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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to read the messages on his phone.

118 replies

FastWindow · 19/01/2015 01:19

Nutshell, if I can. I made a decision, thought he supported it. Tonight he said 'you were a bit harsh.'

Regardless of my decision. I would have thought a husband would back up the wife? And if he didn't, he has had a week to discuss and/or disagree. Im a little sad to find that he thinks I'm being 'harsh'

Well, that's it. Hard times.

OP posts:
Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:09

Sorry, I gave him ample opportunity to tell me. No outright questions, but 'so, anything interesting to tell me?' to me, that would be carte blanche.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2015 03:09

X post.

Do you think he is just trying to salvage the relationship? Maybe for as mundane a reason as just not having to find a new CM? Or is there more to it than that?

Possibly not at all relevant but who on earth looked after your DC while she was incommunicado?

Sounds like she was the one who went NC first too.

Messy situation. I can totally see why it's doing your head in.

startwig1982 · 19/01/2015 03:11

Ok so as I understand it:

She's the childminder
You made a joke at her expense
She got angry and was rude/explosive towards you
You initially apologised but have now gone nc
Meanwhile your DH has had a text from her
Now you want to see if he's been talking to her as this is a deal breaker as he should be on your side.

Is that the jist of it?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2015 03:13

Not to egg you on but I would not be able to keep myself from looking. Be aware that you will completely lose any smidgen of moral high ground if you do though. And then the argument becomes about you snooping rather than the actual issue at hand. I think the best course if action is to ask him direct, point blank, as soon as he wakes up. While you are holding his phone, so he has no chance of deleting anything.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2015 03:14
  • best course of action
slithytove · 19/01/2015 03:14

I'd look.
Though it sounds like she was just sending a snarky message to your DH.

What was the joke.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 19/01/2015 03:20

I think that's it startwig

OP without knowing what the 'joke' was it's impossible for us to say whether you are or she is overreacting really. But I agree with the PP who said that it sounds like your DH has been trying to patch things up and act as as a mediator with her. Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe if she's upset you that much he should just say 'I'm sorry this has happened between you, but as Fast is devastated by what she sees as your complete over-reaction, she offered an olive branch and you threw it back in her face so let's just agree to go our separate ways now.'

In fact maybe that is what he's doing by texting her, but trying to do it in a way that is diplomatic? Perhaps she is texting him because she is devastated too and wants to know where she stands now?

Your DH should stand by your decision but I don't think he's obliged to agree with it. Look on his phone by all means but if it's passworded you won't be able to anyway.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:24

Oh yes, bit I've had lots of wine.

But this happened a week ago and I haven't slept. It's only now I'm asking mn for help.

The joke was this-

Woman comes round to my house. Spends all evening on phone, Facebooking or whatever. Im not bothered in the slightest - said woman has very many issues and has been welcomed in our house as an escape.

Joke was this- me 'ohh... I see how it is.'

(As if she is ignoring me - I know she isn't, she's on fb, or whatever. She has her own shit. It's all fine.)

Normally i would expect one of the following.
'sorry just texting xyz'
'sorry just Facebooking a friend '

What I got was such an aggressive response that I revaluated the whole thing. I don't care who you are, no one speaks to to a friend so aggressively that they leave them in tears. And I'm not that delicate. So..

I feel terrible because I'm mourning a friendship.

Im also terrified she's going to put my windows through.

So.. Should i expect my DH to back me, or text her.

Can I go and look at his phone now :)

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:29

startwig yes. But the jokey comnrnt so very innocuous, and such an explosion in return. Made me blink.

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rootypig · 19/01/2015 03:38

The joke was totally innocuous.

But surely there is much more backstory here. She's your childminder? your friend? which came first? What are these 'very many issues', and frankly, if she has them, why is she looking after your kids?

You can go and look at his phone, for sure, but how are you going to proceed if you find they have been chatting?

MokunMokun · 19/01/2015 03:39

Yeah, I would find it very bad that my DH was texting a female friend in this context.

If you look and he has been texting then what?

Do you think she is deliberately trying to stir trouble between you and your partner?

