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Original poster

WIBU to stop making it easy for exP to DC?

68 replies

DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 10:12

Sorry about the title, I didn't know how to phrase it really.

I've had enough of exP and I want to say to him "give me a phone number, make arrangements that you will stick to or don't bother." but I don't know if IABU.

He expects me to ring and make all of the arrangements for his access, and if I don't then he doesn't see them. I didn't know this so I was waiting for him to contact me, and as a result DC (age 2 & 3) haven't seen him since boxing day. He won't set up a formal arrangement because "I don't plan ahead."

Last week I rang him and asked if he could see them- they were asking. We arranged for me to make the 2 hour journey (long walk, two trains, walk) to drop them off and then pick them up after because he had no money again to do the journey himself. I felt bad for DD who keeps asking to see him so I was going to do it despite it being a huge PITA for me.

Anyway, on the day I woke up feeling awful with a migraine so I rang to ask if he would meet me half way (well 20 minutes for him, over an hour for me still). He wouldn't. I offered to give him the money for it, he still said no. Then shouted at me for stopping him seeing his kids Confused

Then his mother got involved calling me names and now he won't speak to me at all, insisting on arranging things through my mum who is too busy to liaise between us.

He makes things difficult because he knows i'm spending time with DP and he doesn't like it. On boxing day he rang me to say he was dropping them off 2 hours early even though he knew I wasn't home and i'd arranged to get back in time for them to arrive home. I couldn't get back in time (was relying on a lift at a specific time) so he dropped them off where I was, and I had to put them in a car with no car seats in the snow, to drive 30 miles on the motorway. He didn't care at all, and in fact didn't even have car seats himself! Should point out that it's not his car, his mums, but they drive DC around when he sees them (obviously I only found this out on boxing day).

I've had enough, it costs me a fortune to do this all the time, he never takes responsibility for anything and it's upsetting the DC who already have issues after the break up.

So, am I being fair? And if i'm not, can you think of anything else I can do?

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 12:50

Does he pay any maintenance? Not that that is ties in with him seeing them btw. They are both separate issues.

Sorry you are upset btw. Didn't want to hurt you.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 12:57

Maintenance? No, never. He bought them a pack of wipes and a blanket for the way home about 2 months ago I think. When he had them over dinner time I paid for their dinner because he couldn't afford it.

That's ok, I needed someone to tell me the truth. Everyone else seems to be on 'his side' because he struggles with life.

OP posts:
Pico2 · 15/01/2015 13:03

How far apart do you live? When you split, which of you move out if the area? I get the impression that the person who moved away is usually responsible for the bulk if the travel. That doesn't change the many othe issues you have with access.

newyear15 · 15/01/2015 13:06

So why won't you pursue a claim via the CMS for maintenance? Because he is 'fragile' and you don't want to feel like the bad guy. Yet you spend a fortune running round doing his bidding which is enabling him to abuse you through your children. Plus putting them at risk. And his mother threatens you also.

Don't you think you coping with it all on your own without any valid input from him may mean you find it hard to struggle with life sometimes? Yet you carry on doing the best for your kids. Which is completely opposite to what he does isn't it.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 13:07

We both did Pico. He moved back to family (30 miles away) and I stayed in the house. We moved a few months ago as well but we live closer now than before, even with everything going on we made sure access was as easy as possible. We live 20 miles away now.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 15/01/2015 13:08

I agree with everyone else. Doesn't make the effort to see his dc, can't be arsed to keep him safe, his mother abuses you too (??), and he's a loser who freeloads and doesn't even pay for his own dc. Tell him to fuck off. Your dc will be happier in the long run.

Agree with WhereYouLeftIt about writing to him so you know where everyone stands.

You just can't trust him - if he's cavalier about car safety, what is he like about everything else? And what the hell will he and his mum be saying about you to your poor dc? They sound awful.

If he gets in touch and wants to see the dc, all you have to do is make them available. NOT take them to him and pick them up!

Tinkerball · 15/01/2015 13:15

Definitely put it all in writing, that advice is spot on. In fact if you could get a solictor to do it even better.

Tinkerball · 15/01/2015 13:21

And if anyone is threatening you then I would get the Police involved to.

youmakemydreams · 15/01/2015 13:23

You need to stop calling him to arrange access. It is hard you will feel guilty because you live your children and don't want to hurt them but it's not your fault.
Like a poster above said put it in writing. Email him outlining everything. That you are happy for him to see the dc either outline an arrangement that is suitable to you or whenever he likes within reason. But that he has to contact you to arrange it as that is not your responsibility. That you are happy to share travelling I would be inclined to make him collect them because if you drop him off you run the risk of him then saying he can't/won't bring th back and you'll have to collect them. And that he must have car seats for them.
Then disengage. Do not get into it with his mother or anyone else. She doesn't need to be involved in any discussion with you. If he rants hang up on him. Tell him ou will only communicate by email unless he cannot be civil. Everything he says to you re. Access. Ranting the lot. Email an outline of the conversation to him keeping a paper trail of anything you have discussed.
Tbh he won't take you to court. My ex threatened it so many times but if he's too lazy to sort himself out and aee the kids he is not going to put in the work of taking you to court.

He is not a good dad. In the long run being in and out their lives is possibly worse than just being out. You can hold your head up and know you did your best to facilitate contact and he has chosen not to bother.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/01/2015 13:39

He certainly doesn't sound like a good dad.
Aggressive.
Absent.
Disinterested.
No car seats.

