How do you learn self discipline?

[Thistledew]

I'm sorry if this is not the right section, but don't know where else to ask this.

How do you teach yourself self-discipline? I would love to hear from people who used to be undisciplined and have managed to turn things around, as I have realised that I need to make some fundamental changes.

My lack of discipline arrises mostly in relation to my work, but also in terms of general personal admin/ housework etc.

I work self-employed in a job that I love but which is mentally very demanding. I have enough discipline to make sure that I never miss a deadline for my clients, and my lack of discipline doesn't impinge on anyone but myself. I also could not do my exact job in an employed role, and do really value being self-employed. I have done similar roles in an employed position, and became very bored and resentful after a short while.

My problem is that whilst my lack of discipline doesn't affect my clients, it does affect me. I find it very hard to make myself sit down and get on with my work until the deadline is absolutely looming, when suddenly my focus will appear and I can sit and work solidly for hours until the work is done. What this means is that I will faff around wasting time on the internet during normal working hours, and then end up having to work late in the evening or at night to get the work done. Or I will have a really unproductive day one day, and then need to work frantically the next. Or I will put off doing boring admin stuff like billing the work I have done, and then wonder why I have no money coming in!

I would also like to be a bit more disciplined regarding household stuff. I am messy, and would like to be a bit more sorted in terms of dedicating time to cleaning and tidying.

I am not without discipline in all areas of my life, in that I do triathlon (for fun), and am actually pretty disciplined about keeping up with my training program for that. In some ways, I think this is actually a diverted form of laziness, as when I am swimming, cycling or running, I don't have to think and I don't have to do, so actually, it becomes another way of avoiding being productive.

Can anyone help? Late nights, and the stress of making everything last minute is not doing me any good, I know. I also regularly feel fed up with myself for not being more productive and for wasting time, and would like to feel happier with myself.

Ha! I know your problem very well as i used to be the same.

Heres my tips.

Small Steps - you are not going to turn into one of those super organised types overnight, lets face it probably not ever so don't try. Take small steps and build on them. If you try an efficiency revolution it will last ohh about 2 days then you will be back to normal.

Use a time table - literally print off a weekly plan and write in what you are going to do and when. (remember step one) Don't pencil in 8 hrs of admin, try doing just 20 mins per day. DO NOT make this a super cooper all consuming timetable or you will end up spending more time on your timetable than you do on your work!

Keep a to do list. Do the things that are on it!

Habit habit habit. Do the same things at the same time regularly. We are what we practise.

I always tried to bear in mind that this is how professional adults operate. I had obligations and responsibilities to people and they had the right to expect that i worked hard and efficiently. Not spend my time pissing about on the internet, having breakfast, reading the paper. And in truth although i thought i was fabulous at pulling the cat out of the bag at the very last minute of the deadline if a was being searingly honest my work was not as good as when i planned ahead and did it in a timely fashion.

It kinda worked for me. But it was and still is a constant battle.

Not really much help, but I am exactly the same!!! It is totally stressing me out, has done for years really.

I've been talking about it to my counsellor recently. I've started hating myself for it, and that doesn't really help, so at the moment I am trying to 'allow' this behaviour and be accepting of it. (In the hope that if I don't give it so much headspace it will reduce by itself.)

I'd love to hear some success stories from people who have overcome this problem.

Thanks getthefeckouttahere I was thinking of trying a timetable. I'm not sure how well it will work as I spend some of my time 'out in the field' with little ability to predict when I will be finished, but it might help me for the days that I am just at my desk.

I do have To Do lists, but quite often forget to look at them, unless I am aware of something with an urgent deadline.

Does it become any easier at all? I will have a day or two when I think I am improving, then it will completely slide again for a few days and I will be back to feeling rubbish.

AwakeCantSleep - you have my sympathies. I agree that it is worthless beating ourselves up about it as the negative emotions involved don't really help, but unfortunately I found it didn't make it any more likely that I would change the behaviours that were making me unhappy!

Anyway - back to work. And must resist the temptation to keep checking if there are any new messages here!

oh you have to do listS.?

Not good, one list thistle, one list!

Yep, same, self employed, work at home etc. This is my list if any of this helps:

1. Do it now - if it will only take a few minutes just get it done and don't keep going back to it procrasinating.
2. First things first - do the thing that I have been dreading or the most important thing to the business (e.g. not admin) so that it's out of the way and not sitting there bugging me so that I focus on the things that really matter as a priority rather than leaving them until last because they seem too difficult.
3. Focus for fifty minutes at a time (or ten or fifteen if you really think you can manage only that). Two things here - you can't keep your concentration for too long - after fifty minutes get up walk around, water the plants, make a drink etc. for a few minutes so that you can go back refreshed for another fifty minutes. If you really don't think you can do fifty minutes, promise yourself ten minutes - anyone can manage that - and hopefully you'll get into whatever it is and carry on.
4. Schedule tasks according to energy - do the most important things at the time of the day that you are most alert.
5. Plan the week - what do you want to achieve and when? Also really important plan your down time so that you have an incentive to work hard because then you can play.
6. Go to bed and get up at the same time. I realised that a lot of "time management" for me isn't about time management but around energy management - I have the time to work but I am low on energy - so I need to take care of my health - I too exercise but also eating healthily, getting rest and leisure time.
7. Stop when energy is low - recognise that if you're not achieving anything stop and take a break, have a sleep, do some meditation, do some housework, read a book, watch the television etc. until you feel you've got the energy to carry on, don't take three hours to do something you could do in half an hour with more focus.
8. Schedule each day (see 5).
9. Don't check emails until the afternoon - or at least don't check them constantly. Also don't check emails when you're not working!

