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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

rejected by OM

54 replies

lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 00:19

NC for this.

So I have had intense feeling for a guy I work with for over a year now, a few months ago I told him how I felt. He told me he had a gf and that he was happy in his relationship and was not willing to put it in jeopardy. I am married and this is the only other guy I have had any kind of feelings for. So at first I thought it was because he was special or the one or that it meant something?

Now I am not sure, I am really confused, maybe it just meant that I needed to try harder with my marriage.

But maybe I should leave my husband I mean despite not have even touched him/brushed passed him I cant stop thinking about him... I feel awful.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 18/01/2015 00:56

OK. You approached a man even though you are married.

What is going on in your marriage?

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/01/2015 01:06

Work out what is wrong in your marriage and for goodness sake, talk to your husband!!

An affair is not the answer and I'm glad this man you approached has morals enough to reject you.

The one thing my STBXH did was talk to me before he caused a whole world of hurt for me.

RedandCurlyHair · 18/01/2015 01:14

Was the other guy all that? or was he just handsome? Is he very good company? I think sometimes you can just fall for somebody.

Nothing is going to come of it because he doesn't feel the same way.

Do you feel 'at least I'm with my H' or does being with your H make you feel the loneliness worse?

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/01/2015 01:19

Argh, it's very late!

I meant my STBXH didn't talk to me before he started his affair.

Casmama · 18/01/2015 01:36

You need to figure out why you had such intense feelings for someone who had no interest in you. Daydreaming is fine but if it allows you to delude yourself into acting inappropriately then it is not ok.

Of course you need to work on your marriage before throwing in the towel.

BOFster · 18/01/2015 01:52

He's not an Other Man, as usually understood on mumsnet at least; he's simply someone you've got a crush on who isn't interested. Sorry to sound harsh, but you need a reality check.

I don't know what's going on in your marriage, but you might benefit from some individual counselling to work out why you are sabotaging yourself like this.

mynewpassion · 18/01/2015 03:54

Good for him. What a great guy.

You, on the other hand, needs to take a look at your marriage and your life.

torontonian · 18/01/2015 05:23

I fell terribly for one of my classmates but at the time I was dating another guy. I know that you can be in a relationship and fall in love with someone else, but at that point you need to make a decision. Out of respect you shouldn't play the field. You chose the new guy and you should be consistent and see that you already made the decision to break your marriage.
In my opinion, you really need to think if your husband is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your acts say he isn't but it could have been an impulse and you really love him. If not, you should look for your happiness, break up and be fair to him.

magoria · 18/01/2015 07:42

If this guy hafd suggested an affair or leaving current partners and getting together would you have done so?

If yes. Leave your H and let him find someone who respects him and won't cheat.

Then you can do what you want.

Nice to know there are decent blokes out there.

AuntieStella · 18/01/2015 08:14

Mild crush: happens so frequently that it falls within normal, provided that it's just a private fantasy and allowed to fade rapidly.

Actually propositioning another man (which I assume is what led to the rejection) isn't typical, and shows a total lack of respect for the spouse and the notion of monogamous marriage.

Now, no-one has to be monogamous. But if you both have entered into a monogamous relationship, it is simply not fair for one to change such a fundamental underpinning without the consent of the other. Betrayal is shit.

But you can move on from this. Other posters might see more options, but I see two basic choices:
a) recognising such a near miss as a wake up call, really learning from the experience and working wholeheartedly on your marriage
b) again a wake up call, but learning that you've outgrown your marriage, and therefore ending it, leaving you both free to find relationships more fulfilling than this marriage.

You made the choices that got you to this point. You now need to choose what you are going to do next, and get on with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 09:34

Crushes are normal. Being married doesn't mean you switch off emotionally or that you can't respond sexually to another man. Approaching the object of the crush crosses a line however. Only you know if there is something wrong with your marriage and, if there is, I'd urge you work out what it is and either make a joint effort to address it with your husband or make a clean break if it can't be fixed. Going around offering yourself to other people won't make you feel good and it won't help your marriage.

brandis · 18/01/2015 09:58

I can't believe some of the comments here. Why don't we award a medal to this work guy for being faithful? This is not an achievement, in a reverse situation men would never praise a woman for rejecting another man's advances because her fidelity would be presumed and expected, not something to commend her on.

