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Original poster

Could I possibly keep it?

99 replies

1stTimeForEverything · 09/01/2015 09:22

Married for 15 years, 2 children. Pregnant with another man's baby. No future plans with him for the time being.
Anybody been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 09/01/2015 09:53

Firstly, no women don't do that, except maybe on Jeremy Kyle.

Secondly, he may be a married father of 2, but he's not a faithful one is he? So yes, he could have an STD.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2015 09:53

Why would he have any STDs - because he sleeps around with ther people's wives?

How can you say things are "good" with your DH?

Withdrawal method...really?

I don't know where to start with this one to be hones

trulybadlydeeply · 09/01/2015 09:53

If the OM has so little respect for his wife that he has slept with you, then it is quite possible he has done this with one or more other women... of course there is a risk of STDs. Likewise, how do you know the OM's DW hasn't slept with someone else?

Mountainygirl · 09/01/2015 09:53

The OM is a married father of two, why would he have any STD?

because he is shagging round? Who knows if you're the only one?

I don't think you need to make any decisions about the pregnancy just yet, as it is very early days, but you do need to tell your DH, and of course you can't pass the child off as his, that would be a dreadful thing to do. And it will come out eventually, these sort of things always do

Cabrinha · 09/01/2015 09:54

Do you realise how laughable you sound? Why would he have an STD because he's a married father if two?

Well, he's sexually active, you know? With people who cheat on their partners, so not too discerning either.

You are 15!

Original poster
1stTimeForEverything · 09/01/2015 09:55

Basically you all are saying exactly what I am thinking.

Before posting, I had actually decided to terminate and been to the clinic but they couldn't detect the PG in the scan at such an early time. So it is booked for next week.

I was sure of my decision but because of this delay I now get these other thoughts.

Is there any point telling the OM?

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 09/01/2015 09:55

A difficult dilemma. Yes, I think quite a lot of Dads are unknowingly raising another man's child. There was a study about a decade ago that came up with a figure of 1 in 25. So you wouldn't be the first, if this is the way you decide to go. the ethics of that are your decision. There's also the fact that withdrawal is notoriously unreliable and just because you've been lucky in the past, doesn't mean it hasn't failed you now and it is your husband's child after all.

However, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't have the child. If you are having an affair then your marriage is not a happy or stable one, and I think it would be wrong to bring another child into that situation. Chances are your marriage will break up any way, baby or no baby.

kaykayred · 09/01/2015 09:56

Your only acceptable choices are:

  • Keep the baby, tell your husband it's not his, and accept the fallout. The fallout is your fault, your responsibility, and yours to deal with. End of.
  • Don't keep the baby. If you are the sort of person who could keep such a big betrayal from your partner for the rest of your life, then do so.

You don't get to keep the baby and pass it off as your husband's. You just don't. It would be absolutely despicable.

I'm sure there are a very small number of women who have chosen to do that (pass off the baby as their husbands), just as there are people who do disgusting things all across the world (beating their wives, sexually assaulting teenagers, etc). Just because there are some filthy creatures that do it, doesn't mean it's any way acceptable.

You've already completely betrayed your husband's trust, but this goes much further than that. Don't make him responsible for your own shitty decisions.

Original poster
1stTimeForEverything · 09/01/2015 09:57

Mountainygirl, he is not shagging around. He says he was faithful to his wife and I believe him. She decided to end their marriage for her own reasons.

OP posts:
LoveVintage · 09/01/2015 09:58

I hate to add this into the mix but there is a chance the baby is your DH's if you had sex with him around conception date. The withdrawal method is not reliable, regardless of your past experience using it.

avocadotoast · 09/01/2015 09:58

Whether you decide to terminate the pregnancy has to be your decision. It's an incredibly personal thing.

But please, please get yourself STI tested. Just because this man is married, doesn't mean he's not carrying something.

(Also, the withdrawal method is really not that foolproof. I know you say its never failed you, but...how do you know for sure?)

HeartacheAvenue · 09/01/2015 09:59

If you are having a termination I don't see why you would want to tell the OM, are you expecting for him to tell you to keep the child?

Original poster
1stTimeForEverything · 09/01/2015 09:59

trulybadlydeeplytrulybadlydeeply, the OM is getting divorced (they are not together since summer) so he is not betraying anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stTimeForEverything · 09/01/2015 10:03

HeartacheAvenue - If you are having a termination I don't see why you would want to tell the OM, are you expecting for him to tell you to keep the child?

Kind of. Like: don't do it, let's be together, we'll figure it out. He knows I have been having thoughts of being unsure about staying in my marriage.

He is a very good father to his children. And very much a family man. The divorce thing hit him badly.

I am really confused even as to what I want, let alone others.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 09/01/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morrigu · 09/01/2015 10:08

Dont women ever do that?

Well yes of course they do but speaking as a friend of a man who was totally and utterly heartbroken finding out the child he thought was his wasnt, at 15years old, women like that disgust me.

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/01/2015 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dirtybadger · 09/01/2015 10:14

If you want to be with the OM then the usual advice would be leave your marriage, take 6-12 months/start divorce proceedings, then re-evaluate and get in touch with OM. Not "have a baby with him and see how things pan out". You also don't know for sure if baby is OM's.

I know someone who had a kid they pass off as their partners. They're lucky their partner is an idiot, though. They both have blue/green eyes and the child has brown eyes. It's also clearly half East Asian (both are white, ex boyfriend is Chinese) to anyone but the "father" (all the family and friends know although she denies it). The kid will probably know before the father when it does year 7 (?) Science and learns about recessive genes or whatever- eyes are always the example they use.

In your position I would have a termination. I respect that some people wouldn't (under any circumstances), but that's what I'd do.

supernaut · 09/01/2015 10:14

"Firstly, no women don't do that, except maybe on Jeremy Kyle."

Er, yes they do.
A family friend was devastated to find out recently that his daughter was never his, after 4 years.
His parents are devastated to lose the granddaughter they doted on.
It's hideous, but it happens.

Cabrinha · 09/01/2015 10:15

Ah, you're hoping for the old fashioned approach of getting a man through pregnancy. And the other old fashioned approach of expecting this prince to rescue you from your currently dull marriage.

Abort, don't abort. But whichever - I think you should be single now until you make better choices. (get counselling?)

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2015 10:18

"He says he was faithful to his wife and I believe him. She decided to end their marriage for her own reasons."

OP you know these are the oldest ones in the book don't you? You sound very very niaive! Sad

BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2015 10:19

And I can tell you know, with 100% mortgae-betting certainty that if you tell the OM that you are pregnant he will a. run a mile and b. deny it is his

OrangesJuicyOranges · 09/01/2015 10:20

You could keep the baby but it would become obvious at some point if it wasn't your husbands - the child would look different or may have some medical issue, or the wrong colour eyes or something. It would be like a ticking time bomb until someone noticed something awry. It's early days and if I were you I'd terminate both the pregnancy and the affair or marriage.

newyear15 · 09/01/2015 10:21

He is not a good husband and father - and he won't be a good husband and father to you. If you keep it you have to see you will be a single mother of 3. Do you think you got pregnant in the hope he would make the move to settle down with you and give you an easy out of your marriage?

HootyMcTooty · 09/01/2015 10:23

Supernaut, sorry I was being flippant. I was trying to get the point across that it's just not normal, because it's a bloody awful thing to do to a person.

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