10. No social media - at least when I'm supposed to be focused on something else. 11. Focus on how I will feel once I get it done as an incentive.

Do I do all these things? No - but maybe this is a reminder that I should!

Another thought - maybe you are taking on too much "hard" work - like you, I also feel that my role is mentally demanding and I have to jump between different contracts, and I'm wondering whether it's just too much for my brain to cope with!

Also, are you getting enough downtime? If you finish something early do you reward yourself with doing something nice, or do you just use the time to do more work.

Also interested to see what everyone else says!

Oh, and if you can afford it, get a cleaner - they clean and you have an incentive to tidy up!

Ok, I've read your post and it sounds like you are actually already pretty self disciplined for the things that matter to you - the triathons, never missing a deadline, etc

It seems mostly to be bothering you that you need the impetus of a deadline to help you focus. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS - some people operate at their best under pressure.

I also regularly feel fed up with myself for not being more productive and for wasting time, and would like to feel happier with myself

You are already productive and I think (personally) you would to better to focus on why you feel you 'ought' to be acting a different way.

As long as nobody else is being inconvenienced by your method of working, what does it matter? I am the complete opposite - I hate running to a deadline and always finish with time to spare. The thought of leaving everything to the last moment brings me out in a cold sweat :) BUT I have many friends who are the opposite - they need to have that fear to focus them, and it could be that you are simply wired that way.

If you are genuinely happy with the work you produce (and everyone else is happy too) then why do you feel you 'ought' to change that system? Perhaps you should just accept yourself for the way you are.

DISCLAIMER: all the other less important stuff - housework etc - can be run according to a schedule.

Yes, good point, I have sometimes wondered whether waiting til the last minute to do something is a good time management strategy as you are then forced to really focus on it rather than spending lots of time faffing. I don't know about thistledew but a lot of what I do kind of benefits from doing something once, then going away and thinking about it and then finalising it, so there's a danger of leaving things til the last minute that you don't benefit from your brain mulling things over. Also, it depends on you not being anxious about it in the meantime.

For me, it was about a change in attitude towards the things I put off.

I'm essentially a lazy person who wants to do as little as possible.

I've realised this means being organised and efficient.

For example, It's easier and quicker to keep on top of work. If you leave a bathroom for a month, it takes a lot longer to clean than 4 x a quick wipe over once a week.

Once I realised keeping on top of things was easier, quicker and made for a less stressful life it soon occurred to me that most things worked out that way. So now, the lazy part of me is what most ovaries me not to put things off.

You can practise self-discipline. In fact, that is the only way to get it as an adult I believe.

I taught myself.

It does not come overnight. It takes years of training. Like building up your running. You can't go out and run a marathon in 3:30 when all you've ever done is walk briskly to the shops.

Choose one thing, a simple thing, e.g. putting your shoes away when you get in. For a while focus on always doing that properly.

Here's the key: remind yourself that it is not really about the shoes, it is really about making yourself do it now when a part of you doesn't want to.

I quickly noticed I can be like a sulky teenager in my head (I am a serious professional woman in reality!). "But I don't waaannntttt to put my shoes away! Humpf, it's too haaarrrddd! I'll do it later."

Another part of my brain kicks in and is like a mum "No, you'll put them away now". Sometimes my brain rolls its eyes at itself and mutters "oh ffs stop being a little spoilt princess". I sometimes say these things out loud when I am working at home (alone).

You will gradually learn to make yourself do the boring shit in a timely manner.

Do not try to change everything at once. You will fail. Train your brain gently.

de-lurking for this.

I found this article described me well
waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html
waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html

Everybody procrastinates, but if like myself it goes too far it qualifies as self sabotage.

There are some good comments on this thread already. I will agree that its about having good habits. The most important habits in my mind are. 'Do it now' if you can and 'Get started' even if you don't know how to finish. Every morning I decide what is worrying me most, that goes onto my daily to do list and I return to that list to refocus after each distraction.

Something that really works for me is that I listen to music whilst I work, always the same music. Music I like but not enough to want to stop and listen to it/Dance. I listen to the same music over and over again whilst I am working and it create a background hum in my head and a familiar environment for work. I think this may be called an anchor in NLP. I've read of others doing this.

