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Original poster

Can you really get over cheating and trust again?

69 replies

Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 11:03

I love my dp so much and I really want it to work but I don't know if I can get over the past! I don't trust anything and I feel like the physco gf and don't want to become this girl. We have 2 dc together. We are starting counselling next week too. I just want to know has anyone out there gotten over something like this and trusted again or am I doomed forever?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 13:04

Well no but would make the holiday a lot more enjoyable easier with 2 children and along haul flight.
When I don't have him I literally don't have another adult to talk to apart from my mum. My best friend and children's god mother lives 3 hours away and all other friends are not on my page and do not have children. I can't stand the clicky children's groups and have no idea how I'd meet another person. Where as he would get one in a matter of weeks and the thought of that makes me sick! I hate this whole situation!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/01/2015 13:09

For goodness' sake. Your reasons for wanting to stay with him are not healthy. So what if he gets with someone else? He already is! So what that you've already sunk years of your life in to this relationship?

Stay with him, continue having him cheat and humiliate you.

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 13:11

They are obviously not my only reasons at all! I have two children with him for a start and I have already mentioned I love him so much and I really want it to work!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/01/2015 13:13

Sunk costs.

Stay with him if you love him, but a relationship requires two people, and he's just not fussed.

Fingeronthebutton · 15/01/2015 14:03

When I read the OP my reaction was: yes you can, we done it.
But reading on, you haven't got a hope in hell.
What's the name of that film: He's just not that into you.
What will happen is: he will leave you. You will become too much of a door mat. He will get bored.

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 14:07

I'm literally sat watching him 'online' on what's app wondering who he is talking to while he's at work as he hasn't said a word to me since last night! I just don't know what to say! I feel so sick with anxiety Confused

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/01/2015 14:11

Your reasons for wanting to stay together are credible indeed but it takes two to make it work, if he is telling you to get over it and is not giving you his phone password, I'm afraid that indicates he's really not that fussed.

What you need to do is find people you can trust to confide in, don't you have one decent friend to off load to?

I think you may find if he's not back doing it now he will in the future, he sounds pretty untrustworthy, with no trust, there is no relationship, staying out of loneliness is just mad, you will be on your own anyway if he's carrying on still.

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 14:12

^This is no way to live op.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 14:15

You poor thing. Everything you're writing just screams out insecurity, low self-esteem and a fear of independence. I can't help but think that your 'relationship' is feeding the problems rather than resolving them. Love in this context is more in the bracket of unhealthy addiction rather than a reciprocated affection.

Of course he'd get someone new within a few weeks. He hasn't done you the courtesy of waiting until the relationship finishes before demonstrating that already. So you get the worst of both worlds... the fear of infidelity and being replaced... and being replaced on what sounds like a regular basis.

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 14:25

Like I can message him
Now saying this isn't working, that's no problem but I'm reluctant to do that because I don't trust myself that I won't go back again and that's my problem I make myself look a complete fool over and over again and obviously hate the kids going through this! Why can't I just be strong and stay away and deal with the fact I might have to go through a few years of loneliness but it will be better for me in the end!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 15/01/2015 14:27

It won't take years. You will be better off straight away, even though you'll feel sad for a fair while.

Jan45 · 15/01/2015 14:33

Problem is you have got yourself into the situation where you split but then get back together again but nothing is resolved, you also don't give yourself time to even think what is it you actually want, until you have a separation of a reasonable amount of time you will just carry on going round in circles.

At least give yourself the chance to really think about what is you want, you can't do that whilst he is back and forth.

If he really wants you a few weeks apart or a month or so won't change that, he will wait.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 14:34

Men like this are the relationship equivalent of a bad habit. The circumstances are already unusual if you have 2 DCs, don't live together and break up on a regular basis. You're not a fool but the desperation and obsessional tone is clear.

So, like quitting any other bad habit, you need conviction, commitment and above all support. No-one enjoys loneliness. Being a lone parent is challenging. If you are not strong enough to stay away unilaterally you have to set up your environment so that it makes it easier rather than harder to be in touch. Tell others what you're doing so that they can intervene if they see you caving. Consider counselling as an outlet. Try to identify the usual pattern of behaviour so that you can anticipate and block. Give the 'clicky children's groups' a try even.... :)

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 14:35

We have just split up for a month got back together on Xmas day and he was still seeing a girl he had met whilst we were apart

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 14:50

When you said 'now saying this isn't working'... is it you saying that or a message from him?

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 14:53

Me saying it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 15:00

So what's your plan? It's not working... so.... what happens next? To make the separation happen I think you have to start thinking and acting like a separated person. Imagine your independent future. It'll mean cancelling that counselling appointment, for example... or maybe keeping it and just going by yourself for some help with the transition. Is your Mum up to speed with your problems and would she be supportive? Could you arrange to visit the distant friends you mentioned for a reality check? Then there are practical matters.. The holiday, for example. What's the arrangement with child maintenance and access ... could you do something there constructive that would cement the idea that this time it's over for good?

Realise all the above is pretty bossy.. :) But give it some thought

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 15:15

Access and maintenance is already I place not that he pays it!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 15:21

He doesn't support the children financially? I'm a little confused.... You don't live together, there's an access agreement in place (does he co-parent?), he is still cheating on you with someone but you're expected to get over it.... and you're all going on a jolly holiday next month that you've paid for?

I think you're going to have to fill in some of the back story because this is starting to not make a lot of sense

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 15:26

Sorry. Holiday was booked last year when everything was good. He doesn't live with me as we tried it for 5 months and he couldn't afford it (i think he still gambles) since November we setup access which is one night every weekend. He got the csa involved which is pittance so said he would double what they suggested but I've only had one payment from him and he's 7 weeks behind! He says he's has no money

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/01/2015 15:37

He sounds a total waste of space OP, sorry, seeing someone else when he's just back to you after a month break - he clearly sees you as second best, someone that will do in the meantime until he fucks off for good when he meets someone he thinks is better.

Sorry, you really need to wise up, there are men out there that don't behave like 12 year olds.

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 16:06

And he gambles?

What do you love about him OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 16:35

Yes you're right... the back-story does nothing to justify your strength of feeling for the guy. Dead beat Dad. Unfaithful. Unapologetic. Gambling problem. Happy to leave his own children short of money and let you pick up the whole tab.... A shiny and good looking shit is still a shit...

Who paid for the holiday again? What is he proposing to do for spending money if he has none? Hmm

Original poster
Mycrazylifeisthisone · 15/01/2015 16:42

I was guna pay for it

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 15/01/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.