Practical solutions to single parenting! Help!

[TheDetective]

Re-posting here as I may get responses...! Sorry if you see this twice.

I've recently been forced in to single parenthood again. I have a 12 year old, 2 yr 1 month old, and am 18 weeks pregnant.

I live in a 3 bed house, which has a large living/dining room, small kitchen and smaller than average bedrooms.

I have a reliable car, and live in a medium sized North west town. I have a supermarket in walking distance along with other shops. There is a children's centre a very short walk away.

So, what should I be looking at to make my life as easy as possible later in pregnancy, and in the first year of my newborns life.

I would have liked some home help but I don't have any space for an au pair, or night nanny.

Newborn will share my room. I am going to completely redecorate and get new furniture in order to make the room a) comfortable for spending long periods awake in and b) practical for sharing with a baby and fitting a cot in eventually. It can't fit anything more than a Moses basket in at present. I intend to get something like a bedside cot, or cocoonababy. I don't have room for a chair, so I will invest in a super comfy bed with a mountain of pillows.

I intend to put my 2 year old in nursery 2 days a week, but 10-4 probably. I may do another half day depending if 2 year old enjoys it.

I think I'll get a cleaner for an hour twice a week to start also.

What am I missing? What services or products are going to make my life as easy as possible?

I have a disposable income of £1000ish possibly more. Childcare costs for registered childcare will not eat in to that by much as tax credits top that up quite considerably. I don't actually want to put my 2 year old in childcare, and if my husband hadn't left, there is no way I'd have sent him as my husband only worked 2.5 days a week so there would have been 2 of us to give our time to him, and it would have been fine.

I've no idea long term what dickhead husband is going to do or be like. So I need to be prepared for being completely alone.

I've also got an added complication in that if I make it to 34 weeks pregnant, I will be admitted to hospital for observation until I have a c/s as I have a grade 4 placenta praevia. So I really need to get everything in place ASAP. And need to consider that I'll be recovering from surgery as well as having 3 children on my own. I'll also likely be anaemic, and may have also ended up with a hysterectomy (very likely).

I already contacted the HV and she told me there is nothing at all in the area which would be of help to me.

So I'm on my own with this to deal with. Mum works FT and isn't able to be here more than once a week to do a short visit or pick up a few things at the shops for me. Dad lives 200 miles away, spends 4-5 months of the year abroad. So he would visit for a weekend, but that's it.

No siblings. No other family to speak of. Grandparents dead, only living one moved to Aus 12 years ago.

Have some friends, but most are colleagues. And all bar one work and have children and families of their own.

I know its shit. I just need some practical advice and help!

I suffered terribly with sleepless nights last time. I do not cope well with them. I'm unable to fall back to sleep between wakings too. Although I think the toddler was a particularly unsettled baby which contributed to the insomnia I had. He would just wake continuously, randomly, no pattern or routine.

I am praying for a zen like baby. It will be routine led straight away, which doesn't come naturally to me, but for sanity reasons, it will be for the best.
I was at breaking point at 4 months last time. When he was 6 months old and going through yet another regression, I was so delirious with sleep deprivation that I threatened to walk out and lie down on the main road outside and get run over just so I could get some fucking sleep.

The only thing which I think I might have going for me this time is that dickhead won't be here, so the resentment of him either sleeping through it, or me having to kick him to wake him for 'his turn' because he would sleep for hours through the crying won't be there. I think that was partly the issue with falling back to sleep. We'll see....! No sweaty, snoring 15 stone lump next to me... Much better for going back to sleep!

Hi Detective

Blimey! You sound very cool calm and collected. I live in the north west and would be very happy to help you out a little when the baby is born if you live in the same middle sized town as I do! My user name is a bit of a give away so pm me if you live in the same county - you never know...

Thanks Cheshire! No, we don't, but if you live in the home of IKEA, then I'm not a million miles away?!

Maybe I'm coping better than I thought? Do I really sound together? I still keep crying and trying to block out what he has done. And what he continues to do!

I miss him terribly, but it's the him before I miss. Not this person I've discovered he is. I just want the old him back. But that can never and will never happen.

I'm painfully aware of the fact that I'm going to be put through the hardest years of my life. I'm just hoping I can survive it completely intact. I wish I could see what my future would hold. It's a terrifying prospect right now.

