Controlling dad - how can I stop being angry and move on?

[SquirrelWoman]

I need to stop being angry and move on but how? This is a really complicated situation, but I'll try and explain it.

Dad has always been a nasty controlling bully. I was 2nd daughter and he made it clear all my life I was worthless, they wanted a son and I was not wanted. As a result I grew up very rarely speaking/almost mute as was always put down if I spoke or ridiculed. Also a people pleaser with no self esteem.

Mum was isolated a few years after having us, which meant we were isolated too, and although was a bully herself was also a victim too. She died last year. The last years of her life she got ill so dad discarded her like a broken washing machine as she was of no further use to him.

Dad wants house to go to GC. I want no part of that place so that's fine with me.

GC 1 (sister's DS) - taken into care last year due to abuse. Dad brought up child to age 11 before support worker saw abuse and called police. He was allowed to go to school, taken from school and only supervised access is allowed for dad and sister. Can't say any more than that as may be a court case.

GC 2 and 3 are my DS in his twenties and DD who is 9-13 (don't want to be too specific).

Dad wants a relative to stay in evil house, but although relative is capable of doing all the things she likes - gym, spa, meals out, hairdressers, events etc, she won't do anything she doesn't like - house stuff like washing, washing up, hoovering, cleaning etc.

So my dad is probably nearing the end. He has said I must look after the house until the youngest GC gets to 18. Oversee the cleaner, wash up, repairs, grass cutting, everying.

I've got to continue to put my life on hold running around lazy relative, looking after house etc. And I'm still sneered at and put down.

His idea is that when youngest GC gets to 18 all three will move into the house and live happily ever after. Abused GC wanted to kill himself while living there. He was 10 at the time. Don't think he's going to want to go back.

I don't want any part of the house. I want to move away and work hard and have the time to make a life for myself. Every time I have to go to that house I have to take a huge stack of pills to physically settle my body as though I plaster a smile on my face and keep quiet, physically my body knows better and I get ill!

I am angry at being made to feel like worthless trash everytime I see my dad. I've given my whole life to everyone else so far. I've stuck around to see Nephew safe, there was no one to look out for me when I was growing up, so I couldn't just leave him. He is now happy and settled.

There's a lot missing out that would probably make this make more sense. But I'm trying to not be identified because of legalities.

But after being stuck, controlled, abused, I am angry. I want to move on. Move away with my youngest. And I want these negative feeling to go away, they are a pointless waste of time. I am worthless other than as a servant to everyone else in my dad's eyes. How can I stop this anger and move on?

Don't shut up - keep going.

Rightmove has 238 3-bed houses for sale in Plymouth for between £150-180K. So it's more than possible. Just saying...

Your father sexually abused your nephew? Why are you having anything to do with this man?

"If I told DP to leave now (again) he refuses to see DD"

Everyone in your life has got some kind of stranglehold on you, don't they? I'm sorry you're so badly treated and from so many directions. Wish I could help you to stop sacrificing your life for other people and to put yourself first for a change. You don't deserve such cruelty.

If I told DP to leave now (again) he refuses to see DD.
Then he doesn't love her and it is cruel to pretend otherwise to her. She will find out eventually.

He only lives here because it's cheap, when he did a runner when DD was born he came back after 5 years because he couldn't afford it and was £60K in debt.
He'll be off again then when he has paid back his debt? Are you helping him to pay it off?

And if I sell house I couldn't get another mortgage so would have to get a 3 bed with the equity of £220K near a good school and possible jobs for my son and me.
That would be easy! Especially if you stop worrying about twat DP. If you move so far away that he would be unlikely to visit even at the weekend that's brilliant. You've got so many pluses: £220k cash, only you, your DD, adult DS (presumably moving out one day), can go far out of London (to be away from ex and family).

Milton Keynes has loads of work and good schools. I have many friends there. They love it.

You could have this shared ownership scheme house (loads of these in MK for £90k ish)
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-44333002.html

or this gorgeous 4 bed Edwardian terrace with cellar and other lovely bits for £190k.
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-31657389.html

Or Slough also good for work and schools: www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-48138956.html

Huge 4 bed end of terrace in Plymouth for £190k:www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-50028338.html

You are in a fantastic position to move and leave all your abusers behind.

