Has online dating made it more difficult?

[dontcallnotdating]

As my username suggests, I'm off dating for the foreseeable and concentrating on being happily single. But I have a theory that rather than making it easier to find a relationship, online dating has actually made it much more difficult.

There seems, from my experiences, to be a glut of commitment-phobic mid thirties men, who know they can just move on to the next woman as soon as they are bored. People just don't seem to have staying power anymore.

I have found the opposite to you, op, with most guys wanting a full-on relationship, meeting family members straight away, talking about moving in, getting married, and moving at a million miles an hour.

Maybe the difference is I am in an older age group to you. I suppose men in their thirties, especially newly divorced, think online dating is a sweet shop whereas older men are slowing down and are looking for someone to look after them settle down with.

Well my ex talked marriage and babies, introduced me to his entire family, invited me over for Christmas when I'd known him two months...,then disappeared!

Oh dear. Well a break sounds like a good idea (me too and enjoying the peace and freedom.)

Sundayplease which website?

"Thing is, I tried a Meetup group before Christmas and hated it"

Yeah I wasn't keen on Meetup either. All the ones near me seem to be go-down-pub-and-get-pissed groups, or entrepreneur-professional-networking-boredom groups.

"I got interest from a vast range of ages, from 22 to 70!!"

You should have kept a tally with a bingo card.

Yes I went to a really weird meet up once. It turned into an all night house party where I got chatting to an orthopedic doctor and an escort. Bant (from the dating thread)knows about that one. It was odd. But sort of fun.

I met DH on a more expensive site (match affinity). Cheap and free sites were full of married men, commitment phobics and men with no disposal income for nights out/weekends away
I figured that if a bloke is prepared to pay that sort of cash he's a. serious and b. financially viable (problem with previous ex)
He was the first date I had on there and well worth £90 and an hour to fill in a questionnaire

I think I'd look at match affinity or eharmony if I was to date again - but I'm enjoying the peace! My disappearing lothario ex was on both sites at one point though, so there are no guarantees

dontcallnotdating I could cope with wierd, but this Meetup was just dull. A couple of hours thinking 'OMG, how soon can I decently leave?' And all the men had beards - don't call me beardist, but beards aren't that common, and every single man had one. What's that about?

Slightly at a tangent, I have a gay friend (male) who joined POF in the autumn, looking for a LTR He very rapidly became disillusioned at the vapid responses he received from people who clearly hadn't bothered to read his profile, or who were even able to sustain a conversational email exchange. He seems to have got a FB now, though, so it's not all bad news

Bears are pretty damn common where I live at the moment.

I prefer no beard.

Trills, do you live in a forest...?

Oh I like a well groomed bear

I also like men who look a bit weaselly. That's hot.

I'm a bloke below the magic height threshold so it was a total waste of time and money. Everything I wrote was basically filtered out at source without ever being read. No messages I sent were ever replied to, and nobody ever viewed, never mind replied to, my profile. The companies that run these things loved me because they thought I was stupid enough to pour away good money after bad.

Thank God I don't have to do it any more.

I have tried on,one dating for years on and off and tried so many site. On several I signed up for 3 months and got contacted my no one, on others the guys who contacted me just weren't suitable (no shared interests at all), and on others I just got sex chat.

I tried one site and put in some requirements, nothing outlandish, but there were no matches within 50 mils of me, and then only 2 guys. Guys my age (late 40s) want younger women, younger men seem to want a cougar just for sex.

Luckily I'm pretty fine on my own but wish I could find a friendship group. I like make company but I have given up. I'm going for the growing old as a cat women, and will get some cats when I hit 50 :0)

I have never Online Dated, so obviously don't really know what I am talking about, but I am still going to give my ill informed opinion.

I have been with DH yonks, we met in pre online dating times. What worries me about OD is that it would never have matched me up with DH. On paper we have nothing in common, but when we met there was a massive click and we really are soul mates.

