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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh visiting hook-up sites.

95 replies

cakewitch · 12/01/2015 16:59

Dh left his phone at home today. It rang, and I missed the call, so I opened it up and found he's been visiting those sites where you can hook up for no strings sex. Scrolling through the history, and it would appear that this isn't just a one off. Am absolutely stunned. Wondering what to do next. Obviously I'm going to tear a strip off him when he gets home, but what do I do then? He's going to try and wriggle out of it, I know. He has a history of lying about stuff, but never given me cause to think he would be unfaithful. Advice needed urgently.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 12/01/2015 20:04

FWIW, I used my phone to go on a LOT of those sites when I found out my now XH was registered on them all.
Guess what? I ain't never had a pop up

Drumdrum60 · 12/01/2015 20:35

Thought he had repeatedly visited these sites on history. And on his phone. Doesn't look good.

Original poster

cakewitch · 12/01/2015 20:42

Thanks for all your replies. He's still sticking to his story. He knows I don't believe him, and I also believe that he does not care wether I do or not. I'm not going to ever get to the bottom of this, am I.

OP posts:

mazza1974 · 12/01/2015 20:44

My dh done this a few years ago he was also addicted to porn and I searched on his username and found he had uploaded images of me and offered me to other men for 3 way sex !! Also he had requested meet ups for no strings attChed sex tho he swears blind he never met anyone this was several years ago and we been through 3 years of counselling from sexual physcotherapist via relate to overcome porn and sex addiction

CaptainAnkles · 12/01/2015 20:45

If he doesn't care whether you believe him or not, I'd say that was fairly conclusive. You already know he's looking for other people to shag, and he's not even sorry.

Only1scoop · 12/01/2015 20:46

Aren't you?

I'd get to the bottom of it if I thought my Dp had possibly been snagging causal 'hook ups' behind my back. I'd be terrified Id caught something.

JoanHickson · 12/01/2015 20:49

What are you going to do op?

mazza1974 · 12/01/2015 20:50

They have a special way of
Minimalising it so it looks like your blowing it out of all proportion stick to your guns and dig hard you need to know the truth and if you def don't trust where he his download app on your fone I have for my kids we all have iPhones so I know where they are lol

AnyFucker · 13/01/2015 06:54

So you just carry on then even though

you know he isn't trustworthy
he very possibly has been shagging around or at least looking to
he doesn't give a toss when you believe him or not

Good luck with that

Joysmum · 13/01/2015 08:32

If you believe he does not card if you believe him or not, that's grounds in itself for ending things.

If my DH accuse me of things I wasn't doing, I'd be annoyed for being doubted, but ultimately I would know it signaled a huge problem in the relationship and want to fix it because I wouldn't want him hurting or the marriage to fail.

GoatsDoRoam · 13/01/2015 08:53

He doesn't care whether you believe him or not?

Sounds like he's not too bothered about losing you, then.
Just like he wasn't too bothered about respecting you when he went on those sites in the first place.

newyear15 · 13/01/2015 09:14

So OP why stay with him then?

And the same question for Mazza - is this all you think you deserve? 3 years of counselling for 'porn addiction' - which in my mind is just a flimsy excuse.

HootyMcTooty · 13/01/2015 10:48

Sorry, but if he doesn't care that speaks volumes. If it were me I'd be trying to prove that it was just a pop up, by replicating it.

Speaking from experience, I once opened my computer to find a torrent site open, my DH had been using the site. I closed the window and underneath was one of those hook up sites in a small window. I went absolutely apeshit, my DH was adamant that he hadn't opened it or searched for it. He then replicated what he'd been viewing on the torrent site (crappy US sci-Fi TV program). When he closed it down, sure enough there was the same pop up (actually a pop under). He hadn't known it was there before, because until you close the main window, you don't see it.

So you see, these things can be pop ups, but the difference between my DH and yours is mine could understand my disgust (he was disgusted himself) and was desperate to prove his innocence.

So what are you going to do now?

Jan45 · 13/01/2015 13:00

Nothing to get to the bottom off OP, he's lying, going behind your back and getting his sexual kicks from virtual women, I don't understand what there's to think about, let him stay and expect more of the same, once the drama has died down of course.

Drumdrum60 · 13/01/2015 13:29

Hook up sites aren't virtual though are they? Who are these women ? OMG it's so vile

warysara · 13/01/2015 13:45

You are all so quick to judge once you sense a bit of blood.

How many of the sites were in the history? Were they logged in? Any other evidence?

If you visit porn and/or torrent/illegal sites they are FULL of pop-ups. My history is peppered with those things even though I have no interest.

Ponyinthepool · 13/01/2015 16:03

Pop ups don't show in your history.

Warysara, the reason people are so quick to judge is because this is a well worn path on MN and the outcome is always the same. Unfortunately OP, if experience is anything to go by, you've found the tip of the iceberg.

But cheating aside, if he has form for lying to you, the relationship is already over because clearly he doesn't respect you, and you can't continue to respect a liar, can you.

No-one's baying for blood, they've just heard it all before and know the punchline.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/01/2015 16:18

warysara
Looks from your posting history that you have been here for a good few months now.
You must know the drill by now???
It's ALWAYS the same!

newyear15 · 13/01/2015 16:18

Quick to judge because I have never heard of a man go down this road and be innocent - not once. Normally you will only uncover the tip of the iceberg - and there will be much more to be found sadly.

I agree with you Pony wholeheartedly, sadly.

Jan45 · 13/01/2015 16:24

Wary, have you read the OP, we are baying for blood - how totally unhelpful and antagonistic of you, as well as completely wrong.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2015 16:53

yes, waysara has been here for a while and the responses provided by him/her are invariably of a manpleasing nature

warysara · 13/01/2015 17:18

Just need to correct that for you delightfully named Anyf*cker:

...invariably of a manpleasing rational and not bitter nature.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2015 17:21

it's ok, you are allowed to swear on here

give it a go, but you'd better check with your husband first

Jan45 · 13/01/2015 17:31

Drumdrum60 · 13/01/2015 18:04

warysara why is your history peppered with the things? Mine isn't.

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