Can you really get over cheating and trust again?

[Mycrazylifeisthisone]

I love my dp so much and I really want it to work but I don't know if I can get over the past! I don't trust anything and I feel like the physco gf and don't want to become this girl. We have 2 dc together. We are starting counselling next week too. I just want to know has anyone out there gotten over something like this and trusted again or am I doomed forever?

People can and do stay with partners post cheating and make a success of it but I think they'd all tell you that a) it's a very difficult process and b) the relationship is not the same as it was previously. Mistrusting or rejecting someone who has betrayed & hurt us on such a personal level is a very natural way to protect ourselves from a repeat performance. If you don't trust this man you're not a 'psycho' therefore, you're normal. Even if he's totally remorseful, works hard to regain your trust, engages in counselling etc., you may be able to forgive him but you might still not trust him. And that would be a very natural outcome as well.

Do you feel pressure to get over it and trust him again?

Definitely a lot of pressure he has said I just need to get over it and stop bringing it up but I'm not getting the chance as new little things keep cropping up! And also when I feel insecure and go abit nuts he reacts by going nuts back and tries to make me feel in the wrong for accusing him. I have spoke to hi about this and made him realise this is not what I need p. I need him to reassure me and make me feel confident in him so hopefully that got the message through. Although last night I asked to know his phone pass code I have always known it in the past and I now don't. Guess what he wouldn't tell me which cues all sorts of horrible thoughts an dp we haven't spoken since last night (we don't live together)

I wouldn't even try to forgive as he is clearly still cheating and being a twat. Put your energy into getting shot of him and rebuilding what will guaranteed be a much better and happier life.

He's not helping you trust him is he? Its hard enough when, as Cog said, the person is remoreseful, working hard to regain your trust and prepared to do everything they can. It's hard even then. Hs attitude stinks! He doesn't respect you or your feelings and he clearly has no remorse

I know what your all saying and I agree and I know this deep down but we have split up so am any times and we always end up getting back together I love him so much and am miserable without him and can never stay away! I know I sound like I have no backbone and I actually don't haha but I just want it to work and for him to be the guy I know he can be!

You've no chance if that's his attitude. 'Get over it'.... is not a man who is either sorry or keen to repair the damage. It's a man who wants you to forget all about it, stop bothering him and shut up.

I think, however much you think you love him, it's clearly not reciprocated. I'm sorry but in your shoes I would be going for a clean break and a fresh start.

He's not remorseful is he? So you're on a hiding to nothing. Sorry.

"I know I sound like I have no backbone "

You certainly sound like you have no confidence. Unsurprising if this is the pattern. You see, if this kind of thing happens a lot and you break up but always go crawling back because you have no self esteem and think he's the best you can do.... then he has ZERO incentive to treat you with anything but contempt. And that's exactly what's happening. You think you're a psycho girlfriend. He goes nuts and tries to make it all your fault. That's not 'love'....

He could be many guys but this is the guy he chooses to be. A cheating, lying excuse of a human being who doesn't think you're entitled to be unhappy at his behaviour.

Is that really what you want?

I am very sorry to say this but you are on a hiding to nothing. He is not sorry, he just wants you to shut up so he can carry on cheating on you. You don't even live together so why are you even considering putting up with this. If you get pregnant you will have a child thrown into the equation with a man that will most definitely cheat on you again.

A man trying to regain your trust would walk over broken glass to make it clear to you he is sorry. He would have total transparency on all his phones, computors etc. Your 'man' is not doing any of this.

Please read more threads in this topic and see the years of misery that some have put up with, wasting their lives and their partners tearing their lives and their children's apart.

No

We already have 2 children

I'm sorry. It's the toughest thing in the world to have someone confirm your worst fears. Also very daunting to contemplate a life as an independent woman when you've been so dependent on another person. I really don't think you should engage in joint counselling with a man that is basically telling you to shut up and move on. A counsellor seeing that attitude would tell you that you're wasting your time. What you might find useful instead is to go for individual counselling with Relate and maybe try to work out why you are so willing to let another person treat you this way?

