Unbiased opinions. Am I selfish?

[VIX1307]

Hi all,
I would like to get some outside opinions following a disagreement with my boyfriend which has upset me and left me questioning myself.
Basically my boyfriend is in the process of moving house.
I spent last Weekend helping with things such as flat pack furniture, sanding, varnishing and trips to the shops with him for various house hold items. On Monday I bought him some boxes over to his from my work ready for his move on the Tuesday. That Monday night we said goodbye and he told me he would see me Friday as he had the move on Tuesday (he mentioned he would want to spend the first night with his flat mate), rugby practice weds, and interview prep Thursday. I told him that was fine and left him to it.
Tuesday rolls around (the main move day) and I message him at about 8ish after work asking how it's going. He tells me it's going bad, so I offer to go round an help. He declines saying it's too late but says I can bring him a dinner round if I want to help as he has no food in the place. So I make the effort to drive over with their food and tell him not to worry about paying me back. The next day he again texts me saying there's still so much to do and he doesn't have time to go to get light bulbs. I offer to get them for him after work but he declines saying don't worry. Then he messages me at 9:30pm saying the flat is still a tip. Again I offer to go over to help and he says "it's too late now, you could have offered yesterday or earlier today" I apologised and said I'm sorry you told me you couldn't see me until Friday so I left you to it and mentioned all the other things I have done to help out. He said he was pretty disappointed that in the last couple of days I didn't offer to help until he messaged saying he was struggling. I told him he was completely mistaken and would always be here if he needed me, but he said I don't know that and mentioned that it showed a selfish side of my personality. I tired to call him to sort things out but he wouldn't answer despite me telling him I was feeling upset and wanted to talk to him. He said he expects that his own girlfriend would message asking if there's anything I can do to help without him having to hint. Though he told me he would be busy that week anyway.
I don't know, I don't deem myself as a selfish person but what do you guys think? Is he right? Should I be more considerate to him?
In starting to question if I am selfish or if he is being slightly ridiculous??

Thanks for your input.

1. I'd put money on OP not dumping this bullying shit
2. I'd go for the accumulator on her getting more of this shit and re-appearing back here down the line, a bit more ground down by it

Hope I'm wrong.

Waaaambulance - brilliant.

He sounds like a great big overgrown baby. I couldn't bear this level of childishness. Very unattractive and frankly, if he's behaving like this early on - pretty worrying. You offered help, he turned you down then went in a week long grump because you didn't offer to help?! OP that's seriously not funny, he's a twat.

I can't believe you think the only problem here is that he didn't ask for help.

Why would you spend your week cleaning his flat and making his dinner?

You're not moving this week, so I'm sure you had better things to be doing. Right?

Sorry I disagree. If I was moving I would expect my bf to come and help. I wouldn't expect to have to ask tbh.

And I'm puzzled about you saying about him paying you for the dinner you made. Really? I'd better start charging my bf when he comes round.

Moving is stressful. One of the most stressful things you can do. Cut him some slack.

You would expect your boyfriend to drop all his own plans for days on end to do your housework and cook your meals just because you moved down the road?

Jesus, poor fucker.

She did help. She spent the weekend there. Then he told her he would be busy and see her Friday.

I would expect my bf or gf to be an adult, not a needy, PA, gas lighting grown child.

. She did help. She helped at the weekend. She then helped on monday. He told her he'd see her in Friday because he was busy. She offered repeatedly to help when he sent whinging texts and he said 'no'. She then helped anyway.

If you don't live with someone you do have to ask if you would like help to move your stuff. It doesn't matter that you sometimes share a bed. Why would anyone expect someone who doesn't live with them to do their flit for them? I bet he didn't actually ask his mother either, but just called upon his enormous sense of entitlement that age should be there to clean up after him and not have any life of her own.

If my 32-year-old able-bodied son (or daughter) rang me to come clean their flat, drive 100 miles to do it, I'd laugh. Yes, I really would. 'Hire one of those cleaners that do end-of-tenancy cleans.' 'I don't have the money.' 'Elbow grease is free. I stopped cleaning up after you when you were twelve and I started educating you about money and budgeting when you learned to count. I feel like a right failure now.'

When people say moving is one of the most stressful things you can do, they're actually thinking about the enormous nightmare that comes with selling one house and buying another (in a bloody chain of indeterminate length and mind-boggling complexity) and trying to coordinate packing up and moving a whole family's worth of stuff alongside that.

This situation of two fit and healthy men in their 30s packing up some stuff and moving it from one rented place to another nearby. Yes, it's more stressful than a usual week but it isn't the 'up near the top of the stress-o-meter' event that people might be imagining. Especially not when you get your mum to do the cleaning and make your girlfriend disassemble your flat pack furniture all weekend.

even if having to pack up a bedroom and half a kitchen were like planning an Antarctic expedition, it doesn't make it ok to be an arse to your girlfriend.

Well if that's the spin you want to put on it what's the point in answering.

Yes, if I or my BF were having a major upheaval like moving house, I would expect to be helping each other yes. For instance, I have to travel in business today. He is coming over to mine to look after my kids for the night.

You call that dropping all his plans and being my skivvy. I call that supporting each other. Helping each other when one has it temporarily tougher than the other Clearly I'm in the minority though.