I would love to find people in similar situations to me for mutual support. I guess not many people will be going through this. Thankfully. But that makes it even harder at times!

My profession is actually probably the worst one to be in and be going through all of the above in! It hurts to go to work, and it hurts to be at home!

Yep, I have to say that aside from the fucking sleep deprivation (which also wasn't improved by errant partner anyway!), on the whole, I found it a lot easier to be without someone than resentful of someone. It was at times chaos (and at times still is!) but very much a happy kind of chaos. When people have asked how I managed it, I often say 'I didn't think about it, I just did it!' and that is really key to having got through it, for me. I had no choice but to believe it was possible and that i could manage, iyswim?

I can relate to what you said about seeing other 'happy families' too. When everything was raw, I found it devastating and I felt resentment - then we became one too. It's not a lesser family type, just a different one. I worried about the effect upon my dc, of me being stretched so far - but they are happy and well adjusted children! (...and I'm still feeling quite relieved about that!).

I just posted a long reply and my iPad died just when I went to post! And I lost it all! Arghhhhh!

You are right, you just have to do, and not overthink it. I overthink a lot. I can't cope with feeling out of control and it's my way of dealing with it.

What about home start? Have you contacted them to see if they can help you out?

Also the children's centre might have family support workers who could help you. Health visitors don't always know everything that's available.

Do your family know that your toddler would have to go into foster care if you were admitted? If you're in hospital then your bed will be free -could someone not come and stay?

Defibitely definitely ask your dad for cleaner / home help money.

Also even if you dont want to do nct classes, you can still go to their events. And get on their local facebook group. You'll at least get advice about playgroups etc. In fact I would join any mums group going, just to know people. It won't help immediately but it could certainly help in six months or a year.

If your local college has childcare courses there may be someone in need of work experience?
They may be able to come and entertain 2yo whilst you are feeding or sleeping with your baby?

There's nothing wrong with planning! But if, in the midst of it, doubt creeps in - don't think, just do .

Honestly, you will probably find yourself so busy, that even over thinking goes by the wayside. I almost found that a relief! I analyse everything from every angle and a hundred times over, usually.

The HV told me funding for homestart was withdrawn a few years ago. She said there was nothing in the area at all now expect for families that had significant problems (CAF/child in need/child protection) and we don't meet thankfully any of that criteria.

I did look up homestart but couldn't find it in my area - now I know why!

Yes, my family know, but there is nothing any of them can do as they are all working bar from my dad, who would just throw money at the problem. I'm not sure what money could realistically do with 3+ weeks of 24/7 childcare and needing someone to bring him to see me daily so he would know mummy hadn't abandoned him as well as daddy . I'll be at a hospital that isn't local to my home. Would require driving 25 mins to. No public transport option.

I'm just praying his dad will open his eyes and realise what he is doing.

I think you should be able to pay someone to help. Start now with finding them and getting them to babysit then get them to do the days/weeks when the time comes.

You can always get someone if you pay enough. If you start now you should be able to find the right person that you are happy with.

You could try advertising in shop window, college, NCT with childminder register/coordinator, nurseries.

Would any of your family be willing to take a week off each to cover the 3 weeks?

I knew someone in this position whose DC went into foster care and it actually worked very well. The Dc stayed in touch with the foster 'aunt' they liked her so much and she offered the mum some support too.

Detective, I think that hoping for your H to come back is the wrong thing to do. He doesn't sound like an asset. Your life is undeniably going to be hard over the coming few years, but the good thing about doing it on your own is that you can absolutely rely on yourself.

Can the girl who is looking after your toddler at night at the moment not help after the birth?

Solasmum, I don't want him 'back'. I want to be able to parent with him completely though. As in be able to enjoy our children while they are little - the time goes so quickly. I don't want to miss out on anything, and I had hoped he wouldn't too. Right now I don't think he even loves his children.

And that hurts like hell.

When I said open his eyes to what he is doing - I mean step up to care for him when I am in hospital.

I haven't mentioned on here but the advice from my consultant is for me to always have a companion due to the nature of the pregnancy complication. I have told him this. He would rather my life and his child's life was put further at risk because he can't face up to what he has done (his words). He reckons he wants to move in after the birth. How long I asked him? He doesn't know 'however long it takes'. Takes to what? He couldn't answer. I pointed out the massive pitfalls in his suggestion. I pointed out the impact on the toddler on daddy leaving, daddy coming back after 6 months, then daddy leaving again. He didn't have an answer.

