Practical solutions to single parenting! Help!

[TheDetective]

Re-posting here as I may get responses...! Sorry if you see this twice.

I've recently been forced in to single parenthood again. I have a 12 year old, 2 yr 1 month old, and am 18 weeks pregnant.

I live in a 3 bed house, which has a large living/dining room, small kitchen and smaller than average bedrooms.

I have a reliable car, and live in a medium sized North west town. I have a supermarket in walking distance along with other shops. There is a children's centre a very short walk away.

So, what should I be looking at to make my life as easy as possible later in pregnancy, and in the first year of my newborns life.

I would have liked some home help but I don't have any space for an au pair, or night nanny.

Newborn will share my room. I am going to completely redecorate and get new furniture in order to make the room a) comfortable for spending long periods awake in and b) practical for sharing with a baby and fitting a cot in eventually. It can't fit anything more than a Moses basket in at present. I intend to get something like a bedside cot, or cocoonababy. I don't have room for a chair, so I will invest in a super comfy bed with a mountain of pillows.

I intend to put my 2 year old in nursery 2 days a week, but 10-4 probably. I may do another half day depending if 2 year old enjoys it.

I think I'll get a cleaner for an hour twice a week to start also.

What am I missing? What services or products are going to make my life as easy as possible?

I have a disposable income of £1000ish possibly more. Childcare costs for registered childcare will not eat in to that by much as tax credits top that up quite considerably. I don't actually want to put my 2 year old in childcare, and if my husband hadn't left, there is no way I'd have sent him as my husband only worked 2.5 days a week so there would have been 2 of us to give our time to him, and it would have been fine.

I've no idea long term what dickhead husband is going to do or be like. So I need to be prepared for being completely alone.

I've also got an added complication in that if I make it to 34 weeks pregnant, I will be admitted to hospital for observation until I have a c/s as I have a grade 4 placenta praevia. So I really need to get everything in place ASAP. And need to consider that I'll be recovering from surgery as well as having 3 children on my own. I'll also likely be anaemic, and may have also ended up with a hysterectomy (very likely).

I already contacted the HV and she told me there is nothing at all in the area which would be of help to me.

So I'm on my own with this to deal with. Mum works FT and isn't able to be here more than once a week to do a short visit or pick up a few things at the shops for me. Dad lives 200 miles away, spends 4-5 months of the year abroad. So he would visit for a weekend, but that's it.

No siblings. No other family to speak of. Grandparents dead, only living one moved to Aus 12 years ago.

Have some friends, but most are colleagues. And all bar one work and have children and families of their own.

I know its shit. I just need some practical advice and help!

If you aren't BF you can get a machine that makes up bottles for you super quick.

Going by what you have said I already think you are very well prepared.

You sound incredibly together. Can you get someone to help you at home when 2yo is at nursery so you can catch up on sleep?

Start your two year old at nursery before the new baby arrives so they don't feel pushed out, and in case they have issues settling in. It sounds counterintuitive, but in many ways doing 3 days might be better for your DC as they will feel more settled at the nursery.

Who will be looking after the children if you have to be admitted to hospital?

Your 12 year old will be easily old enough to help. Can they cook? If not, learning a few recipes now might be sensible, as then it takes the pressure off you being the only person able to prepare a meal.

Is there a local NCT group? Having some 'mummy friends' will make your life easier.

Do you have microwave, tumble drier and dishwasher? If not, buy if possible

Oh gosh. I remember your post on the split. I wish I was nearby, I'd help.

I would say think about timing your 2 year old's nursery to maximise chances for you to rest- in late pregnancy and with newborn.

Kit- you probably want a double buggy, ideally an in-line sort. Or a buggy board.

Do you have a big chest freezer, or somewhere you could put one? and a microwave. Lots of meals frozen up will help.

What does your 12 year old eat at lunch? It sounds silly, but lunches are a stress of a morning. Can they have dinners or can you spend this time teaching them how to pack a lunch?

Online food shopping.

Yes, I've got the TT perfect prep in mind should bf not work out. It didn't work out last time for practical reasons (not having the time it took to devote to it). Will be trying again this time, but aware of having even less time than before. Will have to take it as it comes!

I don't feel together, but I am a stubborn boot who will not let life defeat me. Knowing I have more than he could ever hope to imagine is what keeps me going. Realising he will never love his children in the same way gave me the kick up the bum to at least look like I'm together, even when my heart is beyond repair.

I had a search on childcare.co.uk and a general Google, but there isn't much out there in terms of maternity nanny's/doulas/mothers help etc etc in my area. I'm in NW England, half way between 2 major cities. I suspect you could get that kind of help there. But I'm 20 miles away, and people aren't willing to travel that far....

I just wish I had space for someone to stay here. Short of me sleeping on the sofa (which isn't practical after surgery or with a newborn really!) there isn't a lot I can do.

It's so frustrating. Ideally my husband would mature and get a giant fucking grip on life. But that is extremely unlikely. He won't even deal with the fallout from his actions.

Can your 12 year old get to school under his/her own steam? If you are currently needing to drive them, look into options to avoid that.

