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Original poster

Oh help, am I being controlling? What would you do?

86 replies

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 12:59

I'll try and keep it short:

DP was invited to a school friend's stag weekend (he is usher at the wedding) next month, and also a 'lads weekend away' with some uni friends in April. Both of these are to European cities.

From what DP has told me about his past, whenever he has been away/out with his uni friends, they have invariably ended up drunk and in strip clubs. I dislike strip clubs - I feel that they're seedy and unethical and to be honest I really don't want a partner of mine watching naked women as entertainment. We have talked about this, and DP has said that he doesn't much like them himself but feels he has to go along with everyone else so as not to spoil the night.

So, when I was told about these two weekends, I told him that I felt uncomfortable with him going on two weekends away so close together where strip clubs are pretty much inevitable, and suggested that he pick one to go on as a compromise. He seemed fine with this and has arranged to go on the stag weekend.

He's just told his other friends that he won't be able to go away with them, and they've come back to him saying that I'm controlling and clearly don't trust him and that this is a bad foundation for a relationship (we have been together 2 1/2 years). DP is now saying that he will never be able to see these friends again because he only ever sees them on drunken weekends (they live in different cities). I never said that I wanted him to stop seeing them, just that I was uncomfortable with two weekends involving strip clubs so close together.

am I being controlling here? What do you think? I thought I was being quite reasonable but now I'm beginning to question myself. I don't want my DP to stop seeing his friends but I hate what goes along with it i.e. drunken strip club visits.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 16/01/2015 13:10

I would break up with a man who wouldn't let me go on two hen weekends in a row. The last three I've been to have had strippers/naked barmen.

Either trust him or break up with him.

WiIdfire · 16/01/2015 13:13

Why on earth is one better than two? Either you dont want him to go so ask him not to go at all, or you accept he needs to see his friends so he goes to both. How is it relevant that they are close together? Would you let him go to both if they were further apart? It doesn't make sense.

I'm afraid I see it as controlling.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 13:15

Oh dear... he got the 'who's wearing the trousers?' speech from his friends and what started out as a reasonable agreement now doesn't look so good. Hmm You had a grown-up discussion about a difference of opinion and reached a compromise which he's now having second thoughts about. That's not 'controlling' behaviour or indication of a lack of trust on your part. It's a man caving to peer pressure...

Tyzer85 · 16/01/2015 13:15

If my missus tried pulling that stunt with me I'd pack her bags.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 16/01/2015 13:18

Yes you are being controlling.

One weekend with strippers is ok, two is not? Hmm

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 16/01/2015 13:19

Don't really understand why one weekend to a strip club is ok but two isn't? You either disagree with it or you don't.

vintagecrap · 16/01/2015 13:19

I dont think its controlling, if you were stopping him going, yes, but you arent.

I dont think many women would be happy with two weekends away, abroad, which mostly involved perving at naked women.

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 13:22

Your position isn't really logical.

His friends sound very immature.

supernaut · 16/01/2015 13:22

he doesn't much like them himself but feels he has to go along with everyone else so as not to spoil the night.

He should go with his convictions and not be so peer led.
Unless that's not the truth at all, just what he's telling you...

LineRunner · 16/01/2015 13:22

Ooh Tyzer, you sound like quite the catch.

plantsitter · 16/01/2015 13:26

I think you need to have another conversation about why you hate strip clubs so much. Formulate your argument first and be very explicit and very clear. And then let him make his own decision about what he does. It is a bit controlling to tell him what he can and can't do, but I completely understand about strip clubs.

Only you know whether or not you can put up with a man who goes to them.

Tyzer85 · 16/01/2015 13:28

Sorry LineRunner but if the missus tried to control me I wouldn't put up with it, if that makes me a bastard or whatever so be it.

thenamehaschanged · 16/01/2015 13:29

Sorry OP but I wouldn't stop anyone from doing anything they wanted if I trusted them, same as I would be horrified if a partner tried to stop me going on a boozy, stripper filled hen do or 2.

intlmanofmystery · 16/01/2015 13:29

Two trips so close together - one in Feb and one in April?? If they were consecutive weekends I could understand but these are weeks apart? If that is what his mates do when they go away then yes you are essentially stopping him seeing them. You have expressed that you are uncomfortable with him going to strip clubs but you can't stop him so either put up with it or move on. And yes I do see this as controlling behaviour.

thenamehaschanged · 16/01/2015 13:31

*disclaimer - I'm not a fan of strippers and strip clubs either, but they kind of go hand in hand in the lead up to a wedding!

bobbywash · 16/01/2015 13:37

Depends upon the unsaid bit, eg finances if its's a dislkie of strip clubs, or if it's just going away without you.

If your only objection is that they are close together then YABU. If there are other factors that you haven't mentioned then not.

Original poster
Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 13:37

Hi, thanks for your responses.

It's not that I think that one weekend is ok but two is not, but it seemed like a reasonable compromise to me at the time?

I'd prefer him never to step foot in a strip club again, but I realise that this is is sometimes difficult if you are out with a group of men who do want to go. also, a stag weekend, especially one where my DP is taking part in the wedding, is a big event which I wouldn't want him to miss out on if it was something that he wanted to go to, as much as I dislike the thought of what will likely go on.

I'm just beginning to wonder a bit whether we're compatible... I hate the thought of 'stopping' him from seeing his friends, but then I wonder why they are his friends in the first place?

and supernaut - that thought has crossed my mind to. Is he just telling me what I want to hear, or is he really not able to say no and walk away? Neither option seems brilliant.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 13:42

You were compatible enough until his friends intervened. Hmm That's the real problem here... not that you're controlling or stopping him doing something but that he sounds rather passive and wishy-washy. Says what he thinks others want to hear and it changes depending on who he's talking to.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 13:44

An assertive man would have told friends 'Sorry I can't make it to both events but I have decided to just go to the stag do'. He clearly bleated... 'I want to go but me bird says I can't.... waaaahhhh'. Spineless...

vintagecrap · 16/01/2015 13:48

agree with cog there.....

its nothing to do with being controlling.

I wouldnt want to even date someone who went to strip clubs. Thats not being controlling, its just exercising my choice. If they then chose to go, then i would be choosing to go :)

hcbelle · 16/01/2015 13:53

his friends sound like they are emotionally blackmailing/manipulating him to an extent. they should have a bit more respect for you if you have been together for 2.5 years. not everyone is Ok with strip clubs and you shouldn't be made to sound like a weirdo if you're not!
agree with vintagecrap and others that 2 weekends close together involving this stuff is a bit much to expect zero reaction

2andout · 16/01/2015 13:54

I don't think you are being controlling at all, you discussed it like adults. I do think however, that you might be better off with a man who doesn't think it's ok to buy access to women's bodies. Would be a complete deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

Joysmum · 16/01/2015 13:55

Ah so you reached a compromise until the friends stepped in and now his thoughts are swayed by their opinions! Yet you're the controlling one?

This is hardly surprising given he's already said he feels lead by them and that's why he goes, because he's a sheep.

It's hardly surprising he's now spouting their opinions back at you.

I wouldn't trust him as he is incapable of making his own choices according to what he wants, and I stead just goes for the easy option of agreeing with whoever he's with. That's not someone I could trust Sad

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 16/01/2015 13:56

If someone called me 'the missus' id pack their bags...

Tyzer85 · 16/01/2015 13:58

GotToBeInItToWinIt good for you, the missus calls me her man.

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