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:41

So very kind of you all. Then you read the terrible thread about the poor lady who hasn't seen her four year old since yesterday. Hmm, perhaps I have no real problem after all- I still have both my kids fast asleep upstairs.

First world problem. I'll deal with it tomorrow but thank you all so much for reading, and responding, to what must quite frankly have been the worst dripfeedy thread ever. I needed someone to talk to - and you came through mners.

I luffs you.

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:47

Aha - exactly why I would rather not look.

He can have his own friends. Me not his keeper etc.

And yes re the stirring. Makes me even more disinterested. Call me what you like but I prefer to have the high ground (which is why I am asking you all Can I LOOK AT THE PHONE)

I'd fucking rather move house Grin

You're all lovely.

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rootypig · 19/01/2015 03:47

Sleep sounds good. Whatever you decide to do re phone, and DH, and friend, don't do it full of wine. About the extent of my wisdom.

Thinking about it, YANBU to expect your partner to be loyal to you. In most circumstances, imo. And this woman sounds dire.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 03:50

Thank you. Never act on wine... Wine has moved me only to ask you all aibu. And this was in relationships Grin

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 04:09

Also, and I may not have put this across. Although I have gone NC (but to be fair she unfriended me - are we 14?) I am devastated. Not made of stone.

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CuttedUpPear · 19/01/2015 04:33

If she's the sort of person who would put your windows through, why is she your childminder?

I think you need to get some sleep and think about this again when you are sober.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 19/01/2015 04:34

Ok, unless she has literally just fleed for her life from an abusive partner and run to you for shelter, to come and spend the evening with you and then ignore you and spend the whole time on her phone texting and checking facebook is childish and unreasonable and self-absorbed of her, so I don't blame you for making your little joke.

If her issues are that important that she needed to spend the evening discussing them on fb with someone she should have stayed at home to do it. As a grown woman you don't go and just sit in someone else's house for the evening unless you intend to actually have a grown up conversation with them. That kind of thing is usually reserved for teenagers and total no-hopers with nothing to do but watch Jeremy Kyle all day.

I think if you are genuinely feeling that she might act out some sort of aggressive repercussion then you are better off without her in your life anyway. Who wants their children looked after by someone who is not in full control of their anger? Confused

bitofanoddone · 19/01/2015 04:48

If you had said that to me, it would have got my back up. I'm not unstable though, so wouldn't have exploded, but you would have irritated me.

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 04:58

cutteduppear hi!

She was never bonkers with me. There's a significant demographic gap. Which made the outburst all the more shocking and unacceptable. I just never thought I'd be on the receiving end of any of her drama. Naive? Probably.

And I've known her for many years. Hence the heart sickness. Also hence the job.

Im just... Done. Who doesn't turn up to their job for three days and still expect to have a job? It isn't the first infraction. Im not an ogre :) but even so, I was shocked, hurt, incredulous. Then, beyond bothering. Some people might say I should look beyond, if it was a good friend. But this was the occasion that made me sit up and say to myself 'I would never speak to a friend that way.'

Bridge. Burnt.

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:01

bit I mistimed the comment, saw my error and apologised immediately. What more can one do?

I (and she) had said same many times. It was a running joke. Makes it more sad.

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Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:10

And hello you articulate my feelings well. Thanks. I vacillate between sadness at the end of the friendship and vague sense of unease/vilification.

Not a great place to be for sleep, clearly.

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CuttedUpPear · 19/01/2015 05:10

What does 'a significant demographic gap' mean?

That you are older than her?
Richer than her?
That you perceive yourself to be from a different social class?

And why would this have any bearing on the likelihood of her putting your windows through?

Original poster
FastWindow · 19/01/2015 05:13

I'm older. Not richer. But I am less likely to take my frustrations out on her windows.

Can I not speak in tongues on here?

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CuttedUpPear · 19/01/2015 05:28

No you can't speak it tongues on here.

You are being obtuse and drip feeding and you seem to be doing it to amuse yourself and frustrate posters who are trying to be helpful.