How do you go from friendly chat to 'let's be friends' with mums in a playground?

[JoshandJamie]

Maybe I am just Norman No Mates - but I recently moved to a new area and would really like to make some local friends. I've tried meeting some mums through another mums website and it was ok but didn't really have much in common with any of them.

But quite often when I take my boys to the playground or toddler/baby groups, there are other mums there and sometimes we start up conversations and it seems that we have a bunch of things in common. And conversation flows relatively easily. And I just want to say: hey, would you like to meet up here again or have a playdate - but it all sounds so stalkery.

Any tips on how to make friends without seeming like desperate dan?

Wow, what a brilliant thread, and apologies in advance for sub-hijacking, but I have a similar problem...
I've been feeling exactly the same way since I started going to my local playgroup with my 16 month DS, almost 12 months ago, initially only off and on, but now regularly since September. All the other mums are really friendly and nice etc, but there's a group of them that always seem to be meeting up at each others houses, getting drunk together (I'm sure a hot-tub was mentioned at some point!!!), and so on, but never have I been asked to come along. Which does make me feel a bit nancy-no-mates. Even this week there was the discussion about half term meet ups, but I really can't bring myself to invite myself along, as I definitely don't have that much front.

The other problem(s) I have is that my DH works away during the week and my house is a disaster area, particularly in terms of health'n'safety as it currently resembles a building site. So a) I can't invite anyone over or reciprocate any invitations if they were to arise and b) I can't go out in the evenings as I wouldn't dare let a babysitter near the place (not even my mother's allowed over). I also live outside the village which makes everything even harder. Any ideas would be much appreciated?!
However, having given that big moan, this was the first week I've been to playgroup where I haven't felt like crying afterwards because I don't have any friends here to play with, with is a massive step. I think it's because there were a load new faces, making me no longer the new girl, and some of them looked like they could be mates, so I shall persevere after 1/2 term!
Apologies again for the hi-jack...

I find it really hard to meet any other mums in my area because I work full-time in London so whenever I drop ds off at nursery, I'm either rushing to catch the train to work or too knackered from a long day... Other than Mumsnet , does anyone have any suggestions for how to meet other mums when you work full-time?

(As an aside, CityGirlGoesRural - I can relate to your situation. Our ds was brought home from the hospital to a building site, but I invited girls from my antenatal group around anyway. Most people are quite interested in building projects in my experience!!)

i also find myself in a similar position, my dd started playgroup 2 afternoons a week this 1/2 term and i find myself stood alone at the school gates surrounded by groups of chatting mums whenever i pick her up, and doesnt it make you feel unloved!!
it doesnt help that i only pick her up one afternoon a week coz her childminder drops her off and her dad picks her up the other afternoon and im painfully shy and no matter how much i want to i just cant think of anything to say to anyone.

Hi All

This has really struck a cord with me too! I always thought I was a confident, fairly easy going, out-going person that could meet people and chat!! Since I had ds I seem to be unable to meet people without feeling like I am a stalker too! Started chatting to a lady once in mothercare whilst breastfeeding, she was very nice and her dd was only 2 weeks older than my ds! She even gave me her email address when I mentioned that I had not really met anyone with babies of a similar age. Trouble is I didn't email as I felt she was probably just being nice and felt a bit sorry for sad little old me, especially as she already had a network of friends. Do you think it's too late to try again?

Also do feel that people think I am weird when i start up conversations at a baby group I go to, they already all seem to know people and I feel like I am getting in the way of their conversations!

God, re-reading this I sound so sad!! Why does becoming a mummy make you feel so unconfident and more lost that you had ever imagined?? Dh thinks I'm a being a bit of a fairy I think!

i think when you have a baby, espescially if you're not working, you can become quite absorbed in your own little world. Then trying to get back into the real world can be a bit daunting. Does that make any sense? That's how it's felt for me anyway.

netmums is good for letting you know whats going on in your area and also you can meet people in your area on it to and meet up. haven't done that myself but know someone who has and they said it was good.

Littleman - Write tonight ! Say you lost her e-mail and have only just found it tucked in a pile somewhere and you're off to park / playgroup / blah next week and would she like to join you ? Nothing to lose really.

This meeting up / becoming friends is tricky. And for a bloke looking after the child it's doubly difficult !

Have been lurking on this thread with interest as I've just moved and know very few people here. Infact, the only people I've met so far have been dh's collegues and MNers because of the St Albans meet up .

