his fault. All of the responsibility is his.

Ringing 101 for advice is not an overreaction. Next time will be worse. You are already minimising this.

Vivacia · 24/01/2015 19:58

(he'd put the knife down at that stage and had come up to my face)

Hang on, there was an actual knife?

tribpot · 24/01/2015 20:04

Woah woah woah - as Vivacia says, he threatened to stab you whilst holding a knife? That is very different to 'merely' threatening to stab you (which in itself is quite bad enough).

SexOrTaxRelief · 24/01/2015 20:06

You nag. He forgets things. You nag. He is irresponsible. You snipe over him putting a glass in the washing up bowl, or leaving the loo seat up (or something equally minor). He flips. He wants to stab you. You laugh in his face. He gets angry. You are scared. He smacks. You don't.

It feels like you are incompatible, seriously so. Its the 'really bad' that in the context of what you say later leaps out to me. Goodness, what's the 'really good' like. Average, great, fantastic, or is it all relative?

This may sound a bit flippant, given the anger, but the underlying cause I think it that - serious incompatibility. When its good it masks it, but doesn't change it.

I don't see the word happiness anywhere. Are you happy OP?

Vivacia · 24/01/2015 20:09

serious incompatibility

No shit. It's difficult to think what kind of a person would be compatible with someone this aggressive and out of control.

Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 20:34

Yes, there was a knife, we were cooking tea.

sex I think you may be right. We are incompatible. I get frustrated and nag, this makes him angry. We have different aspirations and expectations about lots of things. We met at a time when I was very vulnerable and quite frankly, desperate for a loving relationship.

I don't think he was angry when we met. In fact one of the things I liked about him was that he was laid back, the opposite to men I'd had relationships in the past. I've made him like this. Angry and unhappy. I don't want either of us to be like this.

And no I don't think I'm happy, but I don't know. Most of the time I like being with him but is that habit? Recently, I have found myself thinking is this the sort of relationship I imagined? I don't think we are a partnership nor have much respect for each other.

I think tonight was a culmination of this. I don't know what to do. We have two young dcs, a life together but then part of me thinks if you do something now you still have time happiness, leave it 10 years maybe I won't.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 24/01/2015 20:42

Nice one Taxrelief Hmm

SexOrTaxRelief · 24/01/2015 20:45

Hey, OP you have hit the nail in my opinion. But not this bit...I've made him like this

No you have not. We are all responsible for the way we feel. We are all responsible for our choices, our actions, our inactions and what we do next. Every minute of every day.

It's over isn't it? You only imagine the relationship you want and it is out there, but yours is over. Just be complete, between the two of you put your children first, and then find what you want. And please find happiness...

PeppermintPasty · 24/01/2015 20:54

Er, look OP, there is never EVER any excuse for threatening to stab someone. He sounds dangerous to me. You are minimising. This is not your fault, no matter how much 'nagging' has gone on.

There'd be no going back for me from this.

Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 20:54

I'm scared if it's over.

I don't want my dc to have to deal with divorced parents. I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want split christmases and new partners.

But I can't see how the marriage can continue, certainly not like this. Is there a way to be happy together? I have no idea where to start. And always, at the back of my mind will be his face when he was so angry.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 24/01/2015 20:55

Better that than death or injury, to be blunt.

SexOrTaxRelief · 24/01/2015 20:57

Cause: Incompatibility

Effect: Unhappiness: leading to nagging, arguing, lack of self worth (both of you), anger, violence and other things.

But let's not forget two important things here;

  1. The children - who are going through it too.
  2. All that lost time.

I think counselling to part now may be more helpful than counselling to patch it up make it work. One day you may respect each other again.

Vivacia · 24/01/2015 20:58

I don't want my dc to have to deal with divorced parents. I don't want to be a divorcee, I don't want split christmases and new partners.

Really? That's what you perceive as the threat here? Because I'd be more worried about my children growing up in a house with this level of violence and aggression. What happens when one of your children starts "asking for it"? What happens when they are listening to him give you a slap? What happens when they see you walking on eggshells?

Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 20:59

Peppermint I was going to say that he's not dangerous and is usually quite placid but actually that's not true.

He's been getting increasingly angry and "blows". He told me the other day about a run in he'd had with a delivery man and there was a confrontation with the bin men.

Would stress make him like this and me nagging/others irritating him just be the final straw? How can I help him? I do think he is a good man really but is maybe being reactive to stress. Could this be the case?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 24/01/2015 20:59

FFS TaxRelief what are you trying to achieve here??

Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 21:00

I know and agree with everything you are saying. I just can't believe this really could be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedchicken · 24/01/2015 21:01

I just want to be able to save our marriage and make it good.

OP posts:
SexOrTaxRelief · 24/01/2015 21:02

Vivacia
I am merely posting my thoughts. Why?

PeppermintPasty · 24/01/2015 21:04

I think this talk of 'incompatibility' is a red herring. As Vivacia says, who the bloody hell would be compatible with a person making free with threats to stab whilst in the presence of a knife, actually, holding the knife? Come on, this is mad.

Op, you've said you're not happy. Chances are your dc pick up on this stuff all the time. Better two happy, separate households, than one deeply unhappy, violent one.

Vivacia · 24/01/2015 21:05

You are minimising his behaviour. You are feeding the OP's fears that she is somehow a contributing factor in this assault. You are distracting her from ringing the police to focus on how her behaviour might have led to this.

Your advice is dangerous and skirting too close to victim-blaming.