Controlling dad - how can I stop being angry and move on?

[SquirrelWoman]

I need to stop being angry and move on but how? This is a really complicated situation, but I'll try and explain it.

Dad has always been a nasty controlling bully. I was 2nd daughter and he made it clear all my life I was worthless, they wanted a son and I was not wanted. As a result I grew up very rarely speaking/almost mute as was always put down if I spoke or ridiculed. Also a people pleaser with no self esteem.

Mum was isolated a few years after having us, which meant we were isolated too, and although was a bully herself was also a victim too. She died last year. The last years of her life she got ill so dad discarded her like a broken washing machine as she was of no further use to him.

Dad wants house to go to GC. I want no part of that place so that's fine with me.

GC 1 (sister's DS) - taken into care last year due to abuse. Dad brought up child to age 11 before support worker saw abuse and called police. He was allowed to go to school, taken from school and only supervised access is allowed for dad and sister. Can't say any more than that as may be a court case.

GC 2 and 3 are my DS in his twenties and DD who is 9-13 (don't want to be too specific).

Dad wants a relative to stay in evil house, but although relative is capable of doing all the things she likes - gym, spa, meals out, hairdressers, events etc, she won't do anything she doesn't like - house stuff like washing, washing up, hoovering, cleaning etc.

So my dad is probably nearing the end. He has said I must look after the house until the youngest GC gets to 18. Oversee the cleaner, wash up, repairs, grass cutting, everying.

I've got to continue to put my life on hold running around lazy relative, looking after house etc. And I'm still sneered at and put down.

His idea is that when youngest GC gets to 18 all three will move into the house and live happily ever after. Abused GC wanted to kill himself while living there. He was 10 at the time. Don't think he's going to want to go back.

I don't want any part of the house. I want to move away and work hard and have the time to make a life for myself. Every time I have to go to that house I have to take a huge stack of pills to physically settle my body as though I plaster a smile on my face and keep quiet, physically my body knows better and I get ill!

I am angry at being made to feel like worthless trash everytime I see my dad. I've given my whole life to everyone else so far. I've stuck around to see Nephew safe, there was no one to look out for me when I was growing up, so I couldn't just leave him. He is now happy and settled.

There's a lot missing out that would probably make this make more sense. But I'm trying to not be identified because of legalities.

But after being stuck, controlled, abused, I am angry. I want to move on. Move away with my youngest. And I want these negative feeling to go away, they are a pointless waste of time. I am worthless other than as a servant to everyone else in my dad's eyes. How can I stop this anger and move on?

I may have missed the crucial sentence but what is stopping you from moving away and making a different life? Or just saying no to the demands to manage the house? If the relative is staying there and you don't turn up, they'd probably have to do something eventually.

You say you want to move away so why don't you? There are three other adults who can look after the house but who obviously have no intention of doing so while you're around. If your father is the bully he sounds, he can simply bully your sister and/or the unnamed relative.

Thanks for the reply. The relative will destroy the house if no-one helped - the room she sleeps/lives in has black mould covering the walls, an overpowering stench and wallpaper hanging off.

No doesn't work with my dad, he ignores it.

To move away I need to work to afford it. ATM because of everything that's gone on my mind goes over and over the injustice of it all and I can't sleep, concentrate on moving, building a new life.

And I'm not sure I'm up to it anyway. Round and round it goes and after all this time I can't get how to move on, I've no confidence left.

I wasn't sure whether to say, but the relative is my sister, my nephew's mother.

Would destroying the house be such a bad thing? You say you want no part of it and it's going to be a long time before the youngest DD is 18. If you walked away from it now and left her to it, then your father would have nothing to hold over you.

Agreed, and it's probably what I'll do.

But it's the anger of what's gone on over the last 10 years or so that I can't really get past. The terrible way he abused us all, bullied and controlled our lives. And because I wanted family for the children I didn't tell him where to go.

I don't care that he's old, he's a truely horrible unpleasant man. And it might make me bad but I want to make that clear to him before he goes.