Maybe have a look on Rightmove or Zoopla for houses in your price range anywhere in the country. Then have a quick look at jobs sites and the ofsteds/school league tables. There will be LOADS of places you can go.

She has her brother and she has you. That will be enough to start afresh for her. She will make friends when you are BOTH free to do so. Move. You won't regret it; you will certainly regret not moving.

Do the Freedom Programme. Get yourself some rl support from people who've been where you are and know how hard it is, who recognise everything. You will find it so much easier to get yourself out.

Do it for you. Do it for your children.

(The south coast is lovely. I live in Devon, having moved here from central London. There is a good life here calling out to you....)

Can me and WhattodoPuppy come too? (Googles mini-bus hire)

I love Devon especially the cream teas

I've just found your thread about your DP.

YOu need to just sell up and move away from all of them.

You must realise that you are subjecting your daughter to the exact same childhood (from your DP) that you endured from your father?

Woman up!

You guys are inspiring me now!

I couldn't do it alone as though DP can be nasty and aggressive some support would be better than nothing. I haven't the health or confidence to go it completely alone.

Although my DD said something the other day, I was on the phone to my sister talking about my dad, saying something like if he's always going to be nasty and unpleasant he's got to realise there may be consequences.

When I got off the phone DD said "what consequences?" Asked her what she meant and she said she thought I was talking about her dad as he's always nasty and unpleasant!

Going to focus on earning something to get paint for this house and repair the worst of it, get estate agent and start building from there. Leave the past behind.

Trouble is DP will block it unless I can sell the idea to him. Have to think about that.

Many thanks for all your ideas. Never been to Plymouth, looks nice. Have heard Milton Keynes has lots of opportunities and decent houses. Will look online at the schools in both those places. I used to want to move to Exeter but probably couldn't afford there.

Lenny I do know my DP is similar to my dad. But I also had my mum telling me regularly that I wasn't wanted, probably her confidence was low and she wanted to take it out on us. My DD never gets that from me. both my children and my nephew are loved and wanted by me and hopefully know it.

I know if I don't break the cycle it'll continue. I just have to work out how.

" I just have to work out how"

Sometimes it's the small victories that break the cycle. Little insignificant acts of rebellion that might not look much to an outsider but which are meaningful to you and give you confidence.

BTW... is your house your own? Mortgage in your name? Is DP joint owner, joint mortgagee or does he just pay a contribution towards your mortgage?

Cogito many thanks for your reply.

The house is mine now. It was joint but when DP left shortly after DD was born he wanted out, so I got a job bought him out and increased the mortgage.

He pays me money to live here. I've looked into it and as he was on an IVA for 5 years and what he pays now is a lot less than when he was renting on his own, it's unlikely he could claim a share in this house. He's had no losses only huge gains from living here.

I don't know, it all seems a bit hopeless sometimes! I've got to go out now but thanks for all your replies.

Would your DS go with you? If so he could provide some support.
But with at least a 9 year old, you probably don't need as much help as with a little one.
I know lots of people who have survived on their own after difficult relationships. Unless you have lots of friends and family there can always be times you have to ask friends/acquaintances to help out eg. when my DH had meningitis, I had to ask a neighbour to look after my 2 DC.

You can do it!

How is your DD's father (I won't call him your DP because it doesn't exactly sound like that's what he is) in any way going to 'block' the sale of your house?

I couldn't do it alone as though DP can be nasty and aggressive some support would be better than nothing. I haven't the health or confidence to go it completely alone.

I have limited/no family and am pretty much a recluse as he gets in a bad mood if I talk to people or work outside the home.

Have you considered the possibility that your logic is backwards?

Try this:

I haven't the confidence because DP can be nasty and aggressive

I haven't the confidence because I am pretty much a recluse as he gets in a bad mood if I talk to people or work outside the home.

I need to do it alone so that I can build some support in the new location from my new friends, neighbours, work mates and other parents from DD's new school. If he comes with me I will get no support because he gets in a bad mood if I talk to people or work outside the home.

