Giving up my son.

[umbrellabird]

I am really struggling looking after my son on my own. His father has left for overseas( we have been separated awhile) but my dear boy is in grief mode.He walks around constantly with the iPad waiting for his dad to call.
I want to suggest just one or two calls a week, but neither his dad or my son are happy with this. I am worried that he is not living his little life here, and is just focused on the 'time' overseas etc..I have lost my kind gentle little happy soul to a world of sadness.
His father is/was abusive and his only answer to all this is 'let him come and live with me.' DS misses him sooo much I sometimes wonder if I am being selfish by keeping him here with me. But we live in a beautiful village by the sea, he has a good school and we have wonderful friends. Where as Dad lives in Asia in a tiny apartment with a miserable girlfriend.
Anyone ideas would be most welcome.

All of you who have replied so far, thank you. I have had tears in my eyes reading the supportive and kind posts. Already i feel after hearing from you all, so much more able to cope. Sharing your stories has helped me so much.Green bananas 'yes' i thought to myself, that is me, I am consistent, here, able and stable! Although he may not realise right now I hope one day he sees the lovely life I am trying to give him. Totally agree with 'shelving the iPad' except for a certain time of day. I did not agree with it as a gift anyway! I will talk to his teachers also.

I didn't get how old your son is?

yy kids need their dads.... but they DON'T need abusive dads. iiwy I would not be going overboard to facilitate a relationship between them. Let it die off naturally. Keep him busy.

Or abusive ex will be plugging away endlessly (they never give up and settle in for the long game) which could well bloom and flower when ds is a teen. I don't want to spell it out but please don't assume an abuser won't manipulate ds to reject you entirely. They don't care about their kids, only point-scoring.

Hello OP. Just wanted to say hello and that you sound like a lovely caring mum.

Quangle's post hit a nerve with me as well. About setting the tone.

Could you muster up the strength to say to your ex.

"DS is staying here with me. That is the end of the conversation. No amount of badgering or pestering by you will change that. This is the last time I will communicate with you on this. The subject is closed. DS is staying here with me."

And then just ignore any more talk about it. If he mentions it say "That subject is closed and not up for discussion" over and over again until he gets the idea.

Good luck. You will get there in the end I know

that would be a good idea with a normal person, Bit, but with an abuser it's throwing down the gauntlet. It gives him a bit fat clue what to go for with all guns blazing. He will fight to the death.

So. It's better to not let him know what the area of battle is. Duck and dive, pretend, cloud the issue. Everything but let him know, crystal clear, what you don't want to happen.

I'm not suggesting you do this - too risky - but if you begged him to have ds he would probably do all he could to not have him.

Know your enemy and all that. Make no mistake, he really is your enemy. Ds's too - because he has no interest in ds's wellbeing, only to win against you.

As TheLittleRedHen says, it's normal and healthy for your DS to grieve, and I think you have to let him grieve at his own pace rather than trying to cut it short unnaturally. I totally understand being frantic to make him happier, and I see that your willingness to send him to his dad is coming from a place of being ready to sacrifice your own happiness for his benefit, but honestly, don't do it. If your ex is anything like mine, he'd cheerfully tell your ds that you gave him up because you couldn't be bothered. Your ds could end up feeling abandoned twice over, no matter how good your intentions are.

I agree with pps about routine and distraction, but also when he's missing his dad, you can encourage him to draw him a card etc.

Ditch the ipad for a start, this wont help him dwelling on his departed dad or help him move forward.

Have you spoken to his school? I'd strongly suggest someone trained to talk to your son and help him understand what has / is happening. A little bit of counselling could help him.

How much support and help do you get OP? Anyone you can lean on for a spot of childminding (play dates etc, activities etc.) so you can have a bit of time to yourself to get a few jobs done around the house and give you a breather at all?

Springy I'm sure he knows that's what she doesn't want. Which is why he's going on about it already. I was trying to encourage the op to shut down the argument. To not engage in it. I'm not sure that "ducking and diving" is great advice. It merely prolongs the argument. It needs cutting off firmly every time it is mentioned as a non negotiable

Abusers are different to normal people, Bit. The same rules don't apply. the best policy is not to be direct - hence ducking and diving. Never clear.

It sounds as if your ds could be getting confusing messages about where he will be living if his dad is saying he could come to him.

Be 100%clear that he lives with you, here and always will. Set times for calls and breakfast is a great idea ( if ex is late the call is missed as ds at school or no longer available).

I would say no games. Be clear to absolutely everyone that ds and you live together and ex lives his life. Be the boss of this situation and no more clutching the ipad waiting for calls. Children like boundaries and rules and through no fault of your own these have been shifting.

So yes, be strong and assertive and I think you can turn this around quickly. And meantime, I would not even agree to ex taking him on any kind of holiday. Your son, your rules.

Good luck.

Springy did you pat me on the head while you typed that?

I think the last thing the OP needs is the stress of dissembling. Broken record all the way for me but there you go, I guess we will have to agree to differ

OP have you undergone any counselling to help you recover from your experience of abuse? The Freedom Programme for example?

The central theme of abusive relationships is always control. The abuse is designed to exert control and that doesn't stop just because the relationship ends. Men like your ex are so vile and so devoid of conscience that if the only way they can control you is by emotionally distressing their own son, that's precisely what they'll do. The ends justifies the means.

It's important to understand the dynamic if you're to fight it and I'm glad the support you're getting here is making you feel a little better. Engage your inner 'Tiger Mommy', bare your claws and teeth on your little boy's behalf, call in reinforcements (school, GP, counsellors etc) and best of luck.

My 8 and 5 year old have just been separated from their dad, who lives in Asia.

