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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Planning on going to the police tomorrow....

105 replies

Darcey2105 · 13/01/2015 23:19

I've been in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I've left 3 times, filed for divorce and everything, but still not managed to break free.

He just grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the kitchen. I'm planning to go into our local police station tomorrow and tell them, just to make the point more than anything.

And really to show to myself that I'm dealing with it, and not ignoring it.

What can I expect when I go into the police station tomorrow, and what should I say?

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 28/02/2015 23:29

Can you go and see your boss on Monday and say you've made a big mistake and you would like to withdraw your notice? If they haven't found a replacement yet you might still be able to get it back.

AdoraBell · 28/02/2015 23:47

Could you talk To you employers about reversing your resignación? Is the Job still available or have they already hired a replacement? I think you need your Job To give you a focus outside of this sitúation.

Call the legal Aid solícitor back, pester them, don't sit and wait for them To call back. You need help an advize and you need it now.

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 01/03/2015 10:38

Well he just grabbed and twisted my arm up my back :(.

Yeah I'll try phoning the legal aid solicitor and women's aid again tomorrow.

I'll try hard with my work, its not a simple job that I can get back, as I was only on a short term contract, but I did the opposite of acting willing and refused every opportunity they offered me [NOT MY OWN DOING OF COURSE] I'll try as hard as I can to keep on their books, but it's so hard when I'm trying to get out of this marriage from hell, and help my parents look for a flat for me.

I suppose the way to go now is to get a solicitor's help. But when I filed for divorce last time, I ended up spending £5000 on the solicitor overall. I haven't got that kind of money now, and hopefully I'll get legal aid. But I think the reason I spent that money is that I was looking to the solicitor for support, and they don't support you. They just tell you legally what your options are, and they don't tell you what to do. So it is a hard path to navigate on your own.

Now I know I can call women's aid for support. But they are 30 miles away, and it is not easy to get appointments to talk to them, and get there with my kids.

It's a total nightmare - I cannot see a way out.

OP posts:
deste · 01/03/2015 10:42

Just call the police and get him removed now.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 10:45

report him to the police

he is assaulting you

an assault charge on file will strengthen a claim for legal aid

you don't have to live like this

Coconutty · 01/03/2015 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/03/2015 11:00

Call the police again.
Forget about saying in that house, ask your parents to pay for a deposit and rent on a rented house. You'll get sufficient benefits. This is what I did, best thing I ever did!

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 11:12

Call the police and get him out.

Get an injunction and it will give you space to breath.

op walking away from it all is far better than broken bones or even worse. Think about your kids. They don't need to be around this bastard. Pack your studio and go to your parents and plan your life from there Flowers

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 01/03/2015 11:52

Ok, his mum has now arrived for the day. I can't call the police now, but I'll call 101 tomorrow and talk to them about it when he's not around.

Re my job, he said he would do the childcare for my remaining days, he's now saying he's not going to do it. Why can't he just go away and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 11:58

all the time you stay and expect him to act like a reasonable person, you are wasting time

why are you hosting his mum for the day ?

this is not a family any more, it was broken the very first time he put his hands on you

sweetheart....take your kids and go to your parents, fuck his mother and fuck him

Twinklestein · 01/03/2015 12:20

It's very important that you phone the police and log the most recent event. It will be absolutely key in trying to get Legal Aid.

Another key element is to go to your back to your GP, tell them how that the stress with the dv has been so bad you've had to quit your job. This is important because you can ask your GP to write a letter to support your claim to Legal Aid.

In the mean time I would discuss with Women's Aid trying to get an injunction. The most recent assault will help, as will any recent threats - but you must report them to the police.

It may be possible to get an emergency non-molestation order free through the www.ncdv.org.uk/ It may also be possible to get an occupation order for the house - which would mean he would have to leave. I would telephone the NCDV and they can talk you through what is required to qualify for an emergency injunction.

You also can try your local Domestic Violence One Stop Shop - google to see if there are any in your area.

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 01/03/2015 12:24

Thanks Twinklestein I'll try all that. I appreciate all this online hlp, as i'm not really telling anyone in real life, not even my parents everything, as I'd need to carry the burden of their worry on top of it all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 12:32

The advice from all of us on here is to tell people in RL. It is helping no one and shielding no one but your abuser to put on a brave front.

Start telling everyone and stop protecting him. It is harming you and harming your children.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 12:33

darcey AF is right. Why are you hosting his mother and pretending things are normal. They are not love. Her son is abusing you. If this was one of your children, would you expect then to host the mother of the Man that was abusing you?

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 01/03/2015 12:57

It sounds like you think I've got a choice in the matter as whether to host his mum - I don't.

i'm trying to get rid of him. But they are not going to help me do that. His family know some details like he was arrested, but most of them have cut me out, and he's told loads of lies about me, like I've got postnatal depression.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 13:00

No one is expecting you to get his family on board. They are a lost cause. Like him, and like your relationship.

Keep pushing forward to get all of them out of your life.

freelanceconundrum · 01/03/2015 13:02

Ok. What in absolute terms is stopping you from calling the police right this minute?

RandomNPC · 01/03/2015 13:03

Yes to what AF said!

RJnomore · 01/03/2015 13:05

He tells them you have post natal depression, and they cut you out?

Bloody hell.

I think what AF is getting at is, why are you tempering what you do to suit him and his family? Phone the police now. If they arrive while his mother is there so what? If she is any type of decent human being she will be appalled by what he has done, and if she isn't, who cares what she thinks? Why are you still protecting him - and his family?

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 13:07

Darcey, what would he do if you simply said you are going out for the day and he will have to host his mother ?

Would he hurt you again ?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 01/03/2015 13:09

"Re my job, he said he would do the childcare for my remaining days, he's now saying he's not going to do it."
Op you are going through shit and I can't imagine how tough it is, but why would you ever consider him looking after dc? I wouldn't let him look after a pet rock.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 13:13

Darcey, the only way to free yourself is to make all arrangements that do not rely on him in any way. You open yourself up to his manipulations when he drops you in the shit at the last minute, just because he can. And he will.

DollyTwat · 01/03/2015 15:16

Maybe having his mum there is a good opportunity. Call the police. She can take him with her

ElsieMc · 01/03/2015 16:35

Please call the police now. It doesn't matter about his mother - she needs to leave now.

You absolutely must get him out as matters are escalating. I know, because this happened to my dd. She did not tell us although we suspected as much. She told us the strangulation bruising marks on her neck were love bites. Even the Police warned her she must leave and she must never go back. She was at high risk of death and there is so much more than I can say here. She was so thin we thought she had a serious eating disorder.

You need to get an injunction on Monday morning so you absolutely MUST call the Police. Courts are open and your solicitor needs to get before a Judge or Magistrate and get an emergency ex parte hearing for you.

I agree with Dolly, he can go with his lovely mummy.

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 02/03/2015 12:56

Well I plucked up the courage and phoned the police today, they've just been round. I don't think they'll take it any further, but there is a small chance they will.

Even phoning the police is such a horrible and frightening thing to go through on your own.

I'm also meeting a solicitor on Thursday. I'm going to try and get my husband out of the house. It's easy to think about it, and I can imagine how great it will be when he's gone. But I'm soooo scared of actually doing it.

I don't really have any close friends who can help me as I've moved so many times over the last few years. I'm feeling really shaky right now.

OP posts: