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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to read the messages on his phone.

118 replies

FastWindow · 19/01/2015 01:19

Nutshell, if I can. I made a decision, thought he supported it. Tonight he said 'you were a bit harsh.'

Regardless of my decision. I would have thought a husband would back up the wife? And if he didn't, he has had a week to discuss and/or disagree. Im a little sad to find that he thinks I'm being 'harsh'

Well, that's it. Hard times.

OP posts:
HelloItsStillMeFell · 19/01/2015 05:32

Is she very young, and does she have children of her own?

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:37

They've all been super helpful! And I've apologised and tried to explain my obtuseness. Even reading back the early posts I realised I wasn't helping myself. I was trying not to identify my friend, as it goes. Lots of pp have helped me nail my feelings about this.

It isn't relevant, our social stations. I said I was scared of her. Doesn't make her less than me. Does it? I could be well educated and scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:39

Hello- no, she is not young (in the sense I think you are asking) and yes, she has teenage children.

OP posts:
HelloItsStillMeFell · 19/01/2015 05:42

So you are older than her but your children are younger than hers?

Not sure why it matters, I'm just a bit confused!

Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 05:46

Ok, I'm going to get back to your original question here Grin

Fwiw, iiwy I would look at his phone.

You're obviously upset and nervous about this woman, and your concern about whether DH is in contact is what prompted you to post.

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to know (I bloody well would!) but, if you find that he HAS been in touch with her, what would you want to do? I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is "is ignorance bliss?"

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:47

Yep that's it. I am technically a geriatric mother. Sucks to be my kids.

And I still haven't looked at his phone, if anyone still cares Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:49

Yes fourfox I guess that's it. Strive for indifference... It's worked for me in the past.

Thanks for reading the op Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:54

Oh and cutted I have had a few wines and needed to talk to you guys, as my DH was unavailable (hence op) so being obtuse and dripfeedy was both inevitable and acknowledged and everyone else got it.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 05:59

Fwiw I'm sorry this has got you so upset. When I've seen you on other threads you've always been upbeat/not too serious/your sense of humour shines through. It's a shame that you're in the position now of needing to ask for advice and support.

Might be wrong, but I get the feeling that that is why your posts have been - well - scrambled. Sounds like you're not used to asking for help yourself?

bitofanoddone · 19/01/2015 06:03

All a bit drama llama for me. Why a simple 'that is unacceptable
behaviour for someone looking after my children' hasn't sufficed makes me suspect there is even more dripfeeding to come.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 19/01/2015 06:05

If the OP is anything like me I ALWAYS NC if I have a problem or am upset and not to ask for support or vent. I don't do being vulnerable or needy, it doesn't suit me. Grin

Perhaps she's just too ahem 'tired and emotional' to work out how to NC so she was trying to be cagey about how much she gave away so things don't come back to bite her on the bum. Grin

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 06:08

Ha ha yes fourfox , the scrambling is due in part to the wine (although that has worn off now, but definitely earlier I was a bit...errr... Making sense in my head... ) and not wanting to slander or identify my friend. Or ex friend. Or whatever you call someone... It's all new to me.

Very kind of you to remember my posting style. Im normally very self reliant and yes, this has knocked me. For more than one reason - one thing I haven't mentioned here is the financial and logistical impact.

But mostly I'm grieving for what I thought was a solid friendship - and this keeps me up at night.

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 06:11

Tired and emotional hee hee. No I'm just too thick to work it out. Tried a few times and it says, 'you do not own this username'

So no, it's me. Warts and all.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 06:13

Thanks, hello

I should have nced. Wouldn't have been flamed for dripfeeding (but I did totally deserve it)

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 06:16

I'd imagine that it's a trust thing too - this is someone you've left your dc with, not some random person who you ever thought would hurt you. It's difficult to get your head round that - that someone you trust so completely could turn like this.

CuttedUpPear · 19/01/2015 06:17

Everybody else didn't get it though, as a read back through the thread will show. Many posts were attempting to guess your situation and intention.

I just picked up on your comment about this friend coming from a different demographic and tried to get clarity on that.

As you said, you have been drinking. I think it would be best if you slept on it.

Ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2015 06:17

Erm, reading my post back it doesn't make sense Hmm

Hopefully you know what I mean!

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 06:21

I do Fox

cutted and everyone else that I've annoyed sorry. Been a hard week.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 19/01/2015 06:22

Well, you can speak in tongues, be obtuse and drip feed, of course. As longaas you accept that it's going to piss people off and lead people to the conclusion that it might well be you in the wrong here...

Is your husband normally supportive? If so, you might need to consider that you're in the wrong. And no, I don't think someone should always support their spouse. I wouldn't if I thought they were in the wrong.

Why is someone who would put your windows through your friend?

In fact, why is someone who would put your windows through left caring for your children? Is she an ofsted registered childminder with whom you have a contract or a casual babysitter you are calling a CM to make her transgression of not turning up to work for 3 days appear worse? Actually, scrap that, I know the answer because a CM looks after children in their own home. So, if she's doing you a favour, albeit one she receives money for, then she is entitled to withdraw that favour if you've pissed her off.

Do you think you're better than her?

I suspect you're not telling the full story about the exchange, tbh. Unless you are all reactive and emotionally illiterate, of course...

Tbh, this woman does sound a little unstable, but then she's your friend and CM (presumably by your choice) I suspect you're both probably as bad as each other and your husband is stuck in the middle of it!

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 06:25

And no bit that was really it. Just needed to talk. There's no drama llama in me, just sorrow. Oh wait Grin

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 19/01/2015 06:26

X post, but I agree, no one else got it either. Lots of summarising and seeking clarification!

Vivacia · 19/01/2015 07:13

I've just read through, and thought it was pretty clear. You weren't the only one posting and not making 100% sense, so I can see how people may have been confused.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't expect DP to agree with everything I do or say, but I certainly wouldn't expect him to undermine me with a "friend" who had had such a falling out with me.

I think you do need to move on, feign disinterest and let him have his secret friendship with this woman if it means so much to him.

DeliciousMonster · 19/01/2015 07:18

Fast - I really don't get the joke to be honest. It sounds like you were having a dig. If you had an issue with your childminder, friend or not - then would it have been better to actually sit down and discuss it?

Perhaps your husband doesn't understand it either and is trying to smooth it over?

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2015 07:52

Fast I hope you've sobered up and are thinking a bit less dramatically this morning.

Obviously you and she need to talk but, it seems to me that the old adage "never mix work and pleasure" applies here. Don't employ friends. Find a new childminder. Decide if you want to rekindle this friendship. And ask your husband straight but not accusatory "have you been texting her." And calm your tits

Cabrinha · 19/01/2015 08:02

You just sound drunk to me.
So best advice is to decide what to do when you're sober!

I think something to consider is being more direct with people.
You said that your husband lied to you about being in contact with her.
But later you explain that you never actually asked him! "anything interesting to tell me" ???!!! Sorry - I pity him getting that!

And you say she's welcome to just hang out at your place as a refuge, but then make digs about her just chilling on her phone.

You need to be clearer with people, on here and in real life.

She should NOT have lost it with you. But I agree with your husband - what you said was "a bit harsh".

And those that love is shouldn't blindly back us up, but help us calm down and understand when we've over reacted.

Agree with others that you need ti reconsider your CM choice if you think she'd put your windows in! Why on earth did you employ her?!