Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Oh help, am I being controlling? What would you do?

86 replies

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 12:59

I'll try and keep it short:

DP was invited to a school friend's stag weekend (he is usher at the wedding) next month, and also a 'lads weekend away' with some uni friends in April. Both of these are to European cities.

From what DP has told me about his past, whenever he has been away/out with his uni friends, they have invariably ended up drunk and in strip clubs. I dislike strip clubs - I feel that they're seedy and unethical and to be honest I really don't want a partner of mine watching naked women as entertainment. We have talked about this, and DP has said that he doesn't much like them himself but feels he has to go along with everyone else so as not to spoil the night.

So, when I was told about these two weekends, I told him that I felt uncomfortable with him going on two weekends away so close together where strip clubs are pretty much inevitable, and suggested that he pick one to go on as a compromise. He seemed fine with this and has arranged to go on the stag weekend.

He's just told his other friends that he won't be able to go away with them, and they've come back to him saying that I'm controlling and clearly don't trust him and that this is a bad foundation for a relationship (we have been together 2 1/2 years). DP is now saying that he will never be able to see these friends again because he only ever sees them on drunken weekends (they live in different cities). I never said that I wanted him to stop seeing them, just that I was uncomfortable with two weekends involving strip clubs so close together.

am I being controlling here? What do you think? I thought I was being quite reasonable but now I'm beginning to question myself. I don't want my DP to stop seeing his friends but I hate what goes along with it i.e. drunken strip club visits.

OP posts:

BIWI · 16/01/2015 13:59

I also don't quite get the logic of 'allowing' one but not two.

But actually, that's not really the issue here. You and he had a conversation about it, and came to an agreement. Which he is now trying to overturn.

I'd put the responsibility back on his shoulders. Tell him, again, how you feel about it, how disappointed you are that he is trying to wriggle out of your agreement on the basis of what his friends say, and then leave the decision up to him

If decides to go, it tells you that he thinks his friends' views are more important than yours.

shovetheholly · 16/01/2015 14:01

Cogito is spot on (as usual).

Here's how I see it: trust is not a 'free-for-all'. It's not a toleration-of-anything. It's a kind of discipline, a practice that is closely bound up with other practices around loyalty and fidelity. These are not just words or deeds, but about how you live your life, day-to-day. In a deep, working relationship, both parties need to try not to strain things too much, by asking the other to tolerate things that are a struggle. That means communicating pretty much all the time to make sure you're both on the same wavelength. It also means avoiding practices that put pressure on, but also compromising enough that each person has space. Where that line is drawn is different for each couple.

This is precisely what you've done - and he's using social pressure from his friends to try to force things, possibly because he's totally spineless, perhaps because he thinks this will lead you to second-guess yourself more than if he simply comes out and says 'I WANT...'. Which makes this a pretty manipulative strategy if you ask me!

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 16/01/2015 14:01

I'm not sure how's it's a compromise really... If strip clubs are the problem then the compromise would be going for the weekend but not going to the strip club. The weekends are months apart.

Anyway I agree that your DH is passive and is allowing himself to be swayed rather than saying definitively 'I'll go on the stag do but not the other weekend'. He doesn't want to be seen to be the one making the decisions so is allowing his friends to blame you. I've had this issue with DH before, we're struggling for money at the moment and all his friends have plenty. When they invite him out, rather than tell them the truth he used to say 'I don't think DW would be too happy'. I told him how much it pissed me off and he doesn't do it anymore. He makes his own decisions and should deal with the consequences.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/01/2015 14:01

Don't waste your life on a man with no spine and a stripper habit.

He sounds shite.

intlmanofmystery · 16/01/2015 14:07

But they are still his friends and he may have known them a lot longer than he's known you. His friendship with them may be more important to him than you realise. Whether he is a sheep or a goat or a leader or a follower is irrelevant, you simply don't "approve" of his friends and what they get up to. If you are not happy with him being who he is and the company that he occasionally keeps then maybe you are right to question how compatible you are.

Jan45 · 16/01/2015 14:13

Nothing controlling about it, what woman would pat her man on the back and say go enjoy watching a woman strip for you, no doubt pushed into the industry out of desperation. Just because his friends think it's ok, doesn't mean it is, I wouldn't want to be with a guy either who thought it was ok to go to a strip club, cos everyone else was.

Would he like it if you were doing the same, it cant be one rule for one and not the other.

He has made a drama out of it because he wants to go and not pay attention to how this affects you, not good.

Original poster

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 14:35

Wow so many responses, thank you I think they've kind of underlined for me how what is acceptable to one person isn't necessarily acceptable to another, but that doesn't mean that either view is wrong.

Cogito and others who have mentioned it, I think you're right that the problem here is more my DP being unable to say no, rather than actively wanting to go to strip clubs. He does tend to go along with the crowd, which isn't great. He's said that he doesn't want to have a stag do himself because he knows what his friends will be like and he panics about being in that position.

I've just spoken to him about it again now and he's not trying to find a way of going on the second weekend - he's actually just said that he knows I would walk away if he insisted on going, and he doesn't want to lose our relationship so he's not going and that's that.

I think his uni friends are idiots, and it does bother me that they are his friends, because I think "Why? They're idiots". 3 of them are in relationships and yet they love getting their lapdances and think it's fine and see no problem in it. The problem, to them, is people who think it's not ok .

