Do i speak up?

[hhhh52]

Ok this is a bit of a long one but would really appreciate some advice on what to do!

Me and my now ex partner were together for 2 years until xmas this year. The relationship for the first 18 months was fantastic, we were best friends and he also lived with me. When we first met he told me about his ex who he had just broken up with and had said that he didnt want her to be hurt by him going straight into a new relationship so we kept things quite quiet initially. Also she has a child (not biologically his) who he had help raise since a baby (now 5 years old) so he did still need to keep a little contact with her as didnt want to be out of the child's life. Also she was still living in his flat as she had nowhere else to go. Although this was not ideal for me, I went with it as here was a child involved. He spent every single day and night with me apart from the odd one where he said he was at his trainers house (he is a boxer)

Fast forward 18 months into the relationship and the contact (maybe once twice a week) to the ex was really driving me mad. I could see no reason why he would still stay in contact with her as i felt he was kind of stringing her along and not allowing her to move on. He always insisted that he didnt want her finding out that he was living with me as he didnt want to hurt her. He also was adimant that she knows they are not together (yes i know now i say it i can see what was going on but love is blind!!)

Eventually it got too much and i told him it was either me or her - he said he would stop the contact with her but it just didnt happen.

90% of the time we had a lovely life together - holidays away, i met all his family etc but she was still in the background and living in his house.

So come the time of breakup i began to unravel his web of lies. I discovered the house was not his it was hers, he had lied a lot about his career meaning he had lied when he had stayed "at his trainers"

We had a huge bust up just before xmas and he moved out for a few days - he would cry on my doorstep telling me he was homeless and had nowhere to go and on 23rd december we had a long sit down and decided to give it another go and have a nice xmas.

Here's where it goes horribly wrong......
On xmas eve he had told me he was doing some last minute xmas shopping and then going for a couple of drinks with friends. When he wasnt home by 10pm (his phone was off) i just went to bed assuming i would wake up when he got in.
At 1am I had a phonecall from my brother to say my dad had passed away. Obviously a huge shock so the first person i called was the bf but his phone was switched off. I paced the house until 8am calling him and leaving hysterical voicemails (I was in such a distressed state after hearing about my father) His phone just went to voicemail. At 815 I had a text from him to say back soon - got drunk with friends last night (he obviously hadnt listened to my voicemails) I called him straight back but his phone was off again. At 11am he called and asked me what was wrong - i told him about my dad and he said he would be back within half an hour.

The next time i heard from him was at 430 when he text to say he had messed up and gone up north xmas eve and couldnt get back.

Xmas day was the hardest day for me - my dad had just died and i was all alone (family live abroad)

I next heard from him at 4pm boxing day when he said he was back. By this point i had realised he wasnt up north he had been with her and obviously couldnt find any excuse to come back to me so just switched his phone off. By this point i had bagged all his stuff up and although he was just wanting to be normal with me i was borderline crazy to him down the phone and told him where to go.

The next few days he begged me to speak to him and then come 30th december he just switched his phone off. That is the last i have heard from him. He didnt even contact me the day of my dads funeral :(

I know 100% he is back living with her as called her home phone and he answered.

I have all his stuff here - not just clothes - he LIVED here - its his whole life in my house and he hasnt contacted me to pick it up or anything. He still has my door key (although i double lock the door now)

He has changed his mobile number and hers has changed too. (no doubt he got her to do this so i couldnt expose him)

So my question is - do i call her and tell her that for the past 2 years he has been with me? I am pretty sure she is completely unaware and he has been stringing us both along. And also no doubt sleeping with both of us and god knows who else!!! It seems so unfair that he can do this to me especially when i have lost my dad but also that he can do it to her (no doubt he strung her along with stories for 2 years as to what he was doing)

Im very hurt by this and feel that the only one who has got away with this is him as she doesnt know what a cheating scumbag he is either.......

Any advice gratefully received x

Hi tribpot,

Thanks for your reply, i know that people have been trying to contact him to get him to contact me as his phone was in my name and i had the sim switched back to me so got all the texts from friends and family telling him to get in contact and asking where he is. There are still close friends of his to this day texting him to ask where he is - he has literally vanished.

I know where she works but she is a nursery nurse and i would not want to make a scene where there are children - so that is a complete no go.

im at a bit of a loss - i do have the home phone number and yesterday called it but chickened out when she answered - also i would like to speak to her when he is not there otherwise i can imagine he is the type of person who would rip the phone out the wall if he got wind it was me calling.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway your reply made me laugh! (First smile in a few days thankyou :) I do see him as a loser and a sad little tosser but yes i also want him to get what he deserves - how can he have his cake and eat it - all i see me and her as is 2 innocent women who have been sucked in by his bullsht and yes he doesnt give a sht cos he thinks hes got away with it!