Can I just say that up until a year and a bit ago I worked full time and used pre school and after school clubs so didnt interact. The I got pregnant and decided to give up work and became one of those mums who watches all other mums interacting. Slowly I just got into conversations and had a laugh. I meet some at mums and tots etc. You cant expect to be best friends overnight but do get stuck in. Im now one of these mums that stands chatting in groups but I never ever mind new mums joining in. we were all there once.

Thank goodness it's not just me! I was talking to an older friend the other day (her kids are about 9 and 11) and she said the first few years after they were born were the loneliest of her life!

Part of me gets the impression that most mums are totally in a clique already with people from NCT or whatever and probably don't need to meet anyone else.

I have found though that I don't want to just meet any mums with kids a similar age but ones I would actually want to be friends with anyway! I find it really hard as most of the mums who have a brain round here and who could hold a half decent conversation seem to have gone back to work.

Add to this the fact my ds, 15 months, doesn't seem to like playdates and we're pretty hopeless!!

We spend a lot of time sitting in cafes alone while ds watches the cars go by!

Well I work FT so I never meet mums. But my cousin moved to Paris with her DH, DS and DD1 on the way, and her Top Tip is to go to the same park every day at the same time, because even without being addicted to that Routine Queen we can't talk about any more, people just have habits of doing things at the same time, and you soon see some regular faces.

boo64 I agree with you about wanting to actually like the person and not just have the kids get on well. I also find that most of the people I meet don't work - I do, but part time from home running my own business. I find I want to talk about work stuff occasionally - not boring people to bits but just explaining something exciting or nervewracking that may be happening, but most of the people I meet can't seem to relate at all. They're not wrong for not being able to relate - they're just in a different place.

It's hard. But here's hoping we all find some REAL friends soon.

Wow - it's so refreshing to find I'm not the only one who stands at the school gates feeling like a billy-no-mates. I've just joined mumsnet exactly to try and find answers to my social hangups when it comes to breaking into an established group of mums chatting!

I've tried the tots groups etc, but aside the polite chats, have never managed yet to establish any real 'drop round for coffee' friends. But often see others sat on their own in the group, so next time I go I'll take the plunge!

when we first moved to our town, i didn't know anyone. My husband had been in the forces for awhile and we had moved, like 5 times in 2 years (i'm not kidding!!!) and i was soooo fed up with getting to know people etc. Anyways, i had been talking to a girl at a tumble tots thing and had exchanged phone#s and always said we would get together, but it never really happened...until one day there she was at the front door. Luckily i was out of my pyjamas and the house was reasonable. Anyways long story short: we've been friends for nearly 5 years. Thankfully she had the nerve to do it (she later said she was crapping it!!!) good luck!!

Oh this is sooooo refreshing, I thought I was a bit of a freak/ stalker. I cringe inside whils waiting on the playground. Lots of cliques and I have tried to join in, I talk to one Mum but as soon as her friends arrive I am just blanked. I don't worry about it too much, as I have friends outside of this and don't particularly want to be friends with the other Mums, just want to be friendly. Worry that my unpopularity will affect mt kids, ie DS will not be invited to parties, tea etc cos I dont know the Mum.

Agree it is difficult to make friends though and move from the'Hi how are you' phase to proper mates. I have moved twice to other parts of the country, and if you do meet someone you would like to be a friend you do have to swallow your pride . Chances are they would jump at the chance to make a new friend too. Maybe turn the topic to new films and if it is a particularly girly one, say ' I would love to see that film but my DH would never come with me, do you fancy a night out, we could go together?' or similar?

Hi WriggleJiggle - I'm from near St Albans and don't have many friends! How about it?

I'm vaguely near St Albans - about 30 mins drive - in Barnet.
Maybe our solution is right here on this board!!

I'm vaguely near St Albans - about 30 mins drive - in Barnet.
Maybe our solution is right here on this board!!

Hi
I'm quite close to St Albans too! I live in Barnet which is about 30 mins drive - come up to St Albans quite a lot to see my SIL and a friend I used to work with.

Oh I am such a numpty! I posted the first message twice as it seemed to not have gone through and then thought I'd lost it so wrote another, different one. Still suffering from preg brain even though ds is 16 months

Hi WriggleJiggle, TootToot and boo64 I live in Colney Heath, St Albans and work in Hatfield opposite Galleria Mon and Fri all day and Tues morn. But would love to meet some new people to do something with Tues afternoons Wed & Thurs. My ds is 3.5 and goes to local nursery class in the mornings and dd is 1.5.