Should I let go of everything? - couple with baby - advice needed please

[lillybee1]

Please bare with me. This might take a while to explain. My husband and I have a 18 month old little girl. Things haven't been going well for a long time. We've moved town, moved house three times, I left my job and we moved for DH's job. I've been a SAHM and have found the last few months quite stressful, everything has been getting to me. DH hasn't been very supportive and we were arguing a lot where admittedly I'd end up shouting at him. There was no affection between us, living like flat mates and after one argument DH moved out saying he couldn't be in this relationship anymore. I thought it would be for a few days but it turned into a few months.He came home to see DD regularly but we got in each others way a lot and ended up arguing a lot. We argue over little things but we ALWAYS end up having a huge row. We've had couples counselling which hasn't really done anything - the situation has just got worse. He says we need to talk more - he seems to want me to make a promise that I won't shout at him anymore. When something is upsetting me I need to vent (not only about him but whatever is upsetting me). I need to talk about the problem, resolve it then move on. But we seem to come from completely different view points. So if I say I'm not happy with something (even if it's not related to him) he acts like it's a personal attack on him and usually ends up siding with the other thing/person. It's fair to say there is not emotional support from him. And sometimes he seems to want to control my behaviour, almost bully me into things and doesn't like or accept what I say or feel. When you are feeling so down to begin with you really need support from a partner not someone that disagrees the whole time.

It hasn't always been like this but having a baby has put big strain on our relationship. I am so confused and feel very guilty about DD growing up with divorced parents. DH said he was looking for a flat of his own before xmas. Since then in arguments I've said he should move out only to panic and change my mind a few hours later and try to hug him/show love in affectionate way as I don't know what else to do but he's completely shut down - has admitted he can't be affectionate anymore unless we have a serious discussions on where our relationship is going?? But when we talk about that he just says 'he can't stay in this current situation' and offers nothing else. I've said let's work on things, let's start acting like a couple again etc but he can't do it because his lack of affection. So we are going round in circle after circle. I feel like we are both living in limbo, and trapped in this crappy situation. I admit a few months ago I was shouting in front of DD and decided I never want to do that again. But now DH is doing it, slamming doors, shouting when he is holding her, not holding back at all. I've asked him not to do it and he just replies with 'you're a fine one to talk' etc This relationship is so dysfunctional and in so many ways I hate what he is doing right now. At the same time I want to try my best to make things work because it wasn't always like this. I believe you have to work to make a relationship work. I'm scared of giving up as I think we'll both regret it in the future. But then he's putting so much emphasise on me and not really giving anything back. I am exhausted, so confused, angry and heartbroken at the same time. Can anymore relate or suggest anything. I'm feeling so lost right now. Thank you.

Hi Lilly, just wondered how you are getting on x

Thanks ARGHtoAHHH. I did the test. But after a few good days, it went all wrong again. I have given up hope now. I don't see how 2 people who used to get on can not get on at all, over the smallest thing. It's really sad but can't go on like this anymore.

hellsbellsmelons - i say i think we will both regret it because we have a baby and if we leave it rather than try working on it we might regret losing the relationship we once treasured. And our baby will grow up without parents together and in love.

But now, yes it is miserable. No it's not healthy. we had a trial separation already and it was rubbish.

Lovingfreedom - thanks, have you been in a similar position?

Lillybee. From what you say, your home life is truly unbearable. Miserable parents is absolutely not good for your child. If you were not living together, yes you would be alone, but your house would be calm. It sounds like you feel you have lost sight of yourself as well as of your partner.

If he says he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, tell him to move out. He doesn't get to hang around enjoying his home comforts while giving you no kindness or support.
It's never a good idea to try to cling on to someone who wants to go: you end up losing all respect for yourself. If you are both basically good people, you can make a go of things as co-parents; f he's a dick you are better off without him.