God thats exactly how i feel too. I am literally drowning in shock ad grief, living alone, trying to sort everything out and he is all happy happy, living with her, organisinig nights out and generally acting like hes king of the world. He seems to won back the support of most of our mutual friends too who cant bear to give him up because he is "just misunderstood" and basically the life and the soul of the party. The unfairness of it all just kills me. And we are not the ones who did anything wrong!!

So sorry about your dad.

I know its agonisingly painful and unfair, but try to concentrate on you. Do what's best for you and just cut him out of your life. It will get easier in time, little by little xx

Thanks elsabelle, hugs to you too xx

I would call him and tell him you will be dropping his stuff round in the next week. Just take one bag maybe. Don't say when and he'll be panicking for a good few days. I just couldn't bear to see it lying around anyway. She must know about you...and maybe just has horribly low self esteem.

I just can't express my sympathy enough...you sound like a calm, together woman, but to have so many horrendous things happen over Christmas is just too much. I can't believe he could just leave at such a sensitive time...just unbelievable. His karma will catch up with him one day. The only thing I would add is (and I don't think you will) never fall for his tears...it's so easy (I know this) - start your new fresh life without him. There are good people out there so don't let this make you bitter.

Good luck and be strong.

Dear hhhh52
Firstly, so sorry for the loss of your father.

Hard I know , re your ex ,try and take some of the emotion out of your situation and take control the best way you can.

Owes you money -send recorded letter to him asking for x amount , to collect his belongings by x date all belongings will be sold in the event of non collection and the amount offset against his debt to you. Keep and record all transactions.

His family- as nice as they may be , probably would rather not get involved , more than likely see him for who he his.

Re his new partner. Write a letter outlining just the facts, nothing more and hand it to her when she is outside work. Armed with just facts she is free to make her own decision and you have done your part to forwarn her to the possibility of EA/FA. Often , these women remain in the relationship , and he wil repeat his pattern of behaviour. It's a game to him and he is a player.

It's hard when you love and care for someone, but so much easier to move on when you are in control and see him for who he really is.

Forgiveness is the best form of self interest. Remember that.

You could well call the landline but it wouldn't surprise me if he has persuaded her to change it.

If you ring it soon just tell her you are his ex girlfriend and you have his belongings and could she help organise collection of them as xx doesn't seem to be responding to your requests.

From there I'm sure the conversation will flow.

I too would like to say how sorry I am to read all of this. His behaviour is unbelievable.

The only advice I'd have is perhaps not to sell his stuff on eBay because I wonder if there might be a legal ramifications for you. Same if you damage it. X

Thankyou everyone for your comments and advice x

I too would like to say how sorry I am to read all of this. His behaviour is unbelievable

And I would also like to second myown2feetaregreat

You must feel every kind of fool too but though I have a great built-in bullshit detector, myself, there is an extremely small minority of people who manage to get under the radar and he sounds like he is part of that minority.

I think I read somewhere that there are people who manage to mirror the person they are with, which is how they seem like "best friends", etc.

I'm so sorry about your father and this bastard.

Oh OP I'm so sorry for your loss

As for your exBF well the levels of arseholery he's displayed are really really just breathtaking!! He is utter scum

Lots of people have gven you advice about what to do withh his stuff. I prefer myown2feetaregreat's - it seems the calmest and most business-like to me.

AS fr telling her. What's the point?

• she won't believe you
• it won't change a damn thing for you
• it gives him ammo to portray you as a loon
• it won't bring him back (as if you'd want him!!)
• you lose your dignity and/or moral high ground
• in the long run it will make you feel worse, not better

Trust me. I speak as one who knows

Just be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. I feel so so sorry for you you poor thing, I really do

I'd ring her & ask her to get him a collect all of his possessions, tell her if she has any questions, & she should have, she has your number....Bastard, you are well off without, but so very sorry for your loss, that's what really counts

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and that you have been treated so horribly by this person.

It's possible that she knows nothing about you given that he seems to be a pathological liar. Personally, I would dump all his stuff on their doorstep when I knew she was in. Ring the bell and when she opens the door just say 'I'm x, been living with twunt the past 2 years. Here is his stuff that he left in our house' and leave it at that. She can deal with it from there. Then I would let it go and move on with my life.

Put the whole thing on her Facebook page

What myowntwofeet said. You've been treated horribly, OP. Definitely write to his girlfriend - a calm, factual letter, setting out exactly what he's done. Mention that you have loads of his junk and you'd appreciate her telling him that if he doesn't arrange for it to be collected within so many days, it'll be disposed of. Ebay or Freecycle, perhaps.

I am so sorry that you've lost your Dad. Your ex is a horrible man. But don't worry, 'karma' will definitely come along and bite him on the bum sooner or later. It's happened to two shits who treated me very badly!

God No, don't put it on Facebook! How very Jeremy Kyle!

