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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he putting the breaks on our relationship?

75 replies

motormama · 22/01/2015 15:33

Here goes, my first post!

He's a recently retired entrepreneur in his early 30’s. I’m a full-time worker. He has much, much more money than I do. We don’t share finances. We’ve been together nearly two years, but I’m not sure if we want the same from our relationship.

We don’t live together. We were looking at houses, until he recently, abruptly announced that he’s decided not to pursue this any further for the time being. If I want us to move in together, he says I have to get a new job as I’m not in an area he likes and he gets frustrated at how stressed I get with work.

There’s nothing physically stopping us from moving in together apart from him.

He says it would be unfair if he paid more than me, yet he lives in the lap of luxury doing whatever he wants all day whilst I work long hard hours for low pay. Which I think is unfair!

He seems to yearn for more freedom. Wanting nights out with his mates, now saying that he wants to go on holiday on his own as he doesn’t want to pay for both of us – even though it’s somewhere I would LOVE to go and we’ve been on holiday together a few times before.

He doesn’t want to meet my family and doesn’t invite me to meet his.

I’m open and tell him I want to get married one day, settle down blah.. I have history of PCO’s and Endometriosis so I do feel anxious about my fertility which he’s aware of. But he just seems to be moving so slowly with our relationship I don’t know what’s holding him back.

Am I being impatient or is it 'too little, too late' given how open I’ve been with him about what I want? I don't want him to resent me or have to convince him to do things he doesn't really want to do.

Is he putting on the breaks by not wanting to move in? How do I reconcile our vastly different lifestyles?

Excited to hear your thoughts, opinions and experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
motormama · 22/01/2015 15:37

I meant Brakes... not breaks... oh dear. Blush

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 22/01/2015 15:38

he sounds like he is not that into you to coin a phrase.
he has changed his mind about a lot of things-sounds like he is on his way out of the dooor.

Trooperslane · 22/01/2015 15:39

Doesn't sound great op. Hmm

Sorry. X

thisisnow · 22/01/2015 15:43

Sounds like he is not committed to you or not interested in committing to you.

My OH earns low money too but I'd never think twice of booking a holiday for us.

heyday · 22/01/2015 15:44

I think he does not respect you because you do not earn as much as he does. In all honesty I think he is showing very clearly that he is now slowly, but surely, moving on. Its time for you to bite the bullet and start moving on with your life and find someone who respects and wants you for who you are.

Jan45 · 22/01/2015 15:46

OMG you have to ask, this guy is screaming at you:

I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK

He actually sounds verbally abusive, not to mention a complete tight wad.

What on earth do you see in him? If I was you, I'd have ended in, never mind him.

Cabrinha · 22/01/2015 15:47

I'd bin him.

My BF earns less than me and I'm quite happy to pay for him. It's early days and I'm not even sure I'd say I love him - but I like him, and I'm on the path to love I think. Paying for him - no worries.

Now my XH... We earned about the same. But by the time we divorced I disliked him so much I resented even paying my half share if it was his choice of thing, not mine. Like the SkyTV that he watched not me.

Current bloke - I'd happily pay for Sky.

Tbh, no matter how wealthy he is I don't think he has to pay for your holidays. But if he loves you then most likely he would, and at the very least he'd happily go on holiday to a cheap place that you could afford.

Honestly I'm a bit torn on this because I don't think anyone should expect a wealthier partner to sub them. But I do think, where there is love, the wealthier couldn't care less if they do.

Original poster
motormama · 22/01/2015 15:58

Thanks for your comments everyone!

I’m so torn. We’re so open and honest with each other, he’s my best friend and he tells me I’m his soulmate and that, in a year or so, he does want to settle down but he’s just not quite ready yet.

He’s my first love and I want it to work but not sure if I’m patient enough to wait when, as Heyday said, I might be able to find someone who is ready for the same thing as me. It’s taken me 10 years to find him after being betrayed in my teens. Can I afford to wait another 10 years, or shouldn’t I just be patient with him and trust that when he’s ready, he’ll do what he says he will and step up to fully commit to our r-ship?

I can’t think what would be worse; being alone for another 10 years, or being frustrated with our relationship for the short-term and wait to see if he gets his act together?

OP posts:
DrewOB · 22/01/2015 16:02

it sounds concerning. And from your last post, I wonder if he knows you're unlikely to do anything about his behaviour so taking liberties.
You are risking a lot more by being in a relationship with someone that doesn't care than single looking for someone who will treat you well.

dollius · 22/01/2015 16:03

I think the wanting you to pay 50% of everything despite massive disparity in your respective wealths says it all. He does NOT want to share with you, be that money, his family, a home whatever. He will NOT marry you as he will see that as you taking his money.

Cut your losses and leave him to roll around in his millions on is own. Doesn't sound like he wants company anyway.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 22/01/2015 16:15

He tells you you're his soulmate to keep you hanging on until he's ready to cut you off. Probably when he meets someone else.

