Planning on going to the police tomorrow....

[Darcey2105]

I've been in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I've left 3 times, filed for divorce and everything, but still not managed to break free.

He just grabbed me by the throat and threw me across the kitchen. I'm planning to go into our local police station tomorrow and tell them, just to make the point more than anything.

And really to show to myself that I'm dealing with it, and not ignoring it.

What can I expect when I go into the police station tomorrow, and what should I say?

And try Gingerbread for advice on money and benefits, debts, housing etc.

OK so why did you keep going back, was it just the housing issue?

I've got an appointment with citizens advice bureau tomorrow. I made the appointment a few weeks ago, and it was quite hard to get the appointment so I want to make sure I get the most out of it. I want to find out what benefits I can get when I finally get rid of H. Is there anything else I should be finding out?

Yes we're married and we jointly own our house. Although I'm barely earning any money, so his salary pays the mortgage. If we finally manage to separate

Oops was still typing. Basically, I want him out, but I couldn't keep the house on by myself.

If I left the house though I doubt he'd give me any money from it, as he'd say it was all his money that paid for it. Even though my name is on the mortgage

There is still a thing called spousal maintenance, for SAHP, to compensate for loss of earnings.
If you want to stay in the house with the children, you could have maintenance coming to pay for that. A solicitor would best advice in that respect.
He doesn't get to decide whether he "gives" you any percentage of the house. The law decides. You could get a larger % as a sort of lump sum to replace spousal maintenance.
Also, he didn't pay for the house. It was a joint income, not his.

Get a shit hot lawyer on it and take him for all that you and your children deserve.

One step at a time Darcey. You're married and you joint own the house. You get to stay in it and he and the tax credits system will have to top up the shortfall. Try entitledto.com or those other benefits websites.

I second what Lweji says - it's not his decision whether to help you out or not. The court will decide what is a fair division of your joint assets and to what extent he should support you financially if you are looking after your children in the FMH.

The advisers at CAB are very experienced in these matters and should be able to help, although of course they aren't legal eagles. Explain the situation fully to them and that'll be a good first step on the road to getting rid of him.

Good luck

My understanding is that, in the eyes of the law, a SAHP's contribution is equal to the main wage-earner's, so if your name is on the mortgage, your starting point for negotiation at mediation is 60%. More than likely you will get a bigger cut than this if the children will be spending most of their time with you.

Ask about a Mesher Order as sometimes you get the right to stay in the house until the children leave full time education. Then you sell and split the profit.

CAB will tell you what benefits you can claim. I didn't work and was entitled to Job Seeker's Allowance and Child Tax Credits. If you work more than 16 hours you will not get Job Seeker's Allowance but you will get Child Tax Credits and Working Tax Credits. You should also be getting Family Allowance (Child Benefit) and maintenance for the children from your ex-h.

Claiming JSA entitles you to a Council Tax Reduction (you may not have to pay any) and free school meals.

If you are the only adult in the house you are definitely entitled to a 25% deduction on your Council Tax if you work.

Go and see a solicitor! You are doing really well.

Thanks all for all your comments. I really appreciate it, as I'm not really talking about it in real life with anyone. And the advice you give is really good!

CAB was a bit frightening actually. The lady was really helpful, but the amount of money I'd get is barely anything. I'd need maintenance from evil husband.

She said I should come back when I know exactly what my situation is, as there are too many 'what if's at the moment for her to give me one plan of action.

Next week I'm meeting women's aid for their IDVA help. Does anyone know about that? What kind of help will that give me?

The other factor I'm getting confused about is that my parents have been saying for about a year that they will buy me a flat to move into with the children. Meaning that when I leave, I leave for good and I've no danger of being homeless again. It sounds good but there's been a lot of talk but not much action.

I've been adamant that they buy it in the town I live in, so I can keep my job and friends, children can keep school and there's generally the minimum of upheaval. But they have started back tracking recently saying I should come and live in their town instead.

They live in a small town on the diagonally opposite side of London. The towns are very similar, but with the difference I would need to start all over again living there.

There are so many options, I don't know what to do first and how to get rid of my husband.

Hi Darcey, regarding where you want to live, children will make friends anywhere and are fairly adaptable so I wouldn't let that put you off. If your parents want to buy you a flat in a particular place it's not really very helpful to you though so you do need to challenge what exactly they are prepared to do for you and what their motivations are. You can't move somewhere and be tied to it. If they are prepared to do this then how about they buy a place and you rent it out as a buy to let, using the cash to top up your mortgage - alternatively they could buy husband out of his half of the house if it becomes too much for you to manage on your own. If they want a return for their money you could get lodgers in etc.
Perhaps you need to think about what you really really want and just stick to that as a guideline for other things you want to do.
It could be very useful to live near them if they are prepared to help with childcare etc but it depends on your relationship with them and how much you want them in your life I guess.
Sorry for the rambly post!

I looks like you need to clarify that situation with your parents.
They sound controlling, btw, and using the house to bring you closer to them. Up to you, but then you should decide if that is the case, one way or the other. If they offer regardless of where you move, then start the process asap.

Darcey, your evil husband will have to pay maintenance.

Decide what you want to do and ask your parents to support you in your choice. Like cottage say, there are lots of options.

Keep going.

Please just get out and go and live with your parents for a while. If the kids come out of school for a bit then so be it. Perhaps you just need to taste some safe freedom to urge you on to getting out for good.