I'm not suggesting stopping contact or deliberately making it awkard, but it should be a two way thing. Currently it sounds like you do 99% of the work.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2015 13:45

From everything you post, it really sounds like sooner or later your children are going to be hurt by this man - because he just doesn't care Sad. This being the case I suggest you get this over with whilst they are young. Stop doing all/any of the running round. Tell your poor dd that you are sorry but you don't know when she's going to see daddy (don't criticise him but don't make excuses either). Either he'll wake up (result) or pass quietly from their lives - sadly this will probably be a good thing.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 15:20

Thanks everyone, looks like I've got a letter to be writing. I'll let them go on Saturday, and give him the letter then so I know he's got it. Unfortunately I don't have an email from him because he blocked me from everything.

Last time, we told DD he was poorly in his head so he couldn't see them until he was better. Not sure what i'll say to her this time, but she already panics when I leave the house without her and DS thinks I'm leaving forever. Oh, it's hard isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 16:17

What a fucking arsehole. He just rang, I explained that he needs to pick them up and his response? "I can't, it's too far." and it's my fault I moved so far from the train station so I should suck it up and do the journey to meet him 'half way' (actually 80%).

He carried on like that, saying he hasn't got the money but we have so it's no problem for us to take the cost. I said I didn't have the money either because they need clothes etc. He said I should have got them some for Christmas?!

Then said he was going, I reminded him DD wanted to talk and he said "For fucks sake." They haven't spoken since boxing day and that's what he thinks!

Fucking arsehole wanker of a man.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 16:47

Which just shows you are right in making him do the pick ups and drop offs. Please don't back down.

Is he working?

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 16:54

Yes, it does. I don't feel bad for him any more, just angry that he's so bloody difficult.

No, he's on ESA but he does bits and bobs of landscaping when he can.

No way am I backing down now, I have offered him everything. Any time, any day he wants them he can. Now he's forced me into doing it this way.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 15/01/2015 17:05

A lot of people have MH issues. I have MH issues. It's not a license to be an arsehole. Seems like his family might be enabling him, has he sought treatment?
Whether he has or not, you shouldn't be facilitating contact just because he is fucking useless. Do you trust him to get proper car seats anyway? It sounds like he'd be happy with a couple from a skip.

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 17:18

I have MH issues too but I make sure I have the back up I need to care for DC if I'm not doing so well. Not sure if he is having treatment, he was a few months ago but I think it's stopped now.

No, I don't really trust him. I was hoping he would get his arse into gear but I doubt he will. Would the court check he has that sort of thing before they make a court order?

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 17:32

Does he have the thousands of pounds it will cost to take you to court? Because as I understand it that is what he will need.

missymayhemsmum · 15/01/2015 17:34

I'd let him and his family know that he can see them when he is well enough to make an arrangement and stick to the arrangement and behave appropriately and look after the children, and not before. That means using car seats, collecting them/ dropping them back on time, providing them with meals and not being aggressive in their presence. Till he can do that, he can't see them.

But you could make it clear to his family that this doesn't mean that they can't see the children, you're happy for his Mum to be a proper grandma etc, (if you trust her after the carseats incident?) and that what you would really like is for him to be a responsible Dad, you just recognise that unfortunately he isn't well enough for the responsibility and you are doing what you need to do to protect the children.

It sounds as though he is getting something out of keeping you off balance, or is just in too chaotic a state to look after children, and you need to take back control and set what you think are the right boundaries.

Good luck!

yellowdinosauragain · 15/01/2015 17:36

Bollocks to facilitating contact with his parents! When his mum has called the op names and now won't talk to her? Fuck. That.

yellowdinosauragain · 15/01/2015 17:37

But a big fat yes to this:

I'd let him and his family know that he can see them when he is well enough to make an arrangement and stick to the arrangement and behave appropriately and look after the children, and not before. That means using car seats, collecting them/ dropping them back on time, providing them with meals and not being aggressive in their presence. Till he can do that, he can't see them

Original poster
DinoRAUR · 15/01/2015 18:10

No he doesn't, newyear, that's why I feel guilty going down this route.

I will say that to his family, and have always said to his Dad and Step mum that they are welcome to take DC out or something if they want to but they didn't bother last time. I don't trust his mum an inch, I would rather they never saw her again but that's not down to me unfortunately. The other day was the thin end of the wedge of her abuse towards me.

He is definitely getting something out of it. He sees it as I've walked away with everything and he has nothing, but he drove me to it by being abusive. Now I've got DP he can't handle it.

The door has always, and will always be, open to him. If he gets his act together then great, I really hope he does for DC sake.

OP posts:
newyear15 · 15/01/2015 18:12

so the ball is in your court then. Not bending over backwards and protecting them from him and his family doesn't make you a bad person.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2015 18:20

Stop enabling him, he has to take responsibility. He has to pay for his travel, you should not! He sounds like a deadbeat dad.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2015 18:21

"I reminded him DD wanted to talk and he said "For fucks sake." "
Sad Well at least it makes it crystal clear just how much he wants to see them - he really doesn't, does he Sad? Access is all about punishing you, controlling you, maybe hoping to flare your MH issues up for you. He's just a spiteful little shit.

"I don't feel bad for him any more, just angry that he's so bloody difficult."
Hold on to that anger, it will make it far more difficult for him to manipulate you. Because that's what he's been doing, manipulating you to run around, pay his way, put up with his nonsense; because he had made you feel bad. Which makes you a nice considerate person and him a complete tosser.