Well we had another big argument and I asked him to move out. I am exhausted from all of this and I just can't bare to be around him anymore. It really shouldn't be this much work to just have a conversation without arguing but it is. He disagrees with everything I say or gets so angry or worked up when I say something he doesn't want to hear. I think some time apart will do us good. It's sad but then life is not perfect is it.

Thanks Solasum - you are right. Our house is definitely not calm right now and I so desperately want that calm & peace again. It seems impossible with us being together.

SolidGoldBrass - he's never said he doesn't want to be in the relationship but he 'can't be in the relationship the way it is'. See, he's chosen his words so carefully but offering no positivity or solution. But anyway, I've asked him to move out. This has gone on for too long.

Things have been so draining recently and I don't even know what I'm going to do financially but something has to give and sadly it's come to this

Oh, I hope you are okay, lily. What was his reaction? Is he moving out?

Thank you UrchinMadeOfAcne At first he refused, saying this was his home too, why shouldn't I go if I need some space etc. Then later he said 'ok, if that's want you've chosen' and he's now staying with a friend. I don't think he even takes me seriously anymore though.

All of this was after having an argument where he threw things across the room, breaking them. Something I have never seen before. I think we frustrate the hell out of each other. I don't want DD to grow up surrounded by this and have really lost any hope now.

I suppose he'll find a flat to live in. I never pictured myself like this and just feeling numb right now.

I think you will start feeling better pretty soon, but do get some legal and financial advice WRT your home and whether you can keep him out if he decides he wants to move back in. Throwing and breaking things is abusive behaviour, and it does sound as though what this man wants is for you to submit and obey and accept that he is your boss/owner. Which is not healthy.

For what it's worth, sounds like you are doing the right thing. I echo what Solid said.

Good on you for being strong.

Thank you SolidGoldBrass and UrchinMadeOfAcne I'm not feeling very good but your words of support mean a lot

It's all up from here, Lillybee. Look after your wonderful DD, remember to look after yourself as well, keep eating and try to sleep, and don't look back

Really Solasum? Well I definitely don't feel that at the moment. My whole life or most of it as I know it is over Feeling lost today.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you. What's been happening these past couple of days?

Don't feel lost. This is obviously the hardest time. But essentially, at this point you have decided that you are not going to settle for this relationship which is making you unhappy, and providing a stressful environment for your DD to grow up in. That is a very important realisation. It means there are now only two outcomes. Either your OH and you (not just you) can work really hard together to make things work, sorting out areas of conflict etc. Or, you are starting a whole new life with your DD, coparenting with her dad. Those are both positive, though different, outcomes.

You are not happy with the way things are and have been, so you recognise things have to change. You cannot improve things on your own, your OH would have to want to too. And if he can't be bothered, he doesn't deserve you anyway.

But rather than focussing on the sadness, maybe try and look instead at how strong you are being for you and your DD by not accepting second best.

Since I last wrote we had another huge argument and I told him to leave. This was over a week ago. He has just found his own flat and because we can't afford both places he has asked me to register as a single mum and claim benefits. I know I have to do it but just can't bare the thought of doing it and being a 'single mum'. My head is all over the place. We argue so much, we don't see eye to eye. He irritates the hell out of me and I'm so angry and bitter and upset about how he has treated me & offered such little support. At the same time I know we did have good times in the past and I feel like we're throwing it all away. We have a baby and I just feel so guilty about the future. One min I think it's best for us to separate and the next I still think we're making a huge mistake and suddenly get an overwhelming panic. I really don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this?

Hi lily

You are going through such emotional turmoil. I really feel for you, I've been there myself.

Does your partner want it to work? What does he say about the situation. Does he love you still?

I was where you are a couple of months ago. But things are starting to improve between us. I'm not saying it's perfect, and I still have in the back of my mind this is the last chance saloon. I can not go back to the place where you are now.

For me, counselling is really helping. I am thinking about things from a different angle (not mine, not my partner's, but another angle altogether). I have been talking through my abusive past (I didn't even think about my childhood being abusive. But when I spoke about it I was shocked at just how abusive it really was), and how it's effected my relationships. I feel less angry, less depressed, more in control of my thoughts. I feel that we can give it another go.

