Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

WIBU to stop making it easy for exP to DC?

68 replies

DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 10:12

Sorry about the title, I didn't know how to phrase it really.

I've had enough of exP and I want to say to him "give me a phone number, make arrangements that you will stick to or don't bother." but I don't know if IABU.

He expects me to ring and make all of the arrangements for his access, and if I don't then he doesn't see them. I didn't know this so I was waiting for him to contact me, and as a result DC (age 2 & 3) haven't seen him since boxing day. He won't set up a formal arrangement because "I don't plan ahead."

Last week I rang him and asked if he could see them- they were asking. We arranged for me to make the 2 hour journey (long walk, two trains, walk) to drop them off and then pick them up after because he had no money again to do the journey himself. I felt bad for DD who keeps asking to see him so I was going to do it despite it being a huge PITA for me.

Anyway, on the day I woke up feeling awful with a migraine so I rang to ask if he would meet me half way (well 20 minutes for him, over an hour for me still). He wouldn't. I offered to give him the money for it, he still said no. Then shouted at me for stopping him seeing his kids Confused

Then his mother got involved calling me names and now he won't speak to me at all, insisting on arranging things through my mum who is too busy to liaise between us.

He makes things difficult because he knows i'm spending time with DP and he doesn't like it. On boxing day he rang me to say he was dropping them off 2 hours early even though he knew I wasn't home and i'd arranged to get back in time for them to arrive home. I couldn't get back in time (was relying on a lift at a specific time) so he dropped them off where I was, and I had to put them in a car with no car seats in the snow, to drive 30 miles on the motorway. He didn't care at all, and in fact didn't even have car seats himself! Should point out that it's not his car, his mums, but they drive DC around when he sees them (obviously I only found this out on boxing day).

I've had enough, it costs me a fortune to do this all the time, he never takes responsibility for anything and it's upsetting the DC who already have issues after the break up.

So, am I being fair? And if i'm not, can you think of anything else I can do?

OP posts:
Theboodythatrocked · 15/01/2015 10:17

If he can't be bothered to keep his children safe and not use car seats he can't be trusted with their precious lives.

He's a Sperm doner not a daddy.

Ditch him.

newyear15 · 15/01/2015 10:17

No you are not being unfair. It is his responsibility to pick up and drop off too. And set times - not when he feels like it. And his mother - block her. And driving without car seats - that needs to never happen again.

WeirdCatLady · 15/01/2015 10:18

It sounds like you have done more than your fair share. I'd stop facilitating contact. If he wants to see them then he needs to be the one making the effort. I suspect that he won't make much effort unfortunately.

tracyrobo · 15/01/2015 10:20

You're children's safety needs to be prioritised here. He should not be allowed access till he sorts this out. Also it should be down to him to sort out his access and all the arrangements. Just stop. Sounds like your dc are best off without him unfortunately.

gamerchick · 15/01/2015 10:22

I don't push or deny contact. My youngest saw his dad on Christmas day only and has the seen him since then.

If your ex wants to see then then let him sort it out. I know it's tough when they ask for dad but it'll just go on and on with him taking the piss otherwise.

gamerchick · 15/01/2015 10:23

*hasn't

KirjavaTheCat · 15/01/2015 10:25

He is responsible for the relationship he has with his children, not you.

Tell him that he can see his children whenever he likes within reason, but it's him that's going to have to make the effort - you won't be driving them to him unless it's convenient for you.

The guy sounds like a total loser.

KirjavaTheCat · 15/01/2015 10:29

And when he can't be arsed to see them for months on end, ignore the cries of 'she's stopped me from seeing them, whatever happened to fathers' rights!"

It's sad for your children, but he doesn't sound a great rolemodel, it's men like him who give separated fathers a bad name.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 10:35

Thanks everyone.

How sad that he can't be arsed to sort himself out. When we split, he went four months without seeing dc and it really messed them up, especially after witnessing our relationship beforehand. It was heartbreaking and I never want them to go through it again but it looks like they'll have to eventually.

I should point out that he has MH issues although I don't know how much that plays a part in this.

I will speak to him in person on Saturday when I drop them off, and if he hasn't come up with some ideas by the time I pick them up i'll have to say no for next time. I've already told him to get car seats (even free ones, better than nothing) so i'll hopefully see that he's got some.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 10:48

Don't drop them off on Saturday - he needs car seats and to collect himself. What if on Saturday he has no car seats - you can't leave them there?

expatinscotland · 15/01/2015 10:52

YANBU. What everyone else said, don't facilitate. He is a loser.

notauniquename · 15/01/2015 11:05

It is his responsibility to pick up and drop off too.

I think that it's both parents responsibility to ensure that their DCs can see both of them.

It's crappy that he can't be bothered, but how is making it more difficult going to help the situation?

I'd suggest that you make sure that he comes to get them! (at least that way he can't say later in the day that he can't bring them back and force you to do both journeys.) if his mum wants to be so very involved then she can be -and help him pick up etc.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 11:13

On Saturday i'll be doing the drop off and pick up anyway, newyear, so they won't need to use a car. I thought it would give him some time to find the seats.

