Wedding & Narc mil

[Sugarfreeriot]

For several reasons both me and dp (soon to be dh) have decided that what we REALLY want is to do a quick registry office ceremony followed by an evening reception.
We don't want anyone at our ceremony, we want a night away together a quick intimate ceremony and a big celebration involving everyone in the evening.
Mil has displayed narcissistic behaviour from the word go in out relationship and both her and her enabling husband have caused much stress and upset in or family.
They themselves didn't have their parents at their wedding, just friends . Yet we are genuinely concerned that not inviting them (or anyone else) to our ceremony will give us the wedding we want but a life of hell from then on.
We are very tempted to just have them there for those 2 hours of the ceremony and small celebratory lunch to avoid the stress of mil getting very "upset" and crying at dh, guilting him and telling everyone what awful people we are, but then it's not really our day is it?
Do I suck it up? Get on with those few hours and avoid a lifetime of guilt tripping and nastiness or do we take a stand?
Dp will do this , although he finds standing up to his narc mother he said he will as it's our day.
Start as you mean to go on etc but I'm concerned for our future.
There's a lot of history of he parents making our lives hell and the appear to have calmed down somewhat recently...I fear however this is because there is a wedding this year they are already trying to control in very minor yet highly irritating and manipulative ways :/
Should I even marry into this family? We already have a dd together so I'm stuck with them regardless.

As DH is capable of standing up to her I am not really sure why you are finding this so difficult?

Surely if they are as bad as you say ( and I do not doubt you ) then them going ballistic at you and never speaking to you again would be a huge bonus and a great way to start your married life?

I am not being sarcastic here, I am not sure why you would want to save a relationship with a narcissist?

have you asked her outright about her own wedding? why didn't she have family there?? they can only cause you a lifetime of hell if you allow them to

He is capable of standing up to her however he would rather put up with their shit his entire life than cut them off.
They go through phases of acting like lovely well balanced people to pulling us back into their controlling, manipulative ways and dp ends up back at the same place he started. He's forever giving them chances.

drop she told us she didn't invite her own mother as she was a shit mum and her in laws because they tried to control their wedding plans.
She's told us she expects an invite as they are better parents than their own were.

This will not stop you having a life of endless guilt trips. Do you think if you give in now, then she will morph into a lovely mil?

No, she will find something else to try and control you over. And if you give in a little bit here, a little bit there etc you will find it even harder to say no next time.

If your dh didn't see how bad she was then I would suggest not marrying him. But as he does (yay) I think you need to work out a script of what you will say and both stick to it.

'I am sorry you feel this way, this is Not about you, this is want we want and we will not be discussing it anymore.'

Then leave, hang up what ever. Who cares if she complains. The people who matter will understand. Enjoy your special day how ever you want it.

Then no, do not do what they say for an "easy life" In fact I would do the opposite and elope.

You really do need to set boundaries here.

Also suggest that you two look at resources that look at how to set boundaries. The stately homes thread has some great ones at the beginning.

He doesn't halve I cut them off if he is not ready, but creating firm boundaries will really help the inevitable hurt.

It's your wedding, do it how you and dp want. If you're bith on the same page with who/how/where to do it then you won't regret it. We had a small wedding and only invited a few people, didn't think about family politics just about who we wanted to share our day. I'm sure some people were very offended but that's for them to worry about!!! Never regretted it for a minute.

she's a narc....you're going to get a lifetime of shit from her no matter what you do if you allow her space in your life

so just do what you&dp want and ignore her antics.

in fact....NOW would be a good time to start laying down boundaries with her...and if she chooses to 'cut you out' - let her!

"He is capable of standing up to her however he would rather put up with their shit his entire life than cut them off".

By putting up at all with their dysfunctional behaviours you also get dragged into it as well. Has he ever talked about why he cannot cut his parents off?. I presume they act "normal" long enough for him to get dragged back in, they then revert to type and the sorry cycle continues. He needs to disengage from them.

