Controlling dad - how can I stop being angry and move on?

[SquirrelWoman]

I need to stop being angry and move on but how? This is a really complicated situation, but I'll try and explain it.

Dad has always been a nasty controlling bully. I was 2nd daughter and he made it clear all my life I was worthless, they wanted a son and I was not wanted. As a result I grew up very rarely speaking/almost mute as was always put down if I spoke or ridiculed. Also a people pleaser with no self esteem.

Mum was isolated a few years after having us, which meant we were isolated too, and although was a bully herself was also a victim too. She died last year. The last years of her life she got ill so dad discarded her like a broken washing machine as she was of no further use to him.

Dad wants house to go to GC. I want no part of that place so that's fine with me.

GC 1 (sister's DS) - taken into care last year due to abuse. Dad brought up child to age 11 before support worker saw abuse and called police. He was allowed to go to school, taken from school and only supervised access is allowed for dad and sister. Can't say any more than that as may be a court case.

GC 2 and 3 are my DS in his twenties and DD who is 9-13 (don't want to be too specific).

Dad wants a relative to stay in evil house, but although relative is capable of doing all the things she likes - gym, spa, meals out, hairdressers, events etc, she won't do anything she doesn't like - house stuff like washing, washing up, hoovering, cleaning etc.

So my dad is probably nearing the end. He has said I must look after the house until the youngest GC gets to 18. Oversee the cleaner, wash up, repairs, grass cutting, everying.

I've got to continue to put my life on hold running around lazy relative, looking after house etc. And I'm still sneered at and put down.

His idea is that when youngest GC gets to 18 all three will move into the house and live happily ever after. Abused GC wanted to kill himself while living there. He was 10 at the time. Don't think he's going to want to go back.

I don't want any part of the house. I want to move away and work hard and have the time to make a life for myself. Every time I have to go to that house I have to take a huge stack of pills to physically settle my body as though I plaster a smile on my face and keep quiet, physically my body knows better and I get ill!

I am angry at being made to feel like worthless trash everytime I see my dad. I've given my whole life to everyone else so far. I've stuck around to see Nephew safe, there was no one to look out for me when I was growing up, so I couldn't just leave him. He is now happy and settled.

There's a lot missing out that would probably make this make more sense. But I'm trying to not be identified because of legalities.

But after being stuck, controlled, abused, I am angry. I want to move on. Move away with my youngest. And I want these negative feeling to go away, they are a pointless waste of time. I am worthless other than as a servant to everyone else in my dad's eyes. How can I stop this anger and move on?

You may be trapped financially in terms of moving to a different location but you can say no to the bank account details, no to being (unpaid?) housekeeper to your sister's home etc.

How on earth did he get a door fitted in your home or a new bathroom? When the workmen turned up did you not tell them there had been some mistake and to go away? Or are you saying he owns your house as well as the one your sister lives in?

Take his money and move.
You deserve it.

That's another solution. How much is he proposing to deposit in your account 'to look after the house'? If you took it and spent it on relocating, what could he do?

Did you Dad abuse your nephew? Or was it your nephew's Dad who abused him?

Hahaha. Your comments about taking the money and moving house made me laugh, it would be funny to do that, but I wouldn't dare.

I would say I didn't want stuff doing on my house but as I was in a lot of stress at the time as a single parent with an abusive ex, in pain a lot of the time with rheumatoid arthritus, looking after a very active baby/toddler and son who was distraught his dad had left, trying to find time to work to pay the mortgage and bills, it was one more battle to fight. I didn't have the strength to do more than say no. The work in my house was hassle I didn't need but couldn't stop.

anice, my dad was violent to my nephew but the court action going through isn't for that. He's too old and his health is too poor to be prosecuted anyway.

No, my nephew's dad didn't abuse him. He only saw him once a month in a cafe for a few hours anyway.

Can't say more than that because of the court action I don't want this to be identified.

Why wouldn't you dare? What could a sick old man do to you if you took his money, said thank you very much and waved him goodbye?

It really does seem as though you are in urgent need of counselling or other psychological therapy. Surviving abuse physically is one thing but mental scars that keep you trapped for years afterwards are going to ruin what's left of your life if you don't get help.

You sound like such a considerate and thoughtful person Squirrel - and you're obviously incredibly strong to have survived this turmoil all these years.

