Do i speak up?

[hhhh52]

Ok this is a bit of a long one but would really appreciate some advice on what to do!

Me and my now ex partner were together for 2 years until xmas this year. The relationship for the first 18 months was fantastic, we were best friends and he also lived with me. When we first met he told me about his ex who he had just broken up with and had said that he didnt want her to be hurt by him going straight into a new relationship so we kept things quite quiet initially. Also she has a child (not biologically his) who he had help raise since a baby (now 5 years old) so he did still need to keep a little contact with her as didnt want to be out of the child's life. Also she was still living in his flat as she had nowhere else to go. Although this was not ideal for me, I went with it as here was a child involved. He spent every single day and night with me apart from the odd one where he said he was at his trainers house (he is a boxer)

Fast forward 18 months into the relationship and the contact (maybe once twice a week) to the ex was really driving me mad. I could see no reason why he would still stay in contact with her as i felt he was kind of stringing her along and not allowing her to move on. He always insisted that he didnt want her finding out that he was living with me as he didnt want to hurt her. He also was adimant that she knows they are not together (yes i know now i say it i can see what was going on but love is blind!!)

Eventually it got too much and i told him it was either me or her - he said he would stop the contact with her but it just didnt happen.

90% of the time we had a lovely life together - holidays away, i met all his family etc but she was still in the background and living in his house.

So come the time of breakup i began to unravel his web of lies. I discovered the house was not his it was hers, he had lied a lot about his career meaning he had lied when he had stayed "at his trainers"

We had a huge bust up just before xmas and he moved out for a few days - he would cry on my doorstep telling me he was homeless and had nowhere to go and on 23rd december we had a long sit down and decided to give it another go and have a nice xmas.

Here's where it goes horribly wrong......
On xmas eve he had told me he was doing some last minute xmas shopping and then going for a couple of drinks with friends. When he wasnt home by 10pm (his phone was off) i just went to bed assuming i would wake up when he got in.
At 1am I had a phonecall from my brother to say my dad had passed away. Obviously a huge shock so the first person i called was the bf but his phone was switched off. I paced the house until 8am calling him and leaving hysterical voicemails (I was in such a distressed state after hearing about my father) His phone just went to voicemail. At 815 I had a text from him to say back soon - got drunk with friends last night (he obviously hadnt listened to my voicemails) I called him straight back but his phone was off again. At 11am he called and asked me what was wrong - i told him about my dad and he said he would be back within half an hour.

The next time i heard from him was at 430 when he text to say he had messed up and gone up north xmas eve and couldnt get back.

Xmas day was the hardest day for me - my dad had just died and i was all alone (family live abroad)

I next heard from him at 4pm boxing day when he said he was back. By this point i had realised he wasnt up north he had been with her and obviously couldnt find any excuse to come back to me so just switched his phone off. By this point i had bagged all his stuff up and although he was just wanting to be normal with me i was borderline crazy to him down the phone and told him where to go.

The next few days he begged me to speak to him and then come 30th december he just switched his phone off. That is the last i have heard from him. He didnt even contact me the day of my dads funeral :(

I know 100% he is back living with her as called her home phone and he answered.

I have all his stuff here - not just clothes - he LIVED here - its his whole life in my house and he hasnt contacted me to pick it up or anything. He still has my door key (although i double lock the door now)

He has changed his mobile number and hers has changed too. (no doubt he got her to do this so i couldnt expose him)

So my question is - do i call her and tell her that for the past 2 years he has been with me? I am pretty sure she is completely unaware and he has been stringing us both along. And also no doubt sleeping with both of us and god knows who else!!! It seems so unfair that he can do this to me especially when i have lost my dad but also that he can do it to her (no doubt he strung her along with stories for 2 years as to what he was doing)

Im very hurt by this and feel that the only one who has got away with this is him as she doesnt know what a cheating scumbag he is either.......

Any advice gratefully received x

How horrible for you and I am sorry for your loss. Can you even be sure the child isn't his?

I bet you got together straight after she had thrown him and he had nowhere to live and now she has taken him back.

You have a couple of choices:

1. Dump his stuff on their doorstep
2. Phone and if he answers give him seven days to pick up stuff from your doorstep
3. Speak to her, tell he needs to collect his stuff and what's been going on
4. Dump his stuff in the bin.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father, OP.

What an utter coward your ex-bf is.

Frankly, I think you have bigger fish to fry at the moment than his relationship with this other woman. Please take care of yourself, only, and do what is best for YOU.

If that means putting all his stuff in a skip, do that.

If that means doing nothing that could be an emotional burden that you don't need right now, then do nothing.

The other woman may just brand you crazy and not listen to you, so you may not get the satisfaction of "revenge" if you speak to her anyway.

So please only do things that are good and healthy actions for you.

I hope you have good friends you can turn to at this time, and that you can go to your family or at least speak with them in order to process your father's death.

Thankyou MinceSpy!

The child is definitely not his as it is mixed race so thats one thing i know is the truth!

The problem is all the stuff i have would literally take numerous car journeys to do that and i dont feel why it should be my problem!

He has also left me completely in the cr*p as we had this house together and although he didnt financially contribute as much as he should he did a bit. He owed me money that i needed to pay for my dads funeral with and didnt come good with it so just shows what a waste of space he is.

Even his family have said he deserves to be found out but i am just scared of repercussions but at the same time i just feel that he cant get away with the appalling way he has treated me and her x

His family knows and have spoken to neither him nor to the other woman? The apple didn't fall far from the tree in terms of cowardice, did it....

Look, if you need to speak to her and reveal all, if that is what is lying heavy on your heart right now and needs unburdening, then do it. Go ahead. Just be aware that she has a vested interest in believing him, and might choose to do that anyway, whatever you say to her.

His stuff is definitely not your problem, so don't go making car trips to deliver it to him. In the skip. Or sell it on eBay and keep the money as part of what he owes you.

Thankyou GoatsDoRoam,

Yes it is playing heavy on my mind to speak with her as i do feel she should know what he has been doing the past 2 years (he made out to her he was working away/ single/living with friends i am now lead to believe) I understand she may think im crazy and he is such a convincing liar i am sure he will try and worm his way out of anything.

None of his family have spoken to him, i am quite close with his sister in law and that side of the family are furious at him by the way he has treated me but also he did not bother getting in contact all over xmas/new year.

If you are in touch with his family, then send a message through them saying he has 7 days to pick up his stuff. Then if he doesn't show, bin/skip the crap and eBay the rest to make up the money he owes you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

What a horrible person he is. Small claims court re the money and yes I'd be telling the girlfriend.

So so sorry to hear about your dad Op.... Just awful. You need to be kind to yourself you have been through it lately....

I would bag up his stuff with a view to skipping it as you want it out of the way....write a short factual letter to her....within the letter a short note to him 'your stuff will be left outside in this date or dumped etc'

Then nothing more to do but cleanse your life of this piece of rubbish.

If his family say "he deserves to be found out" then you look them dead in the eye and say "yes. He really does. I hope you remember that when he inevitably starts bringing this other poor girl out to see you, rather than letting her live a lie as I did".

It's his family. They probably knew exactly what was going on the whole time.

Cut your losses. If he owes you money, and you can prove it, then press charges.

Don't land yourself with an anti harassment warning though.

I'm not entirely sure why you think he was still pretending to be totally involved with both of you though. Maybe he has been with you, but keeping the other girl warm as well so he could pick and choose. Or maybe they were genuinely broken up, but he was doing whatever shitty behaviour in the sidelines.

Bottom line is that this is not a man worth fretting over. You sound livid, beyond livid, but I wonder if part of that is subconsciously re directing your grief.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I hope that you have other family that you can lean on at a time like this. Completely aside from all this, you might benefit from looking into bereavement counselling.

Yes i am beyond livid! Dealing with this alongside grieving for my dad is not easy and to add to it my mum got diagnosed with liver cancer mid december (i live in the Uk she lives in the USA) so i do not have much family around me apart from my brother who lives miles away.

I have tried to get in contact with him through friends/family but nobody has heard from him as he is obviously laying low. I do have her home phone number and know where they are living as a last resort. I would prefer to just speak to him and not let the cat out the bag so to speak but he is not giving me much choice right now

Why do you need to speak to him?

Vivacia - I need to speak to him because he has all of his belongings here (not just clothes - all his training equipment in the garage like weights benches etc) He also has quite a few bits of mine that i asked for back (£500 of tools that i had bought to refurbish my shop) he has an iphone handset that is in my name (i cut off his number a couple of days ago as he had just switched it off for nearly 2 weeks) and also he owes me some money.
It is literally like he has left his whole life here and given no explanation for it.

I am trying to grieve the loss of my father yet i have 2 whole rooms filled with all my ex's stuff and it should not be my problem to have to remove it as it will literally take up so much of my time. How can someone just not have any care for all their belongings?!

"Prefer to speak to him and not let the cat out of the bag"

Not sure where you are going with this Op....you want to protect him?

Sorry if I've misunderstood

If it were me, I'd write it all off and put it down to experience (I'm sorry, but I think it's been pretty obvious you've been the other woman).

I guess you won't do this, so I suggest you get legal advice and have all contact with him through a third party.

Personally, I wouldn't want the drama.

Yes as soon as i wrote that i realised what it might sound like Only1Scoop and perhaps i worded it wrong.

The last thing i want is fireworks for her and speaking to him may give him the opportunity to come clean with us both first. I do not want to protect him just to give him the opportunity to let us both know what has been going on. BUt to be honest he has told so many lies that i have since discovered that i doubt he would ever speak the truth.
I would ideally like him to be reasonable and get his stuff and offer me some sort of explanation as to what has been going on before i speak to her.

Vivacia - I cant see how i could be the "other woman" when he has lived with me 365 days of the year and not been with her, only been in contact. We have a rented house together, he is listed on the electoral roll here etc so if i was the other woman as you say i dont think he would of been living here for the past year. Being the other woman is not something i would be involved in although it seems i have ended up in his sick little love triangle

I know what you are saying, but on the other hand, she's been living in his house, they spent Christmas together and he must have belongings somewhere if he's not missed the stuff at your house.

