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Original poster

How do you go from friendly chat to 'let's be friends' with mums in a playground?

73 replies

JoshandJamie · 17/10/2006 19:06

Maybe I am just Norman No Mates - but I recently moved to a new area and would really like to make some local friends. I've tried meeting some mums through another mums website and it was ok but didn't really have much in common with any of them.

But quite often when I take my boys to the playground or toddler/baby groups, there are other mums there and sometimes we start up conversations and it seems that we have a bunch of things in common. And conversation flows relatively easily. And I just want to say: hey, would you like to meet up here again or have a playdate - but it all sounds so stalkery.

Any tips on how to make friends without seeming like desperate dan?

OP posts:

Finbar · 17/10/2006 19:08

no it'snot stalkery.
one of my nicest friends becane a friend after SHE had the gumption to ask if I wanted to come fro a coffee. I totally admired her for that.

brimfull · 17/10/2006 19:09

I usually just ask if they'd like to come round for a coffee so the kids can play.That's how I've met most of my friends.I don't think it sounds desperate at all.

tigermoth · 17/10/2006 19:14

It's not stalky to swap phone numbers. If you are at a playground, ask the other mother about phoning to arrange get together at the playground again, as the children play so well.

Then you are not putting her on the spot with an invite there and then and you are planning to meet on neutral territory.

FIMBOnABroomstick · 17/10/2006 19:16

Is that Cod you are talking about Finbar?

threebob · 17/10/2006 19:17

"have you got time to go for a coffee?" or the long version below:

"I don't know anyone here, where is a good hairdresser, doctor, shoe shop?" and then you can tell them how wonderful it was after you have been and then say "have you got time for coffee?"

toiletrollmummy · 17/10/2006 19:20

one mum just invited herself round my house for coffee and then we have been friends since

amynnixmum · 17/10/2006 19:22

I felt like that myself and then one of the mums I chatted too just invited me to join her for a coffee one morning and I was really pleased. Afterwards I thought to my self 'I could have done that myself and not waited for someone to ask me'.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 17/10/2006 19:24

I guess maybe I'm just unsure whether they're in the same frame of mind - like maybe they're just making polite conversation. And sometimes I just don't get enough time to really talk to them before one of us has to leave and then it seems really weird if you haven't spent that much time chatting to them.

Like today for example, at the park and I saw another mum and she just looked like someone I'd be mates with. It's hard to say how you can look at someone and decide that but she just did. Also, her kids were of a similar age to mine. So I thought - right, how do I initiate a conversation with her. And I managed by asking the age old 'so how old are your kids' question (someone should right a book for mums trying to make friends - much like a pick up line book for blokes 'haven't I seen you somewhere before..'

Anyway, we chat briefly - no more than 5 mins, but it was nice. Certainly not enough time to know whether we could be best friends in the whole world ever, but definitely someone who would be good to meet in the park again. But then her daughter needed to pee and she had to leave and that was that. To me, asking her if she wanted to meet up again was just too early. It would have seemed weird. But I find in parks you just don't get much time to chat before you have to charge off because your child is about to throw themself off the top of a slide or something.

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 17/10/2006 19:28

I felt the same about whether the mum I was enjoying chatting to was just being polite and also about being able to tell by the look of them whether we would get on. With me I used to chat to this mum quite often and she chatted to lots of other mums too because she is outgoing. Then one day during the chat dropping the kids off at school she said she was going to Sainsburys for a coffee and did I want to join her. She invited another mum who was chatting with us along as well. we have all been friends since then.

alismummy · 17/10/2006 19:32

i know what you mean, it can be quite a rush job making friends with another mum. There have been a few times when i have had to shout the last few numbers of my phone number at a mum as my ds drags me off into the distance. If you felt a good vibe with this woman, its likely that she did too so thats quite a good basis for a noncommital coffee.

UlySCREAMS · 17/10/2006 19:34

what about making some cards with your printer? I made some as I'm doing some hairdressing again and have given a few to women or mates. They're really easy to do.

MissyBabee · 17/10/2006 19:41

i'm glad you asked this j&j, as i have kind of been wondering about this too. i find it's easy to talk to mum's at a group i go to every week but actually taking it further is hard. then you find that other mums seem to have taken things further and it's really hard not to panic and wonder why they haven't asked you

i guess you have to make your own moves. if they say no, it's their loss i guess but maybe they are standing there wondering the same thing.

Ags · 17/10/2006 20:53

I have lived in my village for 2 years now but I really remember so clearly how I felt when I first arrived. My big break was the Mums and Tots group which happens in the local village centre. Ds was just 14 months when I first went and I swear I was hyperventilating as I walked through the door. I was so nervous. I just chatted with the other Mums the first few times I went (they were very friendly) and then someone asked if I would come to a girls night out at the local pub. The dye was set on that night as we all got gloriously drunk and found a million things in common. I am very lucky as the group has since expanded and changed and now there are about 14 of us who are very close. We all agree that the support we get from eachother is like no other friendship we have ever had. Despite the odd hiccups with personality clashes (both Mothers and Children!) we all get along very well and are very close.

I remember so well the first time someone asked me and ds round for a playdate. I was so excited and called all my family and friends to tell them! SADDO! Funnily, the person who invited me turned out to be sooooo not my kind of person and we have maintained a very cool contact since! Luckily I found lots of other people who were just up my street.

