Wedding & Narc mil

[Sugarfreeriot]

For several reasons both me and dp (soon to be dh) have decided that what we REALLY want is to do a quick registry office ceremony followed by an evening reception.
We don't want anyone at our ceremony, we want a night away together a quick intimate ceremony and a big celebration involving everyone in the evening.
Mil has displayed narcissistic behaviour from the word go in out relationship and both her and her enabling husband have caused much stress and upset in or family.
They themselves didn't have their parents at their wedding, just friends . Yet we are genuinely concerned that not inviting them (or anyone else) to our ceremony will give us the wedding we want but a life of hell from then on.
We are very tempted to just have them there for those 2 hours of the ceremony and small celebratory lunch to avoid the stress of mil getting very "upset" and crying at dh, guilting him and telling everyone what awful people we are, but then it's not really our day is it?
Do I suck it up? Get on with those few hours and avoid a lifetime of guilt tripping and nastiness or do we take a stand?
Dp will do this , although he finds standing up to his narc mother he said he will as it's our day.
Start as you mean to go on etc but I'm concerned for our future.
There's a lot of history of he parents making our lives hell and the appear to have calmed down somewhat recently...I fear however this is because there is a wedding this year they are already trying to control in very minor yet highly irritating and manipulative ways :/
Should I even marry into this family? We already have a dd together so I'm stuck with them regardless.

well as your inlaws only had friends then i don,t think they can complain .but i personally would be devasted not to be at my son,s wedding .a celebration at night is not the same

Calamitous There is no deep psychological reason for my calling their wives their Social Secretaries. It is pure laziness on their part. My sons probably can't find the calendar. They were all at MY home at Christmas with wives, SIls, Grandchildren etc and stayed and stayed. Lovely, but hard work! I think actions speak louder than words. They didn't have to come. My DILs like me and I like them. I just don't love them like my own children. I think that is pretty normal.

I do think that the tension between DIL and MIL could be caused by a power struggle. I thought it was well documented. I haven't had a struggle with my DILs as I have got more sense. I just want my DCs to be happy.

meerka your sentence in your second paragraph about MILs could also as easily apply to DILs. DIls from a Toxic background maybe don't make easy going DILs either.

ihatethecold did you read my first reply where I said my MIL said I wasn't a suitable bride for her son. I married without any Parents being present. I certainly know about Toxic in laws and Family members. In fact I count my self lucky to have survived to adulthood.

Personally I don't care about weddings, it is what happens afterwards that concerns me.

I married with two witnesses and I wouldn't behave like the MIL in the post. My lot could have married nude on top of Mount Everest, if that is what they wanted, as I felt it was their day.

I consider that you have one life and you need to make the most of it, as you see fit, not as someone else sees fit.

However having a MIL is not the same as being one. Most of the posts on MNet are DILs, and they have not got to the stage of being a MIL yet. Isn't it possible that there are two sides to every story ?
I think most of us would agree that it is difficult to explain to someone childless, what it is going to be like to have, and bring up a child.
I think it is difficult to understand what problems being a MIL brings.

The OP in this case should be left to decide about her own wedding but I was suggesting hypothetically how tension could have arisen between her and her MIL.
As soon as a MiL problem is mentioned on MN. the claws come out and the MIL and the advisor, usually gets it in the neck.

I don't think the word 'worship' is unhealthy either. I love/ worship my DG. Every day I see them I wonder at their beauty and uniqueness. How could anyone interpret that as being unhealthy ? I also worship Hans Holbein.

Why doesn't everyone stick to giving advice to the post? Some replies, give no advice themselves but just flame other replies without offering any useful advice themselves.

I hesitated about defending my opinions as I thought I would now be subjected to ' the lady protesteth ' too much', and the accusation of being defensive. Mmmmm but then thought, Oh, what the hell we are all anonymous.

To suggest that I revealed anything in my replies that I don't know about myself already is pretty patronising. Everyone reveals something about them selves by replying to anything on MNET. It could be looked upon as one of the dangers of replying. How could it be otherwise?

cog and Meerka and Attila reply regularly. You can't help but learn something about them by their replies.

holeinmyheart
You make several good points, I should imagine there is some sort of power struggle between me and my mil. She is desperately holding on to her only son and wanting that claps family bond she desires whilst I am trying to set up my own family unit with the exact same person she's clinging on to. It's like a tug of war.
I think it's tough trying to find the right balance between having your own family unit and including your in laws within that.
My mil probably picks up on things I say and thinks "what a cow" but never says it, I know I do with her.
I think that is half the issue, she is not my family and I am not really hers we are just thrown together and expected to get along and to be fair all massive ridiculous hissy fits aside I can get on with her okay but unlike when my own family make a "off comment" and I say "hey what do you mean by that/ I don't think that's fair" I don't feel at ease to say it. So I take it home with me, stew over it and get upset/angry.
It's a difficult relationship but I must say my in laws are the most difficult people to understand and keep happy I have ever met.
I don't want a big wedding, I just want to get married the way I and my dp want and feel comfortable with with out feeling like we should do things differently for people who let's face it, have sweet FA to do with me and my partner getting married.
I hope when my dd is older and engaged that she doesn't spend a whole year agonising over what to do for her wedding purely to keep others happy, I hope she does exactly what SHE and her dp want and if I'm honest I hope she runs away and has a lovely wedding without anyone else there inc me to consider- it's her day.

hmm holeintheheart? Of it can apply to toxic DILs too.

I simply think that a wedding is primarily about the two people involved and they should follow their wishes. It's very easy to get pushed and bullied into stuff you don't want to be, especially (but not exclusively) as a woman.

It is a power struggle yes but one your MIL is determined to win at all costs. She has no regard for you at all. You are seen really as collateral damage; her only desire is to be the centre of her own universe and for her son to still orbit around it. She treats her own son with contempt and criticism and yet he still cannot bring himself to cut himself off from his mother. He is also a problem here because I am wondering whether he will ever be able to assert his own self as a person, perhaps not because she has trained him to serve her and meet her own needs. He is perhaps always thinking that he is not good enough.

Your MIL is a difficult woman who has acted similarly towards others her whole life (a concept totally alien to some as well so it is denied). You cannot apply "normal" rules of familial interaction to people who cannot and moreover actively refuse to play outside the rules.

Getting back to your wedding, you both should have the day that you want; its not her day but she is peed off anyway because she will not be the centre of attention at it. The fact that it is your wedding day is to her irrelevant.

Many people who come from thankfully emotionally healthy and "normal" families really do not get this at all. Its hard for people to understand let alone accept that this does happen within some families and I accept that.

holeinmyheart

"It is also my belief that a wife holds all the cards as you have sex with your DH. I think most men would choose having sex with his wife at the expense of his relationship with his Mother."

You do realise that most men also LOVE their wives, don't you? That it's not just a matter of getting their "urges" satisfied?

Oh, and OP, your husband shouldn't see a counsellor. He should see a therapist. He's got some digging around in his history to do.