Drastic- but would moving house improve things for you? Getting another bedroom (or a separate dining room you could use) would widen your options?

once your 2yr old is settled at nursery find out if the staff can provide a mothers help service. when my dc's were small I sometimes had nursery staff come round for 90 mins at Bath / bedtime or for a couple of hours at the weekend.

I became single with three under six, one of whom was under one and I was also heavily pregnant with my fourth. I have no family and had no disposable income. It's overwhelming but entirely do-able. You're going to be fine.

Can you arrange a live in nanny for the time surrounding the birth and shortly afterwards? I understand that space is limited for you but could the 12 and 2 year olds share, for that short period, in order to free up bed space?

Shop online, if you don't already. There's nothing which can't be delivered to your door!

Make use of nursery time, if this works for you. In the early days, I actually found the extra commitment caused more stress than less.

Your twelve year old might enjoy being involved? My family is quite large and everybody does a little to help these days. It's fun!

If you are thinking of having a cleaner (great idea!), also consider using a laundry service which collects and delivers.

These are probably the various things I'd have found helpful back then

This might sound drastic. Can you turn your living room into a 'bedsit' bedroom for you and the new baby arranged so that your other 2 dc can enjoy it as a family room, give other 2 dc best bedrooms (12 yo own tv? or whatever would make it as bearable as possible) in order to make space for someone to live in for 6 months to a year.

Is it a knocked through room? Could you use eg IKEA Kallax as a room divider?

Apologies if impractical.

The second para of your last post struck a chord with me TheDetective. Boot up the backside is what I needed tonight ;-)

Use subscribe and save on Amazon for:
nappies
wipes
any other baby essentials
stuff you get a lot, eg coffee

Get your shopling delivered weekly. Asda is vg, they have an app.

If you like reading, get a stock of books in, or films, get Netflix or box sets or similar. Get good snacks in before the baby arrives. Anything which will make it easier during the night.

Use pre made formula to save loads of faff, definitely when out and about and also at night.

Cleaner is a great idea and as a pp said, if they or someone else can pick up dirty clothes and drop off clean and dry washing that would be so helpful.

What about a mothers help? I got one in not to dissimilar circumstances. She is amazing. Does what ever I want, cooks cleans or takes baby. Does general chores, will put big ones to bed. Couldn't recommend her more.

I actually ended up finding her on gumtree, I searched loads of websites like the ones you've mentioned but there's not quite the same thing on there. I know you've said you're quite far away but sometimes an older local lady is looking for a not to time consuming job? I placed an ad and had tonnes of responses. So might be worth considering.

Would also second the nct group - if you click the support can be invaluable.

I'm a slow iPad typer! Sorry!

12 year old is generally one of the better behaved ones, he does the following already: washes dishes badly, but not as bad as dickhead husband, can put a load of washing on, knows how to sort a dark and white load, makes his own lunches for school, goes to the supermarket for me as required, irons his own school uniform and other clothes well, he says he irons it at least.... He also watches the 2 year old while I'm busy cleaning, showering etc. He can Hoover too, but it isn't the most thorough of jobs. He rakes rubbish out and puts the wheelie bin out.

So he does a lot already. And I'm very reluctant to pile more on him. He probably could cook a meal, but to be honest, he already cooks for himself on days where I just can't face eating. I need to feel I'm doing at least something for him and I do enjoy cooking when I can eat!

I don't want him to feel like he is carrying me and his little brothers. But I'm aware that he has to help out, because none of us have much choice thanks to dickhead.

He does get a respite once a week where he is at his dad's. And once I'm finished work (soon most likely) he won't have to take as much on as he is now. I've encouraged him to join clubs and things he can't do now due to my shift working and being unable to take him to them.

2 year old is now in FT childcare after being thrown in to it due to aforementioned dickhead being his main carer then abandoning his responsibilities. He's in more than FT childcare actually, as I'm currently working night shifts so I have a CM for the day, and pay a young girl to stay here for the night times. :(

Once I'm finished work (GP has offered to sign me off but I'm not ready for that yet - but likely to be mid feb) ip he won't be going to the CM as I've found a brilliant little nursery which I prefer. Only reason he can't go now is because I need a CM due to shifts. I plan to start him with 2 half days and build it up over a month or two. I will need time for appointments, myself, cleaning, shopping, preparing for baby. And I don't want him to feel like he only goes because of the new baby.

I haven't yet resolved the issue of childcare if I am admitted. If no one steps up, then they have to go in to foster care, or I discharge myself and take that risk. I did ask the HV what the options would be - and that is it, family step up or foster care.

I'm finding seeing happy families pretty distressing. I looked at NCT groups but they are all couples classes. I'm not ready for that yet... The children's centre run lots here, and I could go to something every day. So will hopefully make some more friends that way. One of the friends I made last time is exepecting her 2nd at the same time as me. So hopefully I'll have at least one friendly face. Also the people who run the classes there already know me. I'm hopeful that will all help.

I have a drier and microwave. I have no space at all for a dishwasher or chest freezer. I would kill for a dishwasher .

