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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you really get over cheating and trust again?

69 replies

Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 11:03

I love my dp so much and I really want it to work but I don't know if I can get over the past! I don't trust anything and I feel like the physco gf and don't want to become this girl. We have 2 dc together. We are starting counselling next week too. I just want to know has anyone out there gotten over something like this and trusted again or am I doomed forever?

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 15/01/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 16:49

"I was guna pay for it"

So we can add 'cocklodger' to the rap sheet.... Hmm I realise being lonely is pretty crap but are you really so desperate that you'd pay to be with him?

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 17:10

I am not paying to be with him!

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 17:15

Emotionally and self respect wise you are paying heavily OP :(

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 15/01/2015 17:22

What on earth do you love about him? As I can't see it.

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 17:26

I don't know Hmm he makes me laugh all the time, he really is the funniest guy I've met. He makes me feel so safe when he hugs me and he's great with the kids

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/01/2015 17:26

As long as you are feeding him money, he'll keep taking, he's one of those people (not saying man, cos he ain't one) who will take as long as somebody is daft enough to give - sorry, but that's you, a complete doormat, hope he's worth it, you actually sound as bad as him when it comes to making really stupid decisions, sorry, sometimes when you are this bad you need someone to make you open your eyes. If you are happy to continue then go ahead, he won't ever change unless you make it happen.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 17:55

Yes, you are paying to be with him and so are your kids

Financially and emotionally

No wonder you haven't given us all the details, I'll bet there are lots more ways he takes the piss out of you

You know that yucky programme Jeremy Kyle ? Your life reminds me of someone who goes on that programme. Dead beat father, addiction problems, not paying for his kids, living off women dumb enough to keep them. And still you say "but I looooove him", "but he's a gooood daaaad" (no he isn't) and "we were on a break"

Come on, love. Take a good long look at what you are tolerating. For what ? No man is worth that.

MaMaof04 · 15/01/2015 18:28

Dear MyCrazylife,
I must admit that I did not have time to go through all the posts before writing this note. (I am in the middle of helping the kids doing their homework.) My apology to all the wonderful women who took their time to write to you and who might have already given you better advice. So my advice is that you buy the book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. A very small book but very sound and very very practical. HE MUST READ IT. Make sure that he reads it and sticks to its spirit as much as possible. If he really wants to change and deserve your trust he must stick to it. To start with he might not agree or he will partially agree. He will eventually and gradually come to accept the suggestions of the book if he is really committed to become worthy of your trust. If not then you might have to re-think your relationship and your future as co-parents. But give it some time. It did help me. As at now I am just happy to co-habit and co-parent with him. I forgave him but I am not romantically attracted to him anymore. He accepts the sex-less marriage. I would not mind if he has sex with someone else- because I do not want to have it with him. He does not want. He is deeply remorseful- and says that always loved me and will always do..... I think that I now know him better than ever before. I also know what changes will be beneficial for him as a person and as my kids' father- I do talk to him about them. He eagerly accept them. It is amazing how many positive changes the kids and I have noticed in him. Even the little ones noticed positive changes. I do refer him to the book every so often- less and less though.
AS at now I can say that I can trust him. It was a one-off extreme case.
I am posting a different post today about the development of my affair.
Good Luck and don't be afraid to follow your instincts and to fight to keep your family together!

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 18:39

Never mind reading other replies, if you had bothered to read all the posts by the op you would see your input is at best misguided Ma

newyear15 · 15/01/2015 18:44

He is treating you like dirt on his shoe and a cashpoint combined - I don't think he is great with anyone. You need to ditch him and go no contact. Block him and stop monitoring him online.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/01/2015 18:54

He doesn't pay for his kids, he doesn't pay for his holidays, he pays for his phone to contact other women and he pays to take other women out, I suppose, and yet you are desperately looking for ways to trust him?
I think you need to wake up. He is never going to be the man you want him to be, not even close.
Would you like your dd to be with a cheat who doesn't pay for his kids? - because that's the example you're setting here.

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 19:00

New year... I can't cut off contact he has to seethe children so he will always be around

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 19:26

Get someone else to do the handovers and get your child maintenance claim in. There is only need for him to communicate if there is something about the children. Any other contact is completely superfluous isn't it? Or am I missing something?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 19:34

Yes, he'll be a feature of your life for some time to come. However, if you wanted to, there are ways to handle contact arrangements so that you are not in contact more than necessary. As for being funny and dispensing nice hugs.... few people are badly behaved all the time.

Sadly, I think you're already half way back to him, the holiday will go ahead, you'll stump up the spending money and you'll gratefully accept a joke and a cuddle in lieu of the cash he owes the children or the fidelity he owes to you.

Sickoffrozen · 15/01/2015 19:48

You can't have much experience in the relationship world if this man is what you aspire to!

He sounds like someone 99.9% of women would run a mile from.

He will just go on taking the piss until you stop it happening. He has no consequences for his actions and you just run back to him no matter what he does!

If this was your daughter in this position what would you advise?

Ludways · 15/01/2015 19:58

We are 8 years post affair. It was a hard slog for the first year and has gradually got easier over time. I trust him now and have done for probably 3 years now, it is different though. It isn't blind trust but sort of an educated trust. He is completely transparent and open with me, if I wobble he will do everything he can to open up to me. He has worked hard to regain my respect and trust, he is committed to me and our family and finds to easy to show it, showing it shouldn't be a chore. He doesn't constantly have to prove himself, it's just a natural part of our life together.

In many ways we're stronger now.

MaMaof04 · 15/01/2015 21:14

Anyfucker: You are right. I should have taken time to careful read all the MyCrazyL's posts ...instead I rushed and wrote a stupid response.
To you dear OP: please be careful- and pay attention to the ladies who took time to read your posts and understand your situation- and do forgive my hasty advice. You deserve better.

AnyFucker · 15/01/2015 22:41

That's good advice, Ma. For a totally different situation, about a totally different bloke...

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