For all we know, this guy may be simply not attracted to the OP (sorry OP, I mean it in the nicest possible way) so having a girlfriend was a handy explanation. With another woman, we don't know how 'great' he would be.

And OP did not 'offer' herself, for God's sake, she admitted her feelings to him. Be nice people, she is confused and embarrased already and does not deserve the patronizing comments she is receiving here.

CurlyRedHairfor2015ok · 18/01/2015 10:02

yeh, he doesn't deserve an award I agree with you. He might not even have been attracted to her. I've fancied men who haven't fancied me back. In fact it rarely seems to happen mutually. So I'm not picturing this man Doing The Right Thing, in the face of great temptation.

He was probably thinking 'you? what?'

CurlyRedHairfor2015ok · 18/01/2015 10:02

ps , yes, I agree, there's a different between admitting your feelings and offering yourself up on a plate. So I don't want to be too blunt to the OP. Although I probably have been. Better to put this behind her though.

Chaseface · 18/01/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 10:09

We're all grown ups. When one adult 'admits feelings' to another and gets the response that the person is happy with their girlfriend, then the intention is implicit. If he'd said yes, I don't think the OP would have been expecting poetry .... Hmm

brandis · 18/01/2015 10:39

Cogito, that's a pretty insulting post. Are you saying that whenever a woman admits to a guy that she likes him she should never expect no more than a booty call? Or would it be so just because she is married?

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 10:41

TBH I don't know what I would have done if my feelings had been reciprocated if I would have done something or not.

There are some issues within my marriage but I am not trying to excuse what I have done. I feel like an idiot and have made a feel fool of myself with this other guy. But what I am more worried about is why I did it and does this mean that my marriage is over.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 10:44

Let's put it another way..... what response were you hoping for when you declared your feelings?

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 10:44

BTW I have handed in my notice at work as I have had a role change recently resulting from most of my department being made redundant and this new role doesn't suit me. So in terms of seeing him it is a moot point.

OP posts:
Sundayplease · 18/01/2015 10:45

Your post and title shows that you are more worried about being rejected by this man than the state of your marriage and feelings for your husband. I wouLd start with that, especially as this guy is not interested.

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 10:50

I just wanted for him to speak to me, I have to work with him quite closely at one part during the day and neither of us spoke to each other. I originally just asked him if I had done something to offend him and that is why he never spoke to me. He said no and that he is just sometimes in his own world in work and had a lot on his mind. So I then said I would like to be friends as it would make working together easier. I think then I just started over thinking things and a few weeks later I told him that I really liked him and that I think about him all the time. He admitted that he found me attractive and was shy around me because of it and that is why he never speaks to me. He said that despite liking me nothing was going to happen because of his GF. I said it was for the best because I would not have been able to do anything because I am married.

I don't know what I wanted, I really dont.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 10:51

OP you have said nothing about your marriage for anyone to be able to judge if there's anything wrong with it. Lust for others can happen completely in isolation, it can be a response to there being a need that isn't being fulfilled, it can be an expression of selfishness, some kind of revenge, anxiety driven by low self esteem, egoism........

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 10:56

My marriage is not the greatest, my husband has very little interest in me sexually. I could probably count the number of times we have had sex in that last 3 years on two hands. He is also very much a mummy's boy and I have taken on that role. I am his comforter he wants me to mother him if that makes sense.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:07

So you have a bad marriage, devoid of physical intimacy with someone who prioritises Mum.... Declaring your feelings to the man at work, in that context, appears to be an attempt to feel wanted/liked/loved. That assessment shouldn't come as a shock.

So what are you going to do with your life?