I am also trying to focus on positive motivations for doing things. Like I'm going to learn something (I love learning something new) rather than negative motivations (panic because a deadline is approaching).

Good Luck

Oh not something i practised but i worked with someone who's whole focus was on trying to EVER deal with the task in hand once. No putting down and picking up. Boring -tough. Difficult - tough. Once started they persevered until it was complete. They were a very efficient workmate too.

Thanks all.

tigermoll - in some ways being motivated by short deadlines is helpful for my job as I often have to turn round work very quickly, and it means I don't get too stressed when those bits of work come in.

However, I do want to change as I am ending up doing too many late nights and then feeling rubbish the next day. Also, I would like to put a stop to having to work on Sunday evenings because I haven't don't my prep for Monday on Friday.

My biggest stupidity is the "I'll just ..." check Facebook, read one article, play one stupid game on my phone, the. I'll start work. I know I'm being stupid doing so and not just getting on with things and completely agree with the PP (sorry, I'm on my phone and can't scroll back) who talks about the teenage voice saying "I don't want to", it's hard". I really wish there was a way of squashing that feeling and recognising that I would actually feel better listening to the adult voice.

I suppose it is about the short term gratification of doing anything other than hard work(no matter how much I do actually enjoy it) versus the delayed satisfaction of getting the hard or boring stuff out of the way before enjoying the short term gratification stuff

Try to squash the feeling and you will fail. Emotions can't be switched off or altered. Feel the feeling. Then act according to your "adult" values.

Try reading The Happiness Trap not when you are supposed to be working obviously

Not really direct practical advice, but if you're interested in some of the discoveries of cognitive psychology on this subject, "The Science Of Self Control" by Howard Rachlin is a good read.

bigfish- those articles are spot on. Have you found that imagery helpful in keeping you on track?

Hat - I might try listening to music a bit more. It does sometimes keep the more distractible part of t brain occupied sometimes, but other times it seems to lead to meandering YouTube searches as I get distracted by random musical trails. I mig try your truck of sticking to one soundtrack.

If you work on a laptop, try this out:
macfreedom.com

Thistle - Yes, I know recognise when I am in the Dark Playground (I am there right now actually - Doh). I also realised that I knew about flow but not how to get there.

Re Music: Youtube definitely does not work - that way lies madness. I use soundcloud and have 8-10 x 1-2 hour mix tapes in a playlist. Touch the selection of music once, use it always.

Also my comment about 'good luck' is wrong; luck has nothing to do with it. It's about perseverance and aHAT is right that you gradually learn this stuff. I have been most successful when I make doing something a daily habit, that way I can play 'don't break the chain'. www.writersstore.com/dont-break-the-chain-jerry-seinfeld/

I tend to make too many changes at once though, and break one chain to maintain the next and once you give in you break the habit.

Hello OP and everybody on this thread. I am in exactly the same boat and while I love being a freelancer I find the lack of social interaction and not having someone to bounce ideas off can be really demotivating. I have PM'd several people on this thread

just written an essay in the pm to the OP and CBA retyping to everyone . Please do come and join MN Social on facebook if you would like some motivation from other people who work at home.

trackrBird - unfortunately, that wouldn't work for me as I need to use the Internet a lot for my work.

I find that once I have got started on a piece of work am quite good at remaining focussed. My trouble is getting started, especially on days when I might have 4 or 5 things to do that will take 30 mins to a couple of hours each.

Thanks knightofswords I'll take a look at that.

This is me also wrt work. I'm about to hire a cleaner at home to keep me sane.

I have a mentor at work who is v senior and she gave me a few tips -

Write down a daily task sheet each morning - what you want to get done. Put absolutely everything on there and tick off as you go.

Think of tasks in terms of the jar/pebbles analogy, which I'll probably now get wrong - you have an empty jar and rocks pebbles and sand signifying important to unimportant tasks, for everything to fit you have to put the rocks in first, then pebbles then sand fills all the gaps. So do the important things first in the day. Works especially well if that's when your brain is sharpest.

Do some free writing. This really helps me as I write a lot with work and get stuck trying to write perfect first drafts. So sometimes I get a pen and choose a random topic. I'm not allowed to cross anything out or stop to think.

The Pomodoro technique is also worth a look. This is just another way of breaking tasks into timed chunks, which might suit the pattern of your work
www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/the-pomodoro-technique-is-it-right-for-you.html

And yes, freewriting is great. This is something that I use to 'prime the pump' for certain types of work.

De-lurking for this. Hello everyone!

I find my discipline gets very bad when I'm tired. If I've not been sleeping well then it becomes much more effort to make myself go for a run, or not eat that third cookie, or get off Facebook (or Mumsnet!) and do something useful. Make sure you're getting enough sleep at night, not just the minimum.

Also I second to-do lists. When I procrastinate it's normally because I feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and then I can't actually think of anything to do! Having a list helps because you can pick out something and get on with it.

If you've not read it, the book Getting Things Done is really good. Now I just have to do it, not just read it!