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Original poster

Unbiased opinions. Am I selfish?

78 replies

VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 11:28

Hi all,
I would like to get some outside opinions following a disagreement with my boyfriend which has upset me and left me questioning myself.
Basically my boyfriend is in the process of moving house.
I spent last Weekend helping with things such as flat pack furniture, sanding, varnishing and trips to the shops with him for various house hold items. On Monday I bought him some boxes over to his from my work ready for his move on the Tuesday. That Monday night we said goodbye and he told me he would see me Friday as he had the move on Tuesday (he mentioned he would want to spend the first night with his flat mate), rugby practice weds, and interview prep Thursday. I told him that was fine and left him to it.
Tuesday rolls around (the main move day) and I message him at about 8ish after work asking how it's going. He tells me it's going bad, so I offer to go round an help. He declines saying it's too late but says I can bring him a dinner round if I want to help as he has no food in the place. So I make the effort to drive over with their food and tell him not to worry about paying me back. The next day he again texts me saying there's still so much to do and he doesn't have time to go to get light bulbs. I offer to get them for him after work but he declines saying don't worry. Then he messages me at 9:30pm saying the flat is still a tip. Again I offer to go over to help and he says "it's too late now, you could have offered yesterday or earlier today" I apologised and said I'm sorry you told me you couldn't see me until Friday so I left you to it and mentioned all the other things I have done to help out. He said he was pretty disappointed that in the last couple of days I didn't offer to help until he messaged saying he was struggling. I told him he was completely mistaken and would always be here if he needed me, but he said I don't know that and mentioned that it showed a selfish side of my personality. I tired to call him to sort things out but he wouldn't answer despite me telling him I was feeling upset and wanted to talk to him. He said he expects that his own girlfriend would message asking if there's anything I can do to help without him having to hint. Though he told me he would be busy that week anyway.
I don't know, I don't deem myself as a selfish person but what do you guys think? Is he right? Should I be more considerate to him?
In starting to question if I am selfish or if he is being slightly ridiculous??Grin

Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
Chillyegg · 21/01/2015 12:30

WHAT ON EARTH!

He sounds like hard work!

LTB and enjoy your self you don't need to be running around after a 32 year old man child!

GloopySoupy · 21/01/2015 13:33

He needed you to bring him food because he was busy (neither he nor flatmate could call for a pizza eh?)

You needed to come round and help him out setting up his new place.

You didn't do enough to help him, an able-bodied single childless man of 32, to move a mile down the road.

He got his mum to drive 2 hours to clean his old place for him.

He's in a sulk because he had to miss rugger because he was doing housework and you didn't step in to offer to do it all. You even acted like you were doing him a favour. Do you not realise he is useless at house stuff womens' work.

No wonder he is upset with you, when are you going to start doing his laundry and cooking his tea woman! I mean that flat isn't going to start cleaning itself now is it and his mum can't come every week.

I think cog is right, he's going to have to chuck you because you are not being the sexy doormat skivvy he needs.

dirtybadger · 21/01/2015 13:46

Wow. He must be one of the most incapable 32 year olds knocking about. He sounds immature, demanding and passive aggressive. You're not a mind reader!

Nolim · 21/01/2015 13:51

Unless you read minds yanbu.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 13:54

Exactly! I did point out that if he wanted help why didn't he just ask. He tells me he won't be able to see me until Friday, so that's what I assume the plan is unless otherwise mentioned! Grrrr. Some of these responses have given me a good chuckle though haha.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 13:56

It's really not funny how he acts, VIX. It's twattish and immature. He's a dick.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 13:57

How long have you been seeing each other?

firesidechat · 21/01/2015 14:11

It's only funny if you're going to dump him. Anger or indifference and then dumping would be a better response.

It's not clear from your posts whether he is dumped or not.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 14:16

No at the moment we are still together, I just wanted some external opinions to aid my thoughts and help decide what I want to do. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow....

OP posts:
PasstheDaimbars · 21/01/2015 14:22

What they all said. . . . .

And in particular:Call a waaaambulance!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/01/2015 14:25

Why do you keep going haha? It's not very funny.

expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 14:30

This is about as funny as Ebola . . . not at all.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 21/01/2015 14:30

I know. I guess more laughing in disbelief really

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/01/2015 14:31

It's pathetic to be 32-years-old and still acting like this.

Ohfourfoxache · 21/01/2015 14:36

Erm, Vix - why the actual fuck are you with this man child?

Seriously, he sounds like a prick.

