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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Giving up my son.

52 replies

umbrellabird · 06/01/2015 21:21

I am really struggling looking after my son on my own. His father has left for overseas( we have been separated awhile) but my dear boy is in grief mode.He walks around constantly with the iPad waiting for his dad to call.
I want to suggest just one or two calls a week, but neither his dad or my son are happy with this. I am worried that he is not living his little life here, and is just focused on the 'time' overseas etc..I have lost my kind gentle little happy soul to a world of sadness.
His father is/was abusive and his only answer to all this is 'let him come and live with me.' DS misses him sooo much I sometimes wonder if I am being selfish by keeping him here with me. But we live in a beautiful village by the sea, he has a good school and we have wonderful friends. Where as Dad lives in Asia in a tiny apartment with a miserable girlfriend.
Anyone ideas would be most welcome.

OP posts:

Littlefish · 06/01/2015 21:24

How old is your son?

Original poster

umbrellabird · 06/01/2015 21:25

Hi little fish, he's seven.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 06/01/2015 21:26

You need to take control if this.

Please tell your son you love him, you are his home, and you will always be there for him. Tell him you will arrange for him to speak to his dad every weekend and/or one evening (give times and dates that is possible for Ex) and tell Ex that he has to step up. Do not get into arguments.

Your Ex is being ridiculous.

LePetitPrince · 06/01/2015 21:26

Your son is naturally missing his dad but of course he must stay with you, especially as the dad is abusive. Do you want him to see that behaviour as normal?

It's hard now but your boy will adjust. Just focus on living a busy and active life, and make your life seem as attractive as his dad's seems now.

SoonToBeSix · 06/01/2015 21:27

Why would you want your ds to live with someone who is abusive? He is better living with you, his father is responsible for your ds unhappiness not you.

Wotsitsareafterme · 06/01/2015 21:28

What a sorrowful post,can you expand on why you are struggling in other ways?

BirdhouseInYourSoul · 06/01/2015 21:29

This must be so hard for you.

How long has his dad been away?

Of course there will be some adjustment to him going but it should settle in time.

Can you try and keep him busy out of the house with new clubs, swimming, play dates etc?

If you can't limit it to one or two days then set a time - say between 6 and 7 only.

That way you can get out or do things before hand and he's not sat anxiously waiting.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/01/2015 21:31

Ah, that must be so hard to watch. It will get easier, of course you shouldn't let him go and live with his abusive dad, although I know you just want him to be happy.

Give him time, attention and lots of love, he will get there

dirtybadger · 06/01/2015 21:31

I promise you if he lived with his DF, he would miss his mum. It's sad that this has happened but there is no magic cure. How long has hid dad been living away for? Presumably he chose to move back (away from his child!) rather than not having a choice in the matter?
To be fair I don't think your lifestyle (which to me, yes, sounds better) is relevant- he's abusive. Even if the tables were turned he'd be better off with you.

Original poster

umbrellabird · 06/01/2015 21:33

Wow thanks everyone. I am super tired so not thinking straight. DS has been up for many nights, bed-wetting, crying etc..
I want to take control and of course don't want to give him up in any way!
I have no support except from my lovely friends, and when his Dad was here he was actually very good at all weekends, holidays etc so I could work.
Everything seems to be rolling downhill and I am struggling to keep up.
Thank you all for your replies. You have helped immensely already.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2015 21:36

Have you spoken to DS's school? Teaching teams are actually pretty good these days at helping children overcome traumatic events. If you share the story with them they may be able to offer him pastoral support when at school and this could help his feelings when back home.

Quangle · 06/01/2015 21:37

Agree with linerunner. You need to take control here.

One of the hardest things about being a LP (I am one) is that you have to set the tone for the house. You have to be the leader of your pack and demonstrate positiveness, self-belief, conviction. I basically have to demonstrate to my children that our home and our family is safe, fun, loving and as good as anyone else's. That's really hard, especially when you are barely hanging on yourself. But I have to set the tone for all of us and then the children follow my lead.

So you need to keep active and busy. Make things fun for DS with no time for waiting for calls. Of course he should be able to express the loss he has incurred and you will need to support him through that. But not to the point where you let his sorrow drown out all the good things you have in your life. Don't lose confidence in what you have.

And have you tried Gingerbread? They provide great support and cheerleading services for single parents like us.

slippermaiden · 06/01/2015 21:39

Don't give up your son. I can see he is devastated but he will get used to the situation, he can still FaceTime/Skype. You know in your heart your son will be better with you x

Quangle · 06/01/2015 21:40

Sorry I didn't mean he can't have calls. Just don't have the day shaped around waiting for a call iyswim.

It's very tough. I can hear in your post how tough. But you can do this together.

Wotsitsareafterme · 06/01/2015 21:50

Completely agree about speaking to school. If your ds is struggling over a long period he might benefit from professional support - this is no reflection on you op.
It does sound like your ds is struggling emotionally. If this was my child re establishing routine would be my first priority. I would take the iPad away too except for scheduled calls. I would be saying to exp he can lee arrange calls but I wouldn't be telling ds anything more than 'dad will face time sometime this week' because his focus needs to move away from contact so he can engage with real life.
After routine you need to distract him and keep him busy. Maybe a new activity would help? Something in the community? A craft project? Something to collect?

If the bed wetting is prolonged you need to ask your Gp for a referral to the continence clinic at your local hospital - yes obviously is psychological but they can help with that.

Hope that all made sense

TendonQueen · 06/01/2015 21:57

Agree that specific times or days for calling are the way to go, plus sticking with your life, constant reassurance that you love him very much, and letting time do some of the work. How long is it since your ex moved overseas? It sounds very hard on your boy but it's totally right for him to stay with you.

Cabrinha · 06/01/2015 22:02

Keep him with you! He needs you!

If they both want to Skype frequently, then daily is fine.
Is your boy better or worse after a call? If better, can you get into a breakfast call routine? Then he doesn't spend all day thinking about and planning an evening call. Better for Asia times too.

Original poster

umbrellabird · 06/01/2015 22:20

Oh you guys, what awesome advice. I have taken it all on board. And feel so much better. My ex is very manipulative and has been badgering me about 'the best thing for him is to be with him. Im clearly not coping etc…'
So not my usual self at all. I love 'setting the tone of the house' Quangle, and am going to do exactly that. I forget Im in charge sometimes!

OP posts:

Selks · 06/01/2015 22:24

Spot on advice from Quangle.

cestlavielife · 06/01/2015 22:27

Go to gp and ask for NHs counselling it will help

carlywurly · 06/01/2015 22:31

Fab post quangle. Setting the tone is exactly what I do here - as much kindness, positivity and humour as I can muster while knackered, but I've never thought about it that way.

Op, hang in there. You sound a lovely mum and your ds is far better off in a safe, loving environment.

greenbananas · 06/01/2015 22:38

I'm so sorry you're going through this! is harder watching our children hurting than it is to be hurting ourselves, I think.

Your son is grieving, and you need to let him grieve. You are providing him with a safe and loving home, and that is what he needs, and you are the best person to help him deal with the pain he is going through.

Don't be fooled into thinking he would be happier with an abusive dad. I think that even the fact that you are considering this shows how much you have been affected by an abusive relationship. Your son needs love and consistency and someone who will always be there for him. . This is you, yes?

hang in there, there are some good times ahead for you both yet, and your son is safer and more secure long term with you if you are able to help him deal with this and move on.

bless you both!

Smudgeandpudge · 06/01/2015 22:47

You sound like a lovely mum. Your son is certainly better off with you. This too shall pass.

TheLittleRedHen · 07/01/2015 00:16

My DS is a sad little chap sometimes and has low self esteem which we're getting through slowly.

I know it's different but my DS is the same age as yours and I'm a LP.

He sometimes cries for my mum who spoils him with sweets and inappropriate films and he went through a phase at school pick up time of crying and telling me that he didn't want me he wants his Nanna and would sometimes hit me as well and would not hold my hand or show affection etc. One of these days, when he had calmed down, I explained that I had been at work all day and that I'd missed him and had been looking forward to seeing him all day and that I know that he misses his Nanna and that he likes her to pick him up but when he acts like that, it makes me feel sad and that's not nice when I was looking forward to seeing him etc. I laid it on thick but have recognition to his feelings as well as describing how I felt.

Let DS know that it's okay to miss his dad. Would it be a good idea to ask him to draw a picture or to write a letter to him after school and then one he's done that he can get on with other things? Maybe organise to see friends after school a couple of days a week? I'd definitely suggest setting a time for XH to call DS, as although it must feel good for him to exert so much power from so far away, it's not healthy for your son - or for you. Speak to DS about being "fair" - you'd not be asking that he can't speak to his dad only that it happens between a certain time. You could give him one hour of screen time at the same time each day and then if his dad calls during that hour (as you've already informed XH of the time constraints) then he can answer it. The rest of the time it'll live on a shelf?

He had a real crisis of identity last year and I found that going to the Gingerbread meets was really helpful as he gets to see "kids without dads" and he's not the only one now, he has friends that are like him and he's not an odd one. Of course, we all have different stories that brought us to our LP place but the support has been invaluable to me over the last year (well, that and Mumsnet!)

anothernumberone · 07/01/2015 00:22

Well said quangle

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