I'm so sorry for your loss, hhhh

It's very early days for you to 'move on', from the loss of your partner, which is inevitably mixed up with the, much greater, loss of your father. So don't expect too much of yourself right now.

Put a note through their door saying that you will sell all his stuff to recoup the money he owes you and will pursue through the small claims Court for the value of the tools, unless he a) returns the tools, b) repays the money, .) collects his stuff; give him a time limit, say a week, so tell him it has to be done by 8am Monday 19th January.

Any telling of his wife is just to get him into trouble right? But he will worm his way out and she will be left with the fallout. Don't lower yourself to his level op. Just put his stuff in the forest

Sorry. Not in the forest. On the doorstep. Let him know it will be there for 24 hours and will be disposed of if not collected

Don't involve his gf. Trust me you will regret it

HI everyone, Thankyou for your responses.
I am still very undecided on what to do. Firstly my head is still all over the place with dealing with my dad passing away on xmas day so i am being careful not to make any crazy decisions out of anger/diverted grief etc.
I still have not heard a peep from my ex, the only thing i did have was a missed call from her home phone number at 8am this morning on his old mobile number (i called the home phone on saturday but no answer) I called it back but it was engaged and then when i called again it was not answered - so a bit of a mystery as to whether it was her or him calling.

I had planned to say to whoever answered the phone that he needs to pick his stuff up or it will be disposed of but if i cant speak to them im a bit stuck as to what to do.

I guess things may unravel over the next few days and i may have a clearer head too. Dealing with my father passing away on xmas day, my mum being diagnosed with liver cancer mid december and also this very horrible breakup is a lot to deal with - im surprised im not rocking back and forth in the corner of a room somewhere!

UPDATE*

So this morning his sister in law calls me (who i am very good friends with) and apparently he has left a voicemail on her phone at 730 this morning saying that he doesnt want his stuff and will get my stuff to me this afternoon but for me please not to call the home phone as in his words "if she finds out i will be homeless"

So this says to me 100% that -

A) He was still seeing her behind my back
B) She definitely knows nothing about where he has been for the past 2 years and has just weasled his way back into her life.

To be honest I am now furious about this as it has confirmed what i hoped would not be true. He basically kept us both going at once (although living with me)

So what now? He has said he does not want to talk to me at all (like i have done something wrong?!!!!) Ive passed the message on that if my stuff wasnt returned by this afternoon then i would be calling her. He still insisted he didnt want to talk to me apparently and my belongings (phone, door key, tools and money) have not shown up!! He is seriously unbelievable

Apparently he hasnt gone to work the past 2 days because he is so scared i will turn up on the doorstep!

Can I ask how old he is?

If you do tell her everything, and she believes it (which is likely in this instance as you have ALL his stuff etc) it will mean that she will also end up feeling like you do now.

His lifestyle may get f*cked up for a while, but he clearly isnt the sort who will have the same emotional 'care' about this that you do - but its likely she'll be pretty devastated (and it doesnt sound like you think she has any blame in this situation as he's a lying scumbag so she is likely totally unaware)

Id also want to find a way that meant HE suffered for what he's done...but id be wary that he wouldnt suffer half as much as you have, or the other woman will.......On the flipside....her not knowing now is probably only prolonging the time until she has the same horrible experience in future so maybe get the pain out the way

Not sure that's remotely helpful but maybe just something to consider.

H Snakesandknives,

He is 30 and i am 32.

Obviously I am fuming at him for the way he has behaved. He really isnt a very nice person once his true colours showed through- for the final 3/4 months of our relationship he was a very heavy drinker and very verbally abusive with this. Maybe she knows what he is really like maybe she doesnt. He said awful things about how if i had a child with him he would hurt me and the child. (the girl he is now with has a 5 year old) He was also pretty mean to our cat which we bought together (silly as it sounds but i have heard that if a person is horrible to an animal then it is likely that in time they will be like that to a person)

So yes as much as this is going to probably upset her IF i do speak to her - in the long term I'm sure her and her child will be a lot better off without him in their lives. The child is not his and is mixed race and my ex also used to say certain racial comments about people which i thought was disgusting.

I think you should tell her, not out of spite but because who the hell would rather stay ignorant to being made such a bloody fool of behind their back?
Not a single person I know would not want to know.

i honestly thought you were going to say early 20s.....at 30 i would think is is just ridiculous; and definitely not explicable by any means at all (not suggesting its acceptable in younger people, but then most of us have got ourselves into poor situations at some point)

He said awful things about how if i had a child with him he would hurt me and the child. (the girl he is now with has a 5 year old) He was also pretty mean to our cat which we bought together (silly as it sounds but i have heard that if a person is horrible to an animal then it is likely that in time they will be like that to a person)
doesn't sound remotely silly. i wont have anyone in my life who treats animals badly as it ALWAYS seems to relate to how they treat people.

I now think you should tell her for the exact same reasons as Felicity. He certainly deserves ZERO consideration.