I think now's the time to put yourself and your DD first, do what's right for the two of you. Make plans to leave, tell no-one, but steadily work out how and when you can do it. Offering to put money in your account sounds like an opportunity for you to move away and set yourself up somewhere safe. If using his money bothers you, write a note and say you'll pay back what you've borrowed as soon as you can, so that you can cut all ties.

You sound very objective and focussed - direct that towards yourself and your future. This is your time.

Right.

What will happen when he dies? Will your sister be forced to move out? has he stipulated in the will that she can live there for life? What does his will say about the proceeds being split between the GC? Are there any limitations on how/when it can be sold? What rights is your sister being given to decide what happens to the house? If there is nothing in writing that protects her position then as soon as he is dead you can sell it and force her to leave.

Open a new bank account, let your dad put whatever he wants in there for the upkeep of the house. Do nothing to the house unless and until YOU WANT TO. If yours sister complains the place is a tip then tell her she's welcome to get quotes, you will approve them as appropriate, she can arrange to have the work done and you will release the funds when the invoices arrive.

Don't arrange a funeral if you don't want to. I don't know why you are so sure that your sister won't - she clearly has a better relationship with him than you do, so leave her to it. If no-one volunteers to do it then I suppose the state steps in, although the cost will be deducted from his estate I imagine. Although you might actually get some small bit of satisfaction and closure out of arranging/authorising the most basic, soulless and perfunctory funeral possible, with no mourners present, if that's what you want to do, and if you've been saddled with the job of arranging it then he gets the funeral you want him to have. You are under no obligation to make it 'nice' for him, or for any other relatives. If they want a 'nice' funeral then let them do it.

Make sure there is nothing in writing that ties you to supervising the maintenance of the property while your sister is living there. Don't sign anything. Who cares if it's mouldy and shabby? It will still be a nice nest egg for your children, even if it doesn't fetch top price. Let her live in the festering shit hole, that's her problem not yours. You just wash your hands of the whole thing, and then sell it as quickly as you can for whatever you can, and put the money in trust for your children and her son. Or if you can face it, use the maintenance money to get a basic refurb on it, and let it out, dividing the income between the GCs. You sister will presumably have to move out and fund herself.

This is only your problem is you make it your problem. Take what you can for your children and turn it into something positive for you and for them. Don't let guilt or duty come into it. You owe these people nothing.

Thanks Cogito and Whattodo. I'm not sure I would have the courage to use the money. I would feel guilty even if I intended to pay it back and even if I tell him again clearly I'm not going to be his unpaid skivvy for the next 6 years.

And it is possible he might die soon. I don't really believe in ghosts and bad kharma and all that stuff but you never know!

I do have to find a way to move though I don't know how yet.

Sweetheart, don't feel guilty about making a life for yourself that you've been deprived of all these years. He's your father and he's behaved like a shit for as long as you've known him. How does he deserve to be treated?

Courage is something that grows with each step you take.

Guilt.... really? Wouldn't you see the money as scant compensation for a lifetime of shit? As for him coming back from the grave to wag his finger at you .... Face it, if there was any such thing as Karma, he'd either have been hit by lightning years ago or your Mum would have come back to rattle his tea-cups.

It's time to put yourself first.

Sorry I've obviously missed something but what is the relevance of the six years you keep referring to? Is that until the youngest is 18? Can't you sell it before then?

Thanks Hello.

The house was owned 50/50 separately by my mum and dad. My's mum's 50% of the house has been split between the GC in her will thankfully, with a right of occupancy to my dad but not my sister.

I've told my son that although he now owns one sixth of a £400K house he's unlikely to see it for many years if ever as I can't see my sister leaving willingly and I don't have money for legal fees to persuade her to leave.

Will ask the solicitors if the GC can sell house in the future if one or all wants that. Sister and me are named as executors in the will but we are both giving that over to the solicitors next week.

My sister wouldn't arrange a funeral. She wouldn't arrange my mum's, eventually I couldn't just leave her in the morgue for months so I did it with the help of an amazing funeral director who helped and pushed me through it, even though I had huge problems with going round the house.

My sister sets her alarm for 2 pm and lives a life of leisure. My dad really dislikes her, shouts at her all the time but has no choice but to let her live in the house now as she refuses to go!

Dad hasn't got any relatives we are in touch with other than my sister and me and GC as he was nasty to them all. It made me laugh your suggestion to give him a basic funeral, something to think about.

