I don't know what to do

[Confusedchicken]

DH and I have been together nearly 8 years and have two DC 3 &4. We've had our ups and downs, been to counselling. We can be really good but also really bad.

We argue a lot about silly little things. He says I nag him and I probably do sometimes but I get so frustrated when he says he'll do things and then doesn't. I try and speak to him positively and calmly but sometimes I think I am critical. He won't take responsibility and I have to constantly remind him what needs doing, he will say he forgets but I think that as an adult he should find ways to remember eg lists and we've discussed this.

Anyway tonight, we were snipping over a minor issue. When he just flipped. He threatened to stab me and came up really close to my face and his eyes were just vacant but he was enraged. I know he was so close to hitting me. I laughed as I was so scared which looking back was really inappropriate.

Anyway I don't know what to do know. It was a one off, he wasn't actually violent but I was scared. I'm also worried that he could flip like this with the kids as they do wind him up sometimes (he has smacked them in the past which we constantly disagree on). Will he be ok to be with the kids on his own? Should we have some space apart?

Was it my fault as I pushed him too far and was being critical? He told me I was. But I've always said violence is a no no, but then he didn't hit me so am I over reacting?

He has recently lost a very close family member so is stressed but I don't want to carry on like this but don't know what to do. We can get on really well and I don't want to throw it away but am not sure how to resolve this or even if I want to.

I'm sorry this is so long but I don't have anyone to talk to irl and I've seen some good advice on here before.

Not forgive me for making it public/making a big deal/ letting him down- all my words, not his.

And as I said, all views are helpful to hear.

I think my plan is, wait until he contacts me. If he can take responsibility for his actions and show remorse, maybe we can look at a way forward. If he repeats that it was my fault that he acted in this way, then I think there may have to be a different outcome.

I think I'll call 101 and ask for some advice, as if it did come to a split, I would want to know that the dc were safe when with him and understand that a paper trail may be useful.

Two women a week

Vivacia These things are not mutually exclusive. Maximising the anger and the knife, which does not need maximising in my view (I mean they are together pretty big....), and not addressing (and minimising?) the incompatibility could very well lead to this unhappy, unhealthy and dangerous relationship being......fostered.

And OP might be well advised to look for compatibility, in this relationship or the next.

I think I'll call 101 and ask for some advice, as if it did come to a split, I would want to know that the dc were safe when with him and understand that a paper trail may be useful.

It just offers you a little protection (should you ever need it) and buys you options for the future (should you or your children need them).

Hey OP hope your ok I just wanna say that I agree you should report the incident, I dont know you your life or anything thats happened apart from what you have said, I think as u are clearly unsure of what you or ur partner wants to happen with your marraige atm I would suggest some time for u both to think and try to get a clear head over the whole situation not what has just happened and when you have decided if you want to try or not (and he has too) discuss this in a neutral environment and set ground rules on things that need to change on both partd maybe

I hope you're ok this morning OP.

I am thanks. I just feel a bit shell shocked by it all.

DH hasn't called yet, am about to make cake with DC and try to be normal.

I don't know how I feel. I called 101 and asked "on behalf of a friend", they said to call and report it but I haven't yet. I don't know why.

Oh and forgot to name change. Never mind.

'Marriage for life' is a patriarchial fallacy that was introduced to keep women from divorcing their abusers.

Much better divorced parents than dead mother, dont you think?

You need to report this, as you dont know when you may need to refer to it in future years.

Hope you are okay op and this has been logged with the police.

Just for the record men often use the term nagging whenever a woman offers an opinion. It is a way of belittling you, no one likes a nag right?

You can't fix this. Your H needs serious anger and grief management.

If he does this willingly off his own back you could look at couples counselling in maybe 6 months or so.

Until then you should use all the resources available out there to protect you from a man who threatens to stab you whilst standing holding a knife.

If he is not willing to do this what is better a divorce or potentially your dc being motherless?

You need to protect yourself and the first.

For the posters who are not in the LTB camp and thinks its a one off etc have you ever been in a violent and abusive relationship? I say this because women don't usually marry and have children with violent and abusive men, it starts somewhere and IMO this is the start. OP will moderate her behaviour and forever be fearful of saying the wrong thing from this day forward. He's already blaming her for his violence and threatening to stab her with a knife in his hand and OP is already minimizing his behaviour. The cycle has begun.

It doesn't matter if he found you in bed shagging his best friend, he should not be stood in your face threatening to stab you with a knife in his hands!!

For the sake of your children do not take him back. I say this from my personal experiences and anyone who has been where you are and I have been they will probably agree with me.