Should I let go of everything? - couple with baby - advice needed please

[lillybee1]

Please bare with me. This might take a while to explain. My husband and I have a 18 month old little girl. Things haven't been going well for a long time. We've moved town, moved house three times, I left my job and we moved for DH's job. I've been a SAHM and have found the last few months quite stressful, everything has been getting to me. DH hasn't been very supportive and we were arguing a lot where admittedly I'd end up shouting at him. There was no affection between us, living like flat mates and after one argument DH moved out saying he couldn't be in this relationship anymore. I thought it would be for a few days but it turned into a few months.He came home to see DD regularly but we got in each others way a lot and ended up arguing a lot. We argue over little things but we ALWAYS end up having a huge row. We've had couples counselling which hasn't really done anything - the situation has just got worse. He says we need to talk more - he seems to want me to make a promise that I won't shout at him anymore. When something is upsetting me I need to vent (not only about him but whatever is upsetting me). I need to talk about the problem, resolve it then move on. But we seem to come from completely different view points. So if I say I'm not happy with something (even if it's not related to him) he acts like it's a personal attack on him and usually ends up siding with the other thing/person. It's fair to say there is not emotional support from him. And sometimes he seems to want to control my behaviour, almost bully me into things and doesn't like or accept what I say or feel. When you are feeling so down to begin with you really need support from a partner not someone that disagrees the whole time.

It hasn't always been like this but having a baby has put big strain on our relationship. I am so confused and feel very guilty about DD growing up with divorced parents. DH said he was looking for a flat of his own before xmas. Since then in arguments I've said he should move out only to panic and change my mind a few hours later and try to hug him/show love in affectionate way as I don't know what else to do but he's completely shut down - has admitted he can't be affectionate anymore unless we have a serious discussions on where our relationship is going?? But when we talk about that he just says 'he can't stay in this current situation' and offers nothing else. I've said let's work on things, let's start acting like a couple again etc but he can't do it because his lack of affection. So we are going round in circle after circle. I feel like we are both living in limbo, and trapped in this crappy situation. I admit a few months ago I was shouting in front of DD and decided I never want to do that again. But now DH is doing it, slamming doors, shouting when he is holding her, not holding back at all. I've asked him not to do it and he just replies with 'you're a fine one to talk' etc This relationship is so dysfunctional and in so many ways I hate what he is doing right now. At the same time I want to try my best to make things work because it wasn't always like this. I believe you have to work to make a relationship work. I'm scared of giving up as I think we'll both regret it in the future. But then he's putting so much emphasise on me and not really giving anything back. I am exhausted, so confused, angry and heartbroken at the same time. Can anymore relate or suggest anything. I'm feeling so lost right now. Thank you.

The rowing, shouting. Is this a particular topic / stress in both of your lives?

Sorry. I posted too soon.
It sounds as though you're both experiencing a lot of pain and frustration.
Is it a consistent problem (the rows) or are you in a situation where all disagreements result in hostility?

Yes everything really. The rows are a big stress in our lives. We can't talk about anything without a big disagreement. And there is so much resentment and hostility when we do speak to each other.

I would accept this relationship is over. Sometimes live is simply not enough. You both sound miserable and that's no way to live.

Love not live!

hi.i have the same kind of problem with my partner.only after the baby was born i saw the real him.he gets so angry if i ask him to do something,anything.in his eyes he does the hardest job on earth and i do nothing. i breastfeed,i hardly eat ,shower or anything.simply the man is there but not there.

hes distant stays up all night when asked to come to bed the answer is when ill want ill come or in a minute which is never

In a similar situation so will be watching with interest. He's always been emotionally distant but I could cope with it better before our son was born 2 years ago. Since then it's been very stressful (not all of the time but it's coming to a head now. I spent half hour screaming down the phone at him today)

Would you consider counselling? I started this week. It's my last shot at the relationship. I'm so muddled up with whether we should break up or not, and I'm hoping talking to someone neutral will help me do it. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes.

How is your little one sleeping? How are you / he sleeping? Lack of sleep is a killer.

We are having counselling. Have had 5 sessions so far and no improvement at all, not helpful in the slightess! The counsellor mostly just sits and listens and says 'how awful for you both' but that's about it.

ARGHtoAHHH - what were you shouting down the phone about? How did he react?

Oh, sorry to hear counselling isn't working out. I'm pinning all my last hope on it if I'm honest.

I've recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and it's all down to my unhappiness in our relationship. His emotional distance and having no support. Also a real bone of contention is that I have a different surname to my son. Well, we aren't getting married, so I would like double barrel. He won entertain this notion. He just says no way and laughs. So that's what I was shouting about. As usual, not much response from him. Infuriating.

So, baby is in bed, and now is the time we need to talk. Gulp.

Oh know. Sorry your going through a similar thing - actually sounds exactly the same! How were you diagnosed with depression? Do you think it's anything else or mainly unhappiness in your relationship? Do you work or a SAHM? Sorry lots of questions. I want to find work now but tbh can't concentrate on anything right now - head is all over the place and everything just getting worse :(

Quitelikely - have you been in a similar experience?

I've been feeling down quite a while, very teary and also unable to concentrate and feeling anxious and mixed up. Yes I would say mainly down to the relationship and feeling too needy and having thoughts of splitting up. I do also have issues with my (now absent)father which I need to address.