Thanks for your suggestions, they are helpful.

Ah, my dad has a right of occupancy. He is desperate to leave the house to get into a care home, mainly to get away from my sister but also to get day-to-day assistance. He is old and in poor health. He may live a few more years but is in and out of hospital all the time.

He thinks he will die soon and he may be right.

One of the children is 12. Dad may live another 6 years. Even so he doesn't have the health to look after a house. If he doesn't the GC won't get the house until the youngest is 18.

Thanks for your reply.

Just think what you could do with £5,000 Squirrel - deposit on a flat, rent, small car, rainy day cash, new school uniform for DD. Where would you like to live? What job could you do?

Imagine the feeling of freedom when you can get up in the morning knowing you can do as you please with just you and your DD to think about.

You have a huge opportunity here to break the pattern. You have been controlled by this man's money, influence, behaviour etc for your whole life, and damaged as an individual in the process. Your DCs (and they are primarily your DCs, not his GCs) and nephew are being roped into six more years of the same control with this promise of the proceeds from a house. All of that terrible obligation and guilt that is continuing to ruin your health is being passed onto them.... everyone keeping the old man sweet just so that they get a part share.

Do talk to the solicitor but how great would it be if you simply walked away from the whole thing, put the ADs in the bin and, one day in the distant future, a solicitor's letter arrived on the mat asking your DCs to pick up a cheque from the sale of the house?

Get some legal advice - either CAB or try to get some via a specialist lawyer (at least a trial free session) or someone who does pro-bono work.
Sell your present house, do call Estate agents and get an idea from them just how much work you need to do to get it sold.

Your DS is old enough to deal with his share of the issue by himself. To be honest all three DC would do best if the house was sold and any profits put away for them. But if your sis lives there rent free for any length of time she main gain legal rights, so at least trying to evict her - even if just serving her with letters telling her to go - may be essential to protect the children's rights.

Do go NC with your father. Contact SS, and tell them you are washing your hands of him due to the abuse you have and continue to receive, and inform them about your sister.

None of these people (including your partner) care about you or will ever do so. Please care about yourself and get rid of them.

Walk away from all this - sell your house, find somewhere new. Leave your contact details with the solicitor under strict instructions that he is not to give them out to anyone but he can contact you in emergencies.
Forget about the house - that will sort itself out when youR dad dies, but you do not need to think about it until then.

Start living YOUR life today.

Really really thank you for all your help. I am taking it on board.

I hadn't thought about my sister gaining rights if she lives in the house, I would like to protect the 50% share for the children in the future so will look into that if/when dad leaves/dies. Don't give a stuff about my dad's 50% though, that can go to the cat's home or in care home fees, I don't care, just want to get away, the children have got 50%, that will give them a start in life.

Just started feeling angry about how dad says this is all my nephew's fault as when support worker witnessed the sexual abuse and got the police, nephew told the police everything. Apparently he should have kept quiet and I'm wrong when I say he is victim blaming.

He says if only he could get him away from supervised contact and the people writing down everything he says he would have it out with him!

Aaargh I do really need to get away soon, don't I. I'm going to speak to estate agent just to see what could be done to make this house sellable, there is hope there.

Only thing is DP is just a big a problem as my dad but I won't bore you with that!

We're here to help Squirrel - so what'll happen if you tell 'DP' to leave now?

If I told DP to leave now (again) he refuses to see DD. I have limited/no family and am pretty much a recluse as he gets in a bad mood if I talk to people or work outside the home.

So she would have next to no-one.

Alternative would be to move to south coast or Devon so he would have to live nearer to his work Monday to Friday, here in London. DD would get a better life and only see him weekends but I suggested that to him yesterday and he got aggressive and said he couldn't afford it.

He only lives here because it's cheap, when he did a runner when DD was born he came back after 5 years because he couldn't afford it and was £60K in debt.

And if I sell house I couldn't get another mortgage so would have to get a 3 bed with the equity of £220K near a good school and possible jobs for my son and me. Probably not going to be possible.

I'm going on now aren't I, I'll shut up now!

"No-one?"

She has the most important person in her life - YOU.

She doesn't need another abusive person in her life - she's had enough of that, and so have you.

What I think she needs (bossy hat on) is a mum showing her that you and she can manage without these shitty people in your lives. Show her what a strong, determined woman looks like.