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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

rejected by OM

54 replies

lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 00:19

NC for this.

So I have had intense feeling for a guy I work with for over a year now, a few months ago I told him how I felt. He told me he had a gf and that he was happy in his relationship and was not willing to put it in jeopardy. I am married and this is the only other guy I have had any kind of feelings for. So at first I thought it was because he was special or the one or that it meant something?

Now I am not sure, I am really confused, maybe it just meant that I needed to try harder with my marriage.

But maybe I should leave my husband I mean despite not have even touched him/brushed passed him I cant stop thinking about him... I feel awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 11:13

No perhaps not a shock and have spoken to my husband about it and we have been to relate but he doesn't agree with counselling. My husband also plays a lot of video games at least 4 hrs a day and more at the weekend.

I don't know what I am going to do. I guess I was looking for opinions as to if I had over stepped the line by admitting my feelings to this other guy. Though I do know the answer.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:20

You crossed a line with the workmate but your husband is crossing a pretty big line of his own condemning you to a loveless marriage and appearing not to be too bothered about it.

While two wrongs don't make a right, the very worst thing you could do now is to feel so guilty about your crush/declaration that you stay trapped where you are. Please start to think about ending the marriage. Confide in someone you trust, take advice, and start imagining how life would work if you were independent.

kaykayred · 18/01/2015 11:32

I don't think what you did was in any way right, but at the same time, I think a reason why you did it might have been because your colleague represented the opposite of your husband. Someone who was independent, didn't look to you to mollycoddle him, could manage perfectly well on his own, and you might have subconsciously picked up on the slight attraction as well.

If your husband "doesn't agree" with counselling, and has done little to address the issues as you have raised them (providing that you HAVE raised them), then in all fairness I think it's time you told him that you want a divorce.

It sounds like you are married to a teenager rather than an equal partner.

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 11:37

I think my husband and I are both aware of the issues in our marriage. I guess what I am trying to figure out if this is/was a sign that I have emotionally checked out of my marriage.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:39

I think only you know how you feel. However, I also think it's pretty evident that your husband has emotionally checked out of your marriage. What is stopping you from calling it a day?

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 11:50

Being a coward, causing a whole world of hurt for people I care about. Scared of being on my own with no home or job.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 11:50

I don't think it's a sign. We are all attracted to other people at times. If we are single, we can act on it and risk rejection. If we are not single, we acknowledge the feeling is there but that nothing will happen because we are already committed to someone else. That's it really, no big drama.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, you should leave it. Then you will be single and free to follow your instinct which is telling you to look elsewhere for what you need.

Meerka · 18/01/2015 11:51

I think that you're married to a (lazy) teenager too.

Fine to be attracted to other men, but do free yourself of this man-child first.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 11:55

Who would be hurt if your marriage ended? Do you have children? Is your home rented or mortgaged? Why would you be homeless? Why would you lose your job?

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 12:31

Me my husband our families, no I don't have any children. If I were it would be a miracle.

I have handed in my notice at work because of recent job change due to restructuring and them making my department redundant - I was offered another role in the company but it is not for me. Our house is mortgaged in his name as I was still studying 7 years ago when we bought it.

WIBU to give my husband a sort of ultimatum and if things don't improve within the next 4-6 months we have a trial separation?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2015 12:39

There's only you and your husband in the marriage. Your families live their own lives and have made their own choices. So it is entirely between you how you resolve the problem and, given that he seems OK about hurting your feelings on a daily basis, I think you can risk a little hurt in return.

Certainly tell him that, if the problems continue, you can't see much if a future for your marriage. That way you're on the same page. Only issue ultimatums, however, if you have a pretty good plan & you're 100% prepared to follow through.

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 12:48

Thank you so much ergo, my head is spinning.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 18/01/2015 12:58

I don't think you should have resigned your job OP. Did you take advice at the time? If they offered you something unsuitable, you may have been able to claim redundancy. Is it too late to look into that?

BlueBrightBlue · 18/01/2015 14:11

Please don't resign; I know you are bound to feel incredibly uncomfortable with this situation, but jobs are so scarce nowadays.

Look FWIW you've told this guy how you feel about him and I think it's a good thing in a way because sooner or later you could have done something really silly like make a pass at him or something that really could have landed you in hot water.

Does a part of you hope that be making the drastic decision of resigning that it might make him want you all the more?

I think it's better that he has been honest with you about loving his girlfriend and so forth; at least you won't have months or even years wondering if he was the one that got away IYSWIM.?

Your marriage seems pretty dead on the rocks TBO but I would give it one last stab at trying to improve the situation.

DistanceCall · 18/01/2015 16:11

If your husband sees you and treats you as a surrogate mother, the marriage is dead. I know this from personal experience.

As for this man - he is not the Other Man. You have not had an affair with him. You made a bit of a fool of yourself, but that's not the end of the world. Apologise if you like, tell him that you're going through a hard patch, and back off him. That's it.

And I would suggest getting a divorce. You only live once.

DistanceCall · 18/01/2015 16:14

And no, you don't need any empirical "reasons" to get divorced. You clearly don't feel loved, and that is hell on earth.

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 16:32

Thank you all for your advice.

Yeah maybe there is a part of me that thinks if I resign he may like me more but that is just fools hope I know. But tit is more that I really don't like my new role and I don't think I have the skills to do the job properly.

I think maybe if my job was not at risk then I would not have said anything to him anyway. I think I saw it as I had to say something before I was made redundant and never saw him again.

OP posts:
Sundayplease · 18/01/2015 16:42

That is plain daft to think he would like you more if you resign (eh?) but at least you are being honest with yourself. Do what you would do if he wasn't there at all.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/01/2015 20:13

He has been honest about admitting to you that he has felt a sexual attraction.
For that matter I would feel a bit more comfortable about staying put for a while until something better comes along.-
What this man has said confirms that you are a good prospect for meeting other available men. He has not put you down in any way, so don't be ashamed or embarrassed by you actions.
I have been you OP, it's about the environment not the person.
Give your marriage another 6 months and then decide what you really want.
We've all had mad crushes that take our breath away, it's an illusion I'm sorry to say, even if it is mutual, work on being the person you want to be,

GoatsDoRoam · 18/01/2015 22:35

You keep harping on about this man, and completely skirting the issue of your marriage.

Your marriage is REAL (although maybe it should be ended…)

This thing with that guy at work is NOT REAL. It is fantasy and obsession on your part.

Look at the REAL issue here.

Original poster
lostoncemore · 18/01/2015 23:45

Sorry for harping on. I am well aware of the situation, thank you.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 19/01/2015 01:48

Don't waste any more of your life on your husband.

4 hours a day on video games?!! No sex? He wants you to be his mother?

This relationship is over, that's why you fell for the other guy. He's just a catalyst for getting out of your miserable marriage.

If you want to give your husband an ultimatum say improvement in 6 months or it's over. Don't faff about with a 'trial separation', you're just stringing out the inevitable. If it were me I'd just end it now.

textfan · 19/01/2015 03:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveareadingthanks · 19/01/2015 14:09

Hi OP, you sound very confused, about your marriage, how you feel about your husband, what to do.

Simple question.

Do you still love your husband?
Does he still love you?

If the answer to ether of those is no, then you need to start thinking about ending your marriage. A half hearted one is soul destroying for everyone.

If it's a solid 'yes' to both, then you can start worrying about whether your problems are fixable or not.

BlueBrightBlue · 19/01/2015 22:41

How are you feeling today OM?
Inbox me if you want to offload or chat.

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