You say his dad has just left, and yet he already has a girlfriend, and is living with her?? That means he checked out of your relationship a while ago, and must have been spending time with his girlfriend rather than his son. Affairs require a lot of time, energy and money. No, of course the boy would not be better off with them. He would be just as sad and despondent over there as he would be here!!

Does he Skype his father? When is the next holiday planned for? A seven year old has a good idea of time scales. Meanwhile, definitely plan take him to places to take his mind off it all. New toys can help too!! I never thought I'd hear myself say that, and I don't mean toys can replace emotion like love and affection, but children love toys, and they DO help take their mind off other worries.

Do you mean you felt patronised, Bit? I've read it through again and it's not patronising, just fact. Unfortunately I have very l-o-n-g experience of dealing with someone like this and my experience is that to never lock horns. You never lock horns because, quite simply, they will win. They will win because they are prepared to go to the most depraved lengths; whereas I, and most of us, can't, or aren't prepared to, go to those lengths. eg using our own child/ren; whereas an abuser is fully prepared to use their own child/ren to get their way.

OP your boy wouldn't be just as despondent over there, he'd be in abject and unimaginable misery. Here he at least has a decent, loving parent (there he wouldn't); a culture, life, friends and routine he is used to. There's a lot to be said for routine, it gives a lot of security.

Springy the thing is, you have no idea what experience I have of dealing with abusive people and relationships do you though? So yes, I felt patronised!

But don't worry about it - I am happy to agree to differ eh?

Id suggest two things.

Take the iPad away or at least severely restrict the time he sees hi dad on it. Replace with outdoors things. Expect tantrums. They will pass.

Severely reduce contact with this manipulator. Try not to read anything he sends you. Facts only, the rest is why you left him.

X

No, I don't, Bit. It's irrelevant, really, as I wasn't directing my observations at you, but the OP. ime when dealing with an abuser it's best if our boundaries are upheld inwardly, so we are clear with ourselves what we want and what we're aiming for, without advertising it loud and clear so the abuser has the opportunity to fight to the death, knowing s/he is hitting the jugular. Best to hide the jugular. It's a hard lesson to learn and it's good to bear in mind to do our best to avoid it. There's a lot at stake here, I think we all agree about that.

We can have different opinions about how to go about that, of course, and I'd hope we could express them without a lot of fuss .

Quite. We've derailed the thread quite enough although you so we're addressing me

Op I hope you're ok. Have you had a think about your plan of action?

Again thank you all. Cogito you are so right. It is all control and so awful sometimes how he ropes me into conversations that are so frustrating and frightening. I have had a lot of counseling but it is still so hard. We have been separated three years now but I still worry he will find a way to destroy me. And spring daff and others yes I wholeheartedly think this whole moving overseas 'adventure' was to hurt me. He is relentless and unfortunately will yes 'fight to the death.'

Have you done the Freedom Programme umbrellla? Please do! Have a look at 'Find a course' link to find a course near you. I'm hoping you're in the UK?

YOu are sounding quite isolated but there really are a lot of women people going through very similar. The Freedom Programme really does open your eyes, you get to see all his tactics for what they are: a tin pot god, running you ragged.

You don't have to talk to him, you know. Don't let him run rings around you, don't converse with him. What is powerful is just not entering into conversation - say 'I must go, the postman's here/pot's boiling over/got an appointment/etc, etc' - say anything but get off the phone (or whatever): put the phone down, walk away. Don't let him see he is getting you het up.

Keep going, lovely.

"It is all control and so awful sometimes how he ropes me into conversations that are so frustrating and frightening"

You need some strategies to a) recognise when you are being roped into a conversation and b) cut off the conversation. It's often best to avoid any one-on-one communication such as phone-calls or even texts, for example, and keep everything to e-mails. They are a little less personal, you can take your time over the responses and - very important - there is a paper trail.

How do you currently communicate and how does the 'roping in' tend to play out?

Don not under any circumstances let this man talk you into sending you little 7 year old child to Asia! For a start if he's abusive you don't want your son living with that, granted you say your son loves and misses him so I'm guessing he probably wasn't abusive to him, just you? But even so, nothings to say he won't turn on your boy aswell one day.
Explain to your son that dad loves him but has to live elsewhere for work and that's just the way it is, other boys have to deal with the same thing and he's not the only one etc.
You will be miserable and regret sending him away if you do it, if I sent my son overseas to live with a man who disliked me and disliked him too.. I'd probably die.

Hi all, thanks little Mama, no he wasn't abusive to my son, only to me but is an extremely manipulative person so I don't know what he says to the kids when I am not around. There is a trip booked for him to fly with his sister to Asia coming up, and I really don't know if it is the right thing to do. We will have to start all over again when he gets back. The grief is so intense I am exhausted. He sobs himself to sleep nearly every night and his words are like an adults: "i cant cope anymore, no-one loves me…etc.' Of course I reassure him that I do so very much.

It really sounds like your son needs counselling - and quite urgently. They are not words of a 7 year old and should not be ignored nor taken lightly.

Just because he is 7, don't think for a moment that he's too young to act on these feelings. He needs professional help.

I also think you should talk to your GP about your son and get him some treatment. You mentioned originally that you'd been separated 'awhile'. Has your son been like this all of that time or is it only since his dad left for Asia? How long has it been going on?

Thanks guys. Yes this is the plan of action. I have a wonderful councellor so am going to talk to her today about finding someone special for him to talk to. Cogito and Spring daffy, the advice and experience you have is really helping, I appreciate it so much. I would love to do the freedom program me but not in the UK :-(. I have done a lot of work though.
My son had a lot of regular contact with his Dad when he lived near by us, a lot of holidays and every weekend. He was a hands-on Dad, very into sport etc..so he is of course devastated.