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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Planning on going to the police tomorrow....

105 replies

Darcey2105 · 13/01/2015 23:19

I've been in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I've left 3 times, filed for divorce and everything, but still not managed to break free.

He just grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the kitchen. I'm planning to go into our local police station tomorrow and tell them, just to make the point more than anything.

And really to show to myself that I'm dealing with it, and not ignoring it.

What can I expect when I go into the police station tomorrow, and what should I say?

OP posts:
PoppyField · 15/01/2015 17:49

He should not have come back home. Er, what's going on?

He needs to be removed from your home. And the police should have charged him. This is a case where things are definitely NOT FINE at home.

He's scary OP. Have you rung Women's Aid? What makes you think he is not going to do this again?

whattodoforthebest2 · 15/01/2015 17:51

I'm glad you got really good support from the police.

Now can you ring Women's Aid and find out how to get him out of your house permanently so he can't harrass you and you can live your life in peace?

Please don't let your guard down - tbh I'm very concerned that he's been allowed back to your home. I'd have thought you could be in even more danger now that he's seen you standing up for yourself.

Please think about your children - your personal safety and theirs. I hope you realise that this can't stop here. You need to keep taking those steps to get rid of him.

You sound so strong Darcey, stay strong. (((hugs)))

ElectraCute · 15/01/2015 17:53

Hang on, hang on - he grabbed you around the neck, threw you across the room? And the police released him without charge to go home to you? And this is 'fine'?

I'm sorry, none of this is your fault at all but honestly, you can't seriously think this is 'fine'? He will just do it again, you know that don't you?

He needs to LEAVE.

OurMiracle1106 · 15/01/2015 17:58

He won't leave. You need to get an harrassment order. Do you own the property or is it rented? You need to get possession rights. The police should have helped with this or at least advised you of it.

Please do it now.

MyRightFoot · 15/01/2015 18:01

sounds like he denied it. was it explained why he wasnt charged? was he cautioned? u need him out of the house. call dv police unit and find out whats going on. this will not change his behaviour im afraid, please dont back down.

newyear15 · 15/01/2015 18:14

bloody hell - this has to be a wind up? They let him come home and no charges? That can't be right.

glammanana · 15/01/2015 18:17

Reading this from the beginning and now reading he is back in the family home scares me to death,he cannot be trusted and as soon as you get rid the better for you and your little ones,there is every chanse he will play the good guy for a day or two and snap so get DV unit to arrange for you to get restraining order asap. Take care of yourself & your little ones.ps can you have someone stay with you whilst this is going on ? There is no chance he will change his ways so please don't be taken in by a change of his mood or actions.

kaykayred · 15/01/2015 18:52

Sweetheart. Him spending a night in the cell then going home like usual doesn't send the message "don't mess with me". It sends the message "I can throw her across the room by her throat then walk home the next day like nothing happened"

I think you are really, really misjudging this situation.

Have you considered speaking to a solicitor and trying to work out if it would be possible to get HIM removed from the house, so you can stay there with the children? If needs be, could they get a court order to force a house sale (if you own property)?

I think you are in a lot of danger right now my love.

HotChocWithMarshmallows · 15/01/2015 21:35

Phoning the police on him has clearly been a huge step for you.

Things are fine at home. I think it's given him the message not to mess with me.

Let's say he has the message that you are willing to call the police, after a few hours, if he throws you by the throat across room.

Do you think he will:
a) have a complete personality change,
b) wait for a while then punish you to make sure you never dare call them again?

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2015 21:43

Is Vicarinatutu around? She will know what has gone wrong here

Lweji · 15/01/2015 22:15

He will also have got the message that the police won't do much.
Violence is not the only type of abuse and it may even not be the worst sometimes.

Do you want to be in a relationship where your husband just doesn't hit you because you may call the police? Really?

MyRightFoot · 16/01/2015 02:20

i thought. when my ex was convicted it would teach him a lesson. i even got back with him. the violence got worse cos he couldnt forgive me going to police. please dont. think u have the upper hand here, he will just get craftier.