I asked why he thought things would be different in 6 months for him to be able to move back in. He said he would have had time to mature .

Basically, I have to forget any kind of help from him because it's clear he hasn't got a clue what he is doing.

The girl babysitting now is only 16, she's at college. She would do some evening babysitting, but that's it. This is just a temporary 3 week of 3 nights arrangement for her to stay here.

My mum is off for half term the week I am 36 weeks, so that is one potential week. The problem is she doesn't want to have the toddler full time. She doesn't like kids . Well, babies. She likes them when they are older.

The two weeks before that there is no one.

Why don't you ask your dad? I know you said he is far away, but if you are desperate, then it's only for two weeks.

He might just throw money at the problem, or he might help out, or have some other suggestions.

At least then you have crossed off that avenue?

That's shit about home start.

Are there any single parent charities you could ask for advice?

What would happen if you, or a friend, or your mum, or whoever, took your little boy round to his dad's house and just said "here you are"? Would he not just have to get it together and look after him?

Or if you said to your mum, "I don't want to ask you but I really need your help" and just tell her that it's her or social services. By that point, would you really care that she doesn't like babies?

Perhaps you also need to make contact with social services to try to get things organised in advance if possible. They might be able to find someone who could look after your little boy who was local, who could bring him to the hospital to see you etc. I'm sure it would be easier for them with some advance planning.

TheDetective you really do sound very together! Even if you don't feel it. You seem to have a lot of the practical aspects covered, certainly the suggestions I was going to make.

I was in a similar spot two years ago but with good family support. Like you I was expecting the baby's first year to be utter hell, it wasn't. Don't underestimate the difference that not having a dickhead around makes - especially on things like sleeping, much easier when not you are not on edge.

The Children's Centre is my lifeline, like a pp suggested not just grown up company and toddler activities but advice as well. Much better informed than the health visitor.

You have a large house, reliable car, disposable income of £1000 a month, a cleaner, and childcare and shops a short walk away.

I don't think you'll struggle as a single parent somehow ...

I know there is Gingerbread, I did have a look at their site a few weeks ago. I'll go back and look again.

To be honest, something will have to be done, whatever it is. I'll face that a little nearer the time. I am trying to not over think that scenario. I might not even make it to 34 weeks if I have a big bleed. I could end up just having the baby earlier. It's very much the unknown right now which is why I'm concentrating on other aspects.

I am hoping that dickhead will attend a consultant appointment with me in 3 weeks where he will be told the risks in no uncertain terms. The consultant is a colleague. She's fully aware of my situation. She won't hold back in telling it to him like it is. Thankfully.

I sent my dad a message when the praevia was found, and told him the problem and risks. He hasn't replied. It's been 2 weeks. He has never been there for me, only with money. As I say, he just throws money at problems. Whether that's a good or bad thing, I'm not sure. I'm grateful sure, but sometimes it's support that you need, not money!

I'm aware of the positives I have here. Last time I did this I just had one 6 year old child, not 3 children with one of those a newborn. I actually struggled massively last time, emotionally and practically. I hated every aspect of single parenting. I was incredibly lonely. This keeps eating away at me and making me doubt I can do this. That and the fact that a newborn and all that it entails is a very frightening prospect.

I'm in a different situation now 6 years later. And although I still had the same basics back then (same house, own car, just starting out in my career) I just felt crazily out of my depth with no support and no friends. I won't go over the past, but I know things are different this time. But when you are reminded of your darkest days, it can be overwhelming at times.

I'm mostly afraid of the lonliness, having no one to enjoy my children with, and being angry at what he has done. That and the practicalities of shift work with 2 small children.

Ask your dad to help with funding maternity nurse asap.

detective - you sound super together. I'm really impressed

I was on a previous thread and I think you said there was an aunt that coukd help? If that's still feasible, can you get her coming to stay at weekends as much as possible to get used to your routine and help out?

Nursery - I am a SAHM with 23 months between my two. My oldest started at nyrsery two afternoons a week when littlest was about 2 months old. It's been great for him and he loves it. Personally, I think it's s really good thing for your DS to do so hope you look at it as a positive choice.