I know you're trying to make light of the situation, but honest to god love, it ain't funny. It seems like you don't want to take it too seriously because you don't want to admit to yourself what an idiot this guy is. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, this is just how it comes across to an outsider.

Do you really want to waste time with someone who is going to be "off" with you for a week just because he wanted you to offer more help earlier - DESPITE going above and beyond to help him out before he threw a tantrum?

fairylightsbackintheloft · 21/01/2015 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/01/2015 15:27

I'm with those that think he's setting you up to be dumped. He's trying awfully hard to lay the groundwork to be able to point back and say 'you're a terrible girlfriend'.

Though I'm still 50/50 with that theory and the idea that he just thinks you should be at his beck and call and not have your own life outside meeting his needs (aka being his mother).

GloopySoupy · 21/01/2015 16:40

Friday night date: will you leave him to make arrangements or will you chase?

Do you expect him to apologise to you for his outrageous behaviour? How soon will you bring up his failure to apologise if he doesn't immediately?

Do you think he hopes you will apologise to him for not being a good maidservant?

When you last talked did you plead with him to not be cross with you? You said you listed all the things you did for him when he was cross, i.e. you justified yourself instead of exclaiming "fuck off you cheeky bastard?!".

Maybe he hopes the silent treatment punishment will have you softened up nicely so you'll apologise for being a bad servant and promise to pander to his every possible wish in future. And maybe clean his kitchen as penance?

GloopySoupy · 21/01/2015 16:41

I don't think he is setting you up to be dumped. I think he is training you to be his 24/7 maidservant.

Sundayplease · 21/01/2015 16:55

I think he would have had you scrubbing his old place like his poor mother ended up doing if you had offered on the day of the move.

Yes moving is stressful, we've all been there. But I don't remember getting in a huff over people who didn't help enough. It's his responsibility. Plus he's got a mate to help out.

Handywoman · 21/01/2015 18:43

I think I too am in luff with expatinscotland

misigynist, passive-agressive twunt.

OP I hope you have robust contraception in place: having children with him would be awful.

Better still phone the waaaaaambulance to deposit him back to the 1950s where his attitudes belong.

Next!

rookiemere · 21/01/2015 19:00

I think you are being a trifle unfair to the 1950s handywoman. Yes indeed in those days women were meant to know their place and do the housework, but there was at least the expectation that men would do manly things, like lift heavy boxes, organise important things like house moves and at put a ring on the finger of their subservient maid servant.

He seems very much a 21st century boy to me - happy for his girlfriend to run after him sorting out a house move of which she is not part, whilst he gets to play Kevin the teenager. Entitled and childish.

FWIW I don't think he's building up to dump you OP - I think he genuinely believes that you ( like his Mum) have been put on earth to do his bidding.Dumping him is the sensible option, but if you're not prepared to do that, then at least take a step back and ask yourself - Am I doing something nice here or am I acting like a mug?

I don't know how long you've been going out with him, but I'd be rather annoyed if someone I was having a serious relationship with moved into a batchelor pad. It shows they have no intention of moving the relationship to the next step any time soon and I'd be damned it I'd spend my spare time helping him do it.

Isetan · 21/01/2015 19:12

Two supposedly grown arse men having difficulty cleaning up their own crap prior to moving out is pathetic. Your boyfriend complaining that you didnt offer to help him clear up his own crap and then calling his mummy to do it, is embarrassing.

I'm concerned that your immediate reaction wasn't to tell him to f* off but instead you indulged his twattery by running around after him and were rewarded by being called selfish.

I suggest you cast a more critical eye over your man because either this is an aberration, or it's part of a pattern.

Mom2K · 21/01/2015 20:02

What kaykayred said.

Tell him to grow up and pull his head out of his ass. And then dump him.

nicenewdusters · 21/01/2015 20:38

I think he wanted to give the impression that he could have a busy week and still move home, and didn't need to ask for anybody's help. All the time knowing you and his mum were in the wings willing and able to do his bidding.

The reality is probably that he and his flatmate were sitting on their lazy, mummy spoiled arses watching the telly, whilst the packing cases miraculously stayed empty.

You were supposed to have developed telepathic powers and phoned him on a regular basis, just in case he wasn't superman and did need your help.

You can hear how ridiculous his argument is, can't you ? My young children would be embarrassed to try and pull one like that.

Please dust off your self-respect and leave this child. I bet he's sitting with kevin the other teenager in his new flat laughing at you right now, at what a mug you are etc, etc. I'd buy him a New Home card wishing him a nice life which won't be with you !

Expat - waaaaaaaaaaaambulance - inspired !!