WIBU to stop making it easy for exP to DC?

[DinoRAUR]

Sorry about the title, I didn't know how to phrase it really.

I've had enough of exP and I want to say to him "give me a phone number, make arrangements that you will stick to or don't bother." but I don't know if IABU.

He expects me to ring and make all of the arrangements for his access, and if I don't then he doesn't see them. I didn't know this so I was waiting for him to contact me, and as a result DC (age 2 & 3) haven't seen him since boxing day. He won't set up a formal arrangement because "I don't plan ahead."

Last week I rang him and asked if he could see them- they were asking. We arranged for me to make the 2 hour journey (long walk, two trains, walk) to drop them off and then pick them up after because he had no money again to do the journey himself. I felt bad for DD who keeps asking to see him so I was going to do it despite it being a huge PITA for me.

Anyway, on the day I woke up feeling awful with a migraine so I rang to ask if he would meet me half way (well 20 minutes for him, over an hour for me still). He wouldn't. I offered to give him the money for it, he still said no. Then shouted at me for stopping him seeing his kids

Then his mother got involved calling me names and now he won't speak to me at all, insisting on arranging things through my mum who is too busy to liaise between us.

He makes things difficult because he knows i'm spending time with DP and he doesn't like it. On boxing day he rang me to say he was dropping them off 2 hours early even though he knew I wasn't home and i'd arranged to get back in time for them to arrive home. I couldn't get back in time (was relying on a lift at a specific time) so he dropped them off where I was, and I had to put them in a car with no car seats in the snow, to drive 30 miles on the motorway. He didn't care at all, and in fact didn't even have car seats himself! Should point out that it's not his car, his mums, but they drive DC around when he sees them (obviously I only found this out on boxing day).

I've had enough, it costs me a fortune to do this all the time, he never takes responsibility for anything and it's upsetting the DC who already have issues after the break up.

So, am I being fair? And if i'm not, can you think of anything else I can do?

No don't have any contact with his parents, they are nothing to do with this, the arrangement is between you and ex. Don't answer them.

Don't arrange contact, let him do the chasing and the arranging if he wants to see them.

The door should be closed for him, he is a looser, and very nasty poor father. Too right you should make him take responsibility, stop enabling him and making life easy for him. His responses speak volumes tbh, and that should be a huge wake up call for you.

Possession of a vagina does not give you super contact-organising powers. Possession of a penis does not make you incapable of contact-organising if you're motivated to see and parent your kids. I always find it rather insulting to the millions of good fathers out there when there are implications that women should run around organising contact for their exes - is it because poor little men, bless? Or because children need a father so even if you have to plead, organise and do it all his way or he'll throw his toys out of the pram and refuse to see them - and he's got a history of abuse - better you entice and organise him into seeing your kids sometimes so at least they have some father time, because that's what you have to do for men sometimes? It seems left over ingrained gender roles.

I'd think of it in the weaning terms: don't offer, don't refuse. I'm all for fathers rights and involvement if they care about and are motivated, committed parents to their kids. If he isn't bothered or motivated or mature enough to parent by himself the way he and the world expect you to get on with (possession of vagina?), then unfortunately the kids are going to be hurt by this eventually, no matter how long you stall it. I know that doesn't sound very comforting.

I never thought of him as controlling before, he always seems so down and useless with everything it's hard to think of him manipulating me.

My mum will fall out with me about stopping contact again, which I could do without. Luckily I have DP, who is brilliant and will keep me strong when it's tough.

Honestly, I feel like such a bad mother when I think of all the things he's done since they were born, and still I stayed with him. And now he's walking all over me again and I'm the one feeling guilty. I don't know how he does it.

But you're not stopping contact, you're going to make them available for contact he just isn't going to bother coming to collect them/take them out!

What has it got to do with your mum? Does she know what an utter loser he is, plus how he and his mother are abusive towards you.

I would think stopping your children being exposed to him and his family would make you a good mother. Why people think children need a father at all costs is beyond me - well it is when the father is clearly no good for them at all.

It will be seen like that though, Random, though I don't know why I care.

My mum is one of my main supports and I need her to be on board. She can be quite critical of me and DP but she likes exP, even after seeing what he put us through. She supervised his contact at first so he could see them again.

Newyear my own Dad was not brilliant for a long time when I was younger, but contact was kept up by my Nan and Mum who made sure I saw him. I'm sure that's guided my thoughts on this, because I'm really pleased they did and he bucked his ideas up eventually.

You are right though, this is different and my Dad was never abusive to anyone, neither was his family. He just had his priorities wrong.

Let your Mum do the running around then? Or have the dc for the day and sort it out

Imagine you didn't live with your kids for some reason. What would you do to see them? What lengths would you go to?

This gobshite can't even be arsed to speak to her on the phone. That's how much he loves her. All he wants to do is use her to abuse you.

What Jengnr said. :(

He is using the children to piss you off. He is bitter and twisted because you moved on with life and he feels he deserved a better life than he has.

He thought you'd grovel for him, beg and plead for his love. You moved on, met someone and he looks at your happy life and hates it.

Your dc are your weak point, hurt them and he'll hurt you. Just out of interest did he ever tell you that you are a bad mum. I just wonder as that is a worry of yours. Most losers use this phrase at some point, it's so common it's boring!

He's a bad egg. Wonder if your mum is sympathetic because she enabled your father and feels men are not very capable?

Contact is for the good of the children, a father who doesn't turn up and risks their lives with no car seat etc is not a good father. Let him work for contact, he may appreciate his dc more.

Thanks, just come back to this again today.

I feel much better after deciding what to do, which is let tomorrow go ahead but stop chasing him after that. I'll tell him (and write it in a letter) what our plan is and that he has a chance to sort himself out. DP will be coming with me which I'm worried about but I don't want to talk to him on my own.

Yes he did, usually in relation to 'moving on so quickly' and 'different men coming in and out' because I had a few friends visit me when he left.

OP, can I suggest that you ask for this to be moved to Relationships? Loads of women on there have been through this and can advise you on the best things to do.

Hello

We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

Thanks MNHQ

Bumping this for you OP.

I would make sure that you keep up traceable written contact (email or text) rather than speaking on the phone. On a weekly basis, tell him when the children will be available for contact, ideally giving him a choice of days, and ask when he would like to collect them (with car seats).