I would really recommend counselling, if you can. I managed to get it through work. Sorry if I'm repeating anything up thread by the way!

I don't know, I'm just pondering and speaking about my own personal experience. Each relationship is different.

For example my mum divorced my dad when I was a baby in the 80s. Being a single mum then was not hard, but she did it, and she did a good job (except when she let my dad back in for a time, but hey, we all make mistakes). I really respect my mum for leaving, she is my hero.

You do sound desperately unhappy. Sorry if I'm waffling. I haven't read it back so I hope it makes sense. I'm very tired! X

Not hard = HARD!!!

I am a single mum Lilly. Once my DS is in bed, I do exactly as I wish. My home is my sanctuary. No, it isn't how I imagined things would be, but life is good.

UrchinMadeOfAcne I don't know what he really thinks. He'll say something like he's been trying to make it work over the last few months whereas in reality he has given me no indication that's what he wants. He said he loves me but he's not IN love with me anymore. Nice!

We had some sessions of couples counselling but I didn't think it was useful, had the opposite effect. I really didn't feel comfortable with the therapist. What type of counselling did you have and how many sessions did you need? Was it couples counselling or individual counselling?

I'm just wondering how old you were when your parents divorced? Did it effect you a lot when growing up? Sorry lots of questions. Feeling guilty of prospect of bringing up baby without parents together. Thank you.

This relationship is over, you need to accept that. And your child will be much happier with a single mum than in an unhappy household. I know I was massively relieved when my parents split up, and I had a very happy childhood, just mum and me.

He said he loves me but he's not IN love with me anymore
Aha - that old chestnut eh???
Is he open with his phone etc...?

Hi Lilly

To answer your questions:

I am having individual counselling. It has been an enormous help to me and my frame of mind. I thought we would be focussing on my relationship, but in fact it has been more about my father. I have come to realise that the problems in our relationship are not entirely my DP’s fault – before counselling, I blamed him completely and utterly. I treated him with contempt. But this is slowly changing, and I am noticing a big difference in the way DP and I interact not counting this week as I have ‘Aunty Flo’ visiting and we are getting on again. We are sleeping in the same bed again. Things are looking more positive.

I was 1 year old when my parents officially divorced. My sister was 7. It was the best, most brave thing my mother ever did for us. I thank her every day for getting out. He was physically and emotionally abusive and controlling. He came back intermittently, and when he did, our lives went back into turmoil. She says she let him back in those times so that we wouldn’t blame her for cutting him off. She did not want us to think she kept us from him. I kind of wish she had; but I understand her reasoning, and its fine. I am working through my anger towards him through counselling.

She absolutely did the right thing by leaving him and becoming a single mother. She lived in another country to all her family and she truly was alone with us…but she did it. And she did a fantastic job. I love her so much and honestly (I know I am repeating myself here) she is my hero.

The only thing that affected me badly was when my father came back. We were so happy when it was just the three of us – calm and loving and consistent. As soon as they were together again, there were fights and arguments and crying and hurt and anger. Those were the bad times. My best friend at school also had divorced parents and it was never an issue for me. I was aware from a very, very young age that my parent’s divorce was a good thing.

Please do not feel guilty at the prospect of bringing up baby without their parents together. Really, it’s not uncommon and it’s in NO WAY a bad thing – most often it’s a bloody good thing. You do not want your child being brought up in a war zone – this will mess your DD’s head up – not divorced parents.

My mum's situation is different from yours of course. Your DP is not violent. I would assume he would have contact with your DD. And it seems to me that both parents would be a lot happier / calmer if separated – and this equals a happy baby.

I hope my drivelling has helped a bit. Obviously only you can decide what to do. I am sure you will do what is right

If you have any other questions, please let me know.

in a nutshell - I do not think your DD will thank you or respect you for staying in an unhappy relationship.