Hi, Darcy - is it worth asking them if they'd help you out by paying the rent on a flat for a while, in a location that suits you for work, school etc? Then you're not committed long-term, but you'll have somewhere of your own where you can start afresh. Then, if they're supporting you, you'd be able to buy somewhere a bit later on when things are a bit calmer and without needing to rush into anything.

Tbh, I can imagine that they'd like you to be close by, so that they can keep an eye on you, but maybe just helping you to get out and move somewhere safe and convenient would be a good thing for them to do?

I'd need maintenance from evil husband. - you're entitled to maintenance from him. There's no reason why he shouldn't make a fair contribution towards housing, food and clothing for his children and maintenance for you.

Yes it would be reassuring to be near them, but I've uprooted my life so many times in the last few years, changed job and childcare for the children lots of times. Tried really hard to make new friends then fled and lost them. So I chose where we're living carefully so I could basically live here the rest of my life and never have to move.
My parents felt it would be better for me to be near them so they can easily help me. I've got to weigh it up. But I'm so exhausted making those decisions.

If the town where you are now feels like home and you have friends, work, school and activities close by, then that sounds like a good place to settle down. It would be good for your DC to stay put for a while and you can always arrange weekends with your parents and for your DC to stay with them if that's possible, once in a while.

I think you should follow your instinct on this one - live somewhere where you and your DC will be safe and happy for the foreseeable future. Surely your parents will see the importance of that.

I don't think your parents sound controlling. Offering to financially help you out by buying you a house. suggesting it is away from husband and close to them so they can support you isn't controlling, it's practical.

you say they are all talk but not much action. But you keep going back to your husband/letting him back. I think if a man raised his hand to me it would be the first and last time he would. I would go straight to parents and take up offer immediately. It's time for action now.

I remember reading somewhere that, often in DV situations, it takes several attempts before the victim finally leaves for good - they sort of 'test the water' to see how it goes before eventually sorting out any issues that have cropped up and getting out once and for all.

So I can see why this might have taken OP a while and also why her parents may not understand why she's gone back in the past. If you're looking in from the outside, it's difficult to understand.

There's lots of support for you here, Darcy. We're all rooting for you, do what you need to do.

I don't know I did something similar, felt vulnerable and moved near my parents. They didn't actually help much at all and when they did I felt guilty for asking but they are quite a bit older. I sometimes feel I would have been better off to stay on the other side of London where at least there was an established network of people (and siblings moved there). But I did make new friends and they were more help than my parents - good neighbours who could take the kids in an emergency, pick up from school, I could reciprocate so didn't feel bad about asking. So in the end I got both, and now I'm looking after Mum as time's moved on as we live fairly close by. If I was living on the other side of London I would hardly see her as it's such a trek through traffic.

You also have to consider the old friends, those you grew up with that still have family in the same area, they become closer to you over time. People move away from areas if they've come from elsewhere, it can be quite transient so if all your friends in the new area came from outside, it's quite likely that they will move on at some stage too.

But yes as was said upthread, trust your instinct, it's usually right! Do what feels right now, feel the fear and all that.

Phew I can't believe it was 6 weeks ago I called the police. Things have been moving very slowly since then, but they have been moving.

I've decided I'm going to stay in the town I'm in and not move to be near my parents, so I feel better about having come to a clear decision.

I've seen women's aid which was good, I felt a lot better after talking to them as they're not judgemental, and I'm sure they've probably met worse.

My parents are still committed to buying me a flat, and things are slowly moving, but we've not found one yet, and once we do I'll need to wait 3 months until the sale goes through. So my husband doesn't know my plan obviously.

I just hope I can convert all this action to finally leaving him.

Well done! You have done really well. Things are moving in the right direction and you will leave him. Just try to be patient and in the meantime tell yourself that you will be free of him and have a lovely future in front of you with your DC.

Myself and other MNs have left with small DC and there is nothing like closing the door on your new home knowing that he will never live there.

Whilst you are waiting allow yourself to day dream about your future. There are so many good things ahead of you.

Thanks browers, I'm getting really stressed again. I posted in the legal forum, and the advice seems to be to have a stronger chance of getting more money out of my house I shouldn't leave.

I should force him out with an injunction. I did discuss it with woman's aid, but I didn't realise not doing it would put me in a worse position.

My parents are hoping I'll be able to pay them a little bit towards the flat with the money I get from the house. Also it's my only chance of getting any money for savings, as I'm not really earning at the moment.

I'm feeling stressed as my parents are poised to pour their life savings into a flat for me and I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I'm feeling really down about things now. Nothing is happening and I can't see a way out of my situation anymore.

Women's aid never called back, although I can try and call them on Monday, I don't really know what im asking for, just a status update I suppose. I was trying to phone a legal aid solicitor all last week, and they said they'd come back to me, but never did.

My parents aren't really focussing on buying me somewhere to live. And every moment I spend with my abusive Husband is pure torture. I've stated writing down every incident, and it's exhausting. On Monday which was the first day, there were about 7 instances of horrors, and that was after h had only been in the house for 1 hour after coming in from work.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I can't really wait for my parents to buy me somewhere as that will take months. Could I just file for divorce on Monday? what would that involve?

I've since given up my job too

I literally couldn't cope with the stress he put on me and I took steps to reduce my work after half term, I'm now serving out notice. I thought I'd fel better because my head had been about to explode, but I feel much worse, I know I've done the wrong thing.

Could you speak to your boss and see if they will let you withdraw your notice ?

You are going to need that job. I am disappointed in your parents, but the if you really want to end this awful relationship you have to push for it yourself

nobody else can do this for you

please don't slip back into an awful routine with him, you know this is not healthy and you have already come so far