Double buggy - I wasn't going to get one before as there should have been no need with dickhead being at home most of the time. We could have used the two prams we have. But obviously it's going to be more practical to have one now. I think I'll get the Oyster Max. 2nd hand. As I hadn't budgeted for one. I might actually wait til baby arrives to get it to be honest.

I've got a CM GT and I've bought a maxi cosi pebble and the adapters and car seat base are on my next things to buy. I have a woven wrap, and intend to get a stretchy sling also. I think the caboo is the one I'll go for. I'll go and try some out around 30 weeks through so I can get one sorted before baby comes.

Another thing I need to consider is a Prem baby. Theres a high chance of that. My previous babies have been born at 40+13 and 40+20. This one will be born at 37 weeks, or sooner if repeated bleeding or a large bleed occurs.

I've been to see my GP, and asked to be referred for counselling. If anyone has done this, did it help? I've no idea what counselling involves. I just know I'm so angry and I hate feeling this way. I want to feel at peace.

Really no space for a chest freezer? Even corner of the living room or something? As a temporary measure then sell on? Just thinking that sorting a meal is often the most stressful bit of the day.

How is your relationship with your 12 year old ' s dad. Would he take him/both if you were admitted?

I have found a slowcooker invaluable (single working mum) .

I am sure the people on the fostering board would be able to set your mind at rest about how that option might work. Much better that you have the chance to recover properly and know they are being properly looked after than end up with complications because you forced yourself back to 'normal' too soon.

A buggy board might be enough?

Some excellent ideas here!

Trying to reply to everything, sorry if I miss suggestions!

No option to move house unless I rent mine out and rent somewhere else. However my mortgage would be the sticking point there. House is actually in negative equity (no bad thing when it means dickhead walks away with sweet FA!) and is currently IO to allow me breathing space. To alter the mortgage would be a big error to be honest. So I'm going to have to work with what I've got.

I'm not sure if the room would work as a bedsit type thing. I'll have a think about it.

12 year old is in the box room in a high sleeper. He has tv, Xbox, laptop etc all in his room. So although small, he has space to escape.

Toddler is in middle room because of the toys, and the fact that he will be sharing with new baby once I can be sure they won't disturb each other. I don't think it would work well me, toddler and newborn in the same room. Toddler is NOT a reliable sleeper. Easily disturbed. So I need to reduce the risk of having 2 babies to deal with in the night.

Laundry wise, I don't generally iron my stuff. I deliberately buy stuff that needs minimal or no ironing for day to day, then iron my dresses as needed for days out etc. I iron all of the toddlers stuff bar night clothes and vests though which I'd resent paying someone else to iron such small clothes that might be destroyed with in 1 min of wearing!

I wish Aldi did home delivery! I resent paying tesco/Asda prices for food! I get nappies in Aldi so I'll still have to go to get the cheaper things I like from there. I guess a monthly aldi visit with Internet orders in between could work?

Premade formula, definitely. At least for some of the time! Only downside is, toddler has CMPI so quite possibly baby will too. Then it's not possible to get premade. If baby is CMPI, I won't be bf as I don't have what it takes to go DF. But at least toddler and baby can have the same meals I guess?! Swings and roundabouts...!

12 year old walks to school. After 5 years of 44 mile school runs daily, (including when toddler was a baby) I'm very glad of this fact! We are 0.7 miles from the high school. Phew.

Definitely going to look at gumtree/advertising locally for a mothers help. Even if it's just an hour a day to get toddler up, dressed and to childcare that would be amazing. I need something... All my disposable income will be able to go towards this help at least in the first 3 months. In fact, my dad throws money at most problems. So I suspect if I asked him for money to help me get help in, he'd cough up. He'd rather pay than do it himself .

The fostering would only be while I was an antenatal inpatient for the 3 weeks or so. They won't do it if you have been discharged. You would be seen as handing your children to social services for being unable to cope then .

Definitely no room for a chest freezer. There wasn't room for the drier! I blocked the backdoor to fit it I. No room anywhere else either.

12 year olds dad will have him if I'm admitted. But he said to me (I didn't ask) he couldn't have the toddler. I would expect him to either. But I guess I know either way now!

Stop ironing children's clothes

Do you have any friends who could have the toddler? I am at breaking point with my three and a husband who works away a lot, and I would still pitch in. People might surprise you with offers if talk openly around nursery etc about your situation?

Agreed! Ironing? I don't even know where mine is!

If your dad will help you to get help in, please do! My two youngest (50 weeks apart) rotata-woke/ fed throughout the night. I slept in half hour slots, here and there, for a couple of years but the early days were definitely where I could have done with help and particularly post birth.

To be honest, I don't want to be away from him :( He is very much a mummy mummy mummy type, and we have a very close and strong bond. I'm scared of him feeling palmed off everywhere.

And I don't really have anyone who would have him. Hence nursery really.

But I'm aware I need to give him some independence now. I just want it to be part of his routine, and consistent carers.

There are lots of people who would take him in dire emergency, ie hospital admission in the night. But all these people work, and no one could have him more than a day and night. I haven't got anything consistent or long term for him.

I wish I could stop ironing toddler clothes I used to iron tiny newborn sleep suits! I don't know why I do it! They look too crumpled to me otherwise!