After a lifetime of being the one everyone uses and being treated as a nobody I want him to know it's unacceptable and will have consequences i.e. I won't be arranging his funeral (my sister certainly won't either), I don't want any memories or photos of him etc.

But then I feel bad, keep quiet like I always do and the inevitable angry feelings stop me moving on. Pathetic isn't it!

And I'm angry that his abuse of my nephew over the last 10 years has meant I had no choice but to stick around to protect the child, not being able to live our lives.

Just let it all go and walk away. There's no children to protect now, so you're free to and have the life you want to live. No dad. No house. No female relative in her mouldy bedroom.

People like your father know they are unpleasant bullies. They behave the way they do because they simply don't care what anyone thinks. They are devoid of conscience or humanity.

If you tell him the things you've mentioned above and you can get satisfaction for yourself simply by articulating it... then do it. It would not make you a bad person to tell the truth. If you are expecting him to feel anything as a result of your words or experience some death-bed revelation ... lower your expectations.

You're not pathetic in the slightest. I think the way you've stuck around to protect a child at great cost to yourself shows you to be a truly heroic human being.

Well if moving away is too big a step right now can you concentrate on improving your situation where you are. Don't communicate with your father and sis, concentrate on you and your daughter

Getting through anger is really difficult (and I haven't been through anything like what you have) but start with doing small things for yourself. The anger is almost keeping you under his control so maybe small changes to prove to yourself you can have your own life.

You are all right, thank you very much for your replies.

I do have moments of feeling free and have a huge stupid smile on my face. But then the anger returns.

Cogito you are right, I do want to tell him some home truths and I know deep down he wouldn't have any great death-bed revelation and would just ignore everything I said. He thinks all women are stupid, you have to have male body parts to be listened to by him!

I intended to speak about the house and the child abuse and his supervised access openly when we all go to the solicitors next week. Then he will have to listen and face the facts and feel a bit of the pain he's made everyone else feel all their lives.

I intended to return all photos of him. I will talk about the estate agent coming round that afternoon because we are moving - it might become real to him then. Even if I haven't booked the estate agent yet!

I will explain that I won't be arranging his funeral. As there is no-one else to do it, basically not my problem.

I will explain if he ends up in a care home I won't be visiting - after all he didn't visit my mum once when she was in hospital or had to go into a care home.

Or maybe I won't. But I feel I should do something to explain how hurt I feel before it's too late. And then I'll never ever go to that house or see him again! Maybe.

I didn't leave my abusive partner either a short while ago even though I know he's just using me. He came back!

But you are right, I am free now to move on and away, I just have forgotten how to be proactive, small steps, I'll make a start.

He won't feel any pain. I don't know the man but I know the type, unfortunately. If they were capable of feeling pain, they wouldn't do the horrible things they do in the first place. If you're holding onto the idea of him feeling pain when you muster up the courage to say your piece you will be really disappointed.

If you're going to do it, it has to be for what you will get out of it yourself. If simply saying it out loud would make you feel better then say it out loud. If writing it down and sending a letter ... or not sending the letter... would make you feel better then do that. But don't bank on getting anything back from him.

Have you had counselling? I would recommend it before taking any drastic course of action.

Regarding the house: Not your problem. They can't make you be its care-taker if you don't want to be.

Regarding your father: Cut contact if possible. Definitely detach emotionally, whether or not you remain in contact, this is crucial. Move away, since that is what you want.

Regarding your anger: Therapy/counselling. Can help you work through your anger, and detach emotionally.

Agree there won't be any realisation from him of what's he's done over the years.

And I do feel a bit silly when the anger subsides and so I don't want to say and do things that I might regret later, even though it would probably go over his head anyway.

But then I have to go round and do things for him and the way he treats me like dirt brings it back again. The rage gets me at night sometimes and makes it hard to sleep. Counselling would probably help but that's not an option right now.

