Practical solutions to single parenting! Help!

[TheDetective]

Re-posting here as I may get responses...! Sorry if you see this twice.

I've recently been forced in to single parenthood again. I have a 12 year old, 2 yr 1 month old, and am 18 weeks pregnant.

I live in a 3 bed house, which has a large living/dining room, small kitchen and smaller than average bedrooms.

I have a reliable car, and live in a medium sized North west town. I have a supermarket in walking distance along with other shops. There is a children's centre a very short walk away.

So, what should I be looking at to make my life as easy as possible later in pregnancy, and in the first year of my newborns life.

I would have liked some home help but I don't have any space for an au pair, or night nanny.

Newborn will share my room. I am going to completely redecorate and get new furniture in order to make the room a) comfortable for spending long periods awake in and b) practical for sharing with a baby and fitting a cot in eventually. It can't fit anything more than a Moses basket in at present. I intend to get something like a bedside cot, or cocoonababy. I don't have room for a chair, so I will invest in a super comfy bed with a mountain of pillows.

I intend to put my 2 year old in nursery 2 days a week, but 10-4 probably. I may do another half day depending if 2 year old enjoys it.

I think I'll get a cleaner for an hour twice a week to start also.

What am I missing? What services or products are going to make my life as easy as possible?

I have a disposable income of £1000ish possibly more. Childcare costs for registered childcare will not eat in to that by much as tax credits top that up quite considerably. I don't actually want to put my 2 year old in childcare, and if my husband hadn't left, there is no way I'd have sent him as my husband only worked 2.5 days a week so there would have been 2 of us to give our time to him, and it would have been fine.

I've no idea long term what dickhead husband is going to do or be like. So I need to be prepared for being completely alone.

I've also got an added complication in that if I make it to 34 weeks pregnant, I will be admitted to hospital for observation until I have a c/s as I have a grade 4 placenta praevia. So I really need to get everything in place ASAP. And need to consider that I'll be recovering from surgery as well as having 3 children on my own. I'll also likely be anaemic, and may have also ended up with a hysterectomy (very likely).

I already contacted the HV and she told me there is nothing at all in the area which would be of help to me.

So I'm on my own with this to deal with. Mum works FT and isn't able to be here more than once a week to do a short visit or pick up a few things at the shops for me. Dad lives 200 miles away, spends 4-5 months of the year abroad. So he would visit for a weekend, but that's it.

No siblings. No other family to speak of. Grandparents dead, only living one moved to Aus 12 years ago.

Have some friends, but most are colleagues. And all bar one work and have children and families of their own.

I know its shit. I just need some practical advice and help!

I've just looked and Amazon is way more expensive for me . 14p per nappy . I tried it for all the things I use lots of and it all worked out more expensive! I'll try again in a few weeks and see!

I looked on gumtree at all combinations of cleaners/mothers help etc and there is nothing in my area or even close! I'm going to have to get creative on that one!

I'm going to struggle on facilitating contact as clearly it's going to have to be at my house at least to begin with. He is not taking my newborn anywhere. Not a bloody chance. I am also going to find it hard because I WANT to give him contact, as much as I possibly can, as in I can't bring it upon myself to damage this babies relationship with its father, while my toddlers remains intact, or at least sort of intact.

So reality is I'm looking at daily contact at least an hour if not twice daily contact. I mean it's not like he will be at work. Or doing anything productive with his time. And he is literally 2 minutes away. Not even 2 minutes actually! Newborns change so quickly it would feel wrong to make him go 2-3 days between contact.

Fuck this is hard!!

You need to join amszon family toget the 20% discount. That will take the price down

Re: contact. Easy for me to say, I know, but I would play it by ear just at the moment. However, much as it must pain you, you've definitely got the right approach to twat's ongoing relationship with the DC

What is this lazy arse doing? Does he have a job? If so, can you contact the Csa etc - is that all in hand?

Ah I see! I just looked at the price with the 5% discount! How confusing!

He has a job, part time 2.5 days a week. Pay is shit. He has made financial agreements with me. I'll actually be paying him, as my car is in his name, or at least the finance is. So really, he doesn't have a lot of choice to pay at the moment as the £200 comes out his bank. The £80 I agreed on means I give him £120 a month.

He has said he will be putting money away to pay half of birthday and Christmas presents. He said he will try and buy some of the items needed for the baby. I'm sceptical. He earns £500 a month. I can't really see it happening.

Yes - it is a bit confusing!

What a twat. Sorry - but my blood is boiling at the thought of you paying him so can't be doing your blood pressure much good

He sounds like a total waste of space. I thin k the more you can plan for (as you are) and the least you have to rely on him, the better.

Final "to do" - have you got a birthing partner etc?

At least me paying him puts me in full control there. For now at least! Should anything change, then yep, I'll go through whatever the new system is now.

I've done some reading today and I think he has a hell of a lot of narcissistic traits. I'm really having my eyes opened.

I haven't thought too much about who will be there. Now I know it will be a c/s it wouldn't bother me to be alone. But I'll have all my colleagues there with me as I work in the same department doing the same job . He said he will be there if I want him to be. Again, I'll have to see if he grows the fuck up before that can happen. The sadistic part of me wants him there to watch him squirm at everyone knowing what he has done and being unable to treat him with much other than contempt.

Have you tried netmums local noticeboard? Or join some local facebook groups? You could put an ad asking for what you'd ideally like?

Have you considered a Norland nanny?

If you can pay I think they will be able to arrange a nanny/maternity nurse for you at the Norland agency

You could put her up in a local B&B/hotel/rented apartment? Or move the toddler in with you (or her) and she could stay?

Or just keep her till the toddler goes to bed and get her to return earlyish in the morning.

It would all really add up financially, but if your dad could pay her salary and you and your mum her hotel, could it work?

OP you're amazing. I will never complain about anything again.

I think you need to stop thinking about him at all. You know you can't rely on him, so make your plans completely without him.

Stop contacting him, and stop arranging contact. It is HIS job to have a relationship with HIS children not yours. Yes, newborns change constantly, but it is HIS loss if he doesn't see those changes. You will be exhausted, hormonal, and recovering from major surgery. The last thing you want is to have a useless lump of a man breaking into your newborn bubble twice a day. Unless of course he is going to man up, to feed and entertain the toddler, actually help you. Your home is your sanctuary.

If you really want to see him squirm, perhaps you could suggest it is about time he got a full time job, now he is not looking after your toddler, so he can support HIS children properly. Maybe contributing to half presents is not good enough. Living with the Consequences of one's actions, and all that.

In a (horrible) way - it's quite good that you know the score re: birth and what to expect.

I agree with the poster who says that his relationship with the children is not your concern. Although I stand by my advice on an other thread (I think or it's a similar one) where I said to ensure that you facilitate contact between him and the DC if he requests it and make it clear that you will. The last thing you need is to be spending legal fees if this toss pot makes an application to the court.

I also strongly agree that he should be getting a full-time job. Putting half the money aside for presents. Wow - how big of him. To be honest, it sounds like he's had quite a cushy number with you. Time to put his big boy pants on. He has two children.

Re: going into hospital, I was thinking about this last night and wondered what your relationship was like with your oldest DS' father. Under the circs, I wouldn't hesitate to help you out if I was him