Oh help, am I being controlling? What would you do?

[Lolipoplady]

I'll try and keep it short:

DP was invited to a school friend's stag weekend (he is usher at the wedding) next month, and also a 'lads weekend away' with some uni friends in April. Both of these are to European cities.

From what DP has told me about his past, whenever he has been away/out with his uni friends, they have invariably ended up drunk and in strip clubs. I dislike strip clubs - I feel that they're seedy and unethical and to be honest I really don't want a partner of mine watching naked women as entertainment. We have talked about this, and DP has said that he doesn't much like them himself but feels he has to go along with everyone else so as not to spoil the night.

So, when I was told about these two weekends, I told him that I felt uncomfortable with him going on two weekends away so close together where strip clubs are pretty much inevitable, and suggested that he pick one to go on as a compromise. He seemed fine with this and has arranged to go on the stag weekend.

He's just told his other friends that he won't be able to go away with them, and they've come back to him saying that I'm controlling and clearly don't trust him and that this is a bad foundation for a relationship (we have been together 2 1/2 years). DP is now saying that he will never be able to see these friends again because he only ever sees them on drunken weekends (they live in different cities). I never said that I wanted him to stop seeing them, just that I was uncomfortable with two weekends involving strip clubs so close together.

am I being controlling here? What do you think? I thought I was being quite reasonable but now I'm beginning to question myself. I don't want my DP to stop seeing his friends but I hate what goes along with it i.e. drunken strip club visits.

Great post ToSeaInASieve

Thanks everyone for your responses, it's been really interesting to read everyone's thoughts on this. I wish I could respond to everyone individually but I think I'd be here all day!

Got to say, ToSeaInaSieve, I agree with the posters above, I think your post is spot on (both of them actually).

So it seems that the general consensus is that it's ok to not want my DP to go to strip clubs, it's ok for it to be a dealbreaker, but it's not ok or rational or fair for me to say that I'm ok with him going one weekend, but not the other. Consistency is important. I can see that now. I think the trouble in my case is tht saying "no strip clubs" would essentially be stopping my DP from going on his friend's stag weekend, because if everyone goes into a club he will go too - he won't say "no, I'll wait in this bar till you come out". This would spoil everyone's night, apparently, so he has to go along with it. I didn't want to stop him going on the stag do which is why I suggested the compromise of one weekend but not the other - even though it makes me uneasy. I hadn't considered it to be controlling, however, until DP told me what his friends' responses were.

Tbh with you I wish that my DP would stand up for himself, or lose the shitty friends. That is if he truly is feeling forced into things, and isn't just spinning me a line. It seems to be another consensus on here that he is a bit weak willed... I think that sadly that is true DP is not a huge drinker and gets drunk pretty easily. He tends to go along with the crowd and accept drink after drink on work nights out etc., keeping up with everyone else because he feels like he can't say no to a drink for fear of being ridiculed. This has actually happened - last time he was away with uni friends they locked him in the bathroom with the lights turned off because he refused to drink as much as them.

Oh dear.

He seriously needs to look at how they treat him and how he behaves when he's with them. If he can't stand up for himself OR stops seeing them then this issue will run and run. It doesn't bode well for your future together.

I think the trouble in my case is tht saying "no strip clubs" would essentially be stopping my DP from going on his friend's stag weekend,

No, you're still not getting it.

You say, "I'm not going out with someone who visits strip clubs". Just that. You certainly don't tell him what he can do. You can only outline your reaction.

However, I think your true line is actually, "I will tolerate you going to strip clubs and slowly let you erode my line in the sand. It will make miserable, but I will pay this price for the sake of familiarity and appearances and not being single".

I hate strip clubs - I think they're demeaning and degrading. DH hates them too - to the point that on the last stag do involving them, he and another friend opted to go for another drink round the corner until the others had finished their sad little perve-fest. They got a few jibes about being 'under the thumb', but being reasonable, intelligent human beings, ignored same. The best man (who was a total twunt) made a similar remark, about real red-blooded men IIRC, to me at the wedding. I'd had enough booze to make me very eloquent and less polite than usual at that point; don't think he'll be trying it again.

So I don't think you're BU to hate them; I do think it's a bit inconsistent to say yes to one and not the other; and I agree the real problem facing you is a 'DH becoming spineless when with his bullying cunty friends' problem.

Funny how everyone has ignored MGFM's post about hen nights/male strippers.

I have never been to a strip club and don't have any interest in going, but if a partner laid down the law to me, talking about 'deal breakers', etc. I would certainly think they were controlling and it would put me off them.

supernaut I have been on lots and lots of hen nights but not a single one has involved a stripper. I would hate it.

I didn't ignore it supernaut, I said And if my male partner told me he couldn't be with a woman who ogled and objectified men at male strip clubs, I'd think that was fair comment too.

I do think if you are going to say you are not OK with your DP/DH doing it, it is also fair enough if they say the same. (And again that wouldn't be controlling, it would be them saying what they could and couldn't tolerate in a relationship - so not saying "you are not allowed to" but "if you are that kind of person, being in a relationship with you is not for me").

I have been on hen nights, none have involved strippers or strip clubs. The one time I have seen a stripper, it was a female stripper employed to embarrass a very PC friend, by a handful of his (less pc) mates. It was grim and definitely one of the formative experiences that made me a feminist.

I think Vivacia's post a few posts above is spot on. 'Controlling' is a red herring. You are either OK with being in a relationship with someone weak who allows peer pressure to let him overlook the ethics of the more 'acceptable' end of the sex trade, with its attendant issues of objectifying women, trafficking etc. or you are not.

I would not be, for a single second, but then I am married to someone who isn't a teenager afraid his mates down the pub will laugh at him for thinking that there might, just possibly, be something wrong with the assumption that paying women to writhe around in their pants for the gratification of a bunch of drunk men is a normal way to spend an evening.

Your call either way. But I'd be seriously thinking about the future of my relationship, if your boyfriend is really juvenile enough to be still subject to peer pressure. How old is he, fifteen?

I completely understand how you feel OP, I definitely would not be ok with my DP going to a strip club. Not because I'm controlling but because I think it's disrespectful to your partner, to actually pay to look at other women strip for you when you are in a committed relationship. (I'm aware everyone feels differently about strip clubs, but that's just how I personally feel)

I do agree with other posters that maybe saying one weekend is fine to go but not the other may be a bit confusing for your partner but I think you were just trying to be reasonable & make a fair compromise whilst making sure your partner is respectful to your feelings (which by the sounds of it, he was until his friends got involved).

Maybe have a chat with your DP about the way his friends feel they have the right to comment on your decisions as a couple. They have overstepped the mark & your DP really should address that with them to make them aware that it is none of their business & that your feelings are more important to him than a boozy weekend away.