I might just get all the solicitors stuff done with him and then become unavailable from then on. Emotionally detach and move on if I can.

Thanks for all your replies, they have been very helpful.

I have to go round and do things for him

Honestly, you really don't. You can stop today, and block him from your phone and email. You've done more than enough, look after yourself now.

Just logged in to say what Monstrous said.

And do you need to get the solicitor stuff done, or does he need you to?
Do your DCs really need his house? Will they suffer if they don't inherit the house you grew up in and which now makes you ill? Have they actually benefited from having a relationship with this man? And if not would they be adversely affected if you just move away and don't go through the stress of explaining to your father why, or where to?

I agree with others saying you should move away if that's what you want. This is your life and family. He had his family and has lived his life.

In the short term writing things down will help to get rid of some of the anger. Longer term counselling will really benifit you.

Of course you're still angry, because he's still treating you like dirt, and you can't yet break free from it all.

To those of us on the outside it's clear there is no external force making you go round to his house again and again, but you seem to have an inner force doing just that - the way you say "He has said I must" "so I've got to" "But then I have to go round" shows that you are still stuck deeply in the role of abused child/scapegoat, and that's something that's hard to shift.

But if you keep putting yourself in the way of more abuse, you'll never shift it.

It's good to hear you say you're making plans to stop going round there. Still not sure why you're waiting till after this meeting with the solicitor though? You are allowed to just stop going round there, right now. Never set foot in the place again. Certainly not while that disgusting old man is still there. Your nephew is out and safe, you owe the others nothing.

Re keeping the house in good order because of it going to your DC down the line - it's not worth the emotional damage that at least 7 more years of this would do to you. And you don't even know he'd keep his word and will it to them. Controlling, manipulative, abusive bullies are not generally gifted with integrity and honesty; he could up and leave it to your sister or the local cats' home.

If someone came to you and said they kept visiting someone in the knowledge that person would beat them, and they asked you for advice about how to stop feeling angry about the beatings, what would you tell them?

1. do a course in meditation and detachment to help you not be angry about the beatings
2. stop going round there in the first place?

You do know that what he is doing is an emotional beating but years of abuse have conditioned you to believe you have to accept it on some level. You don't. Im so sorry you had/have such a shit for a father (I'm NC with mine) and I wish you success in getting away from this whole stinking set up and creating your new life without him in it.

Oh and I agree with the pp's who said that there is no way he will listen even if you do say your piece. He will find a way to turn it all around to make you the bad guy and himself the victim, these sorts always do; and I'm sure he's much, much better at being manipulative and cruel than you are. Be wary of giving him any opportunity to twist the knife again.

Squirrelwoman please do seek counselling to help you work though this anger. Talk to your gp as a first port of call.

Please seek some advice for assertiveness training or advice. Mind, the charity, may be able to help you.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/how-can-i-help-myself/#.VL6Lgy6vNWQ

In your shoes I think I would attempt to:

Cut contact with your father. Either tell him why or do not tell him why, your choice. As other have said he may or may not understand all this. But the key issue (IMHO) is not what he understands for himself but what you are able to do for yourself.

Of course this is understandably very difficult after years of abuse.

Move away, only you know what what will mean, changing location, finding a job, moving school for your child etc, if necessary. I am not sure how far you would actually need to go.

Please seek all the help you can get from whoever could help you. If you are in social housing you may get help there, if not and you need to buy or rent elsewhere get a good estate agent who can help you, if you work can you relocate? If you are on benefits can someone help you with moving. You do not need to do all this alone. You are worth it, you are worth the move.

And please do not feel bad for leaving your dad, as you said, he left your mum like an old washing machine. Remember that fact when you feel yourself weakening.

The house is no concern of yours. Maybe it will be sold one day, or fall down, maybe your dad will give the money to your children and nephew, but whatever happens, you do not need to return to it ever. Meet your father at the solicitors if this would be easier for you, prepare your letter to be read out in front of the solicitor, if this would be easier for you.