Is it really too much to ask to cook your partner a meal while their kitchen is in upheaval? I'd do that for a friend. I'd certainly do it for my BF and I wouldn't expect paying either

But do you simply expect him to look after your children, or do you actually ask him if he can? There's a huge difference.

They don't have kids. They are single and childfree. It's a walk in the park to move house when you are single and childfree.

'Is it really too much to ask to cook your partner a meal while their kitchen is in upheaval? I'd do that for a friend. I'd certainly do it for my BF and I wouldn't expect paying either'

He told her to go away after she spent the weekend helping and he'd see her the Friday.

Sounds like she got them a takeaway. No mention of cooking.

And if it's a new relationship, they are more than likely going 50/50 on stuff still.

He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend.

Some people don't consider everyone they have been seeing for 5 minutes a partner.

VIX, here is something I learned the hard way: dump PA, needy, gas lighting adult children who expect you to read their minds and then label that lack of ability on your part a character flaw of yours.

Such people just get worse.

Picture them dressed in a giant babygro, sucking a dummy. The image is usually enough to kill any previous attraction they once held.

Well, I think there's a bit of an issue with his tone and attitude. He sounds peevish and childish and worst of all wet and that's a problem in a long-term relationship which will probably involve bigger challenges than a house move.

I honestly can't remember if I asked or he offered. Because it is no big deal. It's the kind of stuff we do for each other week in week out. No sense of entitlement. No expectation. No obligation. Just what we do.

Just like I'm sure lots of you do for your OH / DH / DP / BF or whatever. Yet because they don't live together he's some kind of entitled man child because he expected his gf to help him.

Like I say, clearly I'm in the minority. But I think the reaction to him has been completely OTT.

He told her to fuck off for a few days that she wouldn't be needed and then got in a massive snot because she took him at his word.

Despite even being prepared to drop whatever she was doing to provide him with food like an obedient little woman, he's still cross that she didn't intuit that all his housework was a woman's job and that if she didn't step up he'd be forced to get his mother to travel hundreds of miles to do it.

Yep, that's definitely how "helping each other out" works in a dysfunctional relationship with a lazy misogynist.

No sense of entitlement. No expectation. No obligation. Just what we do.

Right, so completely different from this man who does have expectations and does think his girlfriend is obliged to spend her time dreaming up ways to help him, and does feel entitled to her time and effort for his own convenience and to punish her if she doesn't comply.

He didn't tell her to fuck off! That's just ridiculous!! There are a lot of assumptions being made about this guy!

Clearly I'm in a minority of one here. If you read my other posts you'll see that I am certainly no apologist for misogyny or tolerater of crap men. But I think this is just a case of 2, people having differing expectations and communicating those expectations badly.

Sorry, where I'm from being "told to fuck off" is just a sweary way of saying "he told her to go away".

Which is what happened - he told her he was busy for the rest of the week.

How is it selfish of her to go about her own life and presume he would get on with his until they saw each other next?!

But she didn't even do that, she came running over with a take away for him and his equally able bodied flatmate, becAuse they were finding moving into a flat so tough.

But that still isn't enough - no, she should have dropped everything at the first sign of trouble and not forced him to call in his mother.

The fact that a man in his 30s let his 60 year old mother travel long distance in freezing cold weather to do his housework tells you everything you need to know about this guy.

He thinks women exist to be at his beck and call, to anticipate his every need, and to be constantly available to provide it, whatever the inconvenience to them.

Oh my, getting out of control this, he's been a shit, he's had to move - ok he shouldn't have taken it out on the OP, he did, perhaps he will realise in hindsight he was wrong to do that - ultimately he's getting hung drawn and quartered, for that really very much - we've all taken our moods/frustrations out on our partners/OHs.

No way I am sticking up for him here, he was out of order but I hardly think it's a LTB situation.

Banging on about the mum being 60 is making me feel old, 60 is not OLD!

He sounds like a big whiny baby.

No, 60 is not old.

But 30 is the prime of young male adulthood and certainly a man of that age should be able to move to a flat as a single man without his mother having to come over to do the skivvy work for him.

This is definitely a LTB situation.

He's just a boyfriend and he's a lazy, useless, shite of a boyfriend who (as someone has already pointed out) is training his girlfriend to look after him the way his mother does.

He communicated the complete opposite though. Telling me he will be busy during the week so wouldn't be able to see me until Friday. Was that really so bad of me to take him at his word? I don't think so. I left him to it and thought that if he changed his mind and needed help he would let me know? Simple as. When he hinted that it might not be going to plan I told him I was there if he needed me. To then be told that it's too late in the day now and I should have offered earlier and I'm a selfish girlfriend is not cool with me.
Didn't cook dinner either- sorry if that was misconstrued. He just asked if I could do him a favour and bring something over, which I did for the both of them and told him not to worry about the money for it.
I'm all for helping my boyfriend and supporting him and if he wanted a hand and I was free I would have, but I'm not a mind reader. He told me he wouldn't have time to see me then got in a mood because I actually respected that.

32 year old man gets mother to help him move?
How embarrassing.

When DH was 32 he was helping his mother move house, she didn't come down for him!

Dump this 5 year old man and find a grown up.

Is he often this much hard work OP?