I don't think the elusive spark that makes couples work can be captured in online questionnaires and forms and they may in fact steer you away from the person that is perfect for you, not because you have the same interests and hobbies but for no reason you can put into words.

whatthe I TOTALLY agree. I would NEVER online date. You cant gage chemistry through a computer screen.

What's the "magic height threshold"? boris

I'm 5'3. My preferred height range for a man is 5'6 - 5'9. But as long as they were taller than, it wouldn't really bother me.

"What's the "magic height threshold"? boris"

Probably about 5' 11"; a lot of women seem to want at the very least six foot tall.

I honk being specific in what you are looking for is a double edged sword.

On the one hand it eliminates those with all the qualities you dislike, yet onthe other it might me an you over look the right person.

I met my dp on line when I only joined up because I was lonely and vey unlikely to meet a man any other way.

We met up quite quickly and there was an instant spark and chemistry.

We would never have met otherwise.

I did like the fact that he wanted to meet a woman of a similar age. I never contacted anyone who would not date someone the same age as they are.

"I honk being specific"

That should be think!

Online dating definitely made it easier for me, I work in a very male dominated industry, I absolutely loathed the whole ‘chat someone up in the bar/pub’ scene and was getting fed up with well meaning friends trying to set me up with utterly unsuitable women. Yeah I met a few fruitcakes and time wasters to begin with but you soon learn very quickly how to weed out those characters and spot other red flags early on so I can honestly say that most of people I did end up meeting were genuinely honest interesting nice people. Even when it was evident that there was no romantic chemistry on a date I still ended up having a lovely evening/lunch and ended up as friends with a number of ‘failed dates’. Ultimately I met the wife online so money well spent as far as I was concerned.

From a guys perspective I did seem to notice that an awful lot of women came across as being chronically entitled and dare I say a bit up themselves. Their profiles often a list of blunt “Please don’t contact me if you are one of the following (bald, short, not a professional, earning less than x, have hairy back etc) or had lazily just posted some photos (or no photos) with a rather glib “contact me if you want to find out more”. It also became evident that there were an awful lot of ‘players’ out there, not sure how this compares to the percentage of male players registered on these sites but I always got suspicious of the ‘I like the finer things in life’ women who seemed very keen to promote the idea of having first dates at some Michelin starred restaurant or some other grand establishment with the full expectation that the bloke picks up the tab because…hey…she’s worth it. There were of course a raft of women who were just using it as a hook up/FWB site. While discussing the online dating scene with my other male friends a common complaint seemed to be that a lot of women played ‘games’ of the absurd not returning calls variety. I had this a few times when after a seemingly enjoyable ‘successful’ first date I got the silent treatment with calls and a few texts being ignored. Assuming she is not interested I move on only to get a p*ssy email a few weeks later asking why I had gone quiet, apparently their somewhat batshit crazy rules dictated that I had to really chase them in order to solicit a response as that meant I was keen and serious. Apparently just saying at the end of the date “I have had a lovely time and would like to see you again, can I call you?” and following through with said action was not good enough. Ah well, their loss ;-P

I think being picky in dating generally is a good thing, actually. Especially for women. But be picky about the right things and give people a chance to correct a first bad impression made by nerves, bad wording etc. But don't hang around hoping someone will turn into the perfect person - if they keep jarring then it's going to be a no.

The trick so I am told is to think of it more as "online meeting people" than "online dating". Get very quickly to the meeting part, because you can tell more about someone in person than you can online, one of my very best friends comes across horribly online but she's great in person. Make the meetings throwaway, cheap, casual, with an excuse to get away if you need one. Only follow up those you enjoyed spending time with. Make it more of a numbers game. It's possible that the men on the sites are doing this, too, it's a more analytical way of looking at it. (Although I'm sure there are players too.)

The trick so I am told is to think of it more as "online meeting people" than "online dating".

Very true.