You seem to be stuck between two options. Angry, harsh outburst or subservient obedience. In terms of Transactional Analysis, you seem to be stuck in Child state. There are alternative choices. You could choose to react in your Adult state, and approach him, adult-to-adult. Calmly expressing your feelings. Your feelings are valid.

I am not sure what is happening with your relationship with your partner. You said

I didn't leave my abusive partner either a short while ago even though I know he's just using me. He came back!

Did you leave him and he came back, or did you not leave and he left and he came back?

Whatever way it is, I humbly suggest you talk to someone about your abusive relationship with your partner, will he be coming with you on the move? If you feel he is abusive do you want him to come with you? Talk to women's aid if you think you may need their help.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Tel: 0117 944 44 11 (general enquiries only)

If there is domestic violence, the website says...

Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]*
Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above.

I do not know if this applies in your current relationship but you said your
Email: [email protected]

Oh and at the risk of thread spamming, one last thing!

See if you can turn around your ideas about anger. You ask how to get rid of it, but the truth is your anger is a healthy and just response to a bad situation, a situation that has gone on for years and years. It's appropriate anger and it's telling you something, as you said yourself about your body telling you something when you get ill.

See you anger as an friend, not a foe. USE IT. Use you anger to make your own life better - I don't mean for a minute use it directly against your father to hurt him or seek revenge, I mean use it, channel all that energy into helping you make the positive changes you want in life for yourself and your own family. That's what it's there for. It can be very powerful, in a good way, and I bet you would be a whole lot healthier if you stopped trying to stifle your natural feelings.

I agree with TalkingintheDark when they say channel all that energy into helping you make the positive changes you want in life for yourself and your own family. That's what it's there for. It can be very powerful, in a good way, and I bet you would be a whole lot healthier if you stopped trying to stifle your natural feelings.

Good luck SquirrelWoman.

Thanks for your replies.

Dad now wants to know my bank account number so he can put the money in to look after the house over the next few years. He isn't taking no for an answer as usual.

I'm not taking responsibility for my sister to live a life of leisure and luxury over the next 6 years while I continue to run around after her and everyone else!

My sister has led a life of laziness, cheating, lying, getting criminal records but nearly six figures in the bank by doing so, neglecting and abusing her son and just generally living her life how she wants. And she got treated better by my parents than me, who has tried to be helpful and there for children and relatives to the detriment of my health and bank balance and mostly worked for what little I have. As most people do.

Your replies are making me see that I've been trying to seek approval my entire life, and this childish behaviour has got me nowhere.

What a mug I've been!

You're right, I don't care if the house falls down, the plot will be worth a bit of money for the GC anyway!

If my dad doesn't get his own way he used to scream and rant and rage but I don't think he's got the health for that now.

As an example of how he controlled my life (there are hundreds of them but this is just one).

He decided the back door was old in my house and needed changing. I disagreed. He ordered a door that cost a good four figures and had it fitted. I hate it, it's plastic, dark coloured and is so big the glass at the side had to be removed so the dog can no longer see into the garden.

I should be grateful he replaced the back door but I'm not, I didn't ask or want one. I liked the old cheerful coloured wooden one.

There is also a hole several feet along in my kitchen ceiling where he decided I needed a new bathroom (I didn't want one) and the cowboy builder left a leak.

Times this by hundreds and include the screaming nastiness I'd get if I didn't let him get on with it and you can see why I'm not grateful for any of this. I didn't want it.

It sounds crazy and I don't want it to happen as my house is my children's home and it would be better to sell it and move on, but if I came around the corner after walking the dog and saw my house explode in a huge ball of fire, my first reaction would be to cheer as long as everyone was safe. As I say I don't actually want it to happen but everywhere I look in it it's not my choice and been imposed on me, so I feel trapped in it IFSWIM?

Anyway I'm starting to see the light and am feeling less angry, but am still trapped until I can save the money to move, so I'd better get on with it!

Thanks for all your replies, I'm very grateful for them.