Is he putting the breaks on our relationship?

[motormama]

Here goes, my first post!

He's a recently retired entrepreneur in his early 30’s. I’m a full-time worker. He has much, much more money than I do. We don’t share finances. We’ve been together nearly two years, but I’m not sure if we want the same from our relationship.

We don’t live together. We were looking at houses, until he recently, abruptly announced that he’s decided not to pursue this any further for the time being. If I want us to move in together, he says I have to get a new job as I’m not in an area he likes and he gets frustrated at how stressed I get with work.

There’s nothing physically stopping us from moving in together apart from him.

He says it would be unfair if he paid more than me, yet he lives in the lap of luxury doing whatever he wants all day whilst I work long hard hours for low pay. Which I think is unfair!

He seems to yearn for more freedom. Wanting nights out with his mates, now saying that he wants to go on holiday on his own as he doesn’t want to pay for both of us – even though it’s somewhere I would LOVE to go and we’ve been on holiday together a few times before.

He doesn’t want to meet my family and doesn’t invite me to meet his.

I’m open and tell him I want to get married one day, settle down blah.. I have history of PCO’s and Endometriosis so I do feel anxious about my fertility which he’s aware of. But he just seems to be moving so slowly with our relationship I don’t know what’s holding him back.

Am I being impatient or is it 'too little, too late' given how open I’ve been with him about what I want? I don't want him to resent me or have to convince him to do things he doesn't really want to do.

Is he putting on the breaks by not wanting to move in? How do I reconcile our vastly different lifestyles?

Excited to hear your thoughts, opinions and experiences.

Two years and you haven't met each others families? That is not what you do with a soulmate.

You drag the soulmate round every family member, including Great Aunt Beatrice who hasn't understood a word anyone has said to her in 10 years because you want to show off your super duper partner to everyone else.

He's not your soulmate.

You are in the right mindset to meet the right person. I'd be very very surprised if you stayed single for 10 years. Move on.

He sounds really mean - about the money/paying for holiday & keeping you hanging 're his intentions towards you- just horrible!

Personally I also find it very odd someone retiring in their 30s & can't imagine they can have made so much money in a good way at that age .... I'm in my 50s & wouldn't want to be with someone retired because their lifestyle would be irreconcilably different to working life....

An overwhelmingly unanimous response. Thank you all so much for your insights, and for listening in the first place!

On reflection, I think the negative response may be because I misrepresented the facts in the emotional whirlwind of my first post (and trying to keep it brief by only outlining the bad things...).

Elaborations:

1. He hasn't said flat out that he doesnt want to live with me. He's said he definitely does, but just needs things to be in the right place before hand so it doest go wrong.

2. He has met both my parents, once, but I had to realllly drag him into it but he now say he doesnt want to go to any more family dinners etc.. I have also met his mum, once, but never his father, who is terminally ill. He had a much less harmonious family life than i did growing up so I think he is full of fears.

3. I know it's just words, but at NYE he did say that i wouldnt have to wait until next year for him to propose... but he does say that he wants me be patient and wait for the timing to be right.

4. He said he would chose being with me over going on holiday, no hesitation.

He'll say that it's my choice;

I can wait another year or so for him, or see if the grass is greener elsewhere... but will it really be?

I'm thinking of calling it off big time, but also think I'd like to give him a last opportunity to show some kind of commitment?

AIBU to give him one last chance to prove he gives a shit?

Nothing you have said in that last post changes my mind.

I had a partner exactly like this. Wasted two years on my mid 30's being besotted by him with the similar run-around.

"I'm so very nearly ready to commit to you"

We split up several times and he always begged and pleaded because he "couldn't live without me", would promise a house and a family when he was pissed and mysteriously forget it when he was sober.

He was waiting for me to become more perfect. And couldn't quite bring himself to commit in case someone more perfect came along. He was keeping his options open.

I put up with it and put up with it and put up with it and my self esteem gradually dropped lower and lower and lower. And then one day a light bulb went off in my head and I knew it was the end because even though I loved him, that wasn't how I wanted my life to be. I didn't want to have to be just a little bit more anything to earn his commitment. I wanted him to think I was fantastic "just as I was" (apologies to Bridget Jones for the misquote).

AIBU to give him one last chance to prove he gives a shit?

If you have to do that, you know the answer already.

He doesn't respect you one bit. I don't know what love might mean to him, but it certainly doesn't include thinking that you're worth the world because you're you. It sounds as if he might start getting round to thinking you might be the one that will do as long as he can get over the annoyance of you not being worth £££.

He sounds not only money obsessed, but also nastily insecure. I would bin.

'Choose being with me over going on holiday'

Why can't you both holiday together.

Your relationship doesn't sound on an even keel. Don't hang onto words only the actions.

I agree with what every poster has said- with one caveat. How old are you? If we've all missed out the fact you're 22 he has a point about waiting.
He's still a tightwad though!

AIBU to give him one last chance to prove he gives a shit?

How would he prove it? (tip: words don't count, only actions that put him out in a non-trivial way).