Amszon subscribe and save - brilliant. With subscribe and save, I can get pampers more cheaply than Aldi nappies works out for me as there is a 20% discount if you join the family thing. Then 15% off orders of more than 5 subscribe snd save things. You can cancel really quickly of you can find cheaper that month as they send you a monthly reminder email.

Supernarket internet shipping is a God send too.

Can I just stick my 2p in about your ex even though I know you were just asking for practical help. He sounds a totally unreliable dick. I'm an over thinker too and I would worry about putting any reliance on him at all. I think that could be mega stressful - worrying constantly that he will let you down. Particularly in early new born days when you are very vulnerable.

Sorry - 13 months between DS and DD

Sorry - just another thought but re: being alone - is there anyway you could get one of those necklace things that vulnerable elderly people have when you are at home alone. It's got a button on that you can press in an emergency?

Know probably not but wondered if you could ask the consultant, given your very specific circs it might be possible

Final, final point - if you are redecorating, can you get a comfortable new sofa bed in the lounge. Then if aunt/your mum/dad/Twatty ex are coming to stay, you've got somewhere to put them up and it's one less reason that you can't have paid help to stay if you decide to go down that route.

Will look in to Amazon! Is it really cheaper than Aldi ?!

Ivr just disordered table top dishwashers. I am definitely getting one of those. It can live on top of the drier!!

My mum thinks my aunt will help on the week she is away. I'm not sure what she will otherwise offer. She has arranged to visit soon and I expect we will have a conversation about help and practicalities etc so I will know where I stand with that. Which will help.

It doesn't help that at the moment I barely have time to do anything. I really think I need to finish work soon so I can focus on mine and my children's future. And prepare for it minus him.

If you expect the worst, you can't be let down right?!

Currently researching life insurance policies. In case this kills me. That's REALLY depressing. That and wondering if I die where will my children end up. Going to try and ignore that thought a little longer. I can't believe I'm having to deal with that all on my own. That alone is enough to trigger my anger.

Dickhead is due to come and talk tomorrow afternoon. But whatever he says can make no difference now, I can't trust or believe in him as he has repeatedly let me and the youngest down.

I had a bleed with a lot of abdo pain and cramps just before Christmas at 14 weeks. After some difficulty I managed to get hold of him and to give him credit, he did come to be with the children while I went to hospital. However he lacked any care or empathy throughout. He stood there less than 1m away from me and watched me break my heart crying believing I was loosing my baby. I arrived home and instead of saying he would stay to ensure I was okay, he was ready to walk out the door and leave me home with 2 children (it was 2am).

The next lunch time I sent him a text to say that the pain was now worse but the bleeding seemed to have stopped. He didn't reply. At around 1am that night I started bleeding again, heavier and with even more pain. Panicked at being alone with the 2 children again, I tried to call him. Again, difficulty in getting hold of him, even though he knew what had happened the previous night.

When I did get hold of him, he refused to come over. Just point blank refused. Pressed further, he claimed he had been drinking. (He doesn't usually drink, maybe twice a year maximum?). So he chose the night after I started bleeding to go and get pissed? Anyway, I said you need to get in a taxi and come here. He still refused. Said he had no money (which was true) so I said I would pay for it when he got here. He still refused.

Anyway, in the end, he did turn up about 1hr 10 after I originally contacted him. But my point is, what a selfish twat to do that. Just unbelievable really.

And it gave me a taste of exactly what support to expect from him.

I tell a slight lie

Just looked at my amazin orders. As the price goes up and down a bit, I was paying 10.5p per nappy (pampers 6) for most orders. Last order was 12p a nappy. Aldi are 11.6p a nappy. So you might end up paying slightly more one month but I just check the email from Amazon that comes before the order is dispatched to see that month's price and then decide or not. I always take amazin though as I use subscribe and save a lot so even if the nappies are marginally more expensive one month than aldi, I make enough savings on the nappy bin liners etc that I also order to make it worth while. Plus the convenience of it all cosi g right to the door on a monthly basis - never run out of nappies.

There are no words really re: your ex. He is unspeakable. If I were you, my preference would be to just facilitate contact with the children and not rely on him for anything re: you. He sounds like he is s risky making stressful situations much, much worse