It just started getting too much so I visited my doctor. She wouldn't put me forward for counselling until I went on anti depressants. The whole process would've taken about 5 months, too long for me, and not keen to take medication. Luckily for me my workplace provides a counseling service and that is how I managed it.

I work part time, it's what keeps me sane.

So we had a chat. I told him we would never be getting married, and that I had accepted that but that it would mean the world to me if we double barrelled our boys name. After a debate (not heated) he said he would think on it. Said marriage could still be on the cards. Whatever.

It sounds like that counselling isn't helpful for you, which is a shame because it sounds like you're struggling to communicate with each other rather than the relationship being abusive or flawed. It might be that you're just not a good fit in which case it would be best if you could split amicably as that's best for everyone concerned, but it sounds like that isn't possible at the moment either.

If it's an option, I'd seek a different kind of counselling, look for one which specifically says they will help you both to communicate. It doesn't sound like just having a platform to air your thoughts is helpful. It might be for someone else, but we're all different.

I usually find it unbelievably twee but what about that 5 Love Languages book? Or could you do a course together in Non Violent Communication? That's really helpful for taking the heat out of arguments and helping you learn to discuss things without it getting to the point of shouting/slamming doors, on both sides.

Sorry if that wasn't clear - I think it sounds like this counselling isn't helpful but not all counselling is like that. I'd look for another counsellor or another kind of help altogether (Like the NVC thing, I think there are even online courses and books if money's an issue).

www.cnvc.org/trainingcal Most in Oxford or London by the looks of things, although there is one in Manchester.

Thanks BertieBotts. I'll look into the book. DH seems to have given up though. I don't even think another counsellor would be useful. There's just no action from DH at all. No first moves (in terms of saying something positive), absolutely no affection (no hugs nothing), sleeping in different rooms, eating at different times, just nothing, no action at all. I've been waiting for at least something, anything, a sign he really wants to make things work but nothing. As time goes on he's pushing me further and further away and I hate him for it. I can't even see that happening anymore. I am a positive person usually but the last few months I can't even think straight or focus on anything thing else. This is destroying me :( and I've started to think maybe it is better if we split.

Lily, do you think you might also be pushing him away? Because that is what I have been doing for a while now. I do it so that I can't get hurt again, by his lack of affection. I put up barriers, hoping he will try and break them down. When in reality, he is just feeling pushed away.

When we spoke last night we were really open and honest. He is not a man to speak openly in this way usually and I could see it was hard for him. I even saw tears in his eyes .

We have been living this non life for so long. Not speaking, not sharing room, not eating the same meals. I said that if we didn't really give things a go this time, I mean really, that the relationship would come to an end. Neither of us really want this, but I know in myself that this is the last try.

We both did the 5 languages of love test (at the suggestion of my therapist) and so now we have that knowledge we can start from there. It's working so far (it's only been one evening and one morning!!!) It will be interesting to see how it pans out.

You need to speak to him candidly and without emotion (I know, it's so bloody hard) and tell him exactly what is going to happen if things do not improve.

PS. it has taken me years to get this far - previously we were unable to speak or have a conversation without me exploding at him. He is very passive (infuriatingly so). But I think I have reached a point where I don't care anymore I am more matter of fact. Not sure how I got here, but its taken years

Thanks ARGHtoAHHH. Yeah I'm sure I have pushed him away as he has pushed me away in a different way. It's a catch 22 though isn't it? At least I have showed some positivity, made so many suggestions on how it could work, been looking for some sign, anything. But there is absolutely nothing from him. He told me he's not even sure he loves me anymore. So now there is just so much resentment there. If I said what you said about giving it a go he'd say 'I'm not sure, things never work' or 'I just know I can't be in this relationship anymore'. This is my last try too or maybe the last try has already gone. I'm so exhausted and drained! I haven't even heard of the 5 languages of love test. Our therapist doesn't really say much at all and definitely doesn't suggest exercises or anything else. We seem to be in a very similar position and I'm glad it's working for you though. If it's taken years how have you managed to cope with living together for this long????

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

That's the test.

Your therapist sounds shite TBH.

this is the 5 languages of love quiz It only takes a few mins to complete. If you can convince DP to do it too, then you can compare how each of you express love and how you would like to receive it. Its seems rather like a plaster to mend a broken leg, but at least its a positive step, and something you can discuss together? To be fair, I had to ask a few times, and then get in a sulk before my own DP did the quiz. Then when he did do it he spend the whole time grumbling about how all the questions were the same, what a load of bollocks etc etc. BUT, it gave us something to talk about afterwards. And a pointer as to where we might be going wrong.

As it turned out, our main language of love was the same (acts of service - i.e. doing things for each other). So since last night and then this morning we have each been doing little things for each other (I made him dinner, he made my lunch for today. He sorted out my e cigarette and I made him a cup of coffee this morning). And things seem okay for now!!.

Before our DS was born, we were party animals and so we were having too much fun to think about this stuff. I knew he was emotionally distant, but could live with it as we were having a blast the whole time. Things changed and were stripped bare when DS came along, and its been pretty shit since then TBH.

I'm scared of giving up as I think we'll both regret it in the future
Why will you both regret it?
It sounds miserable for ALL of you, including DD!!
It's not healthy for ANY of you.
Time for a trial separation to see how that goes.

Do you have friends and/or family who can help you out a bit with the baby? I'd let your DH move out, at least for a while and get some space away from him. Also recommend counselling for you individually if you can. Will help you understand your feelings and think through your options. X