Jan45 · 22/01/2015 16:23

He doesn't want to make any plans with you because he doesn't see a future with you, he's making do until better comes along, sorry, but I think it's as plain as day.

kalidasa · 22/01/2015 16:25

I think it's pretty normal to spend most of your 20s working out what you want/need in a relationship and who you are; that doesn't mean that if you break up with this guy because he's not ready for the commitment that you want that it'll take you another ten years to find your next serious partner. Assuming you are around 30 now, you sound as if you know what you're looking for these days and what is important to you. I finally disentangled myself from a long on/off thing with an older commitment phobe when I was 29 or 30, then spent a year single, working hard and thinking about what I wanted. I started seeing DH when I was nearly 31. I'm 34 now and we have a 2 year old DS and are expecting DS2 any day now. We moved very quickly because we were both old enough to know exactly what we wanted and we talked very early on (before we got together, not after) about what we wanted out of life (i.e. to settle down and start a family). I think it is common for relationships to move much more quickly in your 30s for just this reason. DH was also looking to start a family and told me afterwards that at the point at which we met he wouldn't even have dated anyone who was clear that they didn't want children in the next few years.

There are obviously positive things about your DP but it is demoralising to be constantly wanting 'more' from someone who's not offering it. I think you might be surprised how much better you feel about yourself, and quite quickly, if you break up.

newstart15 · 22/01/2015 16:29

Words are cheap...its the actions that count.His actions show he is not committed.

You won't be waiting 10 years for another relationship, often if we have a betrayal then we send out 'not single' vibes.I think this relationship has cured those vibes.

Start breaking away...get yourself a life away from him, holidays with friends etc and I'must sure the right man will come into your life.

At a minimum I think you are not at the same life stages, don't hang around for him

Original poster
motormama · 22/01/2015 16:39

Gosh. Sounds like I've been burying my head in the sand and almost brainwashed by his propaganda.

Serious talks this weekend.

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/01/2015 16:42

he tells me I’m his soulmate and that, in a year or so, he does want to settle down but he’s just not quite ready yet.

And he will keep on telling you that to string you along until he meets someone that he truly loves and respects and wants to be with and have children with. He will probably marry them very quickly. People don't mess around putting it off when it's what they want, they just go ahead and do it.

Can't believe you haven't met each others families after two years. He's quite clearly not going to commit to you OP and the sooner you separate the better. It's like ripping of a plaster. Less painful if you do it quickly and firmly.

Twitterqueen · 22/01/2015 16:43

I can only the sex must be great if you're putting up with such a self-obsessed individual who VERY CLEARLY has absolutely no intention whatsoever of being with you for any length of time.

As Jan45 says, you really have to ask?! This is not a relationship!

MiniTheMinx · 22/01/2015 16:45

Is he "self-made"? I guess he is by the description, they are often the most stingy and mean spirited of people. They have what they have through hard work and have this contradictory attitude where they hold two statements to be true, everyone should work for their bread like me, and no not just anyone is as brilliant as me because I have more bread than them.

Soul mates? really? are you this stingy and mean? of course not and neither do you sound like a gold digger.

My advice to you is to leave him to count his pennies
My advice to him is to count his pennies and then give it to charity so he can be free of the anxiety he feels.

zipzap · 22/01/2015 16:49

Sounds like he wants you to be the one that does the breaking up so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy Sad

Only1scoop · 22/01/2015 16:56

He sounds mean....If he wanted a holiday with you he would help out with the cost....if he wanted to move in with you he wouldn't be acting like this.

Just be honest with him.

Kewcumber · 22/01/2015 17:04

he tells me I’m his soulmate

but he won't pay towards a holiday that you'd love to go on despite having more than enough money?

His choice and I'm the first to believe casual girlfriend/boyfriend should pretty much pay their own way (within reason) but really, it's not the soul'iest of soulmate'y things to do is it Hmm

pictish · 22/01/2015 17:05

Another agreeing that he's not that bothered about you. I think the 'soul mate' line keeps you sweet, but if you really were, he'd have no qualms about paying for you to go on holiday with him would he...if you're his soul mate?

What he says sounds great, but what he actually does shows you what you need to know. He doesn't see a future with you. He thinks you'll do just now. No need to meet the families.

So sorry.

Kewcumber · 22/01/2015 17:06

I’m not in an area he likes and that comment would get a "fuck right off and don't let the door slam you on the back on your way out".

He's a casual boyfriend, he has no right to an opinion about how you earn your living (unless it's illegal/immoral!)

Only1scoop · 22/01/2015 17:07

My first love was tight as tight....

Thing is I didn't have any other relationships to compare it to. So I couldn't see it. Everyone else could though.

FolkGirl · 22/01/2015 21:33

Sorry, op, but I agree with everyone else.

And 'soulmate' is nonsense. It's a meaningless declaration. It's intended to do exactly as it has.

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