Its your day and you both should have the day you want. She can expect an invite all she wants but she should not receive one. Your day will become all about her otherwise; she will want to be the centre of attention and her H will allow that to happen as well.

BTW women like his mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and she has certainly found that in her own H.

If you do go onto have children I would keep them well away from his parents. Narcissistic people make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures as well.

atilla
Very true.

I no longer see my eldest grown up son partly due to my narc father relentlessly putting me and my dh down in front of my son when he was a teen.

Lots of other issues but the crux was he interfered and did a lot of damage.
My father hasn't changed. My mother has enabled his drinking and huge ego for my whole life.
I have been no contact for 9 years now.
They try to make contact and cause do much upset every time.

Have your day op.
Don't justify yourself to anyone.

Yes attila that's exactly what they do.
They have never physically hurt dh, but the emotional pressure they put on him (he's an only child) and the way they act as of their happiness is down to him and the way he lives is exhausting.
They are currently doing the lovely people act and I myself have thought maybe they'd changed for a moment but I get subtle hints where I realise they haven't at all.
He is having trouble finding out why he can't say "no" to his parents but he's slowly starting to acknowledge their behaviour and I tend to point out why they do it etc.
We have a child already! It does complicate things- they seem to treat her as if she's royalty, I do have concerns for her when she doesn't grow up into exactly what THEY want though.

sugarfree

They treated my eldest like royalty.
Lovely for the child when young.
Soon as they become a teen the child could do no wrong.
My child was always the victim if we disagreed.
I now realise they were too involved.
Boy do I regret that.

sugartop summed it up perfectly.

can you get your husband to read toxic Parents and maybe toxic Inlaws? (the inlaws book so he gets a sense of what you are putting up with).

Do this YOUR way. You and your husband-to-be only get one shot at this day.

(if it's any help after much thought I didn't invite my own parents to our wedding day. It meant that I had a lovely, relaxed, delightful day that i could enjoy. No regrets at all, beign able to look back on a day that was toruble - free and happy is lovely).

By the way, be careful around them with your child. To borrow from atilla, too toxic for you is even more toxic for a defenseless child.

Meerka, I've heard lots about that book but it's currently unavailable on amazon!
And how much is it? Did I see it cost £40 brand new?!?!

Meerka, yes I didn't let them take dd until very recently. They tend to take her swimming and that's about it. But they'd have her every weekend all weekend given the chance.
It's a tough one because they desperately wanted her by themselves but I do worry that they will "parent" my child in the way they did dp, I'm hoping that swimming once a week/every other will keep them at bay but won't be long enough to influence dd...probably very naive of me.

Just checked, it's £9 on amazon! God knows where i got £40 from

Have it the way you want.

But not sure why you say two hours? Our quick registry office was just that. Quick.

You aren't going to save yourself from a hellish relationship by having them there at the ceremony. That's going to happen anyway, whatever you do.

Plan your day to maximise the enjoyment and good memories for you and your stbdh. You (hopefully) only get to do this once so now is not the time to choose something neither of you will like for someone else's sake.

Exit there is a post wedding lunch at the place we are getting married. I don't want to out myself but it's not quiet a registry office.
That's why it's 2 hours.

In that case don't invite them. They will give you indigestion!

Registry offices often do 2hr slots if you are doing a secular version of a church wedding with readings etc - the 2 hr slot is your entire allocation for setting up beforehand and clearing up after as well as the main activity. If you're having no guests, flowers etc and just want to walk in, say the words and leave with a certificate it takes about 15 minutes.

X-post...

is there any way you could give them an important job that would keep them happy?

One swimming lesson a week shouldn't be too harmful but it would be unwise to give them longer than that, sugar. If they can't act decently with you, they are unlikely to act decently with them. Their underlying attitude would come out sooner or later; their attitudes towards other people. Bad things for a small one to pick up.

Do hope you have a lovely wedding day though!