MinceSpy · 16/01/2015 03:16

Doubt OP will come back she thinks she has solved her problem. Wonder how she will react when SS contact her.

wickedlazy · 16/01/2015 03:24

They will give you the option to make an official statement and ask do you want to press charges. If you do, he will be arrested, possibly face trial and depending on how that goes, if he is found guilty or not, a sentence. You will probably have someone from social services, or a health visitor come out to chat to you about the welfare of your children (They will be helpful, and will not remove them from you. Their contact with their father could be restricted in the mean time). If he is arrested and charged, they could release him until the trial, and you could both be ordered to have no contact with each other until then.

I think you would be right to go through with it.

wickedlazy · 16/01/2015 03:37

Can't believe he wasn't charged!

My dp was physically abusive with me, but it was alcohol related. I had the police remove him from our home (in my name at the time) after a particularly nasty episode. I didn't press charges in the end. It was a real eye opener for him. They gave him a complete verbal bollocking, the type he's never had from anyone but me, and it struck a chord (he has a lot of respect for the police/in awe of authority figures). That was several years ago, and he hasn't touched me since. He was also quite young at the time and I think this factored in too. But I understand this isn't usually the case.

I hope things change op. If he touches you again, then consider him having blown his final chance, and phone the police again, do as others above have said, womens aid etc. For your childrens sake as much as your own.

FatChanceCafe · 16/01/2015 07:11

I think you NEED to listen to what people are saying.Do you REALLY think he's had a personality transplant in one night.You are being RIDICULOUS thinking he won't mess with you.

minibmw2010 · 16/01/2015 07:53

What do you mean 'things are fine'? I genuinely don't understand. Do you honestly think he'll have spent a night in the cells and won't be thinking along the lines of 'that bit&h isn't getting away with this'? You need a restraining order at the least and he needs to leave !!!! Hmm

KatyLovesKats · 17/01/2015 16:10

Are you ok Darcey? Concerned about you and your children. Don't be afraid to keep posting, even if you've decided not to pursue the matter. It will still be encouraging and supportive to have people to "talk" to.

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 23/01/2015 14:59

I'm back after a totally exhausting week. This is going to be a long term process, and I never thought for a moment that I would make one call to the police and that would be him removed from my life forever. I was just glad the police took it as seriously as they did. And I'm glad I'm now being given access to all the support I so desperately need.

What happened was more of a shove to my chest and the bottom of my throat. It was still violent, but not as bad as it sounded when I originally wrote it.

Things are normal at home really, he is a psychopathic lunatic, that's not going to change. I just need loads of support o get out of this situation. I've tried to do it on my own with a lot of talk from family and friends but no action.

I've been trying to get in touch with woman's aid today as I keep missing their calls. I hope they can help me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/01/2015 15:52

Look, a push to the chest at the base of the throat is still serious. If he had hit the throat it could have crushed your windpipe.

What happened with your relatives? Did you ask for specific help, such as a place to sleep?
I have a friend whom I've told I'll be there for her and she has a place at my home, if she needs it. But she will have to tell me when she wants to leave. Otherwise it will feel like I'm pushing her.

DeliciousMonster · 23/01/2015 15:55

Are you married and is the house yours or both? And rented or mortgaged?

Lweji · 23/01/2015 15:58

Definitely consider an injunction, or alternative housing, depending on your situation.

cottageinthecountry · 23/01/2015 17:21

Glad to hear you are OK and getting support. Well done for getting so far. What was it that stopped you leaving before - you obviously want to do it and have every intention, perhaps it will help to look at what's stopped you in the past.

Original poster
Darcey2105 · 24/01/2015 08:16

Nothing stopped me leaving in the past, I left 3 times, one time I was sofa surfing with my 3mth old baby. The other time I was homeless with a 9mth old baby and still keep a full time job, and the next time I was pregnant and homeless with a toddler and trying to keep down a full time job. Totally horrific, and I refuse to be homeless again.

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 24/01/2015 09:25

Keep trying with Women's Aid - they'll know what steps you should take right now so that you can start the ball rolling. You and your DC need to be protected from him and that may mean an injunction. They can advise you properly.

Blimey, Darcey, you sound very resilient and resourceful keeping it together like this. I know you think it won't happen overnight, but with the right advice, you could have him out of your life very quickly. It might be worth seeing if there are any other DV helplines you can get in touch with who can give you help today. Don't wait for the next angry episode.