Let me guess. You've stuck it out this long because you wanted the traditional Mum,Dad and a few kids set up? Was your own upbringing like that... or are you trying to create what you didn't have?

Then that is really sad but you can't bring them up with this example of a relationship. He is abusive, a cheat and must have told you a million lies whilst he was cheating on you. He has no respect for you and does not (regardless of what he says) love you.

I wouldn't be able to. Once that trust is gone then that's it for me.

He isn't working hard to regain your confidence is he?! That tells you enough. Decide that you're worth more than this cheating scumbag is giving you and move on. I'm not pretending it won't be hard, it is, but it's worth it.

Own upbringing was like that and I also think we have been through so much and It would all be a waste if I just give up. I'm well aware I sound like a beaten down idiot btw but that honestly goes through my head. I have just stopped counselling for myself. My counsellor invited him along to one session I came out feeling worse she empowered him saying I have to stop bringing up the past in order to move on which I agree with but didn't take anything in to account that I had said. He actually said he felt great when he came out!

She is a shit counsellor. Try another one. What terrible advice. How long ago did he cheat?

How long ago was it that he cheated?

He is still cheating. He's not a partner, either, doesn't live with you, doesn't give a shit about you.

Actually, I have a few burning questions if you don't mind. Why don't you live together? How long have you been together? What are the 'new little things' that keep cropping up? When you have split up in the past, does it tend to be for the same kind of reasons & what would they be?

in this particular scenario....no

You know he can be 'that guy'?

You are wrong. And the longer you keep trying to pin that mask on him, the more and more miserable you will become. Which means your children will end up miserable too.

He's not that guy. The guy he IS - as he has shown you in glorious technicolour - is selfish, shitty, cheating, doesn't give a fuck about his children and his family.

That's the guy he is and always will be.

However - 'that guy' - the nice, honest, reliable, gentle, trustworthy, fun instead of anxiety-causing guy - he's out there. So don't waste your time on this guy. Go find that guy. And tell CheatingShitBag to stick his passworded phone up his slimy little arse.

I'm 2.5 weeks in to finding out my husband had been cheating. He is doing everything he possibly can to do the very basic stages of rebuilding trust - letting me check phone, emails, messages whenever I want (both work and home); calling and messaging when he gets to work, goes for lunch, leaves work etc; telling me who he has spoken to and what they talked about; letting me ask absolutely anything about the affair and answering honestly; being understanding of my hurt, mood swings and anger; being there if I want him there, and giving me space when I want it. And you know what? I still don't know if it's enough. I do know that without all of this as a bare minimum, there would be no way I should be even contemplating continuing the relationship. I completely understand why you want to. It's bloody terrifying thinking of being on your own, and you want to believe this person you love. But that's pure blinkered emotion which isn't a basis for a successful relationship.

I know how hideously hard it is, I really do. But with your partner's current behaviour and response, I'd say there is no chance of you getting past this to have a happy relationship with him. Sorry.

If I told you answers to your questions you would honestly think I'm deluded to even contemplate this relationship which is why i didn't give aback story at the beginning.

I know what all of you are saying is correct it's just so hard! Made harder by the face we have a big holiday booked for feb and I have paid for it and can not change the name or get any money back as I've already tried when we first split up in November.

There must be some way round the holiday problem. Do not let anything obstruct you. Why not go without him. A small cost next to the emotional damage he is inflicting on you.

It's easy for others like myself to say 'LTB' when looking in from outside. However, a lot of us have stuck it out in bad relationships against our better judgement. We've kept quiet rather than embarrass ourselves admitting we've got it wrong. We know how alluring that idea is of 'better the devil you know' when the alternative looks pretty bleak and lonely.

Are you obliged to bring him along on the holiday if you've paid for it?