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 14:39

Would you actually walk away if he stood up to you and insisted on going? Is that a genuinely likely outcome, an assumption/fear on his part or a threat you've actually put before him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 14:42

"he panics about being in that position. "

This 'panic' bothers me. Within reason, anyone should be able to say to their friends, partner or anyone else.... 'this is my decision'.... and not be sent into a panic worrying about what the reaction will be. They should have the confidence that others will respect their decision. His panic suggests that he fears rejection too much and that this is resulting in this 'go with the herd' passive mentality and a lack of self-assurance.

shovetheholly · 16/01/2015 14:47

The engagement with lap dancing would bother me. But then I really dislike strip clubs. I think they are exploitative, sexist places.

However, that personal blanket condemnation aside, I think the whole 'strip club' issue is a nuanced one, and that it is not the same for both genders. There is a big difference between a kind of 'ironic' enjoyment of strip clubs and actually getting stuck in there and perving. Actively to participate by getting a lapdance crosses another line. And then there is actually going to a brothel.

I think a lot of men lie about the extent of their engagement in these things. I used to work with a guy who had a young daughter, and he would boast in the office about getting lapdancers and then having sex with a sex worker on lads' weekends (excuse: 'oh we were so drunk'). The wives of the group all thought that they were just looking.

Original poster

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 15:10

Cogito yes I have told him I would walk away and he knows I would. and I would actually do it. I would do the same if he got a lapdance, no matter how much he was pressured into it. He is definitely someone who is bothered about how others perceive him, he never wants to stand out in anyway.

shovetheholly I know, it bothers me that if something did happen that crossed the line and was a dealbreaker for me, that I wouldn't actually find out about it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2015 15:23

If you put 'walk away' on the table you have to be consistent. If you threaten the ultimate sanction in an inconsistent way - picking and choosing according to circumstances - then I'm afraid you are being controlling.

Jan45 · 16/01/2015 16:03

If his friends think it's ok to go get lap dances when they have girlfriends then I'd bet the g/f's don't even know about it, it will be kept hidden from them.

They'd rather risk their relationship than give up ogling some poor young girl having to pretend to be horny in front of them, god, no wonder you view them as idiots, they are.

Norland · 16/01/2015 17:08

Of course you're being controlling. You obviously don't trust him and sounds like you've got body or self-confidence issues.

Original poster

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 17:24

That's interesting about the inconsistency bit cogito, I hadn't thought of it in that way. Hmmm... that is definitely something to think about. I can see what you mean, to be arbitrarily deciding what is ok and what is not, is not good.

I just feel like I have a limited capacity for tolerating these kind of weekends, like once, or maybe twice a year, at a push. and I know there will be another stag do before long as another friend is getting married. I feel like I can put up with it in very small quantities for the sake of our relationship, but two weekends so close together (in my eyes at least, I can see that others disagree about this) was just too much. Oh flipping heck am I a crazy lady?

Urgh I am so confused

OP posts:

magoria · 16/01/2015 17:24

So what about the next meet up? You can bet your arse they will drag him to a strip club to spite you and he is too weak to say no.

Or the next stage night?

How many strip clubs are acceptable a year.

It is either important and a deal breaker or not and you wave him off (un) happily each time.

This wishy washy compromise is just you lowering your opinion one at a time on strip clubs.

magoria · 16/01/2015 17:26

X posts

Original poster

Lolipoplady · 16/01/2015 17:27

Norland I don't think that not liking my DP going to strip clubs means that I have self confidence or body issues. There are other reasons for not liking these places.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 16/01/2015 17:29

I too have no body issues, in fact I rather like my body, that has FA to do with my unacceptable of my partner visiting a bloody strip club!

OP, I hope they are not visiting prostitutes too, where in Europe are these stags?

dirtybadger · 16/01/2015 17:35

I don't like strip clubs. I have a hot bod' (I mean they wouldn't let me dance but fuck that anyway) and the self esteem of....I dunno but it's good.

I also think it's controlling, though. Well, either you're controlling or he is very meek/passive. I don't really like the idea of someone not doing something because I told them not to, or they think it's what I want. I want them to understand my perspective, "get it" and then make their own mind up about what they're you going to do, consistent with how they feel.
There's not much between a man who goes and a man who doesn't go (but would if he was single), for me.

MGFM · 16/01/2015 17:44

I think it is fine not to like them - I would argue that there are few women who DO like them. But you can't really tell your Partner he CAN'T go. Imagine what people would say if it were your partner controlling what you do!

Also, I am not in a position to comment on my DH going to a strip club (which he did on a stag do) because I have seen the Dream Boys in brighton on a Hen party and it was so much fun! And that was full frontal nudity! What do you think 150 drunk women in a small space with 6/7 naked men looks like? it was carnage! Women are far worse than men. If men behaved like that in a strip club they would get thrown out!

pinkyredrose · 16/01/2015 17:47

Do you trust him? If so then what are you worried about? As long as they go somewhere upmarket where the women are there by choice then I don't see a problem.

Your DP sounds quite wishy washy.

Quangle · 16/01/2015 17:48

Wow, you don't want your DP to go to a strip club because you are controlling and have body issues according to this thread. FFS.

Of course you don't want him to go to a sodding strip club. That makes you perfectly normal.

MinceSpy · 16/01/2015 17:55

Like a lot of PPs have said I think one stag type do is,as good or as bad as two.

Your partner has told his mates you won't let him go and now he's trying to guilt trip you. Your both adults he doesn't need permission it's up to him.
How you then feel and then react is up to you.

Shesparkles · 16/01/2015 17:55

The more I read this kind of thread the more I wonder if I'm unusual. My husband goes away with pals for a boozy long weekend every year, usually to Benidorm. They're all about 50 now and these weekends have happened for the last 20ish years.
I have no idea what goes on at these weekends, and nor do I want to know.
Am I the only one who thinks like this?

Flip

1 2 3 4