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Relationships

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Original poster

Unbiased opinions. Am I selfish?

78 replies

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 11:28

Hi all,
I would like to get some outside opinions following a disagreement with my boyfriend which has upset me and left me questioning myself.
Basically my boyfriend is in the process of moving house.
I spent last Weekend helping with things such as flat pack furniture, sanding, varnishing and trips to the shops with him for various house hold items. On Monday I bought him some boxes over to his from my work ready for his move on the Tuesday. That Monday night we said goodbye and he told me he would see me Friday as he had the move on Tuesday (he mentioned he would want to spend the first night with his flat mate), rugby practice weds, and interview prep Thursday. I told him that was fine and left him to it.
Tuesday rolls around (the main move day) and I message him at about 8ish after work asking how it's going. He tells me it's going bad, so I offer to go round an help. He declines saying it's too late but says I can bring him a dinner round if I want to help as he has no food in the place. So I make the effort to drive over with their food and tell him not to worry about paying me back. The next day he again texts me saying there's still so much to do and he doesn't have time to go to get light bulbs. I offer to get them for him after work but he declines saying don't worry. Then he messages me at 9:30pm saying the flat is still a tip. Again I offer to go over to help and he says "it's too late now, you could have offered yesterday or earlier today" I apologised and said I'm sorry you told me you couldn't see me until Friday so I left you to it and mentioned all the other things I have done to help out. He said he was pretty disappointed that in the last couple of days I didn't offer to help until he messaged saying he was struggling. I told him he was completely mistaken and would always be here if he needed me, but he said I don't know that and mentioned that it showed a selfish side of my personality. I tired to call him to sort things out but he wouldn't answer despite me telling him I was feeling upset and wanted to talk to him. He said he expects that his own girlfriend would message asking if there's anything I can do to help without him having to hint. Though he told me he would be busy that week anyway.
I don't know, I don't deem myself as a selfish person but what do you guys think? Is he right? Should I be more considerate to him?
In starting to question if I am selfish or if he is being slightly ridiculous??

Thanks for your input.

OP posts:

loudarts · 21/01/2015 11:33

So you were at work all day, then offered to help with HIS house which he didn't finish because he had rugby practice but that wasn't good enough because you didn't offer earlier You are not selfish,

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 11:34

You offered help & it was declined. You've since come up with food, offered lightbulbs and various other things. I think you've done more than enough, frankly. He's an able bodied adult male, there are two of them living there.... it's not that difficult to set up a flat.

He's being more than ridiculous. He's taking the piss. Suggest that if he's busy you get on with doing other things and leave him to it until he apologises. And then consider if you really want to be in a relationship with an ungrateful user....

BlackeyedSusan · 21/01/2015 11:35

nope, not selfish, and I would be cautious about moving the relationship along too fast. he could be grumpy because moving is stresssful or he could have too high expectations.

Original poster

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 11:36

Well he didn't end up going to rugby practice in the end as he had so much to do. He's just upset that I only offered after he text me saying that things were going badly and not earlier on in the day saying good luck with the move are you sure you don't need a hand type thing. It's almost like a test

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 11:40

It's worse than a test, it's setting someone up to fail. If you'd called earlier on in the day you'd have been turned down. So you call later in the day and get told it's too late. I don't know how long he's been your boyfriend but when you find yourself in situations where, whatever you do, you're in the wrong then you have to ask yourself what you're getting out of the arrangement.

rookiemere · 21/01/2015 11:43

From what you describe, there is only one selfish person here and it's not you.

You aren't moving in together it looks like, and you aren't his indentured slave, so I think you did more than enough for him.

To be fair moving is stressful, but that's not your problem and you supported him quite a lot. I would expect an apology from him for being grumpy and if he continues with his ridiculous expectations about how a girlfriend should behave then I'd ask to see the manual so you'll know for future what you're meant to do. Or you could just go out with someone elss demanding instead.

Original poster

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 11:46

Yes I do try to be understanding but it is difficult and I do feel under appreciated now. They are two 32 year old men. Surely relocating to a new flat less than a mile down the road can't be THAT bad! the thing is it's been a week and he's still off with me!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 11:46

'He said he expects that his own girlfriend would message asking if there's anything I can do to help without him having to hint. Though he told me he would be busy that week anyway.
I don't know, I don't deem myself as a selfish person but what do you guys think? Is he right? Should I be more considerate to him?
In starting to question if I am selfish or if he is being slightly ridiculous??grin'

Hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend is a passive aggressive gaslightling git here.

