I don't know what to do

[Confusedchicken]

DH and I have been together nearly 8 years and have two DC 3 &4. We've had our ups and downs, been to counselling. We can be really good but also really bad.

We argue a lot about silly little things. He says I nag him and I probably do sometimes but I get so frustrated when he says he'll do things and then doesn't. I try and speak to him positively and calmly but sometimes I think I am critical. He won't take responsibility and I have to constantly remind him what needs doing, he will say he forgets but I think that as an adult he should find ways to remember eg lists and we've discussed this.

Anyway tonight, we were snipping over a minor issue. When he just flipped. He threatened to stab me and came up really close to my face and his eyes were just vacant but he was enraged. I know he was so close to hitting me. I laughed as I was so scared which looking back was really inappropriate.

Anyway I don't know what to do know. It was a one off, he wasn't actually violent but I was scared. I'm also worried that he could flip like this with the kids as they do wind him up sometimes (he has smacked them in the past which we constantly disagree on). Will he be ok to be with the kids on his own? Should we have some space apart?

Was it my fault as I pushed him too far and was being critical? He told me I was. But I've always said violence is a no no, but then he didn't hit me so am I over reacting?

He has recently lost a very close family member so is stressed but I don't want to carry on like this but don't know what to do. We can get on really well and I don't want to throw it away but am not sure how to resolve this or even if I want to.

I'm sorry this is so long but I don't have anyone to talk to irl and I've seen some good advice on here before.

Re your point about helping him Confusedchicken, you can't can you? He has to do it, he has to recognise it for a start, and own it, and deal with it. Sounds as if he's a long way away from that, unfortunately.

Have you got real life support?

Put it this way TaxRelief you have a man in a house with children, he threatens to stab their mother with that knife and you stand there and say, "well, you did nag him".

Exactly.

whether you want to or not you need to log this with the police. What happens when you split and he gets shared custody of the children. And you cannot protect them from his anger when they are with him unsupervised.

You need to speak to the police, women's aid and a good solicitor pronto. If not for yourself but for the safety of your children.

oh and this sudden change of personality - drugs, affair? Who knows - but you can't control it or fix it.

No, I know I can't help him and that it's down to him and, you're right, he thinks it's all my fault but there's still that part of me that feels I am to blame for what happened and that maybe it was a one off and we can sort it out. Do you think anger management might help him? What could I do to change?

In some ways I've got lots of support irl, good close family, good job etc but there's no one I can talk to like this. That's why I'm here and rambling. I need to decide a way forward, as I am certain we can't be in this situation again.

Yes.

I have never felt as angry or close to thumping someone as I did when my Dad died suddenly. I could go from calm to raging, with a ferocity I've never known, in seconds. If I'd had someone nit picking about 'stuff' I'm not sure I wouldn't have screamed something horrible at them. It's a horrible way to feel.

Grief on it's own can really push you to the edge, if you are living with someone who is constantly on at you and nothing you do is right, I can see how'd you'd say something stupid like that. He said something awful, he frightened you. He was angry and wanted to lash out, but he didn't, he walked away. He's human. Real people make real mistakes.

I think you both need some space to work out what you want. If you think you can be happy together or if you are done trying.

Of course, the majority will say he's abusive and you should LTB, I'm fine with possibly being the lone voice on this one.

Fuck, is it really that serious? Police, women's aid and solicitor?

Chipping thank you. That's exactly how it is.

The OP wants to try to make it work, despite what has happened. I am saying it never will and giving the underlying reason why. I have also given OP some important information that she is not a contributing factor.

But not getting that they are seriously (would dangerously be better Vivacia?) incompatible is a mistake. That is a mutual thing. Patching up is not an option. The danger here is that OP thinks that she can achieve happiness with DH. She cannot because she does not feel it, and probably won't, and together this lack of happiness fails both of them.

Has he ever behaved like that (threatened to stab) with anyone else? If not, he's in control of behaviour and trying to control you through fear and intimidation. He might end up being physically violent, he might not. Either way, I wouldn't want to live with a man like that and I wouldn't want my children to.

FYI, my parents are divorced and I turned out just fine (honestly).

When I lost my beloved dad I never once felt like doing someone harm.

Look, ultimately you must make the decision, but this isn't normal, so please try not to minimise it and blame yourself. He flipped, with a knife in hand, eyes vacant, and threatened to stab you. That is some escalation.

I don't think it's LTB time. But, and I can't believe I'm getting opposition to this, when someone assaults you and threatens you with a knife (and your children are in the house) it's time to ring the police and log the incident.

TaxRelief there was a man in a house with children, he threatened to stab their mother with that knife and you said, "well, you did nag him".

Thanks "ChippingIn* and you are not the lone voice.

I am happy with him sometimes. We can have a good time together. We are incompatible in lots of ways but you can never be 100% the same can you?

I do think we could work and I think that's what I am so unwilling to let go. Rather old-fashionedly, I always thought marriage was for life, bar violence and I think that's why tonight has skewed me so much. I always said it would be a deal breaker.

I feel so sad, and to a point guilty, that DH felt so angry and sad that he reacted in this way. Maybe the recent bereavement has affected him as Chipping said. That said, I won't put my DC at risk and they are my priority.

I think space is the answer for the immediate future. Does anyone know where we/he could get some support?

Thank you for all your comments, it is really helping and it's good to hear different views!

What would happen if I did log it with the police? Would I call 101? I don't think DH would forgive me, would he need to know?

If he's out of the house now, see what happens once he's calmed down. If he is genuinely horrified by his behaviour (as he should be) maybe you could suggest anger management to him.

Vivacia and Peppermint
Where are you taking this? They were cooking tea, he put the knife down, he has left the house.
It is a mistake to not deal with the underlying issue, otherwise it will just get worse. Incompatibility needs to be addressed on both sides.

God, I speak from experience.

I agree that space is what's needed right now. Tonight I would ring the police. Tomorrow I would ring Women's Aid. Collect information, get different perspectives. I think he can get support, and I would make it a condition of us living together again. I think that it's very important that he takes the initiative on this. One of the things you said is that he's currently blaming you.

Ring 101 now and ask for advice, get the incident logged.

Time and again we read about women on here wanting to protect their children but there's no paper trial of the historic incidents.

I don't think DH would forgive me

Forgive you for what?

Your children were in the house. He threatened to stab you.

Don't we all. I'm not 'taking' it anywhere. Frankly I can't believe the minimising that's going on. In whose world is this threat a normal reaction to anything? Do you really need guiding to one horrific possibility? And no, I'm not so naive as to think that there is only one outcome, but am I really hearing that this poor little grief stricken person (or whatever the 'reason' is) should be patted on the head while someone coos at him? Fgs.

Vivacia and I am irritated that you posted that I suggested DH had some legitimacy to his actions through being nagged. I have very clearly not said that.

If you are going to use quotes as you did when you said "well, you did nag him" then you need to be very clear that this was what I posted, which I did not. I think you owe me an apology.

I paraphrased what you said,

You nag. He forgets things. You nag. He is irresponsible. You snipe over him putting a glass in the washing up bowl, or leaving the loo seat up (or something equally minor). He flips. He wants to stab you. You laugh in his face. He gets angry. You are scared. He smacks. You don't.

Which is actually worse in my opinion.

Threatening to stab you while holding a knife is serious, and he hasn't even apologised! Agree that it should be logged with police. Not that an apology would make it OK pf course.

Presumably you complain to him because he doesn't do his fair share or parent the DC kindly? And his response is what it is, not at all reasonable.

Also that he has hit the DC, more than once. Not great either that he has "run ins" with random people.