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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to read the messages on his phone.

118 replies

FastWindow · 19/01/2015 01:19

Nutshell, if I can. I made a decision, thought he supported it. Tonight he said 'you were a bit harsh.'

Regardless of my decision. I would have thought a husband would back up the wife? And if he didn't, he has had a week to discuss and/or disagree. Im a little sad to find that he thinks I'm being 'harsh'

Well, that's it. Hard times.

OP posts:
Millli · 19/01/2015 02:16

Fast why do you want to see the messages? What do you think you will find? If they have been horrible about you and there have been lies told then you will naturally feel very angry and have to confess to your DH what you have done or keep it to yourself and go bonkers.

ShitHotAwesome · 19/01/2015 02:17

It's really unclear what's going on.

I am a terrible snooper if the urge takes me. In very early days with OH, there was stuff he wasn't telling me and I resorted to that. Not proud and it doesn't do the relationship much good 'cause of the lack of trust it engenders and provokes.

If the text you saw was suspected infidelity, I'd be inclined to ok the snooping. If it's him talking out this situation with someone, I think you need to stay well away. Not sure why my personal moral code says that but there you go!

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:24

My longtime friend took a joke the wrong way. I apologised immediately. Both verbally, immediately, and by text also immediately (this will become relevant later)

Trouble is, she took the joke so badly that she was aggressive and intimidating. I don't deal well with that stuff so when she left I unexpectedly broke down. Im quite old, and I've seen off bigger and better than that- the shock was was did me in.

Oh, my point is this. My DH knew what happened. The lady in question has fucked us over quite comprehensively as a result. How is it he still thinks I'm being harsh by going no contact?

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:27

Millli i want to know if they still talk.

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MargoGetYourGun · 19/01/2015 02:28

Fast- what you're not saying is what you think you'll find? You think something is going on between them?

I am a terrible snooper. Am having to work incredibly hard to stop. I would say if you're like this usually then don't do it, as I think that explains why you feel like this now. But if this is unusual for you then check the phone.

What text did you already see?

HellKitty · 19/01/2015 02:30

Men are different animals in relation to friendships. A friend of mine is a teacher and told me that boys will beat each other up then half an hour later they're best mates again. Girls will fight then wage a silent (or verbal) war for months. Your DH probably thinks enough is enough and this should blow over now. But we don't think like that. Maybe? Apologies for gross generalisation and possible stereotyping, it's late and my DP is snoring!

As for back up, my DP would back me up to the world - in public, but would tell me I'm wrong in privacy. And I'd do the same. I imagine if you go looking at texts your DH will be taking your side.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:31

No infidelity - not sexual. But if I have drawn a line I would expect DH to respect that and back me up - so Aibu?

I'm a little bit scared of her and I just don't think I should have to feel that way about about a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:35

The text I saw was 'good luck babysitting x'

She babysat a lot. For money. Good money, too.
Parents don't babysit. Wtf.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 19/01/2015 02:38

Right. I don't understand what the babysitting bit means or who to or in what context Confused

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:39

hellkitty so my point. Back me up. Disagree in private. I don't think he is backing me up - to the point where I think he has been texting this lady over the last week.

Hence my original op - should I go and look at his phone now?

It's not my style. But then I wasn't prepared for him to say I was harsh.

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JoanHickson · 19/01/2015 02:41

I am struggling to understand I feel I am looking at an incomplete jigsaw.

Look at the phone as long as you accept he will be cross with you.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:41

She was the babysitter, but that isn't relevant - dads aren't babysitters. Just another irk. That I'm trying to ignore :)

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:44

I am actually quite a normal poster here would you believe. This week has undone me. Sorry for the most incomplete, inexplicable thread ever.

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Millli · 19/01/2015 02:45

I would be bothered that my DH was texting this friend after you have had a falling out. I think I would tell him how I feel first .

HellKitty · 19/01/2015 02:45

It's been a bit of a tooth pulling!
No. Dads don't babysit. She said that maybe to wind him/you up? You're after permission to look at his phone then. Will it help you sleep?

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:49

But thank you all for listening and posting. It has been nice to get some support where I feel I have none irl. Even if most of you are going 'what the fuck was she going on about' I feel better that someone asked.

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:51

Nah, I don't know if I will kitty. Im more - feckit- let him dig his own grave.

Im not very forgiving, clearly Grin

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:52

Drip feeding, they call it in AIBU. Soz.

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BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2015 02:53

I'll try and answer.

No I don't think spouses should always agree with you regardless. He has told you you've been a bit harsh. Maybe you have been a bit harsh. Without knowing what the "joke" was, it's hard to say. And calling you "harsh" isn't exactly the rollicking of the century is it?

As for texting her, hmmm hard to say. Maybe he's trying to patch things up. Build bridges. Are they close friends too?

I don't really understand the babysitting bit dirty!

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 02:54

You're all very kind. Im in bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:01

She was our childminder. Had a massive go at me (unexpected, and to my mind out of the blue)

Didn't turn up to work for three days, with no explanation or contact.

I cut her off.

Now I'm the bad guy... Despite two apologies from me within twenty minutes of the original comment.

I've had enough of the drama, I'm just a normal person. I don't think I should take abuse. Especially unexpected abuse(the worst kind! I felt like a kicked kitten)

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2015 03:05

Well from what I can piece together... (And I think it's only semi-cryptic to be honest. You are obviously in a lot of distress but I think I can gather the general theme)

I don't think spouses or partners should always back each other up 100% with no questions asked. However, if I went NC with someone for a good reason I would expect DH to go NC too.

If you ask him a direct question ("Have you been in contact with X?"), would he tell you the truth?

If yes, then just ask him.

If no, (and I realise this is a very UNpopular stance on MN) then I would snoop.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:05

Oh I'm double bad guy, apparently. Since they still text or WhatsApp or whatever.

So, original question. He's so very asleep....

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:06

I asked. He lied.

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BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2015 03:06

Do you know what op I think you really need to calm down a bit. It sounds like you're making this a bit more dramatic than it needs to be.

Can I also ask, have you been drinking? You seem a bit, erm, overwrought

Like I say, without knowing what the joke was, it's hard to know how justified the other woman's response was.