I don't want to make it more difficult out of spite, i'm just fed up with doing everything for him and when I ask him to meet me part way he gets aggressive. It costs a fortune and takes a whole day out of my week if i have to do both journeys.

I'm happy to do one journey, I like the idea of him picking up and me collecting them. That still involves a walk for me because I have to meet them somewhere away from home (they can't know where we live) so it sounds fair to me.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 11:18

Why can't they know where you live? And what is the aggressive bit about?

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 11:23

if they 'cannot know where you live' does that mean that they have been threatening or something in the past?
If so, please just stop facilitating contact. I used to do this too, because I felt it was so important for the kids.
But he couldnt even be arsed to wait for them in the end, and now tells anyone who will listen all about how 'she prevented me from seeing my kids'.
I will bet a tenner that your ex will do the same eventually.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 11:26

We moved house in October because he was threatening my DP (they don't get on, were friends before we got together so I can understand) and he came into our house when I was at work. Social services told us to move and not tell them where, but obviously they know the rough area now he's not a threat anymore.

By aggressive I mean he was shouting and calling me stupid etc. I told him to stop or I would pass the phone to DP to discuss arrangements because I shouldn't have to listen to it and he hung up. Then his mum text me to carry it on.

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 11:26

Sadly, Sunny, I think you might be right. Poor DD will be gutted, she loves him so much.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 11:27

It is up to him to arrange and facilitate contact not you.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 11:28

it is sad dino, so sad for the kids. But it is not YOU it is HIM

newyear15 · 15/01/2015 11:35

So why on earth are you facillitating contact between your children and an abuser (& his mother)?

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 11:41

He's good with the DC, they enjoy their time with him and his family (most of whom I like and trust) are always with him when they are there. At first his contact was supervised until I was happy that they were ok with him and he was capable of looking after them.

I've done my best, consulted every health professional, nursery worker and social worker I could contact to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

He's an arse to me and DP, but I understand him being hurt about our relationship so I let it go.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2015 11:55

YANBU.

Put it in writing to him that you will provide access to your children, but that you will no longer make first contact, that you expect him to call and arrange dates and times with you. Make it clear that he needs to provide car seats for the children, it is a legal requirement, that you will not permit them to enter a car without properly fitted child seats, and that he has now had plenty of time to get seats for them.

Then sit back and see what happens. Do not push for him to see the children, do not facilitate him. When his mother starts in, refer her to your email/letter and remind her that the reason he/she haven't seen the children is because of her son's refusal to provide safe transport or even to arrange contact. Refuse to engage with her/him beyond that.

Putting it in writing will make it very difficult for him to make any trouble for you in future. If you're still in contact with SS, maybe provide them with a copy of the email/letter.

He's not your responsibility. If he CHOOSES to behave in this way, it's all down to him. Do not allow him to control you.

sarascompact · 15/01/2015 12:20

He's not good with your DC. He refuses to see them unless you make all the arrangements and take/collect them and he puts their lives at risk.

Where does any of that make him a good father? He isn't capable of looking after them. Looking after them means putting them in car seats on road journeys. Car seats which are new, have never been dropped or in an accident.

He's using your children to get to you, to punish you for leaving and having a new partner, can you not see that? That's why he wants you to make the arrangements and do the travelling. That's why he brings the children back early.

His access arrangements are nothing to do with his mother. Don't deal with her, don't even speak to her if she's getting involved and calling you names. They've nothing to do with your mother. His access is neither her problem nor her responsibility and it isn't yours either!

All you need to do is make the children available to him on agreed days. If he can't agree them civilly and sensibly then let him go to court to fix it.

As it is he isn't to be trusted with your children. He's putting their lives at risk, threatening your DP and making your life difficult out of spite and you'd be very wise to follow WhereYouLeftIt's advice. Put it in writing. If he doesn't comply he doesn't get to see your children. If he wants to make an issue of that he can spend money taking it through a court and see what they say about him driving two kids around without car seats or trying to force you to do all the running to facilitate his access. With luck he'll do nothing and your children will be spared the damage that this man will otherwise cause.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 15/01/2015 12:29

He's not good with your DC. Otherwise this post wouldn't exist, and you'd be sharing pickups and he'd be calling to make arrangements because he'd be keen to see them, because he would be good with them.

He's a shit father who is hurting them and will continue to do so.

Your DC are going to be badly let down by this man, and the sooner it happens the better, sadly. Do as others have said. State your position, and leave it up to him.

He'll be out of their lives in a year and I'm sad to say that's probably the best option for your children's future happiness.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 12:39

You're right with what you're saying, I wish I hadn't allowed contact again and let him take me to court the first time. It's going to be even harder this time because I feel guilty about it.

This thread has really upset me, I'm not sure why. Something to do with facing up to the truth I should think. Poor, poor DD Sad

OP posts: