Do i speak up?

[hhhh52]

Ok this is a bit of a long one but would really appreciate some advice on what to do!

Me and my now ex partner were together for 2 years until xmas this year. The relationship for the first 18 months was fantastic, we were best friends and he also lived with me. When we first met he told me about his ex who he had just broken up with and had said that he didnt want her to be hurt by him going straight into a new relationship so we kept things quite quiet initially. Also she has a child (not biologically his) who he had help raise since a baby (now 5 years old) so he did still need to keep a little contact with her as didnt want to be out of the child's life. Also she was still living in his flat as she had nowhere else to go. Although this was not ideal for me, I went with it as here was a child involved. He spent every single day and night with me apart from the odd one where he said he was at his trainers house (he is a boxer)

Fast forward 18 months into the relationship and the contact (maybe once twice a week) to the ex was really driving me mad. I could see no reason why he would still stay in contact with her as i felt he was kind of stringing her along and not allowing her to move on. He always insisted that he didnt want her finding out that he was living with me as he didnt want to hurt her. He also was adimant that she knows they are not together (yes i know now i say it i can see what was going on but love is blind!!)

Eventually it got too much and i told him it was either me or her - he said he would stop the contact with her but it just didnt happen.

90% of the time we had a lovely life together - holidays away, i met all his family etc but she was still in the background and living in his house.

So come the time of breakup i began to unravel his web of lies. I discovered the house was not his it was hers, he had lied a lot about his career meaning he had lied when he had stayed "at his trainers"

We had a huge bust up just before xmas and he moved out for a few days - he would cry on my doorstep telling me he was homeless and had nowhere to go and on 23rd december we had a long sit down and decided to give it another go and have a nice xmas.

Here's where it goes horribly wrong......
On xmas eve he had told me he was doing some last minute xmas shopping and then going for a couple of drinks with friends. When he wasnt home by 10pm (his phone was off) i just went to bed assuming i would wake up when he got in.
At 1am I had a phonecall from my brother to say my dad had passed away. Obviously a huge shock so the first person i called was the bf but his phone was switched off. I paced the house until 8am calling him and leaving hysterical voicemails (I was in such a distressed state after hearing about my father) His phone just went to voicemail. At 815 I had a text from him to say back soon - got drunk with friends last night (he obviously hadnt listened to my voicemails) I called him straight back but his phone was off again. At 11am he called and asked me what was wrong - i told him about my dad and he said he would be back within half an hour.

The next time i heard from him was at 430 when he text to say he had messed up and gone up north xmas eve and couldnt get back.

Xmas day was the hardest day for me - my dad had just died and i was all alone (family live abroad)

I next heard from him at 4pm boxing day when he said he was back. By this point i had realised he wasnt up north he had been with her and obviously couldnt find any excuse to come back to me so just switched his phone off. By this point i had bagged all his stuff up and although he was just wanting to be normal with me i was borderline crazy to him down the phone and told him where to go.

The next few days he begged me to speak to him and then come 30th december he just switched his phone off. That is the last i have heard from him. He didnt even contact me the day of my dads funeral :(

I know 100% he is back living with her as called her home phone and he answered.

I have all his stuff here - not just clothes - he LIVED here - its his whole life in my house and he hasnt contacted me to pick it up or anything. He still has my door key (although i double lock the door now)

He has changed his mobile number and hers has changed too. (no doubt he got her to do this so i couldnt expose him)

So my question is - do i call her and tell her that for the past 2 years he has been with me? I am pretty sure she is completely unaware and he has been stringing us both along. And also no doubt sleeping with both of us and god knows who else!!! It seems so unfair that he can do this to me especially when i have lost my dad but also that he can do it to her (no doubt he strung her along with stories for 2 years as to what he was doing)

Im very hurt by this and feel that the only one who has got away with this is him as she doesnt know what a cheating scumbag he is either.......

Any advice gratefully received x

Personally I would call the landline .... If she answers say 'Hi its xxx can you let exdp know I am still waiting for my items to be returned'... No need for a big discussion. It's up to her then what she says to him.
Take action to move forward xx

I've tried the landline numerous times and no answer - i think he has probably pulled it out the wall in fear!!!

When he said to his sister in law that he was worried about being made homeless he made no mention that he was worried about her being hurt - all he cares about is keeping a roof over his head!

Whether or not he wants his stuff is irrelevant. You don't want it and it's his job to dispose of it.

He's also failed to return your stuff as promised. In what world does that equate to you respecting his request that you not phone the landline?

This guy sounds awful. Racist. Made threats of abuse against you and a future child. Mean to the cat (surprised the cat didn't vote with its feet as you clearly should have done long ago). And now clearly shown to be a liar, manipulator and pathologically unwilling to face up to his responsibilities.

He's desperate to avoid you getting through to her on the landline. I would start taking his stuff round - the more obviously his the better.

Had very similar situation. Down to leaving stuff & owing money. I told the other woman, she had no idea. He was a bastard of the highest order and still up to the same shite with dif girls 8 yrs later. Cut your losses, Ul never get what's owed to you back. Sell whatever you can to recoup your losses, and tell the woman.

What a nightmare. TBH I think I would visit her at work and just hand over a brief letter explaining what has gone on. It is then up to her what she does about her relationship.

Doesn't sound like you'll get your stuff back so time to start selling his.

Very sorry to read about your Mum & Dad

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad and all this other horrendous stuff happening.

I can't see how this women wouldn't believe you, in fact I bet she knows already. She loves him, they have a history. She is probably kidding herself that you meant nothing, it was a blip.

However if she knew nothing then I think she deserves to know. If you lived together you must have some mail or some bills in his name, and you have a house full of his things.

I would pay a visit when he was out. Take holiday snaps, pictures of all his stuff in your house, bills with his name on, phone with any saved texts and show her.

So what if she makes him homeless, but I bet she doesn't. Either way you will have done the right thing because you can't be sure what she knows. Act as though she is being duped, just in case she is.

Ebay is clutter? plan a garage sale and leave the flyer with her so he knows his stuff is being sold!! he might shift his arse into gear before and pick it up. He is leaving it with you because it gives him a foothold with you, an excuse to contact you should things get rocky where he is.

I'm still vehemently against the op having anything to do with this woman. She needs to move on, go NC, start healing and grieve in peace for her father. Not further embroil herself in his sadsack life there is nothing for op to gain by going down that route. But plants to loose

To be honest would you be safe if you caused trouble for this man. He sounds unpredictable. Best keep the moral high ground and let her deal with it. He'll no doubt do it again anyway. Just try and get your stuff back and move on to someone who deserves you.

I personally would have great difficulty remaining dignified & saying nothing, & altho other people are probably giving the right advise, it would rest like bile in my guts & I would not get over it, as there was no justice.
She is living a lie, where does she think he's been living for 2 years? I would find a way of at least planting a seed of doubt & let her work it out if she wants to, & to be truthful you would be doing her a favour.

That's not justice. It's revenge.

You could try a free short consultation with a lawyer who could write a letter to him demanding your stuff/money and that he remove his (you'd probably have to pay for the letter). That could get him focussed!

I don't know about deliberately telling OW, but I don't think I'd be going out of my way to protect her from knowing his infidelity and lies.

I think my attitude would be more [shrug] if she finds out then she finds out, and if she wants to talk to me about it I'll talk to her. So I think I would continue to try the home phone, as it's up to him to cover his own arse and lie, it's not my problem. If he didn't want me to phone then he should have done what he said he would.