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Original poster

Has online dating made it more difficult?

76 replies

dontcallnotdating · 16/01/2015 23:19

As my username suggests, I'm off dating for the foreseeable and concentrating on being happily single. But I have a theory that rather than making it easier to find a relationship, online dating has actually made it much more difficult.

There seems, from my experiences, to be a glut of commitment-phobic mid thirties men, who know they can just move on to the next woman as soon as they are bored. People just don't seem to have staying power anymore.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/01/2015 23:24

There's a lot of crap to wade through but I met my DH on POF and we wouldn't have met otherwise.

AlleyCat11 · 16/01/2015 23:26

Social media in general has made it more difficult. I have friends, my age (38) who only know how to FB / Chat / OD.
They ask me "how do you meet men?". I tell them that I leave my house... Look over there! It's lots of men! They're everywhere. I've never done OD & have had plenty of boyfriends.
And yes, I've met lots of men who've had their senses warped by OD. Women too, though. I mean my mates all went to the pub & communicated in the traditional way. But they seem unable to do that now.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 16/01/2015 23:29

I just think people don't meet so much in the traditional way anymore. I know online dating can work, I just think it makes things much harder. There's too much choice and people don't settle.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 17/01/2015 01:26

Perhaps it is better not to have staying power though. Perhaps it's better to lose a man who isn't interested in you, quickly - precisely because he can move on quickly.

According to Woman's Hour this week, 25% of people meet new partners now via OD. That's loads - but still not the majority.

I do see your point, and I'm not sure. But my gut feel is that it's better to lose people quickly if they're not into you.

Makes me think of lower divorce figures 30 years ago, when people say that that generation worked harder to stay together. And I think Hmm or just more miserable people?

albal14 · 17/01/2015 10:46

I.M off OLD, after 2014 spending lots on Planet Romance.It just does,nt suit me along with FB .
I amb much happier meeting women naturally , eye contact and a smile is all you need right? Tho it is early in the year and as yet no success. Doing Dry Jan,and possibly Feb. so pubs is out of bounds for me.

I think it is easier for women , as they receive more messages, and they can't all bé numbskulls.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 12:10

I don't know. I think even if you're great together, there's always a nagging feeling that someone better is just around the corner. The minute you make a mistake - they are off...
On online dating I did receive lots of messages, but only a very tiny proportion led to dates.
Its good to have some choice, but online dating encourages a shallow internet shopping mentality. People are real and flawed, not items in a shop to discard when you're bored. I've encountered men online who've had a string of short relationships. Maybe they would be players with or without online dating - but it certainly makes it easy for them.

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LadyBlaBlah · 17/01/2015 12:12

I think it's just harder to meet someone in 30s and 40s anyway.

Just because you know a twat when you see one.

OD is not the problem IMO, indeed I think it's most excellent for sifting out said twats very quickly.

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 12:18

There just seem be a lot of said twats out there. Maybe I'm getting too cynical!

OP posts:
AlleyCat11 · 17/01/2015 12:19

The players are having a great time with it, no doubt. Any lad I've been out with who's that type, had a very active OD profile. But they would pick up women in RL too, the minute my back was turned. I think social media has made it easier for them... Decent fellas are still out there but perhaps have been stung fickle women. The effects of OD again, so I agree somewhat OP.

FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 12:28

Hi dont

I'm now into my 5th month of being single and i'm happy, more contented, more self assured and with better self esteem than I've ever had in my entire life! Being single definitely suits me.

I do agree that OD makes it easier for people to think "next!", but I also think that part of this issue is that IRL, you meet lots of people. Some you click with and become friends with; others you click have a relationship with; others you don't click with and they pass out of your life again.

The problem with OD is that it's just about trying to find a partner. There's nothing natural about it. You don't notice someone across a room or get chatting to someone and realise there's a spark. It's all about emails and presenting yourself in the best light; building up a mental image of the other person; meeting them and trying to overlook flaws that don't fit the image, but that would put you off immediately if you'd met irl; feeling disappointed when this one didn't work out either; looking for significance and intimacy where there is none in reality...

I have no idea whether I will meet someone irl, or not. I meet lots of men, but they're usually married!

But I'm genuinely ok with being single. And starting to wonder if I'd want that to change anyway...

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 12:37

Alley my last boyfriend was like that - he could pick up women anywhere. Complete player. Online dating was his natural habitat.

So glad you're enjoying being single, folk. I am inspired to do the same. It's a lot less stressful. I think once you're happy single, you're less willing to compromise and you're not susceptible to the players and time wasters online.

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todayiamfat · 17/01/2015 12:38

Eeeeeek! I'm going on my first date in 18 yrs tonight. Met online.

I am nervous enough. Argh!

We have been chatting on the phone all week, so I know there is a spark iyswim. But yes, the meeting in the flesh is v v scary.

off to try on whole wardobe for 2nd time

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 12:40

Oh good luck, today. Don't be put off - I'm a terrible cynic who has had a couple of bad experiences. I'm a magnet for players! I have had some good times too.

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Lunastarfish · 17/01/2015 12:43

Most of my friends have met their DP online as have I. If it wasn't for online dating I doubt my DP and I would have met. He'd have been too shy to talk to me in a bar etc unless drunk, and if drunk, I wouldn't have been interested in him. I always struggled to meet suitable men in my 20s. That said, I came across plentyof prats online. I took the view that I'd give everyone a chance who contacted me (unless massive pricks) and its worked out good for me.

FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 12:47

I think once you're happy single, you're less willing to compromise

This is definitely where I am now.

I'm not quite confident enough to say, "I deserve better", but I am in a place where I can say, "I might not deserve any better, but if that's the best I can do then I'm opting out because I'm not prepared to tolerate that".

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 13:05

Yes I agree, folk. I don't know if I love myself enough yet, but I'm working on it and until I do, I'm staying away from dating, but particularly online dating - which can be brutal.

Doesn't bode well for my half finished book -'A girl's guide to online dating' though HmmGrin

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 13:09

Haha I'd forgotten about your book!!

FolkGirl · 17/01/2015 13:10

:D

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 13:18

To be fair, I do have a few stories left to go in there. The latest was the disastrous first day where I drank too much to quell my nerves and ended up talking to everyone, except my date.

Maybe it's unsurprising I've not found online dating that successful!!

OP posts:
Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 13:18

*first date

OP posts:
MadeMan · 17/01/2015 13:38

I know a few 30/40 something women that can't do normal everyday conversation; they can only do the texting and Facebook rubbish.

Then they moan about not getting chatted up or meeting men.

swooosh · 17/01/2015 13:40

I met my bf on Tinder Blush I only joined it to take the piss with my colleagues who were on there. He was the first one I met and we've been together around 6 months. Smile

Original poster
dontcallnotdating · 17/01/2015 15:32

I guess it can work, I just don't think, the majority of the time, that it does.

I can only speak for myself, mademan, but I'm a bloody brilliant conversationalist (and a bit less of a liability now I don't binge drink anymore) Wink

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AlleyCat11 · 17/01/2015 15:33

That's what I'm saying MadeMan. The girls I know aren't lacking in personality. It must be a confidence thing, or an easier option...

HelenaDove · 17/01/2015 16:10

Its the lazy option.