You don't need to paint the house or do DIY. You are self-sabotaging with self imposed delays.

Get the estate agent round immediately. Don't tell DH. Ask estate agent how much more money he thinks you'd get if you painted/did DIY/whatever.

Get an estate agent round when your p is out and ask advice from them about what to do - what is desirable, what is helpful and what is absolutely necessary. Then do the stuff that is necessary but don't worry about the rest.

I am near Exeter. I am disabled. I have had so much more support from both SS and NHS here than I did in my erstwhile affluent London suburb. The job market is not great atm, but on the up, so check that out. (I am actually a frustrated academic so would jump at the chance of MK with the OU based there, but obviously jobs and career opportunities are very individual.) Schools may be better there. All this is worth checking out.

Can you get to CAB for advice about your house? Or a free half hour with a family law solicitor.

I suspect your p will be on a hiding to nothing, but am not a legal eagle.

SquirrelWoman you said of your dad, He isn't taking no for an answer as usual. But he must, he can’t put money in your account if you do not give him your bank details. Do not give him the bank details. That is a no he cannot refuse.

GloopySoupy is talking massive sense, along with lots of people on this thread. Please, please listen. Especially when they say You don't need to paint the house or do DIY. You are self-sabotaging with self imposed delays.

You need to start your life, you need to get going, the more you delay to try and get a bit more money on the house or do this or that you run the risk of being dragged back into the mire! Your nasty, aggressive father and partner are sucking the life out of you.

And Jux is right Get an estate agent round when your p is out and ask advice from them about what to do - what is desirable, what is helpful and what is absolutely necessary. Then do the stuff that is necessary but don't worry about the rest.

I really agree with all who are saying forget about the house. If your father is in poor health and needs a care home he may find he needs to fund this himself. My mother is in a very expensive care home costing around £1,000 a week, yes a week! Others we looked at were slightly cheaper but even the most basic was about £750 a week. Of course my mum gets some sort of pension but she is still forking out £100s a week to live there. I have no idea what the situation will be with your dad but unless he has medical needs so severe he needs to be in a nursing home (and my mother has Dementia and is still not paid for by the state) he may find he needs to sell the house to fund his care. This might happen sooner or later.

So I would stop thinking, talking or worrying about your dad's house and what will or will not be there for your kids. I would focus on your life, your health, your own finances and your own opportunities. I would personally (IMHO) definitely say I will have nothing to do with the house at all. If he has any money to leave and chooses to leave it to your children and nephew, so be it.

I would also suggest going ‘no contact’ with your dad and sister and writing to that effect from a solicitor if that is an option. Your letter could include as much or little as you like about why this is and could state that you will not be organising any moves into care homes, house maintenance, house renovations, house sales, or anything with the word ‘house’ in them - or funerals.

You said If I told DP to leave now (again) he refuses to see DD. I have limited/no family and am pretty much a recluse as he gets in a bad mood if I talk to people or work outside the home. So she would have next to no-one.

I agree with whattodoforthebest2 she needs you.

Your daughter would have you, not as a recluse but as a normal person rebuilding her life. If you partner is abusive to you is he really a good person to have in her life? If I had an abusive partner and he said if you tell me to leave I will cut contact with our daughter I would ‘Goodbye then.’ It is your job to keep your dd safe, if your partner (is he her dad?) is an abusive person then is not worth it!

And GloopySoupy has summed it up well. And agree with Jux. So much good advice here.

You really really need to speak to Mind the charity and get some help in building up your confidence. Are you really going to shackle yourself to a partner who is abusive just because it provides some sort of support? Why not go out and make some new friends, yes, I know it is very daunting but that is why you need to get some help, counselling etc.

Once in your new location you will make friends through your dd’s school, through work, local opportunities for socialising or whatever. You may even meet a new partner.

Please do not take your old abusive partner into your new life. You have implied he is really just in a relationship with you because it is cheaper than renting, and he is abusive. It would be like buying a new bed and burying a mouldy sock in the new clean sheets! Don't do it!

Get some counselling, please, and talk to some people who can help, you need building up for this task.

www.mind.org.uk/