Two years is a bit of a milestone I think. Its a make or break time. He sounds like he is backing off, sorry. What do you want to do? Turn this around by backing off yourself and get on with your own life and see if he tries harder or finish with him or talk to him (but I think his actions speak quite loud here).

1) He hasn't said flat out that he doesnt want to live with me. He's said he definitely does, but just needs things to be in the right place before hand so it doest go wrong.

What 'things'? When will 'things' be right? What could go wrong that would be prevented by waiting now? He says he definitely does, but he shows you he definitely doesn't.

2) He has met both my parents, once, but I had to realllly drag him into it but he now say he doesnt want to go to any more family dinners etc.. I have also met his mum, once, but never his father, who is terminally ill. He had a much less harmonious family life than i did growing up so I think he is full of fears.

How do you know he wasn't the one making things 'unharmonious'? He's pretty keen to keep you away from his family. Plus he's not willing to make the slightest bit of effort with yours. He's told you as much. That's nice of him isn't it?

3) I know it's just words, but at NYE he did say that i wouldnt have to wait until next year for him to propose... but he does say that he wants me be patient and wait for the timing to be right.

As with 1)
If he wanted to marry you he would.

4) He said he would chose being with me over going on holiday, no hesitation.

How sweet. How about you both go on holiday somewhere you can afford, or I dunno...he pays for you to come on his? After all he's going to marry you, right? No problem!

Look I'm sorry but no...this guy is stringing you along big time. You know he is, otherwise you wouldn't be here telling us all about it. Even when you defend him you give him away. He's toying with you OP. You don't want to hear it, but you know it's true.
You relationship is not equal and he is taking advantage.

I really am sorry.

He doesn't sound very loving or caring. Is that the kind of man you'd want to have children with? Can you imagine him being kind and patient with a demanding newborn or toddler and working as a team with you through thick and thin? Didn't think so.

Just bin. Seriously. He sounds bloody awful.

You would be a fool to waste any more of your fertile years on this headfucker

We were looking at houses, until he recently, abruptly announced that he’s decided not to pursue this any further for the time being.

And this strikes you as reasonable for someone who is meant to be your partner and (alleged) soulmate? Unilaterally deciding the relationship will not move forward.

he did say that i wouldnt have to wait until next year for him to propose... but he does say that he wants me be patient and wait for the timing to be right.

Unilaterally deciding the relationship will not move forward.

just needs things to be in the right place before hand so it doest go wrong.

Unilaterally deciding the relationship will not move forward.

he now say he doesnt want to go to any more family dinners etc..

Unilaterally deciding the relationship will not move forward.

now saying that he wants to go on holiday on his own as he doesn’t want to pay for both of us

So being rude, tightfisted and inconsiderate. And unilaterally deciding you will not go on holiday together.

Spot a pattern yet?

After two years he's met your parents once? Come on - wake up and smell the supermarket own brand coffee that you have to pay him 10p to use a scoop of.

So he does. It's all conditions, and got to be his way, and can't be arsed with your family, and tight fisted as fuck...
Brrrrr....

Far too shabby for you OP.

That, my love, is me giving you a damn good shake.

This man has told you what an utter selfish stupid arse he is.  More fool you if you don't listen.  Nothing in your subsequent posts changes that.

Mr Lovely might be just around the corner.

Please have some self respect, this man is stringing you along and it's clear everyone here agrees. Why are you settling? He can see the desperation you have and using that to keep you around. You need to wake up in a big way, there should've even be a 'last chance'.

Agree with all the above, OP.
Don't be his 'option' until someone he considers to be better than you comes along.

You might like to have a browse on the Baggage Reclaim site, as he sounds emotionally unavailable. There are several articles, such as this one, on 'future fakers'.

I wouldn't "give him a chance". If you really want him to step up (which I'm not sure is a good idea) you need some reverse psychology.

I know you won't do this but if you could ...

I'd just say to him that the fact he's called off living together speaks volumes to you, it's not what you want for yourself and your future after a 2 year relationship, you wish him the best but you don't think that this is working for you. And high tail it out the door. Cut all contact and ignore his lame "let's get back together".

To be honest after 2 years, I'd be more focussed on wanting to get married first than living together (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free as the lovely and sexist saying goes) but that's a personal matter.

If he cares, he'll come running and offer you the world and mean it. If he doesn't you have the satisfaction of leaving with a prize ego fully intact and him wondering for the rest of his life in drunk moments if you were "the one who got away".

Stinginess is such an unattractive trait. It's bad enough in someone who doesn't have much, but just vile in someone who is loaded.
He thinks his relative wealth means he's superior to you and enables him to call the shots. I hope you give him the wake up call he needs.

A grade tosspot.

Hmm. I was thinking, like SL, that you might get your proposal by dumping him. But I don't agree he will mean it, at least not the way you would wish. An awful lot of prevaricating men propose because they can't stand "losing" - which means, if you marry one, you have accepted a marriage based on a power struggle.

Nothing you've shared about this man says he feels you are equal in value to him. You deserve someone who does feel that.

Yep A tosser. And todays tighwad is tomorrows financial abuser!