God how awful. So sorry you are going through this OP. I can relate somewhat - my mum died very unexpectedly a few months ago. A week after the funeral i discovered my Ex Fiance had been having an affair, he then left me (i tried to make it work) and is now shacked up with her. He has totally disappeared, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my grief and broken heart without even a second glance.

I don't like to label, but have you Googled narcissists / people with narcissistic tendencies. It was like a light bulb moment when i did. They tend to follow a distinct pattern of lies, deception, triangulation (lining up another partner and then jumping directly from 1 relationship to another), then just disappearing. This is exactly how my exF has behaved and yours does sound pretty similar. Its a pattern they repeat throughout their lives. My ex has previous form for this, his other relationships have ended in a similar way. Maybe yours has too?

I know it hurts so much and that is so annoying about the money and stuff. My advice would just be to protect yourself. Chuck his stuff, maybe forget about the money if you can afford to, go totally no contact and dont ever speak to him again. People like that are toxic.

Sending hugs x

Sorry Vivacia - in my original post i did say that one of the lies i found out were that him telling me it was his house was not true - i have since found out its her house x

thankyou elsabelle, yes i have looked into narcissistic tendencies and a lot of it rings true to what he is like unfortunately :(

Trying to move on but dealing with my dads death at the same time and knowing that my ex is now happy as larry in someone elses bed whilst i was finding out my dad has passed away has really made me hit rock bottom. And his new partner does not even have a clue what he has been up to the past 2 years - it sickens me x

I really don't think you have any obligation to store his stuff. write to him and say if you do not claim your belongings within 7 days I will consider them abandoned and dispose of them how I see fit.

And sell what you can sell, try to make your money back - assuming the training gear is worth anything. Otherwise for your own emotional health, it would be worth mentally writing it off and moving on.

Perhaps he has left his stuff because he feels that it is worth losing it because he's gained £500 worth of tools, the money you lent and your stuff. Do you think he's still got your tools? My bet is he's flogged them.

You don't owe him anything. Not storage, not anything. If you get rid of his stuff it will help you to move on.

I totally understand. I felt like my grief got just put on hold for the first couple on months while i tried to process the total shock of the end of the relationship. Only now am I able to deal a bit better with things.

I think realising that my ex is not quite right in the head has helped - its made me see that a future with him wouldnt have been the best thing for and i am better off forging my own, new path.

Did you feel like he was your soulmate in the beginning? Was it all perfect and blissful? Thats another sign!! I thought i had found the one!

The lack of empathy is shocking isnt it? You'd think if hed lived with you for 2 years he would be there to support you through the death of your dad. So sorry. Hope you have good RL friends and family to help you?

I tried to warn the OW too but pretty sure he has just told her (and other mutual friends) that i am crazy and obsessed with him. Sigh. You might be better off to just leave well alone. She'll work it out eventually.

The lack of empathy is the thing which probably hurts the most yes. I dont understand how somebody can not be there when they lose their father (and to add to it it was xmas day he passed away)

I dont think he is right in the head as i couldnt imagine my worst enemy treating me like this let alone my partner of 2 years.

I feel like the one who has lost in all this and he has come out on top - even his family are in disbelief as to what he has done to me as I was very close with them.

I can imagine he would tell her i am obsesseed etc which couldnt be further from the truth - i just want her to know what a liar he has been to both of us this past 2 years so that he has to deal with the consequences of his behaviour and she can then make her own decisions x

I would ideally like him to be reasonable

I think 'reasonable' left this situation a long time ago, hhhh52. The guy is pathological. I wonder where his old/new gf thinks his stuff is? There is no chance whatsoever that he will come clean if given the opportunity. Don't kid yourself on that.

Charming of his family not to want to intervene. I don't believe they haven't heard from him, I think they've just been told to tell you that. I would assume he has changed the home number as well, btw. If you want to speak to her, you might be better off finding out where she works.

I appreciate you can't take all his stuff but can you take one car load and just dump it outside the house? Do you have friends who could help you get rid of the rest? I would eBay it to recoup your losses, or just Freecycle it - people will pick up whole loads of random stuff if you advertise it as a job lot.

Very sorry to read about your dad.

Is it that it's the injustice of it that you can't get past? How he can shit all over you and get away unscathed?

If so, I do understand that feeling but the only person getting hurt here is you and - don't you think you've suffered enough hurt because of him?

Letting it go isn't about him, it's about you.

He's swanned off without a backward glance and probably doesn't give a shit.

You, otoh, are still stuck. Still angry. Still suffering.

Wanting him to come unstuck, to have to face consequences for what he's done is normal. But unless you are willing to hire a truck, take all his stuff over there and dump it on his front yard and have a massive scene - what can you do?

You can't make someone care who doesn't.

And while you're wanting and waiting for that - you are coming off worst because you can't walk away (mentally).

What you need to do is to get to a point where you see him as a sad little tosser, flog his stuff and put him in the past.