My advice is to keep going exactly how you are going so far. You sound as if you are not afraid to chat and to start communication with someone. Great start! But (and I know it is not easty) you HAVE to take that one step further and suggest a meet up. This can be easier if your children are playing/interacting and you can say " Those two seem to be getting on well. We have just moved to the area and the boys are missing their friends. How do you fancy getting together for a play date sometime?" I know it sounds naff and contrived (made me cringe a little as I wrote it!) but you will be so surprised at how welcome those words will be to lots of other Mums. I wish you courage and luck in finding new and lovely friends. Please just take that step, my life would be so dull without my Mum friends.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 18/10/2006 08:00

thanks for all the suggestions - and that's a great story Ags. I guess I just need to get braver - now I know how men feel when they're the ones expected to make the first move.

OP posts:

purplemonkeydishwasher · 18/10/2006 08:21

it's like bears and dogs isn;t it? they're more afriad of you then you are of them.
I bet most of the moms feel just like you do and would be relieved if you 'made the first move'.

Ellieorange · 18/10/2006 09:37

I def have the tendency to be a bit paranoid! At the slightest rebuff, an unanswered text or email, I think they don't want to be my friend/ think I am a bad mother/ hate me. Happened recently, but I tried 'once more' and I found out she was pregnant again, so had prob been going thru a lot. Also, looking back, maybe I appeared unfriendly as I went to her son's bday party and then was out of touch for a while (I have a chronic illness, so when it's 'on' I am out of it for a while). Anyway, took the plunge, her and husband are coming round for a meal and will see how it goes. If we end up aquaintances rather than friends, that's fine, but wouldn't want to miss out on a good friend who lives close-by just because I was caught up in negative thoughts about myself.

dmo · 18/10/2006 09:50

i know how you feel
what if you invited them for coffee and there was a slients (could be arw in playground)

i dont have any friends really i have one friend who lives 1 hr away who i met at work and i visit bout twice a year (both busy with work etc)
and a couple of 'friends' at toddler group who i only see in toddler group

my dh is my best friend we try to go to the cinema and pub once a week, and with my boys in varies clubs after school my week nights are tied up

and weekend we normally do family things like going swimming, park, beach etc

TwigTwoolett · 18/10/2006 10:02

The rules to making new friends of parents

Smile at people and show an interest in their child/ren and / or them?
Take it slowly .. allow the smiles and hellos to build into conversations naturally .. most of the time you'll need a few weeks of pleasant chitter-chats before you can take it to the next step .. but sometimes you feel so at ease you can do it immediately
Remember they probably feel exactly the same way as you do .. and WANT to make friends .. very few people have TOO many friends
Say something along the lines of

"I'm thinking of going to xxxx (playgroup / park / cafe) tomorrow, would you like to come with us"

"I'm gasping for a coffee would you like to come to the cafe" (if one nearby)

"Oh they (our children) are getting on so well, would you like to come round to my house for a play next week? .. when are you free?"

Do not take a rebuff personally .. other person might have a lot on their plate at the moment .. and continuing to chat / smile with them might mean a few weeks down the line you'll be invited to theirs
A smile goes a long way .. as does interest (genuine) in other people ...pretend to adore their children (always helps) .. it takes a while before you can start bitching about your kids to each other
Remember ALWAYS that people genuinely like to to be LIKED ... I have occasionally said to someone who makes me laugh "oo I like you" in a kind of jokey / friendly well .. seems to break the ice a bit
Remember also that in some situations there is an established status quo which will take a while to break through ... ie going to an existing playgroup .. it might take a couple of months of smiles .. try not to look desperate or sound desperate
You're a nice person .. you're worthy of friendship ... be confident

HTH

Bozza · 18/10/2006 10:04

Brilliant post twig. I have tended to meet people more at groups than in the park.

TwigTwoolett · 18/10/2006 10:05

oh and making friends at school is simple .. it evolves through playdates arranged for the kids' benefit .. of course the parent has to come too ... make a simple dinner for the kids .. make coffee / tea offer biscuits / cakes .. consider opening a bottle of wine around 5.30ish .. offer to babysit for other person and be interested in them / their lives

be warned if they have older kids they could be less receptive to becoming bosom buddies because sometimes it gets hard to invest the energy in building a friendship .. this does not mean you aren't worthy of being a friend just that there are time constraints .. can only fit in so many playdates a week

Bozza · 18/10/2006 10:05

And actually I had a Mum and her 2yo round on Monday for the first time, even though I have known her to speak to for about 4 years - we both have older children who have even been to each other's parties.

TwigTwoolett · 18/10/2006 10:07

thanks bozza

Wintersun · 18/10/2006 10:08

I've made some good friends at playgroups.
I'm a bit paranoid myself and never had the confidence to ask for tel no.s etc but, thankfully, the friends I made were braver than me!
They just asked if I wanted to come over for coffee and one asked for my no. and then phoned to invite me to meet her at the park as it was a nice day and it went from there.
I really appreciated that I got invited and I'm sure you won't come across as 'stalker-ish' at all.
I now have the confidence to chat to other mums and invite them over and we now have close group of about 6 and also have an excellent social life without the kids too.
If you meet someone at the park again, a good conversation starter might be if they go to local playgroups and would they like to meet up there?
Just go for it.

Bozza · 18/10/2006 10:33

Well twig you are the person to give advice on this, aren't you? Have you made many new friends with your DD, or does she just play with the siblings of your DS? I sometimes think that DD's social life entirely revolves around DS. Although it was interesting to note that on Monday when DD had a friend round in the morning, DS suddenly didn't feel well and didn't really want to go to school.

TwigTwoolett · 18/10/2006 10:39

No DD doesn't have any friends in her own right .. she plays with siblings and with DS's friends (holds her own beautifully too)

feel I can wait till she starts nursery to be sociable

although that said am meeting someone this afternoon (first time playdate) who has 2.5 year old girl .. and neighbour has 2.5 year old and we keep trying to arrange to meet up

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