He's an adult. He told you he'd see you Friday and he was busy with work, sport and practice.

But here's his real message to you: I still expect you to make me first priority, even when I tell you otherwise. I'm keeping you on your toes, and then use character jibes until you learn your place.

He's more than just slightly ridiculous.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 11:48

"That Monday night we said goodbye and he told me he would see me Friday as he had the move on Tuesday (he mentioned he would want to spend the first night with his flat mate), rugby practice weds, and interview prep Thursday."

Maybe I'm just an old cynic but I'm getting a distinct whiff of 'I'm washing my hair' here. Add it to the irrational complaints and accusations of selfishness and I wonder if he's setting the scene for moving on?

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 11:48

'Yes I do try to be understanding but it is difficult and I do feel under appreciated now. They are two 32 year old men. Surely relocating to a new flat less than a mile down the road can't be THAT bad! hmm the thing is it's been a week and he's still off with me!'

Listen to yourself here. Because every.single.word.you.right . . . is true.

He's PA, gaslighting, sulking.

At 32?

I don't let me 6-year-old son away with that.

Fudgeface123 · 21/01/2015 11:51

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he's trying to instigate a fight to piss you off so you dump him...probably because he's too cowardly to do it himself

Original poster

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 11:57

Well he ended up calling his 60 year old mother and she came and helped them with the checkout clean of his old place on the Thursday. Yeah she offered earlier on in the week but still. She lives 2 hours drive away! Really necessary?
Thanks everyone! My suspicions were that I wasn't be out of order but I was beginning to think wait a minute...maybe I'm too selfish to see that I'm selfish! Haha turns out he's just being a jerk then!

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/01/2015 11:57

He couldn't get light bulbs? Really no 24hr Tesco any where, no take aways to phone up.!

Bloody man child with an attitude, they really don't get better with time op sorry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 11:58

"Haha turns out he's just being a jerk then!"

A jerk that's gearing up to give you the .... 'it's not working for me' speech. He's already telling you you're selfish and a poor girlfriend....

BuzzardBird · 21/01/2015 11:59

Be busy Friday. Trust me, you are on a hiding to nothing here. He will never let you be good enough. Did his Mommy go around there and help him?

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2015 11:59

He's horrible! For one thing this is a clear case of gaslighting. For another he's a lazy pathetic mess of a lump for not being able to move house with another person in that time!

Original poster

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 12:01

Yes. Haha

OP posts:

rookiemere · 21/01/2015 12:02

Aw poor diddums having to get his 60 year old mother to help with his move.

I'm going to be a bit more direct in my advice with this new piece of advice - dump him, this is not the man you want to be the father of your children.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 12:07

'A jerk that's gearing up to give you the .... 'it's not working for me' speech. He's already telling you you're selfish and a poor girlfriend....'

The only thing more ideal would her wising up to dump a 32-year-old man child who calls Mummy to drive 2 hours to clean her adult son's flat. For real?
That's about as attractive as a maggot sandwich.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 12:11

Yeah, can't get lightbulbs, doesn't know how to order a takeaway, clean his own fucking flat or move a mile away without two women dancing round him.

Call a waaaambulance!

Better yet, 'This week has shown me that this relationship isn't what is best for me. I need someone more mature. So, that's us finished. Best of luck to you.'

bobs123 · 21/01/2015 12:20

Yes, moving is stressful and yes, he's a bloke with all that entails. I should now not contact him and leave him to do the running. You've done your best

PedantMarina · 21/01/2015 12:25

I think I've just fallen in love with expatinscotland. The advice in general, and definitely "waaambulance!"

Reminds me of an older one - he needs a session with a "clue-by-four".

Jan45 · 21/01/2015 12:25

He sounds horrible, you have tried your best, he's taking his moods out on you, making you suffer for HIS inadequacies, I'd be very wary of what happens next time he's in a bad mood.

Stick up for yourself and tell him to shove, it, talk about ungrateful.

kaykayred · 21/01/2015 12:26

I believe this calls for a message along the lines of:

"Oh grow up. I've put myself out to help you on multiple occasions, and respected you enough to leave you in peace when you asked me to. I'm not your mother or your maid. Don't take out your frustrations on me, I won't put up with that shit".

StoneFoxMama · 21/01/